Now my 3 1/2 yo is the instigator and my 6 yo is retalliating

[kindacrunchy]

Ugh! We have been working on hitting in my house for a.long.time. We developed a house rule of you hit, you sit, and if you are so super angry you can't calm down you need to go to your room to calm down.
Two things:
1) My youngest has been a real stinker lately and has been hitting his brother in frustration or throwing toys. My oldest hits back. harder. I remind him of the Golden Rule and he tells me, "I want him to know how it feels". What to do with that one?
2) My oldest gets super angry sometimes and absolutely cannot calm down unless he is away from everyone. Otherwise he baits everybody. I've told him that he has to go to his room in those situations because he cannot calm down when he sees everyone and tries to bait them. But in the heat of the moment, he refuses. I have had to carry him upstairs and that is absolutely tiring. He's getting so big and his thrashing about in anger is wreaking havoc on my back. But sure enough, he comes out a couple minutes later and he is totally fine. So my Mom tells me that I should take away a privilege if he doesn't go in his room when I tell him he needs to. I struggle with that because it seems totally unrelated to the cause and it really is to basically get him to go to his room so he can calm down, but it is starting to backfire. What are your thoughts?
Thanks!
Karen
p.s. for those of you who have followed my many posts, things are getting better. the house is under a lot of stress at the moment.

[kindacrunchy]

BTW, We have NEVER hit our kids.

[NicoleCS]

I probably wouldn't take away his privileges in this situation. It sounds like by that point he is to upset and thinking unrationally. I would probably stop trying to carry him to his room too and try to engage the situation sooner (I know - easier said then done).

Ok so - stay calm - get down on his level and keeping eye contact - tell him he needs to go to his room. Offer a hand and walk with him. If he dosen't want your hand that's ok - but stay next to him and continue to tell him he needs to go to his room. It might take a long time, but stay next to him and stay consistent. By this point there should not be a debate and it is not the time for him to share is feelings and perspective of the situation - I'm assuming that time is already over.

As for your 3.5 yo hitting and throwing - I would put a favorite toy or book in "Time-out" everytime he hits or throws a toy. I know this sounds funny, but it really worked for my dd1. Let him know that this will happen if he hurts his brother...and as soon as it happens take a toy and put it "time-out" and help remind him of a better choice when he is upset, angry, etc..

Gee I hope some of this helps!!! It's amazing what works for some kids and families and what doesn't for others!!

PS I remember looking at a stack of books in time out thinking this is silly - but then it's like a new light switched on and her behavior stopped - btw - she was pinching me! I think being very specific helps, i.e if you pinch your book goes in timeout.

Good Luck

[Magella]

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

1) My youngest has been a real stinker lately and has been hitting his brother in frustration or throwing toys. My oldest hits back. harder. I remind him of the Golden Rule and he tells me, "I want him to know how it feels". What to do with that one?

I would tell him that it's good to tell the little one how it feels, with his *words* and help him do that. Also, make some plans for what he can do when his brother hits (like use your words, walk away and get help). And let him know that you are working on teaching the little one not to do that.

And I know it's hard, but when kids are hitting I think supervising closely and preventing as much of it as you can is important.

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

2) My oldest gets super angry sometimes and absolutely cannot calm down unless he is away from everyone. Otherwise he baits everybody. I've told him that he has to go to his room in those situations because he cannot calm down when he sees everyone and tries to bait them. But in the heat of the moment, he refuses. I have had to carry him upstairs and that is absolutely tiring. He's getting so big and his thrashing about in anger is wreaking havoc on my back. But sure enough, he comes out a couple minutes later and he is totally fine. So my Mom tells me that I should take away a privilege if he doesn't go in his room when I tell him he needs to. I struggle with that because it seems totally unrelated to the cause and it really is to basically get him to go to his room so he can calm down, but it is starting to backfire. What are your thoughts?

Well, with my oldest for a long time we had her sit in the same room as us and just really practiced ignoring her attempts to engage/bait until she was calm (we sent the other kids out of the room, or escorted dd to a nearby room where she could sit near us). For a long time, bringing her to her room just added another power struggle (and just didn't help her calm down). Nowadays, if she's flipping out and not able to calm herself I escort her (physically, but do not carry her) to her room where she does calm down. It took us time to get to this point though, and I would not say she goes willingly. Also, you may want to brainstorm with his therapist regarding this situation as he/she might have some helpful ideas.

I would not take away a privilege for not going to his room on his own. I think that would be likely (at least it would in my home) to just add another power struggle and exacerbate things.

Originally Posted by kindacrunchy

p.s. for those of you who have followed my many posts, things are getting better.

I'm happy for you.

[LynnS6]

If our kids hit, they get sent to their room. I would send the 3.5 year old to his room for this offense, so his brother can see that he's not the only one who 'has' to do this.

If your older son needs to be alone to calm down (my ds does too - and thankfully now he'll stomp up to his room and slam to door!), can you find a way for him to be alone that doesn't involve his room? A special spot behind the couch? Have everyone else leave?

I agree that I wouldn't punish for this. However, I might bribe (a.k.a reward) him for going when asked. At 6, he's old enough for a sticker chart with rewards attached to work. What would really motivate him? When my ds was that age, it was getting to take bus rides on city buses. (It's how we got him to wipe his own bottom!)

finally, make sure that you model going to YOUR room too when you're upset and need to calm down. My kids are getting better at following my model (complete with door slamming I'll add .