How to handle *negative* action lactivism?

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/3/10 at 11:18am

[mamazee]

I'm afraid to say that the mommy wars are involved in every parenting issue that comes up. If you bf, you hear that it's disgusting, you shouldn't do it in public because it's just like peeing, and that you are going to cause sexual problems for your kid. If you don't bf, you hear the things you've heard. I think, just like every parenting issue where people are intrusive (and there are dozens) it's more a case of being confident that you're doing the best you can do and not internalizing what others say. I don't think there's anything you can say to someone who is rude that will improve things. Though I know it's hard to not try to get people to understand, if someone's mind is already made up, it's pointless.

[amandaleigh37]

I'm sorry you've been treated so horribly

I've been told I'm a terrible mother. I'm told I should have done [insert anything from the above that I did do]. I'm told I gave up too soon.

Someone really said "You're a terrible mother"? Was this a stranger? Wow.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:28am

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:28am

[j10k]

Hi .. I so so so sympathize. While I only once had someone say something questionable to me while out in public, I was pretty much ostracized and ignored by the other mothers in the first playgroup that we were involved in after the first time I had to whip out the bottle and feed my very young baby. Serioulsy. It was horrible. I felt horrible already. I had a great homebirth, excellent postpartum midwife care, a great LC and noone could get my baby to transfer and gain. I attempted to continue pumping, but 6 to 8oz total a day wasn't worth it for me to continue. I think that people need to be gentler to each other in general. I actually think that this experience has made me a better mother, and a more compationate person in general. All the best to you. Just ignore the jerks. This is what formula is made for.

[Hey Mama!]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

Well, I understand that. But the issue, aside from my hurt feelings, is that they say these things in the name of lactivism. Is this really how lactivists behave to mothers who honestly had trouble breastfeeding?

In my experience, yes.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

Not exactly. She is someone I see occasionally at a drop-in playgroup run by a local business. It's an informal thing and not at all consistent who will be there. We go sometimes when I'm off work for a holiday and they have extended play --- it keeps him entertained with toys and he misses the other kids at daycare, so he has the chance to see some other kids. I go very occasionally, though I went every week for the last few weeks of my leave.

It's a very crunchy place, but I never realized that crunchy also meant being mean. It doesn't seem any better than mainstream parents in terms of judgement. It's hard because I don't really fit in anywhere.

I'm sorry you've been treated so terribly, and I think that the things people have said to you are not at all in the spirit of lactivism. Shaming new mothers about BFing or bottlefeeding is mean, unwarranted, and inexcusable, IMO. And I've seen that attitude before too -- many people assume that any reasons a mother gives for why BFing didn't work out are just excuses and that she should have just tried harder. I can imagine that that must be very hurtful to encounter when you've worked as hard as you have at BFing (or, frankly, even if one hasn't worked hard at it -- I don't think judging about that is useful in any situation).

That said, I know you're angry, but I'm sure you realize that the above bolded statement isn't true. You'll find mean, judgmental people in all walks of life, and kind, compassionate, understanding, inclusive, people in all walks of life. I know what you mean about feeling that you don't fit in anywhere, though. I felt like that when I was a new mom too, but over time I've realized that hardly anyone fits perfectly inside a "mainstream" or "crunchy" box -- almost everyone picks and chooses what works for them, and over time it's easy to find more similarities than differences.

[Youngfrankenstein]

I'm sorry anyone ever treated you this way. I am so supportive of breastfeeding it hurts, but I could never imagine saying something negative to a bottle-feeding mom. My best friend stopped nursing after a few weeks purely by choice. I don't agree with her decision but I would never bring it up. What's the point?

I'm not sure why any Lactivist would pick on a woman who has already made their choice (in the lactivist's mind). It's not like someone would say "Oh, thanks for sharing, I'll stop bottle-feeding right this minute!"

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:29am

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:30am

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:29am

[mamazee]

A rude person will be rude in the name of whatever cause. So sure, some lactivists can be rude about lactivism, just like some vegetarians can be rude about vegetarianism, or some Christians can be rude about Christianity, or whatever else. That certainly doesn't mean that all lactivists, all vegetarians, or all Chrisitans are rude, or that rudeness is a part of lactivism, vegetarianism, or Christianity. It just means that if someone is going to be rude, it'll show up in things that are important to them.

[AAK]

This IS terrible! I consider myself a "lactivist" but I don't behave like that. I am even more careful about what I say and how I do it since I have heard many horror stories about overzealous (aka rude) lactivists. One friend of mine (I met after her kids were preschoolers) said that the attitude was so bad (same stuff as you essentially) that she didn't even bother trying to nurse her second. That was really sad. How counter productive! After hearing that, I wanted to make sure that I was NEVER the reason that someone didn't bother trying again with the next child.

Now, I support nursing moms! But I don't shun ff moms either (I hope I never did). If they bring up their nursing struggles, I treat it like birth--I LISTEN to their story. Depending on the situation, I may or may not offer anything to the conversation. Usually, the mother did try to nurse. They often feel guilty about ff (at least if they are spilling their guts, it seems) so then, I try to remind them that we all do our best, not to feel guilty--just LOVE your baby. I sometimes mention how each child is different and that they can try again with the next.

Amy

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/3/10 at 11:18am

[evenstarlight]

I'm sorry you're feeling like you don't fit in anywhere and that you've had negative things said to you.
There is never a reason or excuse for rudeness....no matter what the situation may be. I agree with the person who said that in all walks of life, causes, etc. there are going to be people who are gracious and compassionate, and people who are simply full of hot air and rude. Our "human-ness" often enshrouds our opinions regarding a certain issue sometimes.
Saying those types of things once a woman has made her choice is simply pointless...I'd say you are not experiencing "lactivism" but just people expressing pro-breastfeeding opinions in a rude way....that's not lactivism in itself.

[laohaire]

What do you think about putting a big sticker (or whatever) on bottles that you bring out in public that are pro-BFing? Like the universal breastfeeding icon or something?

I can think of reasons why someone might not want to do that - feeling resentful that they even have to explain or anything - but if it were me I think I'd be ok with it. If having a bottle "marks" you, the sticker could "correct" that "mark."

Of course the reason problem isn't your "mark" but RUDE PEOPLE, but if the point is to just shut them up, that could help.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

This is true, but I suppose the difference for me is while I have encountered vegetarians, Christians, and many others who are rude, I have also encountered many people belonging to the same group/classification/term that best fits the sentiment who are quite nice.

But I haven't encountered someone terming themselves a lactivist who hasn't belonged to the former category. This is hardly a representative sample, I know, but it also doesn't make me want to seek out anyone else who would label themselves as a lactivist even if it turns out that person is quite nice. I suppose part of why I posted is to have a reason to believe that not all lactivists are unpleasant.

This reminds me of how the term "feminist" got such a negative connotation in the 80s and 90s. It seemed that a few outspoken, public feminist leaders that rubbed some people the wrong way became the symbol for what a feminist "was," and somehow anyone using that term to describe themselves was colored with that lens.

Have you spent much time reading threads in this forum? As you read through the threads, focus on the compassionate, supportive posts, and then you can say that you "know" lots of nice lactivists.

[monkey-lamb]

Many times when a woman tries and fails at breastfeeding, she has given up too soon because of bad information or she is looking for a way out. I have known many mothers like that. Regardless of the reasons for not breastfeeding, legitimate or otherwise, what you experienced does not further the cause of lactivism. My lactivist actions are things like going to the nursing store and getting new horns and taking them to a friend who is a new mom and is having trouble pumping in the early post-partum weeks. I bought another friend a pump to support her efforts to continue breastfeeding. Another friend, I gave information and encouraged her to breastfeed to the point where she agreed to try it "just for me" in her words. After giving it a chance (and she wasn't planning to otherwise), she was hooked. By ensuring her that I would not judge her if she chose to FF, she was more willing to listen to what I had to say about breastfeeding.

I do agree with what a previous poster said about there being rude people in all walks of life. Not all lactivists are rude. Whenever someone tells me she is feeding formula, I just keep my mouth shut. Should I jump up and say something? I don't think so. I have empirical evidence that I will have more success by being positive and supportive.

[~pi]

I'm so very sorry that you have had your feelings hurt. Some of the put-downs you mention are just horrible.

It's so incredibly tough when you do everything "right" but it still doesn't work out. It isn't fair, and it sucks when people do not acknowledge that possibility and instead pretend that success is a pure function of effort.

If I may make a gentle suggestion -- you might not be in a place yet where you can engage with these 'lactivists' without having your feelings hurt. Even those who are generally nice people might say things that are thoughtless or insensitive of your situation.

I could be wrong, but the vibe I get from your posts is that you are still in a fairly raw place about this. I didn't go through the same thing with breastfeeding, but I did with birth issues, and for my own well-being, I avoided discussions about birth until I started to feel less raw. Once I started to get past the idea that I had failed, I noticed that the things that people were saying were not as mean as I had interpreted -- I was just really, really sensitive for a while and needed to give myself some space to come to terms with my own experience and realize that general statements were not necessarily about me.

FWIW, if you do need to engage with these people from time to time, I would keep in mind a few things:

- A fair number of scientific studies that demonstrate the health benefits of breastfeeding define "breastfed" as "breastfed for 3 months." The fact that you got to that point in spite of the enormous obstacles that you faced is not only a huge achievement, it also represents a significant chunk of benefits.

- There really are no guarantees. You can do your absolute level best, and it still might not work out. That is just the unfortunate truth. Some people don't want to believe that there are factors that are outside people's control; they are sadly naive and ignorant.

- Related to the above ... it can be very difficult for people to accept and understand that things may be more complex than they would like to believe. Sure, perhaps for the majority of women and babies, it's a relatively simple process, but there will always be an unfortunate minority who have trouble. It isn't fair, but that is life. I agree with the pp that even though it's painful, your experience has probably made you an even more compassionate and thoughtful parent.

- Infant feeding can be such a big deal in groups of infants, but the older the child gets, the less it will matter. My son is three now and honestly, at this age, no one cares anymore.

- Saying that someone who uses formula cannot be supportive of breastfeeding is ridiculous. IMHO, that idea is totally contrary to the spirit of lactivism, which should be about increasing support for breastfeeding among everyone.

Again, many to you for what you have gone through. You have my utmost admiration for giving it such a herculean effort. I hope you are able to come to peace with this issue and find a way to ignore people who are insensitive and ignorant.