How to handle *negative* action lactivism? - Page 3

[krystyn33]

Originally Posted by mamajake

I think "Lactivism" is the fight for all mothers to have information and opportunity. If I thought it were just another excuse for hatred and intolerance, I would want none of it.

Well said! And I loved the post from pi also. It took me nearly a year to work through my feelings of my home birth plans turning into a c-sec (breech)--it is a healing process. I totally agree that you needn't defend yourself to anyone. And my heart breaks for your struggle & that things didn't work out. The rudeness directed toward you was WAY OUT OF LINE and not lactivism, despite what those mamas may think.

[elanorh]

A dear friend wasn't able to breastfeed to her goals with her baby this year - a cascade of problems ranging from lack of support to medical issues etc. She told me that an acquaintance of hers gave her a 'lecture' about not working harder at breastfeeding and moving to formula instead.

I told her that she should have told this 'friend' that somehow she must have missed the supportive visits she made in the early days while she was struggling with mastitis, PPD, latch issues, and anti-breastfeeding family members.

I came very near switching to 100% formula with my first dd -- a very long story. We were literally hours away from it ... in the end with a tremendous amount of support from doctors, family, etc. we were able to pull through and nursed for 2 1/2 years with her, and nearly 3 now with dd2. I absolutely remember feeling SOOO angry towards women who 'hadn't tried' to breastfeed, and just gave formula - we were trying so hard and couldn't get it right. I don't know if there is a part of motherhood which can feel more personal and more judged than breastfeeding, especially for moms who intended to breastfeed and for whatever reason weren't able to. It took maybe a full year or more before I didn't feel so raw about what I'd been through ... this will take time for you, too.

I think a lot of the 'lactivists' who come on so belligerently do so because they haven't experienced the difficulties ... it's always easy to lecture someone else about what they should have/could have done, when we've overcome our obstacles and they weren't that big a deal, anyway.

At the same time, I know one reason I'm such a committed lactivist is because I had to work so hard to breastfeed Ina - and I know that I only made it by a hair. If I hadn't had such a good LC - or supportive Ped or OB - or if my family hadn't been supportive - if I didn't have friends bringing us meals that were free of dd1's allergens .... So many women don't have that combination. I got really lucky. And it stinks that I had to get 'lucky.' That level of knowledge, support, and commitment should be there for every mother who wants to breastfeed. So, that said - I do try to encourage mothers who've struggled; I know how close I came with Ina, and ended up having a wonderful nursing relationship from the beginning with SJ. I don't know if I would have tried with SJ, if I hadn't been able to make it work with Ina, and I would have missed so much!

[Equuskia]

Originally Posted by mrs*kewpie*pie

i consider myself a lactivist. i don't know what the solution is. are these people who are telling you these things people who are friends or family and they give you greater griefthan they would give some one more random in their lives? do they have any lactation training?

when i took my clc class (certified lactation counselor) wewere told that its not our job to convince anyone to breastfeed, just to give info for those who want it

maybe one part of the solution would be for anyone who chooses to call themself a lactivist to get some training. mine was through a community program so it was subsidized and we only had to pay 50$

i did it not b/c i have intentions of doing lactation counseling professionally, at least not at this point, but so that as a friend i'd have up-to-date, evidence based, correct info and a clearer understanding of how to go about offering the info i have.

one of the main points that was made wrt counseling women was to do more listening than talking.

in fact the theme song went like this

"when you counsel, when you counsel
never judge, never judge
praise mother and baby, praise mother and baby
(can't remember the last line but you get the idea)"

‘When you counsel/When you counsel,
Never judge/Never judge,
Praise mother and baby/Praise mother and baby,
Don't command, Do suggest’

[Little Bear's Mama]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

Since the switch to formula, I have experienced horrible things said to me by people when I feed my baby a bottle. I've been told I'm a terrible mother. I'm told I should have done [insert anything from the above that I did do]. I'm told I gave up too soon. I'm told low supply is rare and that breastfeeding is easy and I just didn't have the right support (which is partly true, but hardly enough on its own). I'm told I'm a bad example to mothers even newer than I because I wouldn't stick out the hour long pumpings for one oz of breastmilk.

These things have been said to me by people who term themselves "lactivists", it's not a term I willy-nilly give to them but absolutely how they describe themselves.

What you're describing isn't lactivism. Being judgemental has nothing to do with lactivism.

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

What do I do to express that this type of behavior a) doesn't serve the lactivist cause at all and is not productive, b) possibly alienates mothers who do legitimately have supply issues whether it be a transfer or supply issue (chicken/egg again), and c) that just because I'm not breastfeeding doesn't mean I don't support it?

Most lactivists know that type of behavior isn't going to help the cause. It sounds like you're dealing with someone on a personal level, though. Did this person try to encourage you/support you when you were breastfeeding? If so, do you think it's possible that she views your experience as her own failure as a friend? Perhaps that is where the true tension lies. If you value her friendship, I would suggest trying to talk it out with her. If you don't value her friendship, then I would suggest limiting your time and communications with her.

When someone says negative things to you about bottle feeding, one approach would be to simply say thank you for that information and change the subject. That's the "pass the bean dip" approach. "Thank you for that information. Please pass the bean dip." "Thanks! What kind of baby carrier is that?" "I know, right? Say! Is that a rabbit?!" You get the idea.

This link gives some good advice and links for dealing with criticism (the approach of the author is geared towards breastfeeding, but the advice would work in any parenting situation):
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/criticism.html
One of the suggestions is this:
"I respect your opinion and value your advice, but I have thought this out carefully and done a lot of research, and my mind is made up. I will be happy to respect your opinion and listen to what you have to say, but you have to respect my decision--and it is MY decision."

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

There seems to be a real divide with the particular lactivists I've encountered between breastfeeding and formula feeding -- you're either one or the other, black or white, and the reasons do not matter.

Some lactivists feel that way, but it's definitely not all. I've noticed that it is usually more pronounced among women who are new lactivists, especially those who are still nursing or who recently weaned. The good news is that over time, most learn to temper their enthusiasm and learn what being a lactivist truly means. Those who have issues with being judgemental will probably always be judgemental in whatever activity they participate in (As a woman, I've learned that doesn't end with high school.).

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

It's a very crunchy place, but I never realized that crunchy also meant being mean.

Crunchy doesn't equal mean. The woman you described may be "crunchy" and she may be "mean", but that doesn't go to show that everyone who is crunchy will be mean. Anywhere you go, it's possible that you will run into someone that is acting mean or rude.

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I understand being supportive of breastfeeding, but isn't there room in lactivism for compassion for people in situations similar to mine?

Yes!

If it makes you feel any better, all of my friends and colleagues who are lactivists feel compassion towards mothers who have difficulty breastfeeding. That's no small number of lactivists, either.

Have you tried Mothers Overcoming Breastfeeding Issues (MOBI)? It's an online support group for mothers who have/had difficulties with breastfeeding.

Originally Posted by mamazee

A rude person will be rude in the name of whatever cause...It just means that if someone is going to be rude, it'll show up in things that are important to them.

ITA!

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Even "lactivists" are human and have faults. Over-zealousness, to the point of rudeness, is a fairly common fault among younger, newer lactivists.

Exactly!

Certainly not all lactivists are rude (new or not), but it does seem to be more common in the "new to lactivism" folks. That doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does explain it. Sometimes, we have to learn how to temper enthusiasm and how to represent something you feel passionate about without alienating the very women you're trying to help.

Originally Posted by mamajake

I think "Lactivism" is the fight for all mothers to have information and opportunity. If I thought it were just another excuse for hatred and intolerance, I would want none of it.

Me, either. Who has time for more negativity?

[Bookworm715]

I'm so shocked when I hear things like this because my experience is always the opposite- bfing is gross, I get nasty stares, I should be in the bathroom, etc.

You just can't win. People are just jerks sometimes. :