How "old" is your 11 year old?

[Dar]

I'm trying to get a handle on this pre-teen stuff, and Rain at 11 suddenly seems about 2 years older than she was two months ago, when she was 10. I'm wondering what other 11 year olds are like? Rain is physically mature, about 5'2", tall and leggy but with definite hip and boob development. She's more interested in clothes now, but she still has a couple of favorite hanna andersson outfits, as well as the gap jeans and "hoodies" and little fitted shirts (fitted, not tight, just not big loose t shirts like she used to wear) that say things like "Drama Queen" (well, she is big into theatre). She wears lip gloss and cares more about her hair, mostly she just does ponytail-type stuff, but it matters more. She's been having some minor acne stuff for about a year now, and so she's into face masks and special acne lotions and stuff, and really you can't even see her skin problems unless you're about 6 inches away so I think it's overkill, but she enjoys the process...

Socially, she likes to "go for coffee" and pay with her own gift cards, which she keeps in her own purse with the Grumpy Bear wallet. She interacts in a lot of boy-girl groups, where maybe 2 girls and 2 boys will hang out and talk and laugh and hug and poke, in a sort of teasing, almost-flirty way. This happens a lot at rehearsal for the show she's currently doing, and I've notived that she hangs with slightly older kids, like 14. They're all nice kids, she's worked with them before and I know their parents, but they're a little older. OTOH. because Rain has always been tall, she's aways often up being with older kids, and she has a 14 yr old boy "cousin" who is our only neighbor for miles and miles. I'm thinking maybe she's an oldish 11 and they're youngish 14 yr olds...?

She seems happy, confident, bright, and all that. It's not like she's sneaking under the stage to make out with these guys, it's just laughing and playful teasing stuff. I guess I'm just feeling like she's becoming a teen, or a preteen, and it's so fast. She still plays with her playmobil people and her pollies at home, almost every day, so it's like she has a foot in each world...

So, what are (or were) your kids like at 11?

Dar

[daylily]

My eleven year old is a boy, and I think he behaves like a typical 11 year old. He and his friends are still boys--they wrestle like puppies and throw snowballs and run around like crazy. But ds and his friends are now showing an interest in popular music. Ds wants to buy his own CDs now. My ds does not appear to be particularly interested in girls yet. He seems to see them as something he will be into later, but for now he's too busy with other things. He isn't fussy about his appearance, although all this year he's been showering every day without being told to.

[daylily]

PS--I have a 10 year old dd, so it's interesting to hear your description of your dd. I wonder if this is what my dd will be like in a year's time. Right now, she is still very much a child--no teen-agey behavior whatsoever.

[grisandole]

I have an 11yo ds, and he isn't as mature as your dd sounds He turned 11 in November. I can see him getting more mature, though.


Kristi

[AnnMarie]

My daughter is 10, will be 11 in a month and a half. She wants to date and wear make-up and is already talking about getting her license. :LOL She's making me crazy!

[Dar]

It sounds like, on average, girls mature socially a little faster than boys... which is true physically so it makes sense that they would be the same socially...

I guess I should also mention that besides all the stuff I mentioned, Rain has matured a lot in other ways. She makes breakfast for both of us most mornings - real breakfast, like bacon and egg burritos. She's pleasant to be with and polite and all that... it's just that she seems *older*.

She said that she wnats to start dating by going out in groups, and then maybe couples, and then a date with just two people. Right now shes still having sweet crushes, though. She won't tell me who, but I finally got it narrowed down to two boys (she wouldn't tell me what gender, even). They're both nice kids...

Rain's worn make-up for years on stage, so for her that's not a big thing.


Dar

[grisandole]

Oh yes, girls do mature much faster. I was way more mature at 11 than my ds is.

He's getting way more independent, though. He can cook for himself, he takes care of our dogs, and in general is showing a lot more responsibility. I just taught him how to do his own laundry.

He's also getting into "real" movies like LOTR, and more teen/adult themed movies.

Last night we all watched "Detroit Rock City", and he really liked it.

He's also really into rock music.

Kristi

[calgal007]

My ds is eleven. He's pretty much like the other boys described here. He wants to buy his own music, he puts gel in his hair before school, he lies on the floor and hugs his dog for hours on end. He also argues ('circular arguments') with me and I've had to bite holes in my tongue to avoid getting sucked into that losing battle.

He likes girls and will comment that soandso is pretty, but he's very innocent about the whole idea of anything romantic. This is a good thread, in my opinion; it's nice to compare notes!

Also, no signs of developing yet, with the exception of those rank armpits!

[Monkey]

oh dar

your dd sounds like a doll, i wish i had more insight
my sd is 10 1/2 we dont see her much but id like to think she is much like yours

[BubbiesMami]

my dd is 12 gonna be 13 in June and this past year has brought many changes for her. She has grown up alot. Not really sure what the normal 12 yr olds are doing but mine seems to be pretty matured for her age. Not into boys or anything like that but does get flustered when boys tell her she is cute :LOL

[ekblad9]

My oldest son will be 12 next week. He cooks most of his own meals, babysits (willingly) for his younger siblings, showers every morning (that's a new thing), and just seems more "grown up". He's not into girls or clothes or anything like that but my seven year old dd is. :LOL

Anyway, your daughter sounds like a wonderful girl!

[MelMel]

my niece is 11. does that count??:LOL

she sounds alot like you described...only a bit more 'needy' if thats the right word. she is always bubbly and trying hard to be fun...she cares alot about cloths, ALOT. makeup, the phone, all that stuff. she has already tried smoking, numerous times, over a year ago (hopefully she's done with that, but probably not, as her biggest goal is to be 'cool' in alot of negative ways) she has begun trying to act more teenish (or how she thinks a teen would act) when she says some things it sounds like she is mimicing or playing a part...its odd, and hard to describe.
she is a gorgeous tall blond girl. very thin, but says she is fat (her mother has put so many body issues in her head, she is also extremely centured on looks, sex appeal, etc)

I worry about her. alot.
she isnt getting attention she needs to thrive and explore her new perspectives in a healthy way, i fear.

we try to do alot of stuff with her (fun, silly things that kids do...like sled riding and walking to the library, goofy games, tea parties, etc)
alot of what she says is sarcastic.
i re-read this and it sounds negative, but it is just the things that surprise and worry me about her. she is a wonderful, smart, beautiful, fun, helpful girl...but that doesnt surprise me

[crazy_eights]

My 11 year old is *young*. He still plays lego, hangs out with younger kids, not older, etc. He recently shocked me by asking me "mommy [yup, still calls me mommy], I know all about meiosis and mitosis and fetal development, but how does the sperm get to the egg?" And how THAT little detail got missed, I'm not sure. His reaction to the answer was 'THAT IS DISGUSTING!!!!"

However - I might add, he has moments where it is one extreme or the other. One minute he acts 6, the next he acts grown. I think that is part of the age - 1 part baby, 1 part adult

[pugmadmama]

My son is 11, he'll be 12 in April. I've noticed a lot of big changes over this past year. He asked if he could start staying home alone for short periods of time while I run errands, he developed his first big crush on a girl, he is definatly trying to figure out what it means to be a "young man" as opposed to being a child.

It all seems very natural and normal for him. On the other hand, I'm not ready for any of it! I guess I'd better get ready.

[doulamomvicki]

My dd is 12. She acts like she is caught between 2 worlds - being a child and being a teen. I am reading Reviving Ophelia which discusses this stage. If there is any good advice for this age in the book I will pass it on.

My heart breaks for dd. She used to be so confident. Now she is so uncertain who she is (or what she thinks everyone thinks she should be). All I can do is love and gently guide her.

[barbara]

Dar, what you discribe is pretty typical for 11 year old girls. A foot in both worlds, kind of like when they were toddlers...two steps forward and one back...out to explore and then run back to mommy for security.

I think that this suddenly grown up stuff has a lot to do with when they go through puberty. For some it is around 11 and for others it is a bit later. Homeschooled kids do tend to be a bit mature in most cases.

I found that with my boys and girls there was about a year of changing, with a lot of moodiness accompaning it. I tried to give them space to "find" them selves, but also to be there when they wanted to talk, and to continue to provide emotional support and physical closeness/comfort when they would let me.

I love the preteen/teen years as they test the waters of independence and become conversational on a different level. The dating thing is scary at times, but you have raised her to have a good head on her shoulders! Keep your lines of communication open and you may be surprised how much she confides in you.

[MaShroom]

my dd is 11, she'll be 12 next saturday, the 13th. she is a total freakshow emotionally but not always in a bad way. sometimes i'm not sure if jekyll or hyde is going to get into the car when i pick her up.:LOL it was way worse a year ago though.

she has really come to know herself and has decided to hang onto the child a little longer. i see her venturing out but it is most definitely at her own pace. she doesn't take her peers too seriously as many girls her age do. i'm really proud of her.

a couple of weeks ago she went to a birthday sleepover for a friend. the friend has 2 younger brothers and a sister. this girl was so mean to her younger siblings, swearing, yelling, the whole bit. ivey was so mad at her and disgusted with the way this girl was treating them that she called my dad to come pick her up. that seriously took guts. i'm so glad that she stands up for herself.

[MommaCheesehead]

Hope you don't mind me jumping in I'm just starting to stretch my legs on MDC.

My son will be 12 in April. I'm amazed by the physical changes he's gone through over the winter. He was always very long and lean (like his mama). He has put on at least 15 lbs over the last 6 months and is filling out all over the place. He's taking much more of an interest in his appearance and has started showering regularly (without being forced to), using deoderant, wanting to pick out his own toothpaste/shampoos/soaps, and being very particular about the clothing and shoes he wears.

He hasn't shown any interest in girls yet but I'm sure that's right around the corner. Like Barbara stated, he definitely has a foot in both worlds. He still likes to play legos and play dough with Ben but also wants to see R rated movies and wants way more independence than I'm ready to give him.

I know the next few years will bring so many changes and struggles but I'm also really enjoying watching him grow into a man

[HokieGirl]

My step dd is 14 - so a little older but still much into the same stuff you all describe. It does drive me bananas - how into fashion/hair/etc. she is - but one thing I keep trying to remember is that 8th/9th grade for most kids is still a time of really trying to fit in - the not worrying so much what other kids think starts to come a little later in high school - and for some us even in college.

[Bestbirths]

Dar-

Megan will turn 11 next month and I can see similarities in her to what you have described with Rain. She seems suddenly older, and wants to act and be treated like a grown up. She doesn't want to go to speech therapy for her dislexia because the teacher uses a condesending tone and speaks to her "like a child". We try to talk to all of our kids with respect no matter what their age, but she notices ANY variation from this and won't put up with it. She is interested in clothes and make-up, especially lip gloss. She doesn't have acne, and recently we shopped for her first bra. She is also homeschooled and has her own petsitting business which brings in $50 a month of money for her to manage. At first, she purchased expensive gifts for her friends birthday parties ($20-35). Then, she spent $100 at the Limited two store on one outfit. She later regretted deeply the purchase of the pants from the Limited Two because they didn't fit right and she couldn't return them because the bottom edge had become frayed and scuffed from dragging under her shoes. Now she is investing her money back into her business to grow it, and is singing the praises of target again. Socially, she has recently made friends with the neighbor across the street who just moved in. He is an 11 year old boy. Within, 2 days they described themselves mutually as best friends. The boy has taken 3 years of wrestling and was playfully wrestling dd to the ground. DH spoke with Megan about not wrestling with her friend. I have noticed some "Boyfriend/Girlfriend" type flirting going on. From him to her mostly, which we are keeping a close eye on. I am having some anxiety over the whole thing. Aside from this but kind of related, I am having boundary issues with the new neighbors, as in I want more space. The neighbors parents are going through a divorce and the Mother just moved to Kansas from Illinois and they don't know a lot of people, so they are kind of needy. We do enjoy their company, up to a point though. Their kids walk right into the house before without knocking (four boys ages 11 down to 5), and they want to play for hours everyday, and I feel like its infringing on our lives. I have spoken to them about knocking first, and also about not being in our house with our kids when we are not home. The Mom of these children is giving her children a summer of fun every single day to divert their minds from the divorce. We can't have a summer of fun everyday, but they invite us through my kids (not through me), every single day to join them. We have homeschooling to do, I work from home, and we were planning on cutting the fun and food budget in order to finish the basement to build our kids bedrooms this summer. We were going to work this summer. Work, Work, Work, I tell ya. That was the plan, anyway. Every day when the new friends invite us somewhere, and if I say no, I have pouty grouchy kids (especially dd who is 11) to deal with. I want to keep the vibes positive in dd's and myself's relationship, and these new friends have been a strain because I feel like I can't say that we have other things to do today and we can't go (fill in the blank-swimming, park, over to eat dinner) with the neighbors. The whole thing has happened very quickly over the past couple weeks. We are trying to figure out how to make dd happy and keep the communication lines open, while still having our own personal boundaries, so its been a challenging couple of weeks!!!

Megan is also very helpful around the house, does chores and cooking at the level of an adult. She told me that she should be able to go swimming everyday with the neighbors if she so chooses because she works hard and it's her life.......

OOPS!! I didn't intend on getting that much into this situation. I think I am going to talk with My neighbor about not having her kids invite my kids, but instead, she calls me directly if she wants to invite my kids, to eliminate some of the pouting problem. If they never knew they were invited, maybe the pouting would reduce. This whole thing has brought up one hundred issues to deal with all at once. ACK!!!