Spending time with other kids = do they have to eat in my car?

[Shiloh]

Okay I have a few groups of friends with kids.
We often do things together, but I own the only minivan.

First my friends dd was in my car the other day (she is 12)
I said no problem for eating in the car just "don't leave anything behind".
Oh you can guess what was on the floor, 4 different types of snacks (Fruit/meat) and a wrapper - and one cracker ground right into the carpet. Also when she was getting out stepped on some of my kid's stuff instead of pushing it aside - you know the typical pretween stuff.

Now its not that my kids don't do this but I don't mind cleaning up after my kids or pointing out hey dude there's your crap in the car and they will help.
I am not about to single this child out but when I clearly set down the rules, I am not sure I feel like allowing this kid to eat in my car again.
But how do I say that when it is obvious I eat in my car?
That she blew the opportunity to do it again?
But my kids sometimes have to eat in the car even a small snack as the youngest one is 11 months... or do I just not take them in the car anymore?

[holothuroidea]

It's your car and you're the boss, end of story.

This is what I would do: If you need to give her a ride again, I'd tell her that the last time she was in your car she left a huge mess and consequently she is not allowed to eat in your car again until she washes the outside and vacuums the inside.

You should not have to clean up after a 12 year old.

Also, LOL @ "pretween"

[Shiloh]

lol this kid told the mom g-dam-it when asked to do something really small.
no you didn't.
I think its best to stay away from the hormone levels

[holothuroidea]

Originally Posted by Shiloh

lol this kid told the mom g-dam-it when asked to do something really small.
no you didn't.
I think its best to stay away from the hormone levels

:

She doesn't sound very pleasant. I don't think that's "typical" behavior for a 12 year old. That is just unacceptable.

If she mouths off at you when you tell her not eat in your car because she left a mess, I would honestly just say look, you cannot talk to me that way and I will not tolerate this kind of attitude in my car/house/around my kids. However, I do love you very much and would certainly enjoy your presence if you would find it in your heart to apologize.

LOL

[Shiloh]

She doesn't sound very pleasant. I don't think that's "typical" behavior for a 12 year old. That is just unacceptable.

yeah that is my gut reaction too...except I have a teenager so I know better I just don't allow any religious swears of anyone's religion from holy cow to crikey.
So it morphs into insults on my character...

If she mouths off at you when you tell her not eat in your car because she left a mess, I would honestly just say look, you cannot talk to me that way and I will not tolerate this kind of attitude in my car/house/around my kids.

the mom was there....she handled it but I want to be able to send a clear message listen kid... it was great taking your mouthy behind to the waterpark today but if you ever I will never
but its not really my place?

Its also rubbing off on my one son who when I told him to get his bag out of the car he said - no really its not mine you bought it you get it....SIGH.

[Dar]

Originally Posted by Shiloh

Oh you can guess what was on the floor, 4 different types of snacks (Fruit/meat) and a wrapper - and one cracker ground right into the carpet. Also when she was getting out stepped on some of my kid's stuff instead of pushing it aside - you know the typical pretween stuff.

Now its not that my kids don't do this but I don't mind cleaning up after my kids or pointing out hey dude there's your crap in the car and they will help.

I think it's pretty typical 12 year old stuff, and banning her from eating in your car (when everyone else gets too) is overly harsh and will lead to bad feelings. The long-term goal with preteens is to create relationships of mutual respect that will last through the teen years, and I found this to be valuable to do with my daughter's friends as well as with my daughter.

So, I would say exactly what you would say to your own kids. If she's getting out and leaving stuff behind, say, "Hey, don't forget your wrappers and your chips there!" or whatever. Light, friendly tone, and a casual reminder. Twelve year olds often need these sorts of reminders, really - many are just scattered. Honestly, I wouldn't see leaving her stuff behind as a big deal, and you said that your own kids do this and for them you don't mind cleaning up the mess sometimes... and I don't think you can expect more from her. It would be nice, but I don't think you can expect it.

Is there a larger issue here, though, because you have the only minivan and are thus doing the bulk of the kid-hauling for group get-togethers? I could see feeling resentful about that after a while, especially if the other parents aren't contributing in other ways...

[Evergreen]

Start the no food in the car rule. You can amend it to allow your kids to have snacks at certain times, tell the the reason for your rule. It's fine.

[Shiloh]

maybe I will just ban crumbly foods

So, I would say exactly what you would say to your own kids. If she's getting out and leaving stuff behind, say, "Hey, don't forget your wrappers and your chips there!"

good advice...

Is there a larger issue here, though, because you have the only minivan and are thus doing the bulk of the kid-hauling for group get-togethers? I could see feeling resentful about that after a while, especially if the other parents aren't contributing in other ways...

actually I feel bad complaining most of my friends do a lot for me, but this kid is really grating on my nerves... and I am thinking oh horror am I going to go through this 3 more times?

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by Shiloh

maybe I will just ban crumbly foods

Come on! You're a mom! You know everything has the potential to be crumbly!

[limabean]

I'd give her another chance rather than banning her from eating based on one isolated incident. I can understand a 12yo needing a reminder if she's not used to having to clean food/trash out of her parents' cars. But I also wouldn't be shy about speaking up and saying that all the food/trash needs to be out of the car before we can go inside/do whatever.

[Shiloh]

LOL yes everything is a disaster in the making!

Isolated...not really its kinda cumulative but its never the same thing KWIM.

I guess i got to learn to speak up like when my friend's 3 year old spills his juice on my floor and he just looks at me and she says nothing I got to get the mop and hand it to him....not sit and stew (I think a kid should make an attempt at clean up then I will finish)

its more about not overstepping my bounds with other people's kids but not feeling like they take advantage of the situation

[mrs joe bubby]

I have a 12 yr old niece so I totally get being afraid of the walking hormone. When she goes somewhere with us I just say something to her, like hey hon can you please grab your burger wrapper and grab that cup? She's never snapped at me or anything. I don't ask her to wash or vacuum her messes in the car, just because I clean my car thoroughly pretty often and wouldn't ask anyone else to do it either. The car is pretty childproof anyway now that I think about it, every surface can be either taken out and washed or wiped down.

[holothuroidea]

I don't know...

If my DH ate crackers in my car, stepped on them, and left the mess for me to clean up... you better believe I would not let him eat in my car again until he cleaned it. I'm def. not going to let some kid get away with it just because I'm afraid of a bad attitude!

[One_Girl]

I think you should tell her what was left behind last time and ask her to be more careful about it this time. You should also not hesitate to ask her to clean up after herself even if she isn't your child, especially if you will be spending a lot of time with her. If she is one of your child's friends then you could even have them say this to the friend because at that age it may be more effective to hear you need to change something you do from your friend then from an adult.

[KweenKrunch]

I think it's fair to make her stay in the car when the ride is over, and have her clean up whatever mess she makes.

Or, you can just say, "No food in the car right now" when she's with you.

We do not allow any food in our car, except water, so I don't think that would be terrible of you.

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by Shiloh

I guess i got to learn to speak up like when my friend's 3 year old spills his juice on my floor and he just looks at me and she says nothing I got to get the mop and hand it to him....not sit and stew (I think a kid should make an attempt at clean up then I will finish)

I don't even want to think about my kids or their friends being 12. lol So, I don't know about that, but do you really expect a 3 yr old to clean up his spilled juice in your home? When I'm at other people's homes, I always feel at a loss for stuff like that... Like if I spilled juice myself, I'd ask for a rag or whatever, but I'd probably feel uncomfortable about it. I wouldn't expect a 3 yr old to do it even in their own house, let alone someone else's. Maybe I'm a little lax about that kinda thing, though. I am only just starting to expect it from my five year old, and still not to do it well but just to make an attempt. But even there, he may just look at me after spilling and then I say "can you grab a towel to clean that up?"

Now the mom, she shoulda said, "hey where can I find a rag or something along those lines."

[greenmansions]

Gah. I pulled up this thread doing a search for minivans, as our car needs a new transmission (for 6 flippin' thousand dollars!!!) and we will be getting a minivan rather than fixing it, tho it will sit in our driveway for awhile while we get the money together. But this thread has me rethinking the minivan, since I will be the only one in our "circle" who has one. I do not want to be the designated driver all the time, nor do I like messes in the car. Not sure what to do there.

Anyway, to answer the OP, I have no problem asking the kid to clean up after themselves - usually a "everyone take all your trash with you. Oh, Mary, you forgot that wrapper on the floor, can you get it?" Usually with such direct requests, the kid will usually pick up, and if not, the mom will. Though I do know moms who would just waltz out of the car and not give a second look. They irk me. LOL.

FWIW, I am also in the camp of not expecting a 3 yo to clean up. Maybe around age 5 or 6, and still usually with prompting.

[ian'smommaya]

so op, what is your goal in dealing with the kids involved?
is your goal to vent?
is your goal to stop them eatting in your car?
is your goal to have them learn to clean up with out you pointing it out?
is your goal to you car remain clean at all times?

i think that is you really thought about your goals in this situation it would help. then you can figure out what to do... if your trying to help, trying to be friendly with the other momma's, then maybe consider reminders to all the kids to empty the trash when they get out...