Can't Stop Torturing myself

[Kama82]

My mom died wed. She had a heart attack or a stroke early monday morning, stopped breathing and suffered massive brain damage. Our options were to have her put on permanent life support and moved to a nursing home or to let her go. She was very clear that she never wanted to be on permanent life support. So wednesday afternoon we let them remove her ventilator.

I was there. Now I spend every second feeling like I should have waited, I should have done something else, I should have given her longer to get better. What if the doctors were wrong? It just seems like things moved way too fast.

I don't even know how to begin to cope with this. I miss my mom so much every second, and the situation for my dad and my brother is really bad now, they have to move immediately and may even lose their car because of the massive medical bills (Over 700,000).

[nannymom]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I was with my Dad when he passed and it has been years and I still think of it often.

Does the hospital where she passes have assitance programs that could help your father with the bills?

[2goingon2]

Oh - peace to you and your family. There probably isn't anything that will make you feel better but perhaps knowing that you honored your mother's wish. I hope you can get help with the financial part.

[Kirsten]

I'm sorry for your loss. It is hard to follow the wishes of a parent in a case like this. I think second guessing it is normal, but the other option would just have prolonged the hurt for all of you. You did what she wanted. The pain is sharp right now, but time will help. May your memories comfort you.

[becoming]

I'm so sorry this happened. No one should ever have to make the kind of decision you had to make, but I hope eventually you can have peace in knowing that you did what your mother would have wanted you to do. Hopefully, somehow, somewhere, she will be able to thank you for making that choice for her. Peace and strength to you.

[notjustmamie]

s

[WC_hapamama]

I know how you're feeling... we're in a similar situation with my dad. He had a heart attack at work in early June, sustained a brain bleed from the fall, had a stroke in the ER, and has hypoxic encephalopathy from the cardiac arrest.

We chose to continue supportive care, and try to give him a chance to recover, but we (Mom and sibs and I) are all having our moments where we're second guessing that decision and wonder if Dad would really want to live this way permanently. His neurologist gave him a "guarded prognosis", so it wasn't entirely doom and gloom.

It was an incredibly hard decision either way, but Mom wasn't ready to say goodbye to him yet, and since he's relatively young (60) and hadn't discussed what he'd want should this situation arise, we opted to err on the side of caution and give him a chance to recover.

[hedgehogs4]

I'm so sorry about your mom, Kama82. It sounds by your post that your mom made a decision that she did not want permanent life support and you made the loving choice to honor her wishes. As a nurse, I often see what a loving gift it is for a parent to be clear in their wishes for end of life care and choices they wish to be followed. She made a choice and you honored that choice and both things are an act of love. Please be gentle with yourself.

[Cherie2]

i know exactly how you feel. the same thing happened to me almost 2 years ago. mom was very clear, all our lives with her wishes.. there was no guesswork. if we had given her a feeding tube she would still be alive. half of her body paralyzed, but alive.
but that is not the life she wanted, and i can't blame her. she would have been miserable.
every once in a while i wonder, what if her brain damage could have healed? but her neurologist was grilled for an hour by a rn who is an old friend of moms who was convinced we should wait, but even she said no, it was not going to happen, so that gives me some comfort.
i am very glad her wishes were clear, i can't imagine having to make that decision for her.
many many hugs to you, please take care of yourself right now, and let others help. cry whenever you can.
and check with the hospital about financial assistance, there is help available.

[wendyland]

I'm sorry about your loss. My mom passed a little over a year ago. She was on life support for a little while and all of those thoughts ran through my head. She ended up having another cardiac arrest and died, so we didn't have to make that decision. I don't think we would have kept her on, but if we did, I know I would have the same troubles as you. It's hard enough losing a parent, let along having other complications to think about.

Also, there's a mom's without mom's thread in the tribal area.

[GearGirl]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your decision was very brave and what your mom wanted. I watched my MIL who wanted to be kept alive by all means suffer and suffer through the last year of her life, and I sometimes wish we had the choice to have ended that suffering. It sounds like you did the most loving thing you could have done in a horrible situation. I bet your mom would be proud of you that you followed her wishes even though it was hard. That is the kind of act of love we all hope our children would provide us with. Again, I'm so sorry.

[Kama82]

Thank you very much for your kind words and sharing your stories. I was pretty incoherent with grief when I wrote this post.

[ckberkey]

Wow. That must have been a terrible decision to make, though obviously the only thing to do. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to deal with the aftermath. I am sending you positive energy, my prayers, and a great big hug.