or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › VBAC › Best evidence for swaying a skeptical father?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Best evidence for swaying a skeptical father? - Page 2

post #21 of 26
Wow- what a hard topic and so much great advice has been given! My husband was skeptical but he came around when he saw how much I meant it. I was constantly researching and reading. Husbands do love their wives and want what is best for them. I would think that a good reading of risks of c/s to mom and baby might help. Also, she should consider having him come to an ob appt and also a midwife appt. There is tons of difference and he will likely appreciate how he is needed at one type of birth and notice how he is not needed at the other type of birth. If it is the fear factor or peer pressure (neighbors, family and church members talked to my hubby) then it needs to be confronted head on. Neither of us knew anything at c/s #2 and he was compassionate but not completely supportive at c/s 3 and 4 because of the fear, but he saw how I suffered (even if he can't know the whole of it, he still saw in part). At my last attempt he did know however that I was relying upon him to save me from the wolves- whomever they may have been. He was incredible!!! Even though I didn't vbac, I still have fond memories of the way he took care of me, the way I needed to be take care of, according to me. These memories have done much to help me in my recovery. That bond is so much more important than the rest, her husband needs to know that too. My husband knew after several years and then months before of research that stats were in my favor. Many men need time for an idea to sink in, sometimes it is best not to push the issue forcefully at first but to let them get their mind around it, in small bits and pieces so they can process. Mom has all of the feelings inside her and it is nearly impossible to get at them all, much less rationally process and then relay them to someone else, especially if that person is in any way opposed to the idea. It's not going to be easy to convince him but I recommend openness and vulnerability. Paint him the picture of protector and keeper and he'll step up to the plate. That and keep him away from the fear mongers until he's convinced. Are there any other men who could talk to him about it? Sometimes it is the power of the second person that helps. If all else fails, have him swap surgeries. I don't recommend the v but what about a random hernia surgery (unneeded of course), appendectomy or knee surgery? Even present the idea to him that way- maybe he needs a category to see how odd it is to do a surgery that isn't needed. Such a hard subject, so sorry that she is having to convince anyone else too, especially her husband. If he remains skeptical, be sure she has the support at the birth that by rights is his but that she needs if he doesn't give it.
post #22 of 26
I have to agree, this is one place where I would just outright refuse, IF I couldn't convince him otherwise. I'm lucky in that my fiance, who was pretty much clueless as far as birth/babies go, but all he has done is ask me about stuff, ask why, and pretty much go with it. It didn't even occur to him that they would do a repeat cesarean for NO other reason than because I had one before...he found that rather idiotic.

I do think it helped a bit going to the midwife first, then the OBs, it let him see the difference to some extent. He got rather annoyed at the OB as well-they read a report wrong, insisted that I was 2 weeks earlier than I was, and refused to even try to get a heartbeat-I was 11 weeks according to them, 13 according to me. This was after we went through hell trying to get a babysitter so he could go back-they didn't want 4 kids in the patient room.

Compared to the midwife, where the kids just play in the waiting room right outside the door and are free to come in and out of the patient room...yeah. He still left it up to me but basically said he actually prefered the midwife. Actually over the course of all of that, he got really excited at the prospect of a homebirth and possibly a UC! I couldn't believe it!

Anyway, I think most men would look at the statistics and say ok, you're right. I mean, even a trial of labor is better than no labor at all, even if it ends in a cesarean. It gets those hormones flowing.
post #23 of 26
I don't call myself a feminist at all, but I am appalled at the reasoning that since a marriage is a "partnership" when there is a disagreement the wife defers to the man. That is absurd. She should feel every right to put her foot down, it's her body, her life and the life of her child.
post #24 of 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by prancie View Post
I don't call myself a feminist at all, but I am appalled at the reasoning that since a marriage is a "partnership" when there is a disagreement the wife defers to the man. That is absurd. She should feel every right to put her foot down, it's her body, her life and the life of her child.


I am all for being submissive to the husband, as the Bible tells us, but Jesus was a feminist. I do have a difficult time with the mandate in our Book, even though I believe in it, because that is just in my nature. But when it comes to birth, there is just not anything in the Bible that says that I must put my body to be sacrificed on the alter of male tyranny. Men can't give birth, women can. That simple. I think that the husband's have some right to have their say about the baby (moreso if she wants to abort), it is theirs too, but they have to defer to the woman's instinct and intution when it comes to birth and the giving of life in the safest way possible.

Before DH and I were married, we were expecting, and I was still nursing my son. Some girl at his work told him that by nursing, I was going to m/c. Actually, BFing extends the PG. But, not ever having a child or being married, he just got all frantic. So, he came to my parent's house to talk to me about this, and my sister started throwing all that submissiveness stuff in my face. Saying that even her LLL leaders wean their babies when they get PG. I assured him that it was okay, all was going to be fine, and we went on. He gives up easily on a fight, so I do have a difficult time balancing our roles. Later on, when the family dr wanted to refer me to an OB cause he was too lazy to get my records, to have a RCS JIC I had the wrong scar (which we both knew I didn't) at 34 wks, my DH said, "well, we will just go home and have the baby ourselves!" I went, "uhhh, whoa!!! I don't think so!" We got that straightened out, and had our 3rd baby together UC. LOL And, BTW, that first VBAC baby was 23 days LATE.

Kymberli
post #25 of 26
If he is a reading person I would add to the list to read " Born in the USA: How a Broken Maternity System Must Be Fixed to Put Women and Children First" by Marsden Wagner.

Marsden Wagner also has some articles that are posted on line that are very good. Here is his bio on midwifery today.
post #26 of 26
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: VBAC
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › VBAC › Best evidence for swaying a skeptical father?