can't stand neighbor kid (VENT)

[meandk0610]

dd's 4yo, he's 6yo. i've overheard his parents talking about him maybe having asperger's and, from a comment i heard his mom make to a mom that was getting her kid from their house, he doesn't have many friends. also, they get spanked and, at the minimum, threatened verbally by their father and time-outs from their mother. so...

he's rammed dd on her tricycle last summer. practically run her and his little brother over riding his big wheel things around.

today, dd was drawing with our chalks on the driveway. he and his little brother were playing also. "boy" starts tossing the chalk at dd; it's hitting the driveway because she's drawing. i ask him not to throw them because i don't want them to break. 30 seconds go by - TOSS - BREAK. i say "that's why i asked you not to throw them." he says "but it still works." what!! i say "but now it's harder to keep track of and organize" (but didn't say "it's ours and you should respect other people's wishes with regards to their property"). he leaves because i fussed at him, then comes back 2 minutes later. throws the chalk - BREAK (a second one). i'm angry and he tries to tell me he didn't know what happened. i saw him toss them both times so i know he was intentionally throwing them. i put the chalks away.

5 minutes later dd and the 2 boys were playing with her magnifying glass. "boy" throws it, breaks the handle off, then tries to tell me he doesn't know how it happened. i told him that he should not be throwing these things, that it's OK to tell me what really happened, and that i don't believe he doesn't know what happened. so he tries to get dd to go into his garage to play. : not going to happen.

he went on to hit his 2yo brother upside the head with a noodle, then was hitting at dd so hard with them that his parents finally sent him inside (after telling him not to hit so hard about 10 times).

argh!! i wish we had other AP families in our development (their's one but her oldest is about 2 and mom & i did not hit it off).

thanks for letting me vent!

[Lily's_Mom]

I only have a moment here, but I wanted to pass along a after reading your post. I clicked on it because we are also having issues with a neighbour kid. I will post more later.

I also wish we had more AP families close by.

[zinemama]

Have you talked to the parents? That would be my second step - after talking to the kid didn't work.

[Minarai]

Tell the kid's parents to keep him away from your property.
That'll be the perfect protection for your DD.

[NiteNicole]

Can you not just tell him he can't play with your family's toys because he breaks them? It seems like it's the easiest thing. Your daughter is pretty young to fight this battle alone but not too young to benefit from the example of standing up for yourself, being direct, and telling people what needs to happen.

[meandk0610]

Originally Posted by NiteNicole

Can you not just tell him he can't play with your family's toys because he breaks them? It seems like it's the easiest thing. Your daughter is pretty young to fight this battle alone but not too young to benefit from the example of standing up for yourself, being direct, and telling people what needs to happen.

i'm right there when they're playing and i try to not go out front to play if they're out. i definitely don't want for her to feel like she has to stand up to him alone.

i guess i'm just hoping to avoid the situation so that we don't have to take it up with his parents. at least one parent is always outside with him and they have to tell him to stop doing something about every 5 minutes. it seems to me that they already know he's got issues/not the most careful/not very sociable and maybe don't know how to handle him. i really doubt that they realize their role in creating his behaviour (eg. lying to try to get out of trouble, being aggressive/violent, starting to want to get away from adults watching him).

we had been talking about moving since last summer, but [my husband is a nut and changes his mind every 3 days] we haven't done that yet.

i'll just deal. luckily, we homeschool and they go to public school so the days out front will be ours in about a month. :

[peaceful_mama]

I wouldn't let that kid play at my house. He doesn't listen when you ask him not to do things that will break your stuff.

If it was my kid doing that (and **hopefully** it would not be, as we **try** to supervise) But let's say that for some reason I was not there to see my kid breaking neighbor kid's toys, or hitting, or whatever it may be.....I would WANT the other parent to tell me, so that I know and can deal with it accordingly. (In my house, that would mean my son would come inside and would not be able to try playing with your kid again until two things happened 1) it would have to be OK with you and your child, and 2) I would have to be there to supervise.

I would want my kid to get the message that it is NOT OK to go to somebody else's yard and break their stuff....

[North_Of_60]

I see these neighbor kid threads a lot around here, and I have a genuine question (as my not quite 3.5 year old doesn't have kids in our neighborhood to play with).. why do you host these kids at your house if they act like that? If a neighbor kid was breaking our toys and hitting my kid I'd tell him to go home! If that didn't work, I'd ask the parents to take the kid home. And if that didn't work, we'd pack our stuff up and go inside at the first sight of them.

Rule number #1 of not being a nice person = people don't want to be around you. I wouldn't be mean, but a BIG lesson I want my daughter to learn when it comes to dealing with bullies, and that kid is a bully, is that you don't have to put up with ugly behavior for fear of hurting people's feelings. It's not my daughter's job to protect the feelings of someone who is breaking HER toys, hitting HER, on HER property. There is nothing to feel bad about in asking a person like that to leave. No one deserves to put up with that, and people often take that beating because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. That's the wrong message to be sending, in my opinion.

[xbabymamax]

Yeah, well, my little brother has Aspergers and he was VERY hard to handle... ESPECIALLY at that age. I REALLY REALLY don't think AP has anything to do with it.
Unless you intimately know someone with Aspergers, I would be a little less judgemental. I was in charge of baby sitting him as I am 8 years older than him and it was HARD! Kids with Aspergers don't really get social boundaries. Until you have a "special needs" kid, I guess you wouldn't understand.

It sucks that he threw your chalk, and now its harder to organize.......................................... .................................................. ..................
But if you take a step back and look at the chalk situation, is it really soooo horrible that the "play chalk" is getting broken? Kids break things, especially as delicate as chalk.

I understand that the point is that you want him to listen, and its definately not ok that he is hitting your kids.

I think you should talk to his parents if you have an issue with him. Personally I would be outraged if someone had a problem with me, and instead of confronting me they went to a bunch of people I didn't know and talked about me.... If they don't know there is a problem, how can they interviene?

This is obviously a sensitive subject with me.
I understand your frustration. Believe me.

[yarngoddess]

I have a special needs kiddo, and my dear friend's son is borderline aspergers. I see why you don't like the way they parent, however I really think that kids with Aspergers have a whole set of different parenting skills are needed. I think that you need to try to talk to "boy"s parents and see if they know that he's throwing the chalk and breaking it, or that he's hitting your kid too (i realize they do, but maybe they don't realize how much it upsets you). I think that we need to all try to communicate with other kids and their parents- especially those with special needs.

I totally see where you are coming from, OP. I'm just as protective of my kids as you are, and of their stuff- since we have very little stuff I hope that you are able to work something out with "boy"s parents (ie. them following him over to your yard, DD staying away from his yard unless his parents are right there-you too-) so that everyone can enjoy the outdoors a bit more? You shouldn't have to pack it in just because the neighbor boy came out too......

Maybe it's time also, to research more about aspergers and ways of coping with those children that have it. Might be a way for you to help him and his family? You never know!!!

[meandk0610]

Originally Posted by North_Of_60

I see these neighbor kid threads a lot around here, and I have a genuine question (as my not quite 3.5 year old doesn't have kids in our neighborhood to play with).. why do you host these kids at your house if they act like that? If a neighbor kid was breaking our toys and hitting my kid I'd tell him to go home! If that didn't work, I'd ask the parents to take the kid home. And if that didn't work, we'd pack our stuff up and go inside at the first sight of them.

Rule number #1 of not being a nice person = people don't want to be around you. I wouldn't be mean, but a BIG lesson I want my daughter to learn when it comes to dealing with bullies, and that kid is a bully, is that you don't have to put up with ugly behavior for fear of hurting people's feelings. It's not my daughter's job to protect the feelings of someone who is breaking HER toys, hitting HER, on HER property. There is nothing to feel bad about in asking a person like that to leave. No one deserves to put up with that, and people often take that beating because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings. That's the wrong message to be sending, in my opinion.

just wanted to point out that he actually hit his own brother on the head. dd was doing pretty good blocking by holding 2 noodles in front of her. he was just getting carried away.

Originally Posted by WannaBeAMamaMia

Yeah, well, my little brother has Aspergers and he was VERY hard to handle... ESPECIALLY at that age. I REALLY REALLY don't think AP has anything to do with it.
Unless you intimately know someone with Aspergers, I would be a little less judgemental. I was in charge of baby sitting him as I am 8 years older than him and it was HARD! Kids with Aspergers don't really get social boundaries. Until you have a "special needs" kid, I guess you wouldn't understand.

It sucks that he threw your chalk, and now its harder to organize.......................................... .................................................. ..................
But if you take a step back and look at the chalk situation, is it really soooo horrible that the "play chalk" is getting broken? Kids break things, especially as delicate as chalk.

I understand that the point is that you want him to listen, and its definately not ok that he is hitting your kids.

I think you should talk to his parents if you have an issue with him. Personally I would be outraged if someone had a problem with me, and instead of confronting me they went to a bunch of people I didn't know and talked about me.... If they don't know there is a problem, how can they interviene?

This is obviously a sensitive subject with me.
I understand your frustration. Believe me.

Originally Posted by yarngoddess

I have a special needs kiddo, and my dear friend's son is borderline aspergers. I see why you don't like the way they parent, however I really think that kids with Aspergers have a whole set of different parenting skills are needed. I think that you need to try to talk to "boy"s parents and see if they know that he's throwing the chalk and breaking it, or that he's hitting your kid too (i realize they do, but maybe they don't realize how much it upsets you). I think that we need to all try to communicate with other kids and their parents- especially those with special needs.

I totally see where you are coming from, OP. I'm just as protective of my kids as you are, and of their stuff- since we have very little stuff I hope that you are able to work something out with "boy"s parents (ie. them following him over to your yard, DD staying away from his yard unless his parents are right there-you too-) so that everyone can enjoy the outdoors a bit more? You shouldn't have to pack it in just because the neighbor boy came out too......

Maybe it's time also, to research more about aspergers and ways of coping with those children that have it. Might be a way for you to help him and his family? You never know!!!

thanks for the lecture! however, since i and my brother have been diagnosed with adhd, and i have dyslexia and an additional symbol-processing disorder (as well as fibromyalgia), i think i understand more about a special-nneds child than both of you assumed.

having broken chalk is not really the issue - that was the fast explanaition for a 6yo. the real reason is that it's not yours and you have no right to break just because you feel like it, have an energy build-up that needs to get released, start imaganing some other game, etc. we borrow money from my in-laws every month so we can keep our house right now (hopefully, not too much longer) and we literally can't really afford to replace dd's toys unless i take it out of the grocery budget. however, regardless of what we can afford, he shouldn't be breaking other people's things. he can go break his own.

just wanted to add that the reason i let them still play is that i know, from personal experience, how hard it is to find friends when you're just a tad too different.
i guess i will have to "man up" and tell his parents if something like that happens again. i was trying not to because i'm pretty sure he's going to get hit for it. (also, with my own issues, saying things in a way that's best understood is not my strong suit. )

[North_Of_60]

I think I missed the part about him possibly having aspergers, which kinda makes things different. Not sure what I'd do actually.

[jillmamma]

My DS is on the autism spectrum too, and still sometimes has issues with throwing things. One thing I tried to do was to give him alternatives...like we don't throw chalk and other things because that could hurt someone, but I have this nice bouncy ball, you can throw the balls! He loves the feeling of crashing into things, banging things, etc, so I would find something he COULD do that with that would not hurt others. Like a mini trampoline to jump on, big pile of leaves to rake up and jump into, etc. But of course, this is not YOUR kid, so his parents should be doing those things. If he is out there when you are though, maybe it would help if you explained the rules again (autistic kids are very into rules) and offer alternatives. If he still is misbehaving, maybe you need to go in or go to the back yard to play.

[meandk0610]

Originally Posted by jillmamma

My DS is on the autism spectrum too, and still sometimes has issues with throwing things. One thing I tried to do was to give him alternatives...like we don't throw chalk and other things because that could hurt someone, but I have this nice bouncy ball, you can throw the balls! He loves the feeling of crashing into things, banging things, etc, so I would find something he COULD do that with that would not hurt others. Like a mini trampoline to jump on, big pile of leaves to rake up and jump into, etc. But of course, this is not YOUR kid, so his parents should be doing those things. If he is out there when you are though, maybe it would help if you explained the rules again (autistic kids are very into rules) and offer alternatives. If he still is misbehaving, maybe you need to go in or go to the back yard to play.

all too true.

and the baby in your siggy is too cute.

[mommy2twinsplus]

As a teacher of children on the Autism spectrum which includes Aspergers, these kinds of behaviors are very normal though frustrating. I def would have a talk with the parents first and foremost because maybe they could share some insight of what works and what doesn't work for their child and triggers that could set off some of this behavior. I'd also establish a set of rules that you go over as soon as he comes over and review them with him each time he comes over and tell him what the consequence if he breaks a rule and above all ALWAYS follow through. These are def teaching opportunities for you to teach him, your children, and believe it or not yourself. I would also teach your daughter to use her words to speak up for herself as she will need these words for the rest of her life. Also, you could find out what kind of activities he likes and thrives in and maybe have him teach you about it so he is building some self- confidence. Good luck Mama! I am dealing with 13 year olds not respecting other's property and language up the street and parents who don't supervise their 4-6 year olds in the street. It takes a village to raise a child that is for sure!

[NaturalMindedMomma]

I would not host a child like this at my home. Aspergers or not. As someone who was a volunteer with special needs children for 6 years I understand the disorders, but this child is not YOUR responsibility, your child is.

I would not expect another mom to deal with my special needs child without me present. If your child cannot control themselves, then the parent needs to be around to be able to say, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. It is not the other parents responsibility to know the childs triggers.

Chalk or not, breaking someone elses things is ANNOYING and RUDE. It's principle.

I guess my point is, depending on the severity of the disability, the disabled child's parents need to know their childs limits and be involved accordingly.

OP, I would talk to the parents and tell them that their child is not following the rules at your home and you are concerned for your childs safety and if he wants to play with your DD, they need to accompany him to make sure he is ok to be playing and not being set off.

[One_Girl]

I think you need to use a firmer tone than you would for your child with this kid, especially if his parents are standing by watching and not doing anything. You may also need to bring your child and your possessions into your yard and ban him from the yard if talking to him doesn't work. It sounds like he suffers from inaffective parents, not aspergers. Inaffective parents look for diseases and other people to blame and use as an excuse for their child's behavior and their inability to get through to their child and help them change instead of looking at what they are doing as parents. I don't think you should feel any obligation to host a child that believes they can destroy your things and ignore you unless you pester to much or show signs of true annoyance.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by WannaBeAMamaMia

Yeah, well, my little brother has Aspergers and he was VERY hard to handle... ESPECIALLY at that age. I REALLY REALLY don't think AP has anything to do with it.
Unless you intimately know someone with Aspergers, I would be a little less judgemental. I was in charge of baby sitting him as I am 8 years older than him and it was HARD! Kids with Aspergers don't really get social boundaries. Until you have a "special needs" kid, I guess you wouldn't understand.

It sucks that he threw your chalk, and now its harder to organize.......................................... .................................................. ..................
But if you take a step back and look at the chalk situation, is it really soooo horrible that the "play chalk" is getting broken? Kids break things, especially as delicate as chalk.

I understand that the point is that you want him to listen, and its definately not ok that he is hitting your kids.

I think you should talk to his parents if you have an issue with him. Personally I would be outraged if someone had a problem with me, and instead of confronting me they went to a bunch of people I didn't know and talked about me.... If they don't know there is a problem, how can they interviene?

This is obviously a sensitive subject with me.
I understand your frustration. Believe me.

I agree. My nephew is a special needs child and unless you live with one or are close to a special needs child then it's hard to understand why the parents can't do more. It also doesn't mean the parents aren't AP.

What I don't like about the situation is that the child's parents aren't more involved. I'd talk to them and let them know what is going on at least. But if they know his condition then they should be around more to monitor what he is doing and to make sure he isn't hurting another child or damaging another child's property. That part isn't right regardless of his situation.