My mom is dying

[anne1140]

My mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer 6 years ago. She's been in and out of remission, but now, it's to the point where she's in the hospital more than she's out, and there's nothing more the doctors can do. Her chemo is lowering her CA125 numbers, but her tumor is large, and her cancer has spread, so the doctor says the chemo won't get rid of it. This is her last treatment option. She recently had two tubes surgically inserted, because she can't eat, as the tumor is blocking her small intestine.

Until recently, my dad has been in denial, thinking she's going to get better. I think he's finally starting to realize that it's not going to happen, short of a miracle.

My mom is very angry right now. I know she has every right to be, but she doesn't want to talk about it at all. She won't tell anyone what she wants to do. On days where she's having a lot of pain, she will say she wants hospice, but on other days, she doesn't. My dad asked her yesterday if she wanted to continue chemo, and she said, "Well, that's a heavy question!" and was angry/wouldn't talk about it the rest of the day.

Like I said, I know she has every right to feel whatever way she's feeling, but I'm so afraid that she's going to get to the point where she can't even make those decisions for herself. She's already starting to say things that don't make sense, like thinking my 19-year-old sister was 16. I'm afraid that she's going to die bitter and angry, and that would tear me apart.

She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be deprived of food and water, so that's a start. Even then, I worry about her suffering.

This is just so hard! Who else here has been there? Should we be encouraging her to talk? What can we do to help her? Everything I found online was about helping someone cope with a loved one dying, not actually helping the dying person.

Thanks.

[becoming]

I don't have any advice to give, only hugs and support. This has to be such a scary and hard time for all of you, most of all for her. I will be hoping that the anger fades very soon for her and that she starts opening up about her wishes. It sounds like there is an element of denial there for her, too, at this point.

[notjustmamie]

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I lost my mother from cancer when I was in high school. It is definitely not something I would wish on anyone.

This caught my attention:

I know she has every right to feel whatever way she's feeling, but I'm so afraid that she's going to get to the point where she can't even make those decisions for herself.

Not knowing your mom at all, I wonder if this may be part of the plan. Is it possible, especially since your dad has been in denial about everything, that she is simply feeling so overwhelmed by everything that she is letting it get to the point where someone else will just make these decisions for her? Is there someone she trusts (like a pastor or mentor) who might be able to talk to her?

In any case, I hope that however long you have your mother with you, that the two of you are able to hold on to one another and share your love with each other.

[Porcelain Interior]

We had a friend die within 3 months of a liver cancer diagnosis. She was very angry and insisted anyone coming to see her/be with her only refer to the cancer as a cold, and NEVER mention she was dying.

So no one did. She didn't want to live death for the remainder of her time here on Earth. We respected that.

She was angry and bitter on some days and lashed out, but calm and serene on others.

You just have to support her. Don't make her talk about it. The answers will come as you need them.

I'm very very sorry you're having to go through terminal cancer with someone you love. It's so hard.

[meemee]

i did. my dad. with stomach cancer.

he was mad as hell.

however i was there with him all the time. we talked about many things.

he didnt want to die. he refused to talk about his cancer. he refused to talk about the possibility of dying. however he did pass on his responsibility of treatment to me. his tumour was huge. the oncologist wanted to do chemo. i refused. my father wasnt well enough to deal with the sufferings of chemo.

i was also the hospice caregiver for my inlaws. the key that i learnt is 'patient is god'. maybe a social worker can come and talk to her about power of attorney for who will be responsible for her medical treatment when she is no longer able to say anything. and talk about other options. you might want to check with the hospital to take care of those kind of legal logistics.

my dad finally accepted he was dying. at the very last moment. he was mad though that he was dying so young. and i can understand that. but however that was just one aspect of his experience. i know it meant a lot to him that i put my life on hold for 6 months and came to take care of my mom and him.

for you and the rest of your family check the hospital for support groups. you really need that.

and also check out 'grace and grit' by ken wilbur about his wife dying of cancer and all the layers of emotions both patient and caregivers go thru. that book mirrored a lot of what i went thru. i read it after it was all over.

one thing i have learnt. that the dying process is soooo little about dying itself. it is so much about trying to live. it is so much like taking care of a baby. it really is.

make sure you are getting enough support. really. this is a really tough road. you need all the support you can get. a support group would help you so much - from other people who speak the language. right now i have 3 friends with cancer and i notice just how much support their direct caregivers need. so please make sure you have a place to talk, to share. i know with myself i only talked to people with the same experience. others just did not get it.



however mama i will say this to you. in all my years of relationship with my dad adn my inlaws that time of taking care of them was when we were the closest. it was the most profound experience of my life and touched me deeply.

[springwmyn]

Boy it is really hard to see that fighting spirit not want to let go. I saw it in my mom and in her mom. And the denial in my Dad, I saw that too, and it didn't evolve as you say your Dad's has done. Without soundng presumptuous, I just wanted to recommend the book 'A Year to Live' by Stephen Levine. It could possibly help you guys. It can make a difference any time.

[alicia622]

My mom avoided hospice until the very end- I think they were involved for about three days. She went back and forth a bit, but accepting hospice means you accept that you are about to die. Another book suggestion is Final Gifts. I read that several times over the months leading up to her death.