I can't be who he wants me to be

[ShineliketheSon]

I don;'t even know if this is the place to write this...I don't techinically have PPD. But I'm still struggling with anxiety, PP horomones, major emotions. I just can't be who my DH wants me to be. I never could and it's even more so now. I'm only 3 mo PP why can't he give me a break? I've never been the good housewife, everything cleaned laundered tidy. I do my best, but its just not me. He's always been the gotta get everything done and in it's place before I can relax. We've had arguments about it over the 9 years but it's always been ... Ugh, the baby woke up, I'll have to write more later.
she's asleep again... we've always been able to somehow work through it. But this time it is different. I have 2 kids to take care of 24/7 now. If I spend all my time doing housework and taking care of the kids then there is no time for me. I love taking care of the kids, I hate housework. So I do my best. Dh has always been good about helping out but now he is complaining all the time that he does it all (not true) plus work. He has no idea what it's like to take care of a newborn who needs mommy 24/7 and a 4 year old who is demanding as well. He gets so frustrated with 4yo in an evening, esepically when he can't do what he wants like watch a show or work on a project without being interrupted. AH welcome to my world! I take care of the kids, that is my job...if I get some house work done in the meantime then its bonus, I have to have some time for computer every day, it is my outlet...it is me being me, some time to just be me and not mom or wife. I finally got to feeling good emotionally and this is what happens! I feel like it's just never going to work because for him to be happy I have to be someone I"m not, so I die a little more.

And of course this all comes out after I spend teh day with my best friend who is super mom and her husband does nothing to help her and does his hobby all the time. I was so grateful for my DH today after hearing this as I am always when my friend talks of her Dh, I've always felt sooo blessed that my Dh helps me with house stuff as he always has and now with DD2 he's helped so much with DD1, he even gets her ready for bed and takes her places when he runs errands...but now my Dh thinks I need to be more like her. Why so he can have more time to do what he wants, as if he doesn't get enough of that allready... I can't, I'm not, I won't.

ETA: and he is still getting on me about the whole DTD thing and affection...I just don't have any more to give. I give in sometimes but obviously not enough for him and now NO WAY I want to do any of that!

[Emerging butterfly]

I just happened to see your message on the main board and couldn't help responding to your tears. I am not usually a very good housekeeper either...my husbands mother was a combination of martha stewart and June Cleaver....thus, my more earthy way of being was a serious...um...difference.
We have been married for 15 years, and I am now cleaning well...but...only because I am depressed. My husband see's the difference...the house is spotless, and it is because I have been totally lost since my twin babies were still born. I just clean and clean. It isn't ME. I don't even like this new person that cleans all the time. It's as if I am trying to get control by controlling my house, but really, it's just a sign that all the vibrant parts of me are trapped inside...screaming for my babies.

You have little kids...being a good mom means you do things with them, feed them, and the house will come last! It has to. I know all about hating housework. I know about seeing a pile of laundry that needs folding and opting for buckets instead...you see...if you have buckets for pants, shirts, undies and socks, you just toss em in and don't sweat the wrinkles. I love buckets...you just toss everything in them. Voila, the floor looks clean.

My husband misses the cluttered me. He knows this clean house is a sign that his wife is missing in action. I am getting a puppy to help me find my way back to the lovable cluttered woman who would rather study brain scans and set up a science project for the kids while making an awesome dinner for 7...I am getting a puppy to add something that will take over this cleaning zombie and snap her out of it!

Be yourself. Your husband married you. Not Betty crocker..not his mother...not anyone else but YOU. He may have imagined that his life "should" be cleaner...but while you have small children, that is laughable for most of us mortals if we are at all interesting.

Take care...

[azgirl]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I had something similar happen when I was trying to get better. It was so frustrating and hurtful. It turns out that my husband's needs didn't vanish because I was in turmoil. It also turns out that a lot of men react poorly to lack of intimacy. My husband became very critical of me. I was a lot more than 3 months pp, though. Anyway, if you could attempt to, try to be more intimate he could relax a little about other stuff. I struggled with this: my husband wasn't supportive enough so I didn't feel attracted to him. My husband wasn't connecting to me intimately so he had trouble acting supportive. Ugh. We both needed to work on it, but I only had control over me. Let's just say...my first attempts were paltry and unenthusiastic But it got better. I also focused on all the great things he DID do. My husband sounds a lot like yours, he helps A LOT but also needs a lot from me, if that makes sense.

As far as the housekeeping...I was a pretty bad housekeeper. It turns out that I need things to be tidy and laundry under control in order to feel relaxed. I just wasn't good at accomplishing that. My husband is much less tidy than me. It stresses me out so much that he doesn't pick up and that he makes messes. So, I can sympathize with your husband for that AND I can sympathize with you having trouble keeping up. I read flylady.net. I get all the emails and use a lot (not nearly all) of the concepts. It has been one piece of my recovery. I love her concept that some people are born organized, but some of us are sidetracked It's cheesy, but you could give it a try. I read it years ago, but took it more seriously when I had PPD. You may not realize how your lack of home-keeping is affecting YOU.
My big accomplishments (this is going to sound lame to those of you who are actually good housekeepers) are that I do one complete load of laundry a day and there aren't any dirty dishes in my sink. Turns out that is what I need to feel in control of my home. And my husband thinks that I am a fabulous housekeeper because the lack of dirty dishes and piles of clean or dirty laundry are obvious to him. Good luck!

[ShineMa]

I can completely relate but on the level where I'm the only one who's expectations I can't reach. I love Emerging Butterfly's response and its given me so much to meditate on today. I hope you find your peace...

[ShineliketheSon]

emerging butterfly! Thank you so much for your post. I am so very sorry for your loss, I've read your posts in the loss forum and my heart breaks for you mamas. I am utterly amazed that through your grief you took the time to write and care about me. I don't know if I could be so strong.

My DH apologized this morning, though I know it was just to smooth things over so we can have a good weekend. It'll come back up again and again I'm sure. Last night though I really thought this was it, we were through..I'm sure it was my PP emotions. I did tell him your situation and that your DH wants his cluttered wife back. I think he understood that. His mom too was/is a doer...always cleaning, folding, doing...she doesn't sit down for a min which is why my children prefer my mom to come to actually play with them cause his mom only does so in between tasks. I am not his mother and never will be...I am not my best friend and never will be...I hope he can see that and appreciate all I do for our children, and the somewhat clean house we have.

Thank you again and extra s to you! Hoping the puppy helps bring the new cluttered woman back for you.

[K-Mom3]

Switch off free time

I've been going through a similar thought process. I hate doing housework and I hate having a huge TO DO list and never accomplishing anything on it because of the kids and I hate it that I have to work so hard to get personal time. Lately I have to sacrifice something big--like sleep, for example--to get any free time. Here are a couple of my thoughts.

I'm going to try to convince dh to trade off free time with me. I will watch the kids while he works and when he's home, if I watch the kids for his hobbies, he has to watch the kids the same amount of time for me. And if I'm expected to get housework done while watching 3 kids, so is he. We'll see how that goes.

I've also been thinking about counseling. The truth is that dh and I are still really committed to each other and I'm sure we'll get through this tough time eventually. But we're both very stressed and our needs aren't being met and we're not working as a team and we're not getting very far with this on our own. Like you said, it will come back again and again. I found out the university near me has a center where each counseling session costs only $15. I wonder if you would consider anything like that?

[ShineliketheSon]

Thanks everyone...it's really not about the housework really at least not to me. This is how I feel about itMy blog. Interesting I didn't really know this till I wrote it.

Our house is basically clean, my DH is a detail oriented engineer and the product of a mom who is contantly doing. He really needs to get over the fact that I am doing my best and this is who I am. He said this morning it is his problem and I do think it is...he can't expect me to have everything done every day. I am seeing a therapist, and will talk to her about it, but I don'r think we both need therapy at this point, DH would go if I needed it though. Our relationship isn't verging on ending, I just panicked, hence my anxiety. I just really freak out at this point, anxiety and PP emotions. Things have gone much better today and if it comes back up agian, then I will consider therpy for both of us if needed...thankfully DH's company has it for free and confidential. THanks again for all the posts and concerns I soo appreciate it, makes me feel like there are people out there who care.

[Manessa]

I could have written your post 8 years ago when my ds was a newborn and dd was 3. I tried so hard to do everything, and wound up falling apart. I sat my dh down, and told him very frankly that he could either have a spotless house, or a sane wife. He could not have both. I think he finally *got* it then. It's been 8 years and we still have this issue come up sometimes, but it's not nearly the same. He lowered his standards and I do the best that I can. Now that the kids are older it is sooo much easier. Hang in there

[Emerging butterfly]

:

I just wanted to thank you...

As for caring...that is what moms are made to do. In a way, that is the easiest part, and it doesn't stop with your own children...it flows through the world. That is why it is such a terrible crime to under value the energy that goes into "just caring" or "just mothering"...We don't get paid for it, so it's not as valued as flipping burgers by our society. lame.

We all have our panic moments. I sure do anyway...Just ask my husband! Luckily, he is actually really understanding--after 15 years, he knows me better than I do sometimes.

I am glad my post was helpful...truly.
((HUG))

[Autumn Breeze]

[ShineliketheSon]

Thank you everyone! I had a really good weekend...I'm thinking DH is finally understanding, we'll see if it sticks. I'm learning so much about myself. I've realized I haven't been my normal content self since DD1 was 2. We started TTC then, mt bf moved away and I left my moms group. Then finally got preggos and was really sick...yesterday I felt normal me. I hope she sticks around for a while!

[Autumn Breeze]

I love Normal Me. It's hard to live like that. I hope she sticks around too