"Checking out" homes your kids visit

[Latte]

My daughter will be starting kindergarten in the Fall, and we're also moving to a new state then. Now that she is no longer a baby/toddler and doesn't NEED mama to go along to "playdates" with her, and also since we won't know anyone and will be starting over in a new community, I am curious to hear how much people "check out" someone's home before letting their kid visit alone, say, for a "playdate" after school.

Some of my thoughts are, that, even though a kid or a kids' mom/dad might seem like a perfectly nice person around the schoolyard, that doesn't really give much indication what their home might be like. My concerns run the gamut, from a creepy dad/uncle/older brother, a gun that's not safely stored, parents that provide absolutely no supervision, to whether the family does nothing but watch TV and eat candy all day, or the parents scream and yell at eachother. How do you figure this stuff out? Ask? Invite oneself over the first time, or first few times? Just spend a few months chatting in the schoolyard or various other venues until you feel you know at least one of the parents fairly well? Have people over to your house instead?

In the past, this has been a more natural process, as we got to know neighbors over time and/or the kids had been friends since the time when they were little and "playdates" meant that I came along too. But, now that my daughter's older, it seems like it might be a little odd/rude to invite myself along (or is this normal still for this age?). On the other hand, at 5/almost 6 she's definitely not old enough to make all these judgments on her own. I hope this doesn't seem like a silly question, but I'm really very curious how other mamas generally handle this.

[sapphire_chan]

Until I was old enough to be able to call home for a pick-up I didn't visit any place alone until one of my parents had been there with me a few times.

Anyone who is offended by you coming over with your dd the first few times, isn't someone you need your dd being alone with. Really, ideally they'd be inviting you over with her.

[cedoreilly]

With my DD, I tended to stick around for a little while on the first playdate (other than one where I already knew the mom pretty well from playgroup a couple years before) for a little while to make sure she was comfy and there were no big red flags. Most of the moms, though, I did know from multiple run in at school and other places. My DS has wanted to do playdates but I have been a little more holding back since I do not know the parents as well. I did let him go to one kid's party without me there but it was a HUGE family party and I did hang around for a half hour or so talking with the parents before leaving.

[Dukey25]

I try to stick to the park for a few play dates until everyone is comfortable with each other. Any other neutral location would work as well.

[Jessy1019]

You could probably still get away with tagging along the first time without seeming ridiculously overprotective.

Personally, my daughter goes to a really awesome school that's based around a lot of our core values and attracts people who are largely "like us." I didn't worry about her going on playdates without me at all last year, even though I'd only spoken to the other parents at school. None of the other parents seemed to mind sending their kids to my house, either, although lots of them got the chance to see it early in the year for Rylie's birthday party. We still had playdates with the a couple of the ones who didn't make it then, though.

[mysticmomma]

I always invite the parent child to my house first, and then go to their house.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

I think you're lucky that your DD is still only 5/6...that's still young enough that you don't have to worry at ALL (IMO) about seeming creepy for tagging along the first time. I mean, that's a little, little girl. I would absolutely not, under any circumstances, feel comfortable with not knowing what the house was like, the other people in the house, etc before sending my DD their alone.

If you feel the need to...you can even throw in something like "Hey I'll tag along too this time!" and I really can't see a mom being like "ummm, WHY?" - you know?

[Latte]

OK, good to know I'm not crazy for wanting to tag along, at least at first. Thanks for the support on that!

[aihcalappa]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Anyone who is offended by you coming over with your dd the first few times, isn't someone you need your dd being alone with. Really, ideally they'd be inviting you over with her.

:

[Tigerchild]

I'm a fan of being upfront. Ask about firearms. Unless you're going through all their drawers and closets, you'll probably never know there's a pistol in the house unless you ask. If there are foods that you don't want your child to have, say so. If you don't allow certain TV shows (or TV at all) then say so.

But what the family does in their off time (outside of playdates) like watching TV or eating candy, is kind of none of your business. Unless it's really important to you that everyone is in to the same sort of entertainment and hobbies you are at all times, which seems a little overkill to me personally. Many parents I know love their TV, and their kids do too...but they turn it off for playdates. Our family doesn't really watch TV much (we don't have cable or anything like that, and digital reception is spotty, so now we REALLY don't watch hardly any TV!), but my children do enjoy their Wii. However, I always ask if it's okay if the kids play, and give a run down of the games the kids are allowed to play, parent has first choice to nix stuff, and I explain my time limits.

But really, you just need to be polite and proactive. It never would have occured to me to police the music to ensure that it lined up with other family's expectations, but luckily a child that we had over told me she wasn't allowed to listen to anything by Miley Cyrus (there was one song on a mix CD that my DD has), so no problem, we turned it off.

So I don't think you are being overprotective per se in the sense that you want to be more familiar with the parents--but on the other hand I kind of hope you're willing to give people different from you a chance too.

[Hoopin' Mama]

I asked a few Mom's I know who have older children because I was curious. They said that dropping off kids for parties and playdates doesn't happen until around age 7. So I don't think it's odd for kindergarten.

[patrica]

I do drop DD. If I've met the parents before, but my child has never been at their house, I ask if I can stay for a little while. Once I get the sense that all is ok, I'll check with my daughter and then leave for a bit. When the playdate is at our house, I always invite the other parent to stay.

[lab]

Originally Posted by Latte

My daughter will be starting kindergarten in the Fall, and we're also moving to a new state then. Now that she is no longer a baby/toddler and doesn't NEED mama to go along to "playdates" with her, and also since we won't know anyone and will be starting over in a new community, I am curious to hear how much people "check out" someone's home before letting their kid visit alone, say, for a "playdate" after school.

Some of my thoughts are, that, even though a kid or a kids' mom/dad might seem like a perfectly nice person around the schoolyard, that doesn't really give much indication what their home might be like. My concerns run the gamut, from a creepy dad/uncle/older brother, a gun that's not safely stored, parents that provide absolutely no supervision, to whether the family does nothing but watch TV and eat candy all day, or the parents scream and yell at eachother. How do you figure this stuff out? Ask? Invite oneself over the first time, or first few times? Just spend a few months chatting in the schoolyard or various other venues until you feel you know at least one of the parents fairly well? Have people over to your house instead?

In the past, this has been a more natural process, as we got to know neighbors over time and/or the kids had been friends since the time when they were little and "playdates" meant that I came along too. But, now that my daughter's older, it seems like it might be a little odd/rude to invite myself along (or is this normal still for this age?). On the other hand, at 5/almost 6 she's definitely not old enough to make all these judgments on her own. I hope this doesn't seem like a silly question, but I'm really very curious how other mamas generally handle this.

My kids don't go to anyone's home unless I have met the parents and seen the home. Period.

My kids are 12, 14 and 15

I just tell the parent (usually over the phone) that my policy is they can't visit until I know the parents. At this point the parents will invite to come in when I drop off. Honestly, sometimes we avoid accepting invites until we know the person longer. Sometimes it is awkward and embarrassing, but you really have to stick to your guns.

[One_Girl]

My dd is six and she doesn't do playdates in other people's homes. I think that is just to risky for a young child. I was considering letting her do playdates with two parents who are teachers, but we met in the park a few times and I haven't liked how they talk to their own child. I also have a friend who I would never let my dd have playdates with alone because she is unstable. I have found that most people are perfectly happy to let their kids come over to our house to play, it is a little draining when there is someone over every day but I am happy she has so many friends. I let the kids play on their own and don't interfere unless there is violence, I hear someone scaling the fragile furniture, or one of the kids asks for advice or just wants to tell me something.

When I was growing up my mother did the same thing and I really think that it was great to grow up safe and have so many friends. Our house was a great place to hang out, have sleep overs, and feed hungry kids. I never felt like I was missing out on anything, I didn't feel that it limited my social life, or like my mother was hovering and I plan to keep doing the same thing for my dd.

[Latte]

Totally agree, Tigerchild--I definitely don't rule out people just because they have a TV or eat candy or do others things we don't usually do at home, but I do like to know if that's what dd's likely to be doing at someone's house, since those aren't things I want her to be doing all the time (once in a while, fine). Come to think of it, though, it's usually pretty easy to get a handle on those type of things, since dd will tell me what she did over at her friend's house. . . .

The more important issue for me, and harder to get a handle on, is the degree of supervision. In our neighborhood now, one neighbor's three-year-old crawled out her bedroom window onto the roof without anyone noticing, another neighbor's three-year-old was literally crawling in the street (we live in the city) while mom was nowhere to be found, and another four-year-old who was often left out to "scooter" alone very narrowly missed being hit by a car. These are all children dd plays with and occasionally goes over to their houses (although hardly ever now, as these incidents have happened and I have come to realize the lack of supervision factor). I figure if these parents are not even supervising their own kids, they probably aren't going to supervise mine, either! And I don't mean watch them like a hawk every minute, but also don't just let them disappear to another floor of the house or outside into the neighborhood for an hour without even seeing what they're up to. Two of the parents have also just let dd leave the house during a "playdate," to move on to another house in the neighborhood, without even letting me know. Everything turned out fine, but that kind of thing is not ok with me--I would have thought it was obvious that if I am leaving dd in the neighbor mom's care, that she shouldn't just let dd go off somewhere else without letting me know, but I guess it was not obvious.

So, what I am realizing is that I need to be more proactive about stating my expectations and not make assumptions, and that's ok.

Also curious, do other people require your kids to follow your family's rules (such as not watching TV or playing video games or eating candy) when they are at a friend's house? I have not tried to set that limit, but I just explain that the friends may follow different rules at their house than we do (and if it is a place where they are doing those things all the time, we just don't tend to go there that often).

[KweenKrunch]

I call ahead and discuss any concerns I have with the other mother. We unschool, so most of our friends come from the unschooling community, and thus we have similar values and there is usually not a problem.

Still, I do want to make sure that the family doesn't have a large dog, a pool, guns, pornography, or "roommates" in the home. I also, personally, do not let my children go over to someone's home if the mother isn't going to be at the home the entire time.

There is never, ever, ever anything wrong with doing what you have to do to keep your children safe. If someone has a problem with that, you don't want that person around your kids, imo.

[AllisonR]

My son is nearly 5 and he would prefer that I come too, at least for a while, often for the whole time. Last week a friend of his from Kindergarten rang the door, with his dad, and asked if my DS would like to play with him. I said OK and came along too - I wanted to know exactly where they lived, not just a general idea, and just have a quick glimpse of the place, who was there.... We walked over and I then stayed for about 15 minutes. The kids dad was giving hints that I could go and they would walk him back home, but I waited until DS was comfortable and asked him if it was OK I left. I asked them to bring him back in 45 minutes, and it was an hour and a half when they finally did (I was heading back out to go get him) but DS had a good time, which was the important thing. At this age, he isn't ready to go by himself. I am sure that will change soon enough.

[KweenKrunch]

Originally Posted by Latte

Also curious, do other people require your kids to follow your family's rules (such as not watching TV or playing video games or eating candy) when they are at a friend's house? I have not tried to set that limit, but I just explain that the friends may follow different rules at their house than we do (and if it is a place where they are doing those things all the time, we just don't tend to go there that often).

I think that when a child is at someone else's house, they need to abide by THAT family's rules. If the rules are so disparate from your own that they make you uncomfortable, you should not be letting your child go over to that home.

For example, we are vegans. There are no animal products in our home, period. I ask playmate's parents not to send their child with cheese, non-human milk, leather goods, etc. because it's not something we allow in the house. I expect the kids to follow our rules while they are here.

I have a good friend who is a lacto-ovo vegetarian. I realize that if I allow my children to go to her home, they could be exposed to dairy and/or eggs. That's the risk I take. It's her home and her rules. I've instructed my children about why we don't eat animal products, but ultimately I cannot dictate what another mother serves in her own home.

[stik]

Kween Krunch, what do you do if a child arrives for a playdate at your house wearing leather shoes?

[bronxmom]

QUOTING "My dd is six and she doesn't do playdates in other people's homes. I think that is just to risky for a young child. I was considering letting her do playdates with two parents who are teachers, but we met in the park a few times and I haven't liked how they talk to their own child. I also have a friend who I would never let my dd have playdates with alone because she is unstable. I have found that most people are perfectly happy to let their kids come over to our house to play, it is a little draining when there is someone over every day but I am happy she has so many friends. I let the kids play on their own and don't interfere unless there is violence, I hear someone scaling the fragile furniture, or one of the kids asks for advice or just wants to tell me something.

When I was growing up my mother did the same thing and I really think that it was great to grow up safe and have so many friends. Our house was a great place to hang out, have sleep overs, and feed hungry kids. I never felt like I was missing out on anything, I didn't feel that it limited my social life, or like my mother was hovering and I plan to keep doing the same thing for my dd."

But why is it safe for kids to come to your house but not for yours to go to others? It seems like you are unilaterally deciding that yours is the best place for the kids to be. What if all your kids friends decided the same policy? Then they wouldn't be able to play together. I understand being discerning, but I don't really understand the blanket policy. I do think I'd be offended if my daughter had a friend whose mom always wanted my daughter to go there, but didn't let her come to my place. And I think it'd be upsetting to my daughter who would want to share her home with her friend.