"Checking out" homes your kids visit - Page 2

[Latte]

KweenKrunch said: If the rules are so disparate from your own that they make you uncomfortable, you should not be letting your child go over to that home.

Our "friends" mostly do not have rules or other practices that are so disparate from our own, and so there is no problem. However, certain of our immediate "neighbors" do have some pretty disparate rules and parenting practices. We have lots of kids in our neighborhood, and I think it's great for dd to live in a place where kids actually informally play together outside, and I like for her to be a part of that, and she really enjoys it. When they play outside, dh or I are almost always out there anyway so it's not an issue. It's when, as kids do, they all suddenly decide to go over to one or the other's house (and of course dd wants to go along), that my dilemma sometimes arises because I'm not really comfortable with all of the neighbors. Depending who it is, I just tell dd that she can play outside, but if everyone's going to X's house, then it's time for her to come home to our house. Of course, this does not go over at all well, but it does keep her safe. Or sometimes, I just tag along over to the neighbor's, even if it is a bit awkward.

[Tigerchild]

I expect my children to behave respectfully and politely towards their host mom, and to follow the rules of the household "even if" they are different than ours. If they choose to be rude or ignore the rules, then I explain that means that probably they won't be invited back.

When a child is a guest in OUR home I try to make things comfortable for them, I always follow any dietary guidelines their parent has made (and always disclose that we have nut products and a cat in our home). I try to encourage my kids on how to be good hosts, seeing to their guest's comfort and happiness. I guess that's not totally "fair" but my kids don't seem to mind. They really enjoy being hosts. Now that they are older, it's kind of fun listening to them think ahead about what their friend might like (as opposed to only thinking in terms of what they themselves want).

There's only one child that I've had to send home. Once. We've had him back several times since without a problem. I've never heard a complaint or a problem with one of my kids elsewhere but I'm sure it will happen at least once.

[KweenKrunch]

Originally Posted by stik

Kween Krunch, what do you do if a child arrives for a playdate at your house wearing leather shoes?

I politely ask the child to leave them on the porch. I have several pair of Crocs for them to borrow, too. It's rarely been a problem, though, because I tell the mothers up-front.

[One_Girl]

Originally Posted by bronxmom

But why is it safe for kids to come to your house but not for yours to go to others? It seems like you are unilaterally deciding that yours is the best place for the kids to be. What if all your kids friends decided the same policy? Then they wouldn't be able to play together. I understand being discerning, but I don't really understand the blanket policy. I do think I'd be offended if my daughter had a friend whose mom always wanted my daughter to go there, but didn't let her come to my place. And I think it'd be upsetting to my daughter who would want to share her home with her friend.

I am deciding that our house is safe because I know that our house is safe. I know that I won't yell at the kids, call them names, let them run around the neighborhood to anyone else's house unsupervised, or abuse them in any way. I also know that two of her three friends who come to our house the most have parents who call their children names, yell, and let them run around the neighborhood unsupervised because I have witnessed this happening and I have heard the parents brag about not knowing where their kids are half of the time. A blanket policy is in place because that is what I feel will best protect my child, it is a policy that fits in with the values that I was raised with and that I believe were very correct.

All of my dd's friends haven't done the what if scenario and I don't get hung up on what ifs in general because they tend to be pointless worrying, but if all of her friends did have this rule then we would all also respectfully find ways to have playdates where both moms/dads can supervise and keep their child safe. If someone is offended then they don't have to let their kid come over or they can come over with their kid and stay and read or talk while the kids play. I have laid it out really clearly for my dd's friends and none of them have had a problem with this nor have her friends. My dd's friends really don't seem to care about sharing their home with anyone else besides their parents and have never asked to have a playdate at their homes.

[savithny]

Originally Posted by KweenKrunch

I politely ask the child to leave them on the porch. I have several pair of Crocs for them to borrow, too. It's rarely been a problem, though, because I tell the mothers up-front.

What about wool? Do socks and sweaters come off too?

[KweenKrunch]

Originally Posted by savithny

What about wool? Do socks and sweaters come off too?

I don't like the idea of stealing fur from animals, but since a sheep doesn't have to die for people to get wool, I guess I would just let it go. We live in an area that rarely hits below 60 degrees, so there isn't a lot of wool wearing around here anyway.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by KweenKrunch

I don't like the idea of stealing fur from animals, but since a sheep doesn't have to die for people to get wool, I guess I would just let it go. We live in an area that rarely hits below 60 degrees, so there isn't a lot of wool wearing around here anyway.

and if it stays that warm, the sheep would be glad to have the wool off their backs too.

[CatsCradle]

Kween Krunch, what do you do if a child arrives for a playdate at your house wearing leather shoes?

Not answering for Kween Krunch here...but any type of shoe worn to our apartment door is left in the foyer. No-shoe policy here. We have clean extra slippers and socks if people/kids them.

We also require DD to ask if she needs to remove her shoes when entering others' homes.

Sorry, editing here because I didn't answer the OP. First, we don't have many friends or neighbors whose views and lifestyles are so different than our own. Neighbors, perhaps, would pose the biggest challenge. Our biggest concerns would be guns, exposed pornographic material, endless hours of television, too many sweets. The television and sweets aren't so important, but honestly, most of our neighbors who are in contact with DD are fairly "crunchy" in the broadest sense. I find that most people have respected our boundaries when we are up front about what they are. People who are less inclined to respect our boundaries are family, in my opinion. My parents and in-laws think they know what's best for DD, and frankly, I'd rather send her to a neighbors or a playdate (with people who I know share the same values) than my family.

[SandraS]

No, never. I think I would be offended if another mom came to "Check out" my home for the safety and well-being of her child. Just me though. I think I've only been in one or two of my kid's friends homes. Don't need to.

[Latte]

Originally Posted by CatsCradle

People who are less inclined to respect our boundaries are family, in my opinion. My parents and in-laws think they know what's best for DD, and frankly, I'd rather send her to a neighbors or a playdate (with people who I know share the same values) than my family.

So true, Cats Cradle. In my case, my father has (unsecured) guns in his house, to boot--never mind that even the NRA advises against that.

[BellaClaudia]

I would defenetely do checking first.
Totally.

[ChinaDoll]

Originally Posted by SandraS

No, never. I think I would be offended if another mom came to "Check out" my home for the safety and well-being of her child. Just me though. I think I've only been in one or two of my kid's friends homes. Don't need to.

You know, I used to think I knew my friends and could get by without checking.

Then one day on a playdate - one I was present for - my son came upstairs out of the friends' basement (where the playroom was) excitedly telling me about the GUNS they'd been playing with. The 10 year old thought it would be cool to get a LOADED gun out of the always-unlocked gun cabinet and let my 5 year old play with it! When I asked (in amazement) if the 10 year old was allowed into the gun cabinet, he mother said, "oh yes, it's always unlocked. We've taught our kids how to treat guns with respect and they know ... the rules ..." and then her voice trailed off and her face turned white with shock as she realized that just because her kids KNOW the rules of gun safety doesn't mean they always FOLLOW the rules (and really, it would only take once to be a horrible disaster).

She learned not to trust that having gun safety training is enough.

I learned to always, ALWAYS ask, and to check out a home, and to NEVER assume.

My son learned to ALWAYS ask permission first. But since he's 5 and will forget, I will be sure to check out a home FIRST and not allow him into situations where he might be tempted or not watched closely enough. And yes, I'll be keeping him within MY eyesight on playdates in the foreseeable future.

And I know that it may offend some mothers, but my son's life is worth it.

[2cutiekitties]

^^^ Guns are the thing that freak me out the most. There are cops who have been know to come home, put their loaded gun on the dresser and then go watch tv : If a COP can't stick in a safe then lord only knows what goes on at peoples houses.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by ChinaDoll

When I asked (in amazement) if the 10 year old was allowed into the gun cabinet, he mother said, "oh yes, it's always unlocked. We've taught our kids how to treat guns with respect and they know ... the rules ..."

I was raised this way as well as were all of my friends. I don't know a single house growing up that didn't have multiple guns in it. When I read media stories of disasters with guns, they're always "and the parents kept the gun locked away and the ammo separate, but the boy figured it out." I'd shot a rifle by the time I was 4, as had pretty much everyone else I knew. We grew or killed pretty much everything we ate, so we *knew* what guns could do. That mom may have been thinking, "oh, crap, her kid doesn't know rules about gun safety," not that her kid didn't follow the rules.

That said, we don't have guns in our house. I believe a couple of our friends do because they hunt, but none of them have children the same ages as ours, so our children have no need to go over alone. I would be far, far more worried, however, about parents who kept a handgun in their nightstand because in my experience, the culture around "handguns for safety" usually isn't as good as the safety around "rifles for hunting." Just a personal observation; I'm sure others have seen differently.

As for my kiddos, they're a bit younger, but I don't have them go to anyone's house without us. So far it hasn't been an issue. Most parents assume the other parents will come over. DS goes to a small number of friends' homes without us, but we know the families very well. I don't think that I would allow DC to go to a house of people I'd met only at school a couple of times. We get to know families pretty well through our political activities and the kids' activities.