Waiting To Adopt NON DDC ~ August 2009 - Page 3

[DTmama1]

Oh my gosh that is nuts! It is ridiculous slow things with foster care work sometimes....

[crl]

Originally Posted by lamamax3

I sent an email to the social worker with some specific questions, and I'm waiting to hear back from her. She is really a nice person, and I get the impression she keeps mentioning that this is the first time this happened in her experience because she was caught off guard. I don't think she should remind me so often, though. She is the only person in the entire department besides a social worker who coordinates older child adoptions in conjunction with the Dave Thomas Foundation. From our first meeting, we realized that this agency is out to help pregnant women...adoptive parents are there to wait and take a baby home when the time comes. We had to sign a contract saying that we wouldn't work with anyone else while going through them because it would be awful for an emom to choose us, only to find out that we were also matched with a different one. Seeing how badly things are going, I cannot even imagine being in the position of two women liking us that much Our sw has only had to comfort pap's who were matched and then the emom decided to parent. If that was what had happened to us, I would feel sad for myself, but not rejected. I don't know that she was prepared to talk us through this situation, and I'm still waiting for something besides "this was good practice for meeting an expectant mom" and "it's like dating". I was never a dater; I went on two before meeting dh in college

Yeah, the dating analogy wouldn't help me out either. I would be unhappy with the agency's policy that you can't work with anyone else. Can you do your own outreach?

Catherine

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by lamamax3

From our first meeting, we realized that this agency is out to help pregnant women...adoptive parents are there to wait and take a baby home when the time comes.

Then you are likely with a good agency. You can feel better that your baby's birthmom will have the support she needed to make the right choice. How would you, and your baby, feel if you eventually found out that the birthmom was pushed into signing TPR? That she really wanted to keep the baby but didn't sign up with an agency that was there for her and the baby first.

When people ask what to look for in an agency, I always tell them to find an "agency (that) is out to help pregnant women."

You are feeling impatient, and we've all been there, but you are lucky. It sounds like you are with a good agency. Feel very blessed about that. You could be with a puppy mill that cares nothing about the emom and the baby (or you.) All they want is their fees for placing as many babies as they can.

It sucks to be the adoptive family in this stage of the game. Usually you've been through a lot to get here. Then to feel like your needs are the least important (and, frankly, they are.) It sucks, but it's life. And then you will have your baby and TPR will be signed. You will be the winners and the birthmom will have a huge hole in her heart. No matter how right she feels her choice was, she will feel the loss for the rest of her life. Then it sucks to be her and you are the ones that will be the winners.

[lamamax3]

Originally Posted by mybabysmama

Then you are likely with a good agency. You can feel better that your baby's birthmom will have the support she needed to make the right choice. How would you, and your baby, feel if you eventually found out that the birthmom was pushed into signing TPR? That she really wanted to keep the baby but didn't sign up with an agency that was there for her and the baby first.

When people ask what to look for in an agency, I always tell them to find an "agency (that) is out to help pregnant women."

You are feeling impatient, and we've all been there, but you are lucky. It sounds like you are with a good agency. Feel very blessed about that. You could be with a puppy mill that cares nothing about the emom and the baby (or you.) All they want is their fees for placing as many babies as they can.

It sucks to be the adoptive family in this stage of the game. Usually you've been through a lot to get here. Then to feel like your needs are the least important (and, frankly, they are.) It sucks, but it's life. And then you will have your baby and TPR will be signed. You will be the winners and the birthmom will have a huge hole in her heart. No matter how right she feels her choice was, she will feel the loss for the rest of her life. Then it sucks to be her and you are the ones that will be the winners.

You're totally right about this. That is why we went with this agency...we liked that they are a non-profit and that they are in business to help women. My only problem with it is that in their quest to be the best for women in need, they seem to have forgotten that we have feelings too.

Whenever it happens for us, I will know that the emom had as much help as she could possibly have in making the best decision she could. The agency is great about helping these women get the services they would need to parent the baby, if that's what they really want .

[tiffani]

azeda, that's crazy -- hope it all gets resolved sooner than that!! will you continue the monthly (or whenever) visits with the bparents after TPR, as long as they're going well for dd?

DTmama, have you voiced your concerns about fmom to anyone? is there anyone you can get on your side to speed things along? it's pretty crazy that you guys are ready to take these kids forever, and the system isn't supporting that very well... fingers crossed for you!!! and for everyone else who is waiting as well... :

[DTmama1]

Originally Posted by tiffani

DTmama, have you voiced your concerns about fmom to anyone? is there anyone you can get on your side to speed things along? it's pretty crazy that you guys are ready to take these kids forever, and the system isn't supporting that very well... fingers crossed for you!!! and for everyone else who is waiting as well... :

Oh it's even worse now. Foster mom said the only day we can visit is Thursday when she knew we could not do it due to previous appointments for our foster daughter. All weekend she will not let us visit. We get to see them Monday and Tuesday of next week. Sounds like they will not be moving before school starts since court is the 17th and school starts the next day. Caseworker hasn't talked to CASA still (not returning anyone's calls) so is not writing court to ask for move before that.

I talked to the kids therapist about the fmom some over a week ago and she is in support of us but not willing to go out on a limb since caseworker apparently tends to fly off the handle if you dont do things how she wants you to.

[mamarhu]

The Roller Coaster Ride Continues...

Well, I don't know where to start. The 2 foster kids in my home are doing pretty good - bickering like crazy, but it seems to be improving. There have been no more incidents, aggressive or sexual, and if I weren't so hot and cranky, all would be swell.

But the sisters (5 YO twins, sibs of my 2, whom I hoped to adopt) are having very serious problems. One in particular, E, is showing huge psychiatric problems. She is scheduled for a psych eval in a couple days. In 2 weeks, we have a meeting coming up to determine whether to separate them. Want to give B a chance to have a fairly normal life - there is almost no chance they could be adopted together. I had just about decided to bow out, as I saw E's needs increasing. Over what I could handle with 5 other kids at home, mostly high needs. So now I am looking at offering to adopt only B on the condition that their current foster mom adopts E. That foster mother and I have become very close friends, and would happily commit to continuing the extended family relationship we have had for the last 2 years. It's funny - she is the age of my ElderSon, conservative Christian (I'm a non-practicing Jew, as liberal/radical as they come in many ways). Yet we have a relationship like family - you know, the relative you adore in spite of their politics.

I will be interested to see what the team opinion on this will be. I have wanted all 5 kids from the start (there is also an 11YO boy who has been returned to Mom; will see how that goes), but it has become clear that the twins are escalating, and I had just about talked myself out of adopting both of them.

So it was looking for a while there like I would adopt these 4 kids, then I thought I would have the 3 girls (my LittleGirl plus the twins), then LittleGuy was placed in an emergency, then everyone thought I couldn't handle all 4, so I was back down to 2. Last week I was grieving - I thought their lives were really going down hill, and there wasn't much I could do to help. Now it looks like we might have a workable solution in mind - at least I have hope again. Funny part is that I didn't really know LittleGuy till he moved in - I was certainly not attached to him like I am the girls and the older boy, but now I am totally smitten! And with the twins, I was more drawn to E (the twin with the major problems) - so I guess that means that B will be the one coming to my home!

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by DTmama1

Oh it's even worse now. Foster mom said the only day we can visit is Thursday when she knew we could not do it due to previous appointments for our foster daughter. All weekend she will not let us visit. We get to see them Monday and Tuesday of next week. Sounds like they will not be moving before school starts since court is the 17th and school starts the next day. Caseworker hasn't talked to CASA still (not returning anyone's calls) so is not writing court to ask for move before that.

I talked to the kids therapist about the fmom some over a week ago and she is in support of us but not willing to go out on a limb since caseworker apparently tends to fly off the handle if you dont do things how she wants you to.

Sounds like you need to speak up in court and ask the judge to order you set the schedule for visits.

[DTmama1]

That is what I am planning on doing. I am going to ask that they move them the day we have court hopefully. Doubt it will be granted, but kids want to move and have told me that, rooms are ready to go. There really is no reason not to.

[Polliwog]

That's horrible. I can't believe that they are letting this FM call the shots. It would be one thing if it seemed like she was acting in the kids best interest but it doesn't sound that way. I wish they could at least start the school year in their new schools.

[tiffani]

Originally Posted by Polliwog

That's horrible. I can't believe that they are letting this FM call the shots. It would be one thing if it seemed like she was acting in the kids best interest but it doesn't sound that way. I wish they could at least start the school year in their new schools.

ditto!!

mamarhu, I hope that the best possible solution comes out of all of this really tough situation!! I'll be thinking of all of you!

[rebyell]

New to the club!

Another one to join, I can share a color!!

We started our homestudy for an Ethiopian adoption last June 08, was our homestudy was done in November 08. We waited in the program for a couple months when we started to notice some things that weren't ok with us, things they told us that weren't true, etc.

At the same time our friends adopted AA twins domestically and we learned some things we didn't know about domestic adoption. SOO, we left our international agency(lost some money), updated our homestudy, saved soe more money, and have been waiting a couple months for a domestic private adoption of any race baby.

Right now, there is a expectant mom about to look at our profile!! She is due this month with a bi-racial baby girl. So we are playing the waiting game.

I am still nursing my bio toddler, or is she a preschooler?? She will be 3 in December. So, I have a Lact-aid ready and hope to nurse our new addition.

Thanks for starting this and letting me join in on the chatter.

[SundayCrepes]

Originally Posted by rebyell

I am still nursing my bio toddler, or is she a preschooler?? She will be 3 in December. So, I have a Lact-aid ready and hope to nurse our new addition.

Welcome.

Our son turned 3 last December. Our baby was born last August. I use domperidone to increase my milk supply and it has gotten me almost to full supply. Perhaps you might want to investigate dom and start using it and pumping to get a freezer stash. Sometimes it's more difficult to get to full supply while you are in the natural weaning phase. It's good to have lots of extra milk on hand. Best source, I know of, for adoptive nursing info is www.asklenore.com. You can get donor milk from www.milkshare.com.

I found the Canadian dom works better for me than the kind you get online without a prescription.

[tiffani]

took my last bcp yesterday, start pumping today! who knows how this will go, with such major travel plans when I will need to be pumping a lot, but our whole adoption journey has been about "I don't know how we'll pull this off, but let's just jump in and see..." so it's fitting... I just hope the pump I bought works as well as the last one I had. It's so hard to come by so many things here in new zealand... I'm feeling whiny about it today, as I've been browsing online for all the things that cost 3 times as much here, or more than the cost of the item to have them shipped... oh well, there are a lot of benefits to being tucked way down here in the corner of the world too, even if you can't get a box of plain old yellow-boxed cheerios.

[BeckC]

:::::::::: :

Our approval letter came in today!!!!!!!!!

[lamamax3]

Well, it turns out that the family chosen by the emom we met with is active in their church. Guess what? That's really important to her. We are not religious. How our meeting was set up in the first place is my real question. It is totally her right to choose a church-going family for her baby, but we have never pretended that we were those people. The sw also pointed out that this was the only AA mother she's had all year who was even willing to look at books of non-AA families. So, we are not AA and we don't go to church, and those aren't things that are going to change.

She mentioned that she only has three waiting families (including us) and four potential birth mothers right now. I guess all we can do is wait and hope someone sees past our apparent flaws...

[tiffani]

Congratulations Rebecca!!! :

lamamax, they aren't flaws, they just weren't right for THAT emom. don't get discouraged, it will happen eventually... it is funny that you got so far as a meeting with the emom when it's pretty clear that she wouldn't have chosen you... kind of makes sense now that your social worker was a little on the defensive side, since she obviously dropped the ball in there somewhere... I wouldn't worry about it too much, though, as it doesn't sound like you have many options at this point, and she'll probably be a little more careful in the future!

[sesa70]

Still chuggin' along on the homestudy. We started mid June and should *hopefully* be done by early september. We have two classes left which are both set up for later this month. We are already foster parents so we don't have to wait on getting printed or anything. All thats left now is my dh's solo interview and our home visit. After that we are done!

I am now starting to think about getting our book/album together and it has me so anxious. I worry about our family being judged and rejected.

We are also in the process of filling out the dreaded what are you open to checklist. I am really surprised by how little we are open to, but given we already have a child with special needs we know our limitations as a family. I can't help but feel like saying not open to so many things will really keep our chances way down. How did some of you handle that?

[Whistler]

Yay Rebecca!!!!

lamama, sorry to hear the match fell through. I agree with you that it wasn't the right one to begin with. I wouldn't count your religious choices as negatives though because we are on the opposite side of that coin and I worry that it will limit us in the same way. I hope we both get matched with emoms who like our lifestyles.

Sesa, I know what you mean about what you're comfortable with. Yikes! I felt like I had to put more no's than I wanted to but I have to do what is right for our family. There were actually quite a few SN's I said yes to but the no's were definitely no. I wish I was the laid-back kind of person who could do a good job raising a FASD baby for example, but I know I'd go absolutely crazy and therefore my family would suffer. That's not a good future for anybody.

Well, it's into month 8 for us. A bunch of people I have talked to waited 8 or 9 months then got a baby. I'm not sure whether to stick with what we have or to try and spread the net wider (as in more agencies, letters, parent sites...) I am just not sure where to go from here. So for now I am sitting and waiting.

The third family in our church Small Group had her baby last week. I had thought for sure we would beat her to a baby but nope. I'm beginning to get cynical and think "Christmas" or "next summer". I guess what I need to think is that I'll tell our little person how much he or she was worth the wait.

[Whistler]

Oh!! Excitement! We got a call from our CW asking permission to show our profile to a LOCAL emom! WooHoo! The lady that did our homestudy is working with an emom who is expecting a biracial baby and she thought of us. I know this doesn't mean we'll get chosen (we have gotten a "no" before in this situation) but I am still glad to anticipate something happening.... We'll find out in two weeks whether this is a match.