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*~*'~* August Dating Thread *~*'~* Gettin' our feet wet and doin' the 2 step! *~*'~* - Page 4

post #61 of 231
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ione View Post

Next time he jokes about "wanting to take you off the dating market", just say something like:

When you're ready to do more than want it, let me know and we'll talk terms.
What about saying it more like, "If you'd wanna have me all to yourself, you should know that I'm a girl that requires a lot of attention." with a playful smile....?

I don't really wanna have a 'relationsihp' talk yet. I'm still deciding about him, and while the jury's still out on my end, I don't want to accidently offer a commitment I'm not ready to make. I'd rather sort of hint that he's gonna have to 'up the ante' about how often I'd like to be in touch with him/how much attention he's gonna need to pour in m y direction, so things can heat up and heat up and maybe get to that point of exclusivity (in, like, a month or something, perhaps? I'm thinking after 2-3 more good/solid/quality chunks of time together.....?) I am going to play it by ear. I want to hint that I need attention, so he might get the clue that if he doesn't want things to fizzle and fritter away with me, he's gonna have to keep the heat on, but I'm not ready to suggest more. Then maybe by the end of August I'll be so sure about giving an exclusive thing with him a try that I'll be ready to throw down the gauntlet and suggest it or ask him if he's thought about it or whatever.... I'll see. When I'm ready to commit to it if he asks, then I'll broach it.
post #62 of 231
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
What about saying it more like, "If you'd wanna have me all to yourself, you should know that I'm a girl that requires a lot of attention." with a playful smile....?
My mind is in the gutter permanently these days due to a serious lack of dancing for years but...

If a guy said something like that to me with a playful smile, I would NOT be thinking phone/txt/email contact... I'd interpret that to be a call for LOTS of wild dancing. A physical challenge involving major carnal knowledge. Right then and there on the spot.

My advice would be, given that you're not sure about that level of commitment yet and already planning on waiting, STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW TO SAY IT NOW.

I'd bet that when the time comes to have that conversation, you'll know what needs to be said. A lot can happen between then and now.
post #63 of 231
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ione View Post
"Is he going to eventually be the man with the ice scraper?"

If he's over the age of, say 25, that question has to be: "Is he (already) the man with the ice scraper (even if he hasn't yet had the opportunity to scrape the ice off my car)?"

Not will he be in some unspecified future that kind of man. Way too easy to err on the side of wishful thinking when asking about some vague future... at least for me...
I think we are saying 'going to eventually be' not meaning he doesn't have to be that sort of man in the present, but just meaning that when, one day, in a hypothetical future life together, when having those types of everyday ways of expressing romance, will he do it.... since obviously on date 3 or 4 your life isn't yet intertwined enough (and it's simply not appropriate yet to intrude upon things like that, even unasked, it's a little creepy/fatal attraction in the first few weeks after meeting) to expect those types of things.

Clear as mud?

I agree with YOU, Ione. He better be that sort of man NOW, and as soon as it makes sense to start seeing those types of gestures, that's when they'd be showing up.
post #64 of 231
Butterflymom, I've got to be honest, I would not be okay to go 3.5 days with no phone calls with a guy that close. And I'm someone who needs plenty of space! Seriously, wth?

Does he know he's not going to get to exclusive status with you by acting like this?

That said, I do agree with Ione. Until you're willing to make the sort of commitment he seems to want, let it ride. I wouldn't want to inadvertantly offer more commitment either, & it's one of those things that seems like it could get a lot deeper than you really want it to right now.

And Ione, I think you hit the nail on the head with saying men over 25 should be at the ice scraper stage already.
post #65 of 231
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ione View Post
A physical challenge involving major carnal knowledge. Right then and there on the spot.
.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ione View Post
My advice would be, given that you're not sure about that level of commitment yet and already planning on waiting, STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW TO SAY IT NOW. I'd bet that when the time comes to have that conversation, you'll know what needs to be said. A lot can happen between then and now. .

True 'dat. Obsession mode switched off for now......
post #66 of 231
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagesgirl View Post
Butterflymom, I've got to be honest, I would not be okay to go 3.5 days with no phone calls with a guy that close. And I'm someone who needs plenty of space! Seriously, wth?
Actually we're now at 4 days no phone call. And if I hear from him tomorrow night (Friday night) I'll be shocked because I'm sure he'll go out with friends. But then again when he goes out with friends, he drinks, and when he drinks, he starts texting me or calling and saying to me the sweetest/sappiest things about wanting no other.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagesgirl View Post

Does he know he's not going to get to exclusive status with you by acting like this?

That's my whole thing! I don't want to figure out about if this should be exclusive now or at some point or ANYTHING. It's too soon. But I feel uneasy because he surely does NOT know that he's never going to arrive to exclusivity with me (which he seems to want to achieve), in this fashion. He's shooting himself in the foot and doesn't even know he has a gun in his hand. I hate that, this....stoopidness..... he's f'ing it up unwittingly but it's such a delicate thing to have to try to sort of point out for him, since he's messing it up when left alone to his own devices..... argh! I really do think that at this stage he's kinda more 'into' me than I am 'into' him but just has a totally different approach/style of how to go about this, whereas I just hate to see him fumbling things up before they even have a chance to flourish.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Sagesgirl View Post
That said, I do agree with Ione. Until you're willing to make the sort of commitment he seems to want, let it ride.

Exactly. I'm not gonna do anything, just go with it and see what he manages to come up with. If he fumbles it to oblivion, I may or may not wave my hands wildly and say, "Hey, you! over here! Yoohooo! You're driving down the wrong side of the road, dufus!" depending on the feeling I get from him this next visit or two together, face-to-face. Could be that I get 'over' it myself, for whatever reason, and just let him fade himself right out of my life and let that be that.
post #67 of 231
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ione View Post
If he's over the age of, say 25, that question has to be: "Is he (already) the man with the ice scraper (even if he hasn't yet had the opportunity to scrape the ice off my car)?"
Such a true point! He needs to already be that man in his core. It's a personality trait not just his feelings for you alone though they do influence one to do more.
post #68 of 231
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
But then again when he goes out with friends, he drinks, and when he drinks, he starts texting me or calling and saying to me the sweetest/sappiest things about wanting no other.
See now, that would piss me off to no end. You (=generic guy, my not-yet-met-contender) either text/call/whatever and say that stuff to me SOBER (and tipsy too if you want--wait, no, just don't call me when you're drinking period) or forget about it. Sell it somewhere else.

I don't want a man who can only say the mushy romantic stuff when he's tipsy/drinking/otherwise not sober. And, I certainly do not want to be [insert sappy mush] to a man only when he's drunk.

Of course, my reaction is heavily colored by having an alcoholic father who would call me drunk and get all mushy about how much he loved me, missed me, how great I was, etc. until I started hanging up on him whenever he called even slightly drunk. (My parents are divorced.)

Major red button for me there. Major. Deal-breaking major.

But, everyone's mileage will vary, since no one else had to deal with my father growing up.
post #69 of 231
Thread Starter 
#1 He's never intoxicated to the point where I would have been able to guess it, over the phone or in a message. Always sounds exactly the same as the completely sober version of himself. He doesn't seem to drink to the point of sloppy drunkenness. Which I'm glad about. He drinks to the point of loosening his tongue and not worrying about 'coming on too strong' and just blabbing his thoughts/feelings a bit more openly, but that's it.

#2 He does say similarly mushy stuff to me, sober. For sure. It's become a little joke between us about how he doesn't seem to mind saying corny little 'lines' to me as they pop up into his mind (always original, nothing he's heard elsewhere but they're still corny little one-liners of his own innovation) even though most men would shudder to come across as so sappy and un-cool. I think it's cool that he doesn't mind coming across as non-playery, sober or a bit tipsy.
post #70 of 231
I'm glad to hear that, Butterflymom.

But, like I said, it's my own personal red-button-from-childhood/early-adulthood. And, it's still a red button for me even if it doesn't apply to your GA.
post #71 of 231
Butterfly....
I'm in the 'that's not enough' camp...but it is important to note that I am a HUGE communicator and that is a "must have" thing on my list for my partner.

In my experience, when I'm really into someone and they're really into me, we both have that feeling of 'I can't wait to talk to you...text you...see you...whatever' and we both make an effort to make it happen.

If you're totally cool with the way it is...I think it's great. I understand that some people need processing time, some people need less contact, and a lot of contact isn't for everyone or isn't essential for everyone. But, it sounds like it's not totally cool with you...and I think that's perfectly fine to feel that way.

There is a guy, who won't be able to stop thinking about you and will not be able to wait 24 hours for the chance to talk to you again.
post #72 of 231
Seie...

If there's one thing I've learned from Consensual Parenting and Mediation work, it is that even at times, when things seems like they are opposite and there are no solutions that are satisfying...when you get to the root of what you really want and why, you can discover amazing possibilities and ways to have everything you want. It may or may not be with this man...it may or may not be in having another child. Only time will tell. But, I believe if you are open to creative solutions and willing to look under the surface at what it is you really want and why...you may find an answer to your question and feel relieved to see you really can have it all.

I'm wishing you some peace with this.
post #73 of 231
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterflymom View Post
Actually we're now at 4 days no phone call.
Ok, now I would start to be bothered and irritated. 1-2 days - no problem. 3-4 days would start to shake my threshold and I would start to go a bit wonky.

Since you both connected so well and spent so much time together on your 3 dates, do you feel comfortable enough with picking up the phone and calling/texting him? Perhaps just with a "Hey, haven't heard from you in a few days... are you still alive and well? ;o)" And then see where the conversation goes from there.
post #74 of 231
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
Butterfly....
I'm in the 'that's not enough' camp...but it is important to note that I am a HUGE communicator and that is a "must have" thing on my list for my partner.

In my experience, when I'm really into someone and they're really into me, we both have that feeling of 'I can't wait to talk to you...text you...see you...whatever' and we both make an effort to make it happen.

If you're totally cool with the way it is...I think it's great. I understand that some people need processing time, some people need less contact, and a lot of contact isn't for everyone or isn't essential for everyone. But, it sounds like it's not totally cool with you...and I think that's perfectly fine to feel that way.

There is a guy, who won't be able to stop thinking about you and will not be able to wait 24 hours for the chance to talk to you again.
Perfectly said MCA!
post #75 of 231
Butterfly - Ok -now 4 days is a lot. I would consider calling by now and probably wouldnt be all that ok with it. I would definately wonder what was going on? I'd probably call around now to figure out what was going on..
post #76 of 231
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Holland73 View Post
Since you both connected so well and spent so much time together on your 3 dates, do you feel comfortable enough with picking up the phone and calling/texting him?

: Fraid not. I might have called him but last night, but getting ignored ended up kind of pissing me off. You see, we texted twice back and forth during the day, first him, then me, then him, then me with a question about this weekend, at 4pm, and now it's noon the next day and still no reply. He's blowing me off, ladies. I know he has his phone with him all the time and there was nothing last night keeping him occupied, he had already told me earlier in the day that he would go for a bike ride after work and then no plans to go anywhere afterwards, just staying in. Now he'll be leaving in a few hours to go to his hometown to visit old friends, etc, until he sees me on Sunday, I guess. : If he does call tonight it'll be 5 full days since he's called me, and I'm sure he won't because he'll be visiting with friends and out on the town on a friday night, I'm certain. So if I hear from him tomorrow that'll be around 6 days without a call and I'm super un-impressed. Also, this 20 hours of not responding to the question I asked him via text message just really does not fly with me. Thumbs down.

Getting my mind off him, ladies..... don't know about our sunday date. I'll think about that in a couple of days when I have to.
post #77 of 231
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
There is a guy, who won't be able to stop thinking about you and will not be able to wait 24 hours for the chance to talk to you again.
Yup! Freeing up my aura, my thoughts, my vibe, as of .....*NOW* so I can be available to notice/find/meet that guy if he wanders across my radar.


Seie, I'm not gonna call him. I know what's going on. He's ok with leaving me dangling and he doesn't register/realize that it's going to kill things fresh outta the starting gate with me, and he goofed. : Plain and simple. It happens.
post #78 of 231
Quote:
Originally Posted by MsChatsAlot View Post
There is a guy, who won't be able to stop thinking about you and will not be able to wait 24 hours for the chance to talk to you again.
Three weeks ago, I never would have believed this. But it's so true. And it's also true that it will happen when you least expect it.
post #79 of 231
Thread Starter 
25 hours of radio silence from his end. No texts for that amount of time, that is. Nearly 5 days without calling. But who's counting? I'm not sure whether to even consider our sunday plans 'on' or not and I'm having to figure out the logistics of that day NOW. There is a changing of the guards between me and my ex husband on sunday involved, a birthday party, transportation to/from the birthday party, and train tickets needed/not-needed, all up in the air re: sunday afternoon, and I need to figure out a plan of action ASAP. Knowing if/when the G.A. will be around with his car and what sort of transportation help he's willing to offer me and/or me & the boys would really be useful information.

Or should I just write him off as a flake who has dropped me, and make my plans assuming he's no longer involved...? :

Sigh.
post #80 of 231
This is a legitimate reason to call him on the phone to ask. Not that you should need a legitimate reason or anything...
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