anger

[onion]

I am not a new member I am just so ashamed I needed to create another profile to talk about this.

I have a 2.5 y/o ds and a 5month dd. I have been getting so angry at the 2.5 and completely losing it. I have hit him several times and yelled a lot. Each time I lash out I feel completely awful and ashamed. I always hug and apologize to him and vow to myself never do it again, but then I do.

Let me also say that I believe in gentle parenting 100%. I believe it is absolutely wrong to hit a child and I am hating myself right now I never behaved this way before my 2nd was born.

I want to be a good patient mom so bad I just feel like there is this rage inside that I cannot escape. Every time it happens in an instant before I even realize what I am doing and then I instantly feel horrible.

It doesn't help that it is over 100 degrees and I don't have a/c.

I worried this this all sounds like an excuse but I really hate myself right now and love my children so much I just don't know what to do. I know I am really damaging the relationship I have with ds and am really scared that this will escalate and then what if he gets really hurt? What if he is taken away from me? If I lose my children then my life would be over.

I try to take a time out when I feel myself getting angry then when I come back I just get angry again and I can't keep taking time outs every 10 minutes. My kids are very young and need me a lot.

Sorry this is all over the place. Thanks for reading.

[Sylith]

I struggle with GD, and come here to read, not give advice. But I couldn't read your post without responding.

Are you taking good care of yourself? Getting adequate sleep? Do you get a regular break from your kids? Is it possible you could have PPD? Are you dealing with "stuff" from your own childhood?

That phase, with an infant and a toddler, can be so, *so* hard.

My sympathies. Be gentle with yourself, as well as your children, mama.

[jennpn]

My sympathies as well. Being a parent is not easy all the time, and the guilt that comes from making mistakes is like no other kind. In a calm moment without beating yourself up think about why you have made the conscious decision not to use physical punishment. Likely it is becuase you want to teach your children through example, one of which is not that those who are bigger can ger their way by intimidation and hurting others smaller then them. You want to be a soft place to land for your children, you want them to trust you completly which they cannot do if your actions are unpredictable and they fear you may hit them if they make a mistake. I realize I am preaching to the choir, but just revisit the exact reasons WHY you do not want to act in this way and then simply stop. Take it out of your resource list...it is no longer an option. If you cannot do this perhaps you need some anger management to find techniques to curb your frustration and impulse. As for the yelling, I was never hit as a child but I was yelled at ALOT. I found this equally damaging, if not more so. As a tactic I use that has helped me so much when I feel my voice rising and my patience level lowering start talking very quietly. The louder I want to yell the quieter I speak. This works wonders with my son who is 2. He will stop and quiet down enough to hear what I am saying, I can then pull him close and talk softly in his ear. There is something then about the touch of him and the smell of him under my nose that melts away any frustration I have. Try this, I hope it works for you.

[Wild Lupine]

Hugs to you. Not much advice, but I just want to say I completely relate to where you are at. I also have a 2 1/2 year old and an infant, and have been struggling with anger and temper, too. Dealing with a child who is testing limits is not easy while sleep deprived. It makes it much harder to come up with a creative response, and more likely we'll replay the scripts from our own childhood. Do you have anyone who can help out? Getting an hour to yourself, or even with just one child at a time, can really help reduce the pressure. Please know you are not alone, and not judged here. Anger is a human emotion and we all struggle with it to varying degrees.

[Just1More]

My ds can really push my buttons, too. He's been difficult from birth...he's just so determined, and has this REALLY LOUD cry that makes it impossible to do ANYTHING except deal with him. It sends my blood pressure through the roof, I'm sure.

Lately (the last several months), I've stopped trying to do anything engaging about it. When he won't speak nicely to me, or is tantruming, or won't cooperate, I take his hand (pick him up if I have to) and take him to another room and put him on a chair (or his bed). If he screams and kicks and gets up, I just put him back. I say something very brief like, "You may not yell AT mama. You may come back when you will be nice to mama." Now I say, "You may NOT yell AT mama. You sit HERE. I'll be back in a few minutes." Then when I come back, I repeat what I told him before. If I don't get obedience and pleasantness, I leave him there.

It sounds so terribly harsh, but it isn't and he is SO much happier. He is willing to obey (and yes, sometimes children, I believe, just HAVE to obey), and to be nice and we can have so much more fun than when he's fussing and whining and yelling.

I just DON'T put up with it anymore.

And it's helped a lot.

And he just turned 2.

So, I say, cut the drama. Don't LET him ruin your day and stress YOU out. This is HIS problem. Just pick him up and remove him. The first few times you may have to do it over and over and over ad nausem, but he will eventually stay. The lesson here, in my opinion, is that YOU personally, will not allow ANYONE (not even him) to physically, emotionally, or verbally assault you. So, if he's going to do that, he's not welcome. It's not about HIM, it's about YOU.

Doing things this way keeps me calm, and keeps him happy. And, really, after several weeks of being consistent and sticking it through, I hardly have to do it at all...not even every day.

[InMediasRes]

Hugs to you, mama. I have kids the exact same ages, and I have a really tough time with GD too. I always leaned toward GD, but never really identified it as my real philosophy until my DD was born and I started having so much trouble with DS. This baby/2 yo thing is really hard because 2yo really are babies in so many ways.

I usually yell when a whole bunch of little things are going wrong on a day I was primed for explosion. My most successful calming has just been to step back and think about what's really bothering me, because it's usually NOT my son, but something else going on. Maybe I'm feeling like a really lousy parent that day. Maybe I'm stressed about something else going on in my life, etc. Then I have practiced actively letting go of what my son is doing that's setting me off. I have to disconnect his behavior from my value as a parent before I can get over it.

For me, I need to know in advance when it's going to be a tough time. I sat down and made a list of all the behaviors that set me off, then I worked on letting go of those, and acting out in my head how I would respond. I also now have a moment to make the connection in my head "My son is doing X that will probably make me angry" and set myself on a different course.

If you feel like things are escalating, maybe some counseling or anger management? And just remember that everyone has bad days, but you can always try again.

[ainh]

Goodness. I can relate. My two are 2.75 years apart in age and ever since DS2 was born I have had more negative feelings towards DS1. Just now it is starting to get better. The first six months SUCKED. I feel like I really resented DS1, because I couldn't really enjoy my newborn, you know? I do feel that our relationship has suffered at this point, but hopefully it'll regrow into what it needs to be in the future. I know that I screwed up a bit (yelling horribly, rougher than necessary at times and inconsistent)...but every day is a new day. We can do this. I think it's some sort of normal hormonal thing that happens to some of us and it starts to get better over time. Good luck!

[buttercups.nest]

I've been there....when I'm there I'm stressed, tired, exhausted, sometimes fighting with my husband, not taking the time to care for myself etc.

Do you have any friends that can take your little ones? Family? Maybe a girls night out? PM me if you want to chat further....I totally understand what you're feeling, and know that you shouldn't be alone!

[mamabeca]

More hugs and sympathy here, mama. I think it's great to be honest, ask for help, and be willing to try new things that might help.

1. Don't let yourself get away with stuff you don't approve of. If hitting isn't ok, don't let yourself hit. Tie a string around your wrist, or finger, to remind yourself.

2. Do get exercise. It helps work out pent up anger, and hopefully it will allow you to work off steam that you are letting off on your kids?

3. Talk with your dr. and see whether they feel it's ppd, treatable with herbal/non-pharma, or whether you need meds to help.

4. Be careful to get enough sleep, eat well, take a multi vit inc. vit B's and D.

5. Get out, outside, be with people. This will help you behave, as well as break up the monotony of being a mama of infant/toddler. Just go to the mall, walk around, go to the play place, park, even regular visits to the supermarket for an apple would be better than being home alone w/the kids when you a) don't trust yourself b) get riled up regularly c) need something you aren't getting. An apple is better retail therapy than overspending at the shoe store lol!!

Know that you are NOT alone. There are a LOT of women, here and everywhere, who have this same issue. You are already on the right road, seeking help. **hugs**

[aspenleaves]

Great topic. Anger... I have anger and I have only 1 dd who is 5. I have been struggling so much with my anger lately that a few things have come up and they do help in the moment.

1. I give myself a time out just before explosion point. When I am in my room I beat the pillow, scream into the mattress and cry if I must. Then I open my door sit on the floor, close my eyes and start to hum a kind of meditation hum.... my dd comes to me and we reconnect and talk it through.

2. I think outdoor exercise is the best way to get rid of pent up anger. I actually go out sometimes and smash fruit on the cement. I don't know why, but this feels great.

3. At a certain point when my child is occupied I do go sit and hummm and meditate. I have never done this before and just started it.... try and clear my head because it is in my head that things are the worst...

4. I thinks setting clear boundaries and being very firm and consistant is the best way to address your ds and any behavior you cannot tolerate...I am working on this very thing and it is hard but I think it is the best way.

Good Luck.

[titania8]

i haven't read the responses yet, but plan too, because i too am seriously struggling. im in therapy for anger actually, because it just go to the point that i realized i couldn't do it on my own. all the wanting and good intentions weren't cutting it.

you aren't alone, and having a baby is hard with older ones who are still so young!

some tool box ideas:

count backward from 1000, out loud.

let your older son watch tv, even if for a bit to give you a break (if he likes tv and its something you can live with. my kids used to be 99% tv free, now, ugh, im ashamed, but it won't last forever).

sing. sing about whatever it is you want him to do, or what you see, or the transition (transitions are hard here)

deep breathing

step outside and take a breather. course, you said it super hot there. maybe a trip to an indoor play area or just wandering around target!

you aren't alone. and i know it sucks. i spend a lot of time being upset with myself about losing my patience with my kids. i see the looks on their faces and hear the hurt in their cries, and feel like crap.

[LilyGrace]

Originally Posted by onion

Let me also say that I believe in gentle parenting 100%. I believe it is absolutely wrong to hit a child and I am hating myself right now I never behaved this way before my 2nd was born.

I want to be a good patient mom so bad I just feel like there is this rage inside that I cannot escape. Every time it happens in an instant before I even realize what I am doing and then I instantly feel horrible.

Have you talked to a doctor about this, mama? You could have a form of PPD.

[Shami]

Do you have a higher power than your self?

You got some great advice...full of compassion. One thing that helps me is my higher power. My God is the Lord Jesus and I do deep breathing exercises with His Name. I breath deeply (physically) and I say out loud, Lord Jesus, as I exhale. It really helps because whatever I am not, He is. Whatever I cannot do, He can. Hope I am not offending anyone...just my experience.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by Shami

You got some great advice...full of compassion. One thing that helps me is my higher power. My God is the Lord Jesus and I do deep breathing exercises with His Name. I breath deeply (physically) and I say out loud, Lord Jesus, as I exhale. It really helps because whatever I am not, He is. Whatever I cannot do, He can. Hope I am not offending anyone...just my experience.

I like this. I'm not a Christian, but not at all offended, either. It seems like it can work in a variety of ways, to suit different belief systems.

[Limabean1975]

Let me preface this by saying that I am not, of course, condoning hitting at all.

But...with AP parenting, we are told to always follow our instincts - pick up that crying baby, keep the baby close, etc etc..follow those instincts...but wait! Isn't that anger, *especially* in the infant + toddler + mama dynamic, isnt't that anger an instinct? It sure is! In the animal world, if you were trying to care for a tiny baby, anyone, ANYONE who got in your way would be swatted or shoved away.
Heck, even without the infant around, "toddler" kittens for example are swatted away by Mama when she gets sick and tired of nursing them.

Again...not condoning it. We humans have figured out better ways. But we are fighting against our instincts and it ain't easy.

As for me, I have not hit, but I have handled roughly, and wow, the negative feelings towards my 3.5 yo since my 2mo came along.... ugggggh.


I like the smashing fruit on the cement idea. Might have to dispose of a few mouldy nectarines that way...

eta: actually, while I'm here, mind if I ask a question of my own? My 3.5yo boy is sometimes hitting my baby, sometimes knowingly hugging/kissing/patting her way too hard, that sort of thing. I am working on all the usual stuff - getting to the root of the problem, giving him special attention and one-on-one time, having him, when willing, help care for OUR baby, having some "rough & tumble" time with him...etc. Also, PREVENTING whenever I can - but that's pretty much never, as he gets to her even when she's in my arms (he's very tall).
I think I need some "firm and consistent" ideas for what to do in the moment, as well as more general ideas.
I hope it's okay that I'm butting in - will start my own thread if needed.

[~NewMa~]

I'm right here with you! s:
I'm visiting this site tonight for help with gentle disipline after losing my temper multiple times today
I have a 15 month old and a new baby due January.
I'm still very early in this pregnancy but am already dreading the addition of a new baby and I feel awful about that!
Sometimes whatever I try just doesn't seem to work!!!
He totally disreguards the word NO and now he's at a stage where even redirection isn't cutting it because he wants to be so independent.
I totally understand where you're coming from!
I slapped his little butt today and left a handprint!!!
Even that didn't seem to phase him. He whimpered for a minute and kept right on misbehaving and I sat there about to cry just looking at the mark I left behind
The only things that I have found work for me as far as not letting myself get physically and/or verbally abusive is to take him somewhere public to distract him or to take him to a friend or family members house.
And when I can't do that I pray for strength, patience and tolerance!!! (even though I'm not a religious person and don't know who I'm "praying" to. I guess maybe I'm just asking myself for these things...)
I hope it gets better for you!
Nothing lasts forever, right?
It has to get better soon, right?
At the very least, know that you're not alone!

[titania8]

Originally Posted by Limabean1975

Let me preface this by saying that I am not, of course, condoning hitting at all.

But...with AP parenting, we are told to always follow our instincts - pick up that crying baby, keep the baby close, etc etc..follow those instincts...but wait! Isn't that anger, *especially* in the infant + toddler + mama dynamic, isnt't that anger an instinct? It sure is! In the animal world, if you were trying to care for a tiny baby, anyone, ANYONE who got in your way would be swatted or shoved away.
Heck, even without the infant around, "toddler" kittens for example are swatted away by Mama when she gets sick and tired of nursing them.

Again...not condoning it. We humans have figured out better ways. But we are fighting against our instincts and it ain't easy.

As for me, I have not hit, but I have handled roughly, and wow, the negative feelings towards my 3.5 yo since my 2mo came along.... ugggggh.


I like the smashing fruit on the cement idea. Might have to dispose of a few mouldy nectarines that way...

eta: actually, while I'm here, mind if I ask a question of my own? My 3.5yo boy is sometimes hitting my baby, sometimes knowingly hugging/kissing/patting her way too hard, that sort of thing. I am working on all the usual stuff - getting to the root of the problem, giving him special attention and one-on-one time, having him, when willing, help care for OUR baby, having some "rough & tumble" time with him...etc. Also, PREVENTING whenever I can - but that's pretty much never, as he gets to her even when she's in my arms (he's very tall).
I think I need some "firm and consistent" ideas for what to do in the moment, as well as more general ideas.
I hope it's okay that I'm butting in - will start my own thread if needed.

mine do this too. i have 3.5 yo twins, and they, well, one in particular, is the same way. they also LOVE to wake him up. : they pull on his leg when im carrying him (in arms or the carrier) and push him over if he's sitting down, etc. i can say "grown ups move the baby" until im blue in the face, but it makes no difference. im trying to just pysically move on, out of the area, but you know, its still mighty annoying.

[Limabean1975]

Ohhh, titania, thanks for sharing that. Even though I know he's three, it's typical behaviour, he's adjusting to baby, blahblahblah...sometimes I feel like he's EVIL! (I believe it was here on MDC I heard the term "threevil") and yeah, I feel the rage. It's somewhat reassuring to hear someone else's similar story.

[simplify4balance]

Angry mamas are not alone...

Great thread. Thank you all for being so open.
I miss the days when it was just dd1... no dd2 and new baby. I was so calm and patient.
Soon after DD2 was born I started losing it. Totaly screaming like a lunatic at DD1. I was really suffering from ppd... but dd2 was and still is incredibly high needs and now that we have welcomed DS into our home she is absorbing all the energy.
I stumbled into AP bc she would simply not tolerate being put down or away from DH or I for more than a few precious moments. She slept in our bed bc there was no other way. I wore her bc there was no other way. Now it seems I scream at her like a mama lion (seriously- down in her face, mouth wide open screaming from my ugliest darkest place) bc there seems to be NO OTHER WAY to get through to her.
I also act out physically against them when things get crazy.

We go to the library and she is running around like a cartoon character while I check out books. DD1 looks and says hey that looks fun and does it too. I am standing there with a newborn and a library bag running through the ideas on how to deal with this situation from all the GD books I have read and coming up blank. So finally I grab her too tight (on purpose bc I feel like I want to hurt her) and snap at DD1 and we tumble out the door like a noisy, out of control disaster. It is humiliating.
For us, it seems to be about control. I feel like I am so out of control of her. DD1 can be reasoned with but this child is tougher. She shrieks for 40 mins. at a time and it shakes me so bad.
I love them, but I find I can not enjoy myself with them. I want to read books, go on nature walks and be happy but it all goes to pot if one tiny thing sets her off... then her nasty energy infects the whole family.
I know that this is about my being able to control myself under intense pressure... she is just 2 and can not yet control herself bit how can I teach her if I am always giving her an example of my out of control behavior?
Ugh she just woke up... shrieking of course.
God. Please send me some good energy so I can deal with another day of this without losing it and screaming and hitting them. I love them.
Sorry if this is hijaking the thread???

[mataji4]

I think a lot of my anger comes from feeling out of control, too. I made rules and have a plan about how we can all live a good life together and then the children take turns f-ing it up! It's just a lot to try to keep a handle on everything myself. And no, I'm not really taking care of myself...I get six hours of sleep on average, usually interrupted, and I always feed the kids first, then something will come up so I'm not eating breakfast til ten or lunch til two not infrequently.

And it doesn't help to feel like a hormonal mess too!

jeez, being a mother is kind of crazy work.