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Differing values in houses - WWYD? - Page 2

post #21 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenemami View Post
I think the ultimate point here is that it is really hard to be an NCP who doesn't get to make many of the decisions in their child's life, and even harder to be the partner of the NCP (stepmother/father) who has even LESS say.
Nicely put. That's true.
post #22 of 27
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenemami View Post
I think the ultimate point here is that it is really hard to be an NCP who doesn't get to make many of the decisions in their child's life, and even harder to be the partner of the NCP (stepmother/father) who has even LESS say.
*nods*

Totally...
post #23 of 27
I'm not sure you'll like the first comment, but I think you'll appreciate the second one.

On the choice of school:

* If her dad didn't care enough to fight the issue, I would drop it. This is part of the strategy that allows me to keep my sanity. When I say "drop it", I mean "let it go". He obviously doesn't think it's big enough of an issue to argue, and he is the parent. Can I be friends with people that are of different religious beliefs? The I can certainly accept the fact that my DSD is choosing something that I don't believe in. It's even easier when she is 5 and it's just a school. It's as simple as that.

On gay marriage:

* In this very house we have many conversations about it. The very first time DSD confidently mentioned something about "only man and a woman should marry", I remember standing in the kitchen and taking a breath to compose myself. She was about 11-12 at the moment, and her stepdad has rather intolerant outlook on the issue. I remember saying something like, "Well, I believe that love matters more than anything else, and that I am in no position to judge whom other people choose to love. Better than hate any day." That was it. The rest came from small comments and conversations like that, and now that she is 16 she is not only friends with many gay kids at school, but she also called here one time in tears, because she got into a heated argument with her stepdad over this very topic, and she said she did it because she didn't want to have her little brother and sister growing up with intolerant views. A very proud moment of mine.

The point is... Believe it or not, I am Christian Orthodox, that goes to Catholic Church with her boyfriend, has half family that is Jewish, believes that gay people should have the same rights as the rest, lives "in sin" with her beloved for 6(?!) years now, and is still hoping for salvation. What I'm trying to say is that catholic school is not going to overpower what you present at home. And if you set an example of love and tolerance, your children will follow. Being in a blended situation, you are going to allow yourself to let go of some of your beliefs and to allow her mother imprint some of hers. That's just what's going to happen, and it is important to allow everyone to have a say, and the child will choose what she is drawn to at the moment, . Don't stress.

P.S. I really do think that the next generation will be way more tolerant than the past.

P.P.S. it is important to remember that it will take years until she actually settles in her opinions on such questions. DSD's view of the world (including right and wrong, marriage, relationships, parenting, etc.) is NOTHING like when she was 6 y.o., it's not even close to what it was at 12. Go figure. :
post #24 of 27
I'm not sure that it is appropriate to be discussing gay marriage here?

Also Oriole, while I appreciate you sharing your perspective I'd encourage you to learn more about the Catholic view of marriage (not just a this is ok ,this isn't kind of thing), but really the fundamentals of why the Church believes what she believes- it is really beautiful and so perfectly describes God's will for us and how the relationship between a husband and a wife is actually one of the few glimpses of heaven on earth. As a Catholic myself I am so grateful that this sacrament exists in that God may continue to bestow upon my husband and myself His neverending grace.
post #25 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by pjs View Post
I'm not sure that it is appropriate to be discussing gay marriage here?

Also Oriole, while I appreciate you sharing your perspective I'd encourage you to learn more about the Catholic view of marriage (not just a this is ok ,this isn't kind of thing), but really the fundamentals of why the Church believes what she believes- it is really beautiful and so perfectly describes God's will for us and how the relationship between a husband and a wife is actually one of the few glimpses of heaven on earth. As a Catholic myself I am so grateful that this sacrament exists in that God may continue to bestow upon my husband and myself His neverending grace.

I don't think that it makes sense for us to discuss validity of various points of Christian religion on the thread where OP has clearly stated that she would like to make sure that her DSD is raised outside of it.

Admittedly, I'm not a very good Christian : I am not the kind of person that believes in ALL of the postulates of the church. I'm pretty set in my ways. I come into Spirituality forum on occasion, and I have a lot to say on this topic that really wouldn't fit in this particular discussion one bit.

My post is not meant to defend this or that religious point of view, it is only meant to demonstrate how both households in blended situation can respectfully voice their opinions to the child, without putting the other side down. Naturally, DSD's dad and I model what we believe in. This particular issue worried me at first, so I can very much relate to what JSMa is saying here. I'm perfectly okay with DSD choosing any spiritual path she'd like, but I am not okay with her not showing tolerance.

I think it's important that all the parents are given the opportunity to discuss such things with the child, and that there is a non-confrontational way to do this.

:
post #26 of 27
Thread Starter 
Thank you Oriole. Your post did make me feel a lot better.
post #27 of 27
I think that your dh's wisdom on staying out of how his ex's house is run and what her core value's are is VERY VERY WISE. I seriously doubt you would appreciate if she called your home telling the two of you not to speak about things she didn't believe in. This may be part of her core beliefs as well. Just remember your opinion is no more valid than hers. And the good thing is your dsd is being raised in an environment where she will get to hear many different arguements on many different core beliefs and in the end will be able to make more informed opinions of her own and be more tolerant of others opnions because of it. Also remember not everyone protesting gay marriage is catholic and not every core belief of the Catholic church is bad. Having two teenagers at home, who sometimes have VERY different opinions on things than me (FYI my dh and I are the conservative ones) its extremely difficult take a deep breath and just say "Why do you think so?" and then to follow it up very NICELY with the reasons why some people including myself disagree. My step daughters mother has vastly different beliefs on abortion, gay marriage, government responciblity, and its made our teenage girls think ALOT more about those things. I personally believe (though its just my opinion) that even if the girls disagree with me they will be much more educated than doing as much of society and following the beliefs of our parents blindly.
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