Christian and Infertile

[while.im.waiting]

I'm not sure if this is the correct place to start this thread, so please redirect me if needed.

I am looking for other Christian women who are struggling with infertility. I'm specifically wanting input on how you deal with "God's plan" and "His timing" and having the faith and hope to persevere month after month after month.

I have been married for 5 1/2 years. I have never been on birth control and have been actively TTC for 4 1/2 years. I am weary of the 2 week cycles of hopeful, disappointment, recovery, hopeful, disappointment, recovery....and so on.

Would love to meet other Christians in a similar circumstance so we can support each other!

~Kate

[aprilmom]

I understand the tw cycle all too well! It has been difficult at times to understand or find God in all of this. I get daily support from Sarah's Laughter. The offer free Christian support and have been very helpful!

[shellnurse]

We've been TTC#2 for nearly 2 years and I really understand that excitement, devastation cycle!!

I have to say I have been wrestling with God over it, (foolish human that I am). I'm really working on living the Serenity prayer of accepting the things I cannot change (is that biblical?) and trying to figure out what I can change and to find peace with what is willed for me and not what I will for myself.

I like the Sarah's laughter site, I may delve more deeply soon.

My sister is doing a Bible review and will send me some verses about infertility soon which I'll share.

[park223]

Been there...

While I am no longer in your shoes, I felt it worthy to hop on and offer you some hope. You may find yourself in my shoes one day and do the same for someone, as I know how this issue really tugs at your heart. It is truly a rollercoaster.
We have a healthy son, who is now 8 yrs. old. He was conceived naturally, after ten years of TTC. I felt like God had delt us a cruel and unknown reason for not providing us with a child, and seeing the world go on with blessings to other couples again and again. What I can say now, looking back, is that I believe there must have been a good reason for the long wait. Maybe it was to make our marriage even stronger. Maybe it was to let me suffer to be more compassionate as a mother. Maybe it helped us get a better footing on the financial needs of raising a child, instead of putting our wants first. I am not sure what the reason, but I do know that the rollercoaster ride was worth it. It took me a very long time to walk down the baby aisle of the grocery store and feel worthy of being there, even long after our son was born. It's a feeling only those who have been trying for a long time can appreciate.
I do know that there are many women out there who are in your shoes, and finding someone to chat and give eachother support is a great idea. My best wishes to you. PS, while I followed the books to a T on how to get pregnant, and always tried to 'relax' as they say, I did drink a couple of glasses of Merlot the night I conceived. Something I NEVER did while trying to conceive. It was just a freak thing, where we really weren't trying that special night, and were out celebrating a new job. So, like they say- getting your mind off of things (and maybe a little wine won't really hurt) may just do the trick like it did for us. The doctors never could find a reason to treat our infertility issue.

[still waiting]

I am new on this site. I have been TTC about a year and a half and it has been one of the most difficult trials I have ever been through. God has been so good to me during this and has taught me so many things about Himself that I think I never would have learned if it hadn't been for this difficulty. I still struggle with emotions throughout my cycle and no matter how well I think I am doing, every month when my period comes I feel a whole new wave of sad and discouraging emotions. I always try to go back to the things I know about God. I know that He is good and I know that I want His will for my life more than I want my own will for my life. And that is where I am having a whole new struggle. I did clomid for 6 months without any success. My Infertility Specialist wants me to do HCG injections and IUI, and I am struggling with what to do. I know that God is the giver of life and there is nothing that I can do to cause a life to grow inside of me...I used to think I had more control over that...God has a funny way of teaching us things. Anyway. I am just rambling, but I struggle with what to do and I find few people to bounce things off of because none of my friends are dealing with this and my mother never had any trouble conceiving. It is hard when you feel like no one understands what you are feeling.

[herent]

I struggle as well with God's timing and plan.  But what keeps me sane in this battle is knowing that I am only human and his ways are higher than mine and in the end there is a reason for everything.  I found out only to well when we were trying to conceive our second DS.  We struggled with infertility for 2 years before getting pregnant and along that journey we found out I have PCOS and health problems because of it, including insulin resistence, If not been diagnosed with this problem my health would have suffered even further in the future, but the Lord God opened my eyes to these problems through infertility.  We gave birth to DS 2 and then when he was 6 months old he was diagnosed with cancer.  I believe my sons cancer diagnosis made me even stronger in my walk as a Christian and if I had a baby with cancer 2 years prior I don't believe I would have handled it as well.  So as you can see things do happen for a reason, but sometimes when we are in the thick of the situation it is hard to see and sometimes even years later that ahha moment happens and you realize, that was why that happened!  We have been ttc our third child for a year now :(  It gets hard sometimes and I do find myself doing the "why me" thing.  I did just find out 2 weeks ago that I have fatty liver disease related to PCOS  uuuhhhhggggg!  So I am taking this as a cue that I need to lose weight and get my health together before ttc.  So God really does speak to us, and our prayers aren't always answered sometimes the way we would want, but the Lord God wants to give us hope and a future.  I find that daily prayer and reading his word are really helping me now.  I will be praying for you and asking God to extend you grace through this journey and for complete healing of your infertility.

[Rainy229]

Hi All!

We've been TTC for about 2 1/2 yrs. now.  I have PCOS (on meds- western and Traditional Chinese), and knew that TTC would be a drawn-out process.  I try to remember that each breath, each day, each BFN, each tww is that much time that our Father has blessed me with.  We have decided that the meds I'm on are okay, but beyond the metformin for PCOS and the herbs/acupuncture to help correct the processes that have gone awry, we'll stay away from other reproductive "technology."  (I don't want to sound judgmental, because I'm not - it's just how my DH and I believe for US to live - trust me, when my MD was offering me clomid at my annual, it took everything I had to say 'no thank you.')  

I can't tell you how I "deal" with "His plan" and "His timing,"  I just know that I have no control over it at this point - I take my meds, chart my cycle, and DH and I do our thing... the rest is in His hands.  :/  

HTH

Rainy

[blueyezz4]

I'm right here with you all!!!  I have struggled with this myself as well, but I do have to say that this whole IF journey has only brought me deeper in my faith and closer to God than I have ever been in my whole life.  Not to go into a ton of detail right now about our struggles, but after our first loss of our beautiful twin boys @ 22.5wks along (conceived via IUI w/ injectables) I never blamed God, but totally felt him put his arms around both my DH and I as we grieved those two little babies that he gave us.  If we wouldn't of had our faith, friends and family I don't know how we would have gotten through that.  Never in either my DH or my life did we feel such love around us.... people sending gifts, making us dinners for a month or more, sending cards with kind words, praying for us and more.  This whole thing also brought my DH and I closer together.  I know if we can go through something as tragic as that, that we can make it though anything.  God has totally touched our lives and if he wouldn't have given us those two babies that he now has back in Heaven we wouldn't have felt that heartfelt love that we did. God works in mysterious ways they say.   Anyways,  I can't say that I fully understand it, but i do have to believe that all things happen for a reason and I also feel that Satan plays a part in IF as well.   When it come to taking medicine to get pregnant, I still feel that you can take all the medicine in the world to help you get pregnant, but it is only an act of God that you are actually going to get that egg to stick and come to full term.  I had that same discussion with my mother when we had to move onto IVF.  I'm not trying to push my belief onto anyone and I'm just stating what I believe in my own life.  I know this kind of topic can get sticky which is one reason I don't normally get involved, but felt called to share.  Sending you all hugs since we are all in this together... in faith too.  What a good idea Kate for starting this thread!!

[still waiting]

It is encouraging to hear everyone's stories. God is so faithful. One of the pastors at my church says that anything that brings you closer to God is a blessing, which is so true. If someone gave me the option to never have gone this infertility struggle I dont think I would take it, just because of all that God has taught me and how He has drawn me closer to Himself. When I am down, it helps to look back and see all the ways He has encouraged me or proven Himself faithful. One of the verses that He used to really encourage me is II Corinthians 12:9-10 ,"And He has said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Most gladly therefore I will rather boast about my weakness, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me...for when I am weak, then I am strong."  Whenever I feel down about not being a mommy yet, I can almost feel Him telling me "My grace is sufficient for you". And it is the truth. He is always willing to given me as much grace as I need to get through anything. And the same for all of you sweet girls! His grace is amazing and I know that no matter what happens in the future, I can face anything with Him.  What an amazing Savior!

[Rainy229]

Just heard a great story on the radio today:

A caller was explaining her situation, she married later in life, and her doctor "gave her" six months to get pregnant before "having her" "do" fertility treatments.  She got pregnant the first month, and miscarried a few weeks later.  After waiting for her cycle to return after her MC, she was in traffic one day, praying for a healthy pregnancy.  He responded then and there, saying "I already have."  She was confused, and somewhat forgot about the response.  Later that night, she was praying for the same, and got the same response.  So, she decided to go get some pregnancy tests, came home, and P'dOAS.  SURPRISE!  

:)

--Rainy

[monkeyscience]

First off, .

I think knowing that there is a God, and that He does have a plan, makes it both harder and easier. Easier, because we know our struggles aren't meaningless. Harder, because sometimes we can't figure out what they're supposed to mean!

For me, I definitely feel like God is reminding me (for the umpteenth time), that blessings come on His schedule, not mine.

[blueyezz4]

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

First off, .

I think knowing that there is a God, and that He does have a plan, makes it both harder and easier. Easier, because we know our struggles aren't meaningless. Harder, because sometimes we can't figure out what they're supposed to mean!

For me, I definitely feel like God is reminding me (for the umpteenth time), that blessings come on His schedule, not mine.

Amen to that sister!!!!!  (Totally His schedule and NOT ours!!!) that is a hard one to swallow at times!!!

[Rainy229]

This cycle has been one of the tougher ones... if we would have become pregnant, the baby would have been due on my MIL's 65th birthday (my MIL, who has one child, whom I am married to; my MIL who is the only of her siblings to not have grand children; my MIL who has been asking about her grandchildren since DH and I were married........................)  I have been praying for more peace on this journey... to just let things happen - God knows what I want - and if He doesn't... well... then there's some other things that need tackled WAY before having children.  Well, today is 13dpo, and I finally decided to poas... LITERALLY 15  MINUTES after the BFN... AF shows.  

I posted, here, about our roller-coaster, but you know what I feel now, after being so emotional and 'amped up' about our potential due date (that won't be)?!  Peace, joy, patience (I never thought I could have the *feeling* of patience), hope, and reverence for my powerful, wonderful, loving Lord!  

Praise be to God for His amazing love!

--Rainy

[LessTraveledBy]

I think we ask the same questions those do, who have lost loved ones in a war, natural catastrophy, etc.: Why does God allow evil?

Allowing something, not taking action to stop it, is not the same as willing it or causing it. The problem in the world is oftentimes the free will given to humans... The free will that allows us to choose to love God is also the free will that makes it possible to do evil. God respects this free will and its consequences and normally we live with those results, whether caused by ourselves or others. Sometimes God chooses to intervene by performing a miracle, but often not.

I often see our secondary infertility as a natural thing more than as something supernatural, although it certainly may be both at the same time. It is also a lesson, just the way everything in life can be seen as a lesson, a chance to choose God's will over my own. I think my body may have been affected by pollution, by bad nutrition growing up, by traces of bcp's in the water supply, etc. The list is rather endless... So far, at least, God has chosen to allow this cross and has not given us a miracle. Meanwhile, we try to accept His will and work towards the healing of our bodies.

Looking at my friends I have seen an interesting phenomenon: We often seem to be taught in the very things that mean the most to us. I have lots of friends who struggle with motherhood.... and are able to have children with ease. I have seen those who don't want the gift of life and are shown its value by losing a child. As for myself... I have always loved children and asked for nothing more than to be a mom. I have also been taught "right where it hurts the most." While I cannot say whether God willed this or allowed this (or if both can be the same thing), I can see some of the value of this lesson taught. It has taken me a long time to truly say "Your will be done" but I am there now, most days... and that is a big thing for me, to give away, freely, the very thing I have always dreamed of. (Many kids.)

I do struggle with bitterness at times. You know, why does God allow this lesson for me but now for so many others? Yet, I do see that most people have their crosses, and I would not want to trade with them, either.

We will not do much outside of testing and vitamins, etc. (No male test outside of the marital bed, that sort of thing.) I am not sure about Clomid. I can see the possible problems with multiples. Other than that, I like what I once heard said: If you have broken pipes, you call a plumber. You don't just sit in front of the sink and pray. So I don't have a problem with medication, really, depending on how it is used. We will not do anything where the child is conceived outside of the marital act.

Whatever the whys behind all this are, I do see value in this also. I join my sufferings with those of Christ's and ask Him to use them for the good of others.

[herent]

Rainy sorry to hear about your BFN and AF showing up right after, thats happened to me before literally after you POAS AF comes.  My AF always seems to rear it's ugly head on holidays, I actually was praying that God would not let my AF show on Christmas, well it did, and before that Thanksgiving uuuugggghhhh!  I'll be praying for extra grace for you this week.

[monkeyscience]

I my dh. While I was snuggling with him and talking about my "barrenness" tonight, he told me that pretty much all of the "hot babes" in the Bible struggled with having children, and he figured I was just like them. I took it as a compliment, though I made him promise not to have any children with maid servants in the meantime. ;)

(I hope no one is offended by this - my dh definitely has a lot of respect for the women of the Bible!)

[lilmom]

Another Christian struggling with secondary infertility over here..actually we struggled the first time too, but through acupuncture and Chinese herbs i did conceive my beautiful son.

I can really only reiterate what others have said here, that it makes it both harder and easier knowing we are on the Lord's time. Especially when it starts to feel like time is running out. Getting older is so hard for me right now, because my dreams of a big family are dwindling, if not totally gone..I wanted to have at least 4 children..now I am 35 and have just one.

I do think the Lord is working on me constantly during this process and I am learning to trust Him for more all the time. I know His grace is perfect, and that His will may not be mine. There may be all sorts of reasons i don't understand yet (or maybe never will) as to why I don't have multiple children already. That doesn't make me feel a whole lot better in the moments when people ask when we are having more, or why we are "waiting"..since we've never been waiting. We've always been hoping and accepting of any child that might come.

I don't know if any of you have experienced this or not, but I got my feelings hurt once when I tried to join a group of QF ladies, who informed me that I am not QF if I am "trying" in any fashion. Well, guess what. I believe God does want me to try for more. My husband and i both feel that way. So, I do not agree that trying constitutes a sin. I am definitely willing to use Clomid or Femara, though I haven't gotten to that point yet. I know I have PCOS and possibly a thyroid issue, so I really think it may be necessary, although currently we are doing acupuncture and charting and praying. Alot of praying!

I am not sure how I feel beyond that really, though DH says he will go all the way up to IVF.

I am curious if anyone else has ever experienced negativity from very fertile Christian ladies?

Praying and hoping for all of you. You are not alone in this struggle. (as you know, of course, but I thought I'd say it again)

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by lilmom 

I don't know if any of you have experienced this or not, but I got my feelings hurt once when I tried to join a group of QF ladies, who informed me that I am not QF if I am "trying" in any fashion.

WOW... Not sure what to say. :( They may feel that way but, frankly, I don't see why it needed to be said to you.

I have been through all kinds of stuff from Christians... First it was the suspicions that we contracept. Little comments here and there: "Isn't it time to have another, " "Your dd could really use a sibling," etc. We got these sort of comments for years. Also many times we were asked if we would like more children, which is, for us, basically the same as saying they suspected we were contracepting. It was really hard to get these comments in the beginning. Now, however, I am very honest when I am asked and we have lots of people praying for us. It seems that most have never heard of secondary infertility, so it comes as a shock when I explain our situation. You know, we only have one child, about to turn 6, but even if we had 4, we might suffer from secondary infertility, and people would just assume we did not want more or something.

The most hurtful comments have also come from Christian friends. One liked to remind me how I got to go to my peaceful home while she had to endlessly run after her kids and try to stop them from fighting. (Ummm... yeah.... sounds like a problem you are having. Not my fault that you struggle with motherhood and it does not mean I would experience things the way you do.) The worst, though, as a mom of many who told me, basically, that it is not right to try to conceive. You know, it might be detrimental to the sactity of the marriage to try every month or something like that. Ooookay... If you have 4 little ones and have never been true anything even remotely close, it might be better to leave the giving of advice to someone else. I just change the topic, normally, although sometimes I do wish I was more temperamental and said something. A hidden sorrow may not look like much of a sorrow to the outside.

BUT, yes, I also have some amazing friends who cry with me and always hope for me. I actually feel sad to think that for some are worried about how to tell me about their pregnancies. I don't want that. Yet, I so much appreciate it when someone is sensitive about it.

Wishing you all peace this weekend. It is a beautiful thought to me that one day we will know why we had to suffer through this.

[monkeyscience]

As far as quiverful moms... I have heard two streams of thought. One is like lilmom described - QF means neither trying nor avoiding. Another stream of thought is that it is right to seek after blessings - that, in fact, God does want us to put our best efforts into receiving all He has to give us. Most QF moms I've talked to fall into that category. (I don't necessarily identify as QF myself... I definitely believe that God should guide our decisions in the number of children we have, but I believe He is capable of giving us individual guidance on that subject, and not everyone is led to abstain from contraception.)

I hate the assumption that we must be using contraception since we're newlyweds. I could go on about that for awhile, but I think I will leave that subject for another day.

[lilmom]

Originally Posted by monkeyscience 

As far as quiverful moms... I have heard two streams of thought. One is like lilmom described - QF means neither trying nor avoiding. Another stream of thought is that it is right to seek after blessings - that, in fact, God does want us to put our best efforts into receiving all He has to give us. Most QF moms I've talked to fall into that category. (I don't necessarily identify as QF myself... I definitely believe that God should guide our decisions in the number of children we have, but I believe He is capable of giving us individual guidance on that subject, and not everyone is led to abstain from contraception.)

I hate the assumption that we must be using contraception since we're newlyweds. I could go on about that for awhile, but I think I will leave that subject for another day.

Aw, Monkeyscience, I hated that assumption when we were newlyweds too. People had no idea that I had had "trouble" my whole life and that I always knew it might be hard to have kids,and they would say things like "Fill that house up with kids, but not yet" and that sort of thing. Or "you need time to yourselves first". It drove me absolutely crazy!

I agree with you that God treats us as the individuals that we are.

LTB, I hate those comments you mentioned as well...the assumption that we have been using contraception since the birth of our son. The "when are you going to try again" kind of questions. I suppose we just live in a society where the norm is to avoid having children, and people assume that we are living in that norm. But when you aren't, it just seems kind of offensive. Especially when you are hurting from all the trying and hoping and not receiving. I too have had friends who didn't want to talk to me about their pregnancy because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. None of this is easy. But I know the Lord is going to provide grace and peace in one way or another for all of us.