Need help with the MIL (kind of long)**UPDATE**

[skylarsmom08]

(Not sure this is in the right spot. Mods feel free to move it if it isn't. )

I informed my mother in law this weekend that I did not want her present for the birth. (We're having a homebirth and she's the most negative person around and is anxious about everything). I wrote it in a letter to her with some other issues that have been bothering me lately.
She works for my husband and was in the office today. A couple of his friends called him asking what was wrong with her--she was acting really weird. Well my husband called her and she wouldn't answer, so he called the office and had them put her on the phone. He asked her what was wrong and she kept saying "nothing" but was really weird to him. He told her that now was time to act like an adult and have a conversation with him...she hung up on him (she's never done that). I know she read the letter and I'm worried my husbands going to mad at me for writing it. (I told him I wrote it and gave him the gist of it).
I should probably give a little backstory...
My First daughter was born May 08. We had her at a birthing center and a couple months before she came I had a heart to heart with my mother in law (who during my ENTIRE pregnancy was telling me that I looked FAT and that I was eating too much and that should I be on a diet...I gained 35 pounds after being slightly underweight when I got pregnant). I told her that I didn't want her there for the labor, and that the first hour after her birth I just wanted it to be me and DH. She was very receptive to it and I thought we were good. Well as soon as my husband told her when I was in labor, she asked when she could come...he kept stalling her and told her I was only 4 cm (when I was like 9) so it'd be a long time. Well just as my daughter came out and my husband was cutting the cord. She barges in to the birthing center (and came right to the side of the tub). I got out of the tub and the midwives were checking me out. My MIL kept asking to hold her (not asking me, but asking the midwives) I didn't discuss my MIL with the midwives beforehand because I didn't think there would be any reason to. Well, my daughter was barely 15 minutes old when they took her out of my arms and gave her to my MIL...who was in another room. I was pissed but so out of it I didn't say anything (i could barely think at that point, I'd been up for 3 days and was exhausted). I think my anger hit full force the next day...I was livid. I had SPECIFICALLY asked her not to come in the first place. About 2 weeks after I finally said something to her (I had barely said 3 words to her since my DD was born). Her response was that I never asked her not to come...WTF?! This is how she operates. If she gets caught doing something she lies or gets defensive and somehow it's never her fault.
Fast forward to the present and I'm 8 months pregnant with our son. I'm still working on my anger with her, but for the sake of my husband and daughter I'm trying to forgive and forget. However, I don't want her at our homebirth, even more so than I didn't want her at the birthing center. This is the letter I sent her yesterday.

Donna,
I'm trying a letter this time because for some reason when I talk to
you face to face, you either forget we had a conversation or ignore it
completely.
First off let me say, thank you for being such a good grandmother to
Skylar and for always being willing to watch her. It lets Troy and I
have some time together and Skylar gets to spend time with you. It's
obvious that she adores you and I think that is awesome. Troy and I
both appreciate you always being there to help us with her.
However, I wish you would put a little effort into our relationship.
Respect, or lack thereof, is the #1 issue with us. There have been
multiple occasions where I've specifically asked you NOT to do
something. I've explained why I don't want you to do it, in hopes that
you would understand and respect my wishes. The biggest example of
this is you showing up at Skylar's birth. I know we talked about this
after Skylar was born but honestly, it's not something I'm going to
forget and every time you ignore my requests for other things, it
makes me think about it.
Doing my dishes is the most recent example. You obviously don't think
it's a big deal, but it bothers me. I've asked you SEVERAL times to
please not do my dishes...don't load my dishwasher and don't unload
it. It's not just you I've asked. I've told Troy and Kate the same
thing. I am extremely finicky when it comes to that so I've politely
asked people to leave it be. I don't understand why you continue to do
it when I've asked you not to. I understand that you want to help, but
ignoring one of my requests in my own house is not the way to help. If
you really want to help, rinse your dishes and put them in the sink.
When you purposely do something that I've asked you not to do it shows
that you have no respect for me.
You obviously know that we are doing a homebirth with Dylan. The
request I had with Skylar is the same this time around, only I hope
you actually respect my wishes on this one.
I do not want you here why I am in labor. Natural childbirth requires
a lot of concentration and relaxation. If you show up, it'll stress me
out and make me extremely angry. If you show up without MY permission,
I will ask you to leave. (I'm not trying to be mean about this, but
this is an issue that I will not budge on)
After a baby is born, there is a couple hour window that is prime time
for bonding and beginning a nursing relationship. Troy, Skylar and I
will be getting to know our new family member and it is a private time
for the 4 of us. AFTER we have had time to get to know him AND I have
gotten a chance to recover a little bit from the birth, you will be
welcome to come over...I will let you know when that time comes.
I think it also needs to be said that there is always the possibility
that I will have to transfer to the hospital, either before the birth
or after. IF this should happen, I expect you to keep your negative
comments to yourself. I will obviously be upset if I have to transfer
and hearing your negative comments will only make me more upset. (In
general, keeping negative comments to yourself is a good practice to
get in the habit of).
I am still extremely upset with how you handled Skylar's birth. I'm
hoping that Dylan's birth will help me forgive and forget. I'm hoping
that by putting this in writing, you will actually respect my wishes
this time. I should probably warn you that not respecting my request
on this matter will negatively impact my relationship with you
indefinitely. This is our last baby, and there will be no do over.
I want you and Dylan to have the same close relationship that you and
Skylar have. You are a great grandmother and our children are lucky to
have you (you are a great mother too and Troy and I are equally as
lucky to have you).
Please know that by me communicating the above to you, I'm hoping to
make our relationship better. I love you and am extremely grateful to
have you in my life. I want us to have a great relationship. That
means that sometimes we need to communicate things to each other that
aren't necessarily the easiest or most pleasant, but if we both
respect each other, it'll make our relationship stronger in the long
run.
I love you!
Daryl

I guess my question is Was I out of line, was I too harsh? Having my ideal homebirth is a big thing for me (this is our last baby )

What would you have done in my situation?

TIA for your advice.

~Daryl



***UPDATE***
So I sent my MIL the letter on Sunday morning. On Monday, I left her a message telling her I know it was hard to receive the letter, but when she's ready, I'd love to talk it over with her.
Well, this morning my husband informs me that she emailed him the letter and she told him he needs to "put me in my place"
No email to me, no call.
She wonders why I have issues with her.

[Youngfrankenstein]

I would be very hurt if I got that letter. I'm not trying to be mean but I can see why it would make her upset or make her feel humiliated.

I don't know your life, but just the comments on doing the dishes seems so heavy handed to me.

I understand why you wouldn't want certain people there while you're laboring at home, but maybe you could have just not called while you were in labor??

[cileag]

It sounds like your MIL has been needing to hear some of these things for a long time, although the letter is a lot to take in all at once. I would expect her to be quite upset and embarrassed for a little while (and reasonably so).

It's already sent, so I'd focus more on what you can do to continue repairing the relationship. It's good to be honest, and to set boundaries, but gently.

The first thing is really to try to let go of your unhappiness about Skylar's birth. I think it's not quite fair to pin so much on your MIL in that situation--the midwives, your husband, yourself---you are all part of how that situation turned out. She was one factor.

In law relationships are hard---good luck!

[skylarsmom08]

Clarification of the dishes thing

I know the dishes part isn't going to make sense...It's something I've asked her not to do EVERY time she's over at my house (which BTW she spends the night every weekend) She'll do the dishes in my sink, but doesn't rinse them or load them right (I am super OCD about my house and how it is cleaned. I'll have panic attacks if things are all messed up) but then she leaves all the dishes she used all over the house and all of her other messes laying around. I've asked her NICELY about 100 times not to do them (she knows how I am). Yet she does it anyways. This is what started the letter for me. She did it again this weekend. I know it sounds really inconsequential but it makes me want to explode.

[stormborn]

No idea about the rest of the issues, but you laid out the birth issue much more nicely than I did with my mil! We had a similar situation with her sense of entitlement ("MY GRANDCHILD!!!!) at our first birth. 8 years later she still moans to people how everyone but her was there, even though my exact words were: "I'm only inviting those that were present at the conception".
SO, ya, she'll probably be hurt but with someone passive aggressive enough to crash a birth and then lie about it....subtle doesn't work.

[texmati]

I just wantedt to say, I hear you on the dishes thing. MIL lives with us ... and I've asked her not to do the dishes. I'm very non- OCD, but she would very passively agressively stand there, do the dishes while muttering under her breath. She'd also put everything up somewhere different each time, so I would have no idea where that pan was the next time I needed it.

We finally told her not to do the dishes, and not to move stuff around. It took a few times, but was so. totally. worth. it.

[frogautumn]

Normally, I wouldn't advocate sending a letter like that because it's so easy to misinterpret a letter, plus it's a one-sided conversation. I know that sometimes, when I'm upset I'll write a letter but won't send it. It helps to process some of my thoughts for when I actually speak to the person.

However, in your situation, I do understand why you sent it. You felt like it was the only way to be heard. After your experience with your last birth, I understand why you couldn't put yourself in the same position again. But now that you've gotten to say your peace, you really have no control over how she processes that information. I imagine she is feeling a little hurt and embarrassed. She sounds like the kind of person that doesn't enjoy examining herself and you've kind of forced her to be in that position. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I would give her a little space and time to work through her feelings in her own way.

[GoldmanBaby09]

Daryl, I get this entirely. I would be extremely mad if my MIL had barged in right after my birth like that, too. Some people just don't get it. My ILs live two miles down the street and didn't get to see our baby until the early evening when he was born at home at 10am. And they only stayed for 10 minutes. My MIL has some real issues with being passive/aggressive and it is getting to the point where I am going to have to be more direct with her, also. It is extremely unfortunate that it has to come to that, but some times you have to do what you have to do to get people to respect your family. Birth is a very intimate event and you have the right to dictate who is there and who isn't. That is part of the joy of homebirth. No strangers in and out, no unwanted guests, you get to call the shots. I hope that your MIL can understand and will repect your wishes regarding this. GL!

[kcparker]

Honestly, this is an area where I think your DH needs to lay down the law with his mama. Part of being a married man is putting your chosen family's needs first, and that often means wrangling one's own parents into line.

I think the letter was sort of harsh, just because there were a lot of 'you' messages, and I think when writing this sort of thing, 'I' messages are best. So, rather than saying "you screwed up last time, and we don't want you here this time, and if you do this, I will be mad at you," it's easier on the recipient to hear "In this situation X, I have certain feelings. Because of these feelings, I need for Y and Z to happen. I know you want this X to go smoothly also, and I am asking for you to help make sure that Y and Z happen."

I think some evasive maneuvers (i.e. don't tell anybody you're in labor, lock and don't answer the door and put a note on it to the effect that unless you are Jesus Christ come back to earth or paramedics who we called, we aren't answering, turn off the phones, etc.) are in order. If she doesn't find out 'til after the birth has happened, she can't crash it.

I would also sit down with DH and have a face-to-face with her to see if she's taken all this on board. Apologize for being harsh, but let her know that this is causing you a lot of anxiety and that you need to know that she understands how things need to be this time around. Have her repeat back to you your reasons for not wanting certain things to happen - "You have OCD and have panic attacks when your house is not in order. This is why you don't like for anyone else to do your dishes." "Troy and Daryl have come to a decision as a couple that this birth is a time for intimacy and family privacy, and they will be very happy to call me and invite me over when they are ready. I should not come over or call before that time." Ask her how she's feeling about the birth -- is she excited, anxious, angry at being left out? What can be done so that EVERYONE feels good about it, rather than having a 'winner and loser' in the situation? I recommend a book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg if you are looking for a guidebook for effective, gentle ways to communicate with obtuse people.

[cileag]

Originally Posted by kcparker

Honestly, this is an area where I think your DH needs to lay down the law with his mama. Part of being a married man is putting your chosen family's needs first, and that often means wrangling one's own parents into line.

I think the letter was sort of harsh, just because there were a lot of 'you' messages, and I think when writing this sort of thing, 'I' messages are best. So, rather than saying "you screwed up last time, and we don't want you here this time, and if you do this, I will be mad at you," it's easier on the recipient to hear "In this situation X, I have certain feelings. Because of these feelings, I need for Y and Z to happen. I know you want this X to go smoothly also, and I am asking for you to help make sure that Y and Z happen."

I think some evasive maneuvers (i.e. don't tell anybody you're in labor, lock and don't answer the door and put a note on it to the effect that unless you are Jesus Christ come back to earth or paramedics who we called, we aren't answering, turn off the phones, etc.) are in order. If she doesn't find out 'til after the birth has happened, she can't crash it.

I would also sit down with DH and have a face-to-face with her to see if she's taken all this on board. Apologize for being harsh, but let her know that this is causing you a lot of anxiety and that you need to know that she understands how things need to be this time around. Have her repeat back to you your reasons for not wanting certain things to happen - "You have OCD and have panic attacks when your house is not in order. This is why you don't like for anyone else to do your dishes." "Troy and Daryl have come to a decision as a couple that this birth is a time for intimacy and family privacy, and they will be very happy to call me and invite me over when they are ready. I should not come over or call before that time." Ask her how she's feeling about the birth -- is she excited, anxious, angry at being left out? What can be done so that EVERYONE feels good about it, rather than having a 'winner and loser' in the situation? I recommend a book called Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg if you are looking for a guidebook for effective, gentle ways to communicate with obtuse people.

What I was trying to say but better! Great advice!

[billikengirl]

I wouldn't apologize for a single thing you said in the letter--I bet that in her mind that will mean you take it all back and she can continue doing what she's doing.

I think you had to send a letter like that spelling out what she may and may not do, because you telling her your wants and needs has never meant anything to her--you tried that with the first baby (and other things) and she just does as she **** well pleases. If she had shown any respect for boundaries, she wouldn't be in a position to receive a letter like that, which, IMO, was not terribly harsh and contained a lot of honesty about the good things she does as well.

[skylarsmom08]

Thanks Ladies

Thank you ladies. I feel bad for upsetting her but I'm the kind of person that will hold things in and then explode on you out of nowhere. I was trying to be more proactive on this situation. I know I'm a little (maybe a lot) harsh (I should have read your advice about I instead of You first).
I tried calling her to apologize for being harsh and hopefully getting a conversation started, but she's not answering. I figure I'll give her a couple days to take it all in and hopefully she'll be ready to talk things out.
Thanks again ladies.

[billikengirl]

Don't let her put you in the position of "having to make things up to her" by bowing to her wishes about being at the birth. I'd leave her a message that says "I understand that was a hard letter to receive, it was unpleasant to have to send, I love you, and I'm looking forward to talking about it when you're ready."

I don't know if she's that kind of MIL, but I'd let mine know she can't expect to rule the world with her hurt feelings.

[skylarsmom08]

Originally Posted by billikengirl

I'd leave her a message that says "I understand that was a hard letter to receive, it was unpleasant to have to send, I love you, and I'm looking forward to talking about it when you're ready."

Thanks. I'm going to copy you word for word on that one. Hope you don't mind

[lastrid]

:

Your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL (and to some extent, DH). I wouldn't apologize or that's going to sound like you take the letter back, which I don't think you want to do. Don't chase her. She needs to deal with this and come to you. I think a phone message like the one above would clarify what you want to happen and then you need to leave it alone for a while until she comes around. Unless she's nuts, she inevitably will.

[HappyMommaBear]

I really understand where you are coming from. I have a great MIL for whom I am very thankful. She is 100% supportive of our home birth, and my parents aren't, so she thinks that means she would be more than welcome at the birth. (not to mention that 5 of her other grandchildren were born at home, and she was present for each of those) She also has the "I'm the Grandmomma" sense of entitlement, which can make things difficult to navigate.
When DS was on the way, she kept asking if she could be at the birth. (also a planned home birth) I finally told her that I only wanted DH, MW and my doula. So her question then was, "but I can be there right? Like, somewhere else in the house?" Come on! Anyway, I finally sent an email out to all of our family saying what our plans were for the birth, including the fact that I didn't want any extra people in the house or yard. She didn't like it, but I think it helped that it was sent to several people so maybe she didn't feel so singled out.
I have had to resort to a letter more than once, because my timid self tends to not be as straightforward and firm when we're actually talking. In a letter, I can get all my thoughts out and she can read them in their entirety before making a response. It just works better for me.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand your frustrations. You need to be straightforward about your desires for this birth. She is the grandmother, but parents overrule everyone else. Period.
That said, I can understand from that letter, why she would be upset. If she's like my MIL, which it sounds like she is, she will probably be embarrassed and somewhat angry for a while, then totally fine again. I hope so at least. And I hope she will respect your wishes for the birth. Good luck!

[HappyMommaBear]

One more thing...

Originally Posted by kcparker

I think some evasive maneuvers (i.e. don't tell anybody you're in labor, lock and don't answer the door and put a note on it to the effect that unless you are Jesus Christ come back to earth or paramedics who we called, we aren't answering, turn off the phones, etc.) are in order. If she doesn't find out 'til after the birth has happened, she can't crash it.

I agree with this totally. DH and I plan not to call anyone, specifically both sets of parents, until the baby is born, checked out and weighed. That way, not only will they not worry, but they will not be tempted to call and interrupt, or stop by or anything of the sort. We will call them, then tell them that we will call again when we are ready for them to come see the baby, and we appreciate them waiting until then to come. (his parents live 10 minutes from us, mine will be a few hours' drive away) We also gave his parents a copy of our birth plan, which outlines very clearly that no one will be called, and that all company should wait until they are invited.
I know this may be difficult or not even an option for you, as they might be your choice of care provider for Skylar. For me though, it was SO important that we not talk to them until the baby arrived, that we racked our brains to find someone else who would take care of DS during the labor even though the ILs were the most immediate choice. That didn't make MIL happy either, but I can't worry about her in this situation, I have to focus 100% on what is best for me and mine. Birth isn't something to mess around with, and I know that if anyone could hinder relaxation, it would be any combination of our parents!! That is not to be ugly, it's just how it is.
We also said in our birth plan, that if other people do need to know that I am in labor, we will keep our phones turned off with any pertinent update info on our outgoing voice mail message. So if they HAVE to call, they don't get mad at not getting an answer, but we still don't have to talk to them.

[Ceili]

It's part of our birth plan that except in the case of an emergency (hospital transfer), no one uses the phone, updates on email or facebook, or answers the door until the placenta is delivered, mom is stitched up (if necessary), and the baby has latched on.

We have a sign for the front door that says "Labor in Progress, Do Not Disturb".

[elle7715]

While the letter could have been worded differently, I certainly understand why you wrote it. ILs are tough to begin with, and to have her do that at your birth was ridiculous and rude. I agree with the posters who said you should keep your labor awi secret if possible. However if she is there already for the weekend or providing childcare that isn't possible. Your DH needs to understand how much this birth means to you and needs to help you form boundaries with her.

DH isn't good about talking to his family about other issues, but luckily he knows what a mama bear I can be about my babies. The only people who we'll tell I'm in labor are those we need for childcare. If any of my ILs are here visiting or find out I'm in labor, DH knows to tell them to leave and/or leave us alone. We've promised to call when the baby is born to let everyone know we're OK, and to make it clear that we'll call again when we're ready for visitors. Phones won't be answered and doors will be locked before then. This goes for the vast majority of my family too. My mom will be watching our kids and lives next door so of course she'll know, but if we didn't need her to watch the kids we'd do the same for her. DH was offended at first, but it helps that we're following the same rules for both sides of the family. It's just harder because his mom/grandmother actually want to be close for the birth and be there immediately after.

[Casha'sMommy]

Originally Posted by skylarsmom08

I know the dishes part isn't going to make sense...It's something I've asked her not to do EVERY time she's over at my house (which BTW she spends the night every weekend) She'll do the dishes in my sink, but doesn't rinse them or load them right (I am super OCD about my house and how it is cleaned. I'll have panic attacks if things are all messed up) but then she leaves all the dishes she used all over the house and all of her other messes laying around. I've asked her NICELY about 100 times not to do them (she knows how I am). Yet she does it anyways. This is what started the letter for me. She did it again this weekend. I know it sounds really inconsequential but it makes me want to explode.

It's so nice to know I have a sister out there! My mil has crossed the line on this one so. many. times. I realize the dishes or vacuuming seems trivial to some but it's a big deal to me. We have a special needs daughter and time has been limited for me. Therefore, some chores don't always get done. Sometimes there are dishes in the sink, sometimes the floors are a day or two late on getting washed, etc. It does not make me feel better or relieved in any way to have someone else do those things for me. It actually makes me feel a little negative for not having found the time to get it done. (I'm huge on time management.)
I have a boundaries crossing mil, too. So, to you and I'm right there with you. The il's live several hours away so mil cannot barge into our birth however, I did have to inform her that she would not be invited to visit for some time. (They stay with us when they visit.) I told her we wouldn't be ready for guests for the first few weeks for certain and we'd have to play it by ear after that. She didn't like what she heard but she knows the line I've drawn and it would not be pretty if she stepped over it, or even got anywhere near it. LOL