or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Multicultural Families › I met a man from Afghanistan (Afghan man?)....can it realistically go anywhere?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

I met a man from Afghanistan (Afghan man?)....can it realistically go anywhere? - Page 2

post #21 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liquesce View Post
Potential red flags here, to be honest.

First, there is no such thing as a "more strict/less strict" dichotomy between Shia and Sunni Muslims. Being one or the other means nothing with regard to a level of being "relaxed" about religion....

With regard to converting ... I can tell you right now if he expects it at best he most likely will be evasive about it, and is likely to say "no" regardless. I'm not trying to make it out like Muslim men are big fat liars; the intentions there are good even if the practice really isn't. IME men who hope their wives convert explicitly do not want their wives to feel like they should do it to make their husbands happy. They want it to come from the heart....

Minimum wage jobs + a long time in the U.S. frequently equals an overstayed tourist visa. If I were you I would want to know his visa status. And I really wouldn't rule out a marriage-for-visa potential if he is overstayed ... it's not always something so easy to find that not having done it before means its not his motivation.

Any good, extremely conservative, by-the-book Muslim man will treat women with the utmost respect.
Yes to all of that, and I say this as a Christian woman married to a Muslim man.

Quote:
I don't think If I married him I would be marrying his family as someone said, because he only has a couple of siblings over here that he sees regularly, the rest of his siblings and parents are all in Afghanistan -so we wouldn't be seeing them unless they came over to visit.
This is just not realistic. He knows that if he says, "So, as soon as I get my green card, I'm inviting my parents, and as soon as I get my citizenship, I'll use it to invite my other relatives, as we are all in a pretty desperate situation over there," most women would run for the hills. He has family. If he's as decent as you say, he will take care of them and they will be a HUGE part of your lives.

Quote:
Quote:
I also need to know how he feels about if he plan to have children someday, if he would want them to be raised as Muslims, because again I wouldn't want that.
Okay, this is the part where I went “stop right there!”
I second that. Just assume that he will want the kids raised Muslim. He is young. Even if he says he'll keep an open mind, that is AT BEST the intoxication of love speaking. If it would be painful for you to see your kids a different religion, imagine that it would also be painful for him.

Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
He has been living over here for 8 years
.
Eh, that’s okay. But not in light of what you wrote below regarding his lack of accomplishments. My dh had been here for 10 years when we got married. He finished 2 Master’s degrees and was almost finished with his Ph.D. dissertation. So in 8 years that was 2 Master’s and all the coursework and exams for his Ph.D. He worked his you-know-what off and accomplished a lot. See more below…
Mine started his own business, which failed, but that happens to most entrepreneurs. We have hope for him. He did this while working on a farm to pay the bills. He joined the army to obtain the bonuses and jump-start a career. In short, he worked really hard (he already had an education, also half a Ph.D. but in the liberal arts so not a lot of job prospects in this economy).

It is hard to get really rich in this country but it's not hard to finish a community college degree and get a job that will progress. I totally agree w/ Umm Zaynab's assessment, unfortunately.
post #22 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
It is hard to get really rich in this country but it's not hard to finish a community college degree and get a job that will progress. I totally agree w/ Umm Zaynab's assessment, unfortunately.
I agree. My DH worked FT and studied FT after coming here, all the while being married to me and having DD along the way. He finished a bachelors degree (in engineering) and is now working on a master's.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn't have much of a work ethic/ambition.
post #23 of 40

Just wanted to add something else.

I have to agree with the previous posters. I would be wary of the situation you describe. But, I want to stress that your and his views can change regarding many things.

I have been in a relationship with a Muslim man for the past 3 and a half years (we will get married when he finishes his Ph.D). The relationship has been a process of growth for us both. Many of our opinions about life in general and married life have changed over the years.

For example, my religion (raised Catholic, non-practicing, but strong, unstructured belief in God) was not an issue at first really, but about a year into the relationship he shared that he would not want to have children with a non-Muslim woman (I was already willing to allow the children to be Muslims). This was, of course, a huge blow. We began to wonder whether entering into the relationship was a bad idea. We talked about it, and decided to go on with the relationship because we really love(d) each other and get along so well. I was of the opinion that I would never, ever convert to Islam at the beginning of our relationship, but since then (although not right after the aforementioned conversation), I have been researching and learning a lot about Islam and intend to convert. I am taking my sweet time because, while conversion may have never crossed my mind had I not met my boyfriend, I don't want to jump hastily, except for God. I am learning and questioning and enjoying the process before I take that important step.

Just as my vision of Islam has transformed dramatically since we met, he has been open and supportive of things that are important to me. I am a huge animal lover and have two dogs (3 when we met- one died). In his culture, dogs are not kept as pets very often, so he was not used to them really. He has since become quite the animal-lover, in general. Taking care of animals, especially those I have chosen to adopt, is such a big part of who I am. He has come to accept that and know that, should we move to his country, the dogs come with us. He was with me when my dog died, and we shed tears together.

I am also vegan (surprise!) and he is not vegetarian. I, in fact, vowed to not date a meat eater, but I guess love conquers all! He has learned a lot about why I choose to eat as I do and is very respectful of that. He has cut his meat consumption down to about once a week, which is huge compared to the fast food junkie he was when I met. I want to stress that I didn't ask him to do this, he did it himself.

I guess what I am saying is that a relationship is a journey and the very harsh opinions you have today may not last. You can't ask someone to change for you, but they might. I don't think my bf will ever entirely stop eating meat, for example, but he's well aware that it will be his job to cook it when we live together one day. We try to be open and honest about our expectations of each other. We are from differently places and are well aware. I have had to make compromises, just as he has. Just be aware that, even if the guy you are dating seems to be "westernized enough" for you, there will be issues that arise and compromises you will both have to make. It's not that this relationship "can't work," it's whether you are willing to make it work.

All that said, if bf and I argued or didn't get along so well, the compromises might not come so easy.

Good luck in what you decide. Even if this guy is not "the one," don't discount a multicultural relationship.
post #24 of 40
Thread Starter 
Thanks for all your words of wisdom! I have come to agree there are too many "red flags" in this situation, it doesn't feel like it could really work. I think I knew that all along, but I needed someone else to tell me....to know it wasn't just me being afraid of a relationship or making excuses. I will have to speak to him soon and tell him my thoughts. I am disappointed because there's a lot I like about his personality, but he just isn't the right one for me. I really appreciate all the information given here, thanks again.
post #25 of 40
Thread Starter 

We talked about it some

I spoke to afghan boyfriend last night on the phone and asked a couple things. His answers have me all confused again! He said he was hoping I would want to convert to Islam in the future, but that it wouldn't bother him if I didn't. When I told him I wouldn't, he said he doesn't care what religion I am, that he wants to be with me for who I am, not what religion I may be.

About having children, he said he would want them raised as muslim if we were both muslims ourselves, but since he knows I don't have any desire to convert now or in the future, he said as long as I take them to a christian church and they are raised with a religion so they grow up with good morals, then he doesn't mind that. Then he said when they are old enough they can choose if they want to follow my religion or his...and I pointed out what about when they are too young to choose, and I want to take them to my church, that might upset him? or if he wants to take him to the muslim place of worship, that might upset me...and his answer was it wouldn't matter to him.

He even said if we were together a long time he would be willing to convert from muslim to christian! -Ofcourse I told him he shouldn't change religion because of his partner.

So now I'm not really sure what to think about all that stuff. He also said his last girlfriend was Catholic, and it didn't cause any problems between them, so why should it with us. :
post #26 of 40
You say your family are "strict" Christians. What about you?

As a committed Christian I would be wary of marrying someone of another religion. I also wouldn't want anyone to convert to Christianity for me- it should be because they believe.

Regardless of whether he says that HE would be OK with you being Christian and him being Muslim and the kids being raised Christian - Are YOU OK with it? What do you want for a future marriage? If you are committed enough to Christianity that you would want your children to be raised Christian, then you should want a Christian partner as well. This partner will help you in leading the spiritual development of your children, will be on the same page as to Christian education, and will pattern a Christian relationship for your children. There is significant value in having a partner that you can pray with, that you know is praying for you, and that is united in your beliefs about Jesus.

And frankly, he's being very clear about what he truly wants. He says he wants a Muslim wife who would raise their children Muslim. He's kind of sugarcoated and said, "well.....I could compromise." but whether he will be able to be truly happy with a Christian wife and Christian children will remain unseen until you guys start your family.

My advice is to think seriously about what you want for your future family and for your marriage.

If none of this matters to you then just ignore what I'm saying...I just thought I'd throw it out there as food for thought.
post #27 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by samy23 View Post
He even said if we were together a long time he would be willing to convert from muslim to christian!
First, his parents and family will NEVER let him convert. While he is in the USA and the parents are there, you are seeing just a tiny bit of the parent/child bond. But once he gets a green card (I am guessing here that there is no green card yet) he will go home to visit them, and catch an enormous guilt trip for shaming the family by converting.

Next, as Tradd has hinted at, there may be one set of morals and expectations for a dating situation, another set for marriage. When children come along, he will want to recreate his own upbringing - which could include spanking, circumcision, lack of religious choice for the children, and a non-equal marriage. The openness you are seeing now is not what you will get in marriage.

Next, if you have children together and the marriage does not work out, what prevents him from taking the kids to Afghanistan and not coming back? This will be your nightmare every time there is a major argument over something.

Finally, he is working minimum wage jobs. If you combine households, you can expect to pay $3-5000 for lawyer fees to get a green card (much much more if there are problems with his current status.) Additionally, combined households will free up some of his minimum wage income. How will you feel about him sending a big part of his income to support his parents and siblings, while you are working overtime to pay for his lawyer expenses? This is a real possibility.
post #28 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by samy23 View Post
I spoke to afghan boyfriend last night on the phone and asked a couple things. His answers have me all confused again! He said he was hoping I would want to convert to Islam in the future, but that it wouldn't bother him if I didn't. When I told him I wouldn't, he said he doesn't care what religion I am, that he wants to be with me for who I am, not what religion I may be.

About having children, he said he would want them raised as muslim if we were both muslims ourselves, but since he knows I don't have any desire to convert now or in the future, he said as long as I take them to a christian church and they are raised with a religion so they grow up with good morals, then he doesn't mind that. Then he said when they are old enough they can choose if they want to follow my religion or his...and I pointed out what about when they are too young to choose, and I want to take them to my church, that might upset him? or if he wants to take him to the muslim place of worship, that might upset me...and his answer was it wouldn't matter to him.

He even said if we were together a long time he would be willing to convert from muslim to christian! -Ofcourse I told him he shouldn't change religion because of his partner.

So now I'm not really sure what to think about all that stuff. He also said his last girlfriend was Catholic, and it didn't cause any problems between them, so why should it with us. :
Uhh... I see a lot of contradictions in this. On the one hand he hoped you would convert and would want his kids raised Muslim "if you were both Muslims" and in the next sentence he says oh what the heck, maybe I'll convert to Christianity? It doesn't seem to me like this guy really knows what he wants or he may just be changing his story to tell you what you want to hear. I guess you should ask yourself if you want to be with somebody who thinks that it's okay to change religion like changing clothes or moving to a different city. What are good morals? Obviously this guy does not have good morals according to Islam because he's got girlfriends and I don't know what else. I won't pry into more about his personal behavior and your relationship with him (if you get my drift) but you should ask yourself, if he doesn't set limits for himself as a Muslim would he do so as a Christian? Does that make sense?

Maybe you would be better off at a church singles event and finding a Christian guy like you?

All the religion stuff aside, however, which I think has been thorughly discussed, at the risk of I still don't see you seriously considering the more important points that have been raised regarding his ability to be a suitable, dependable partner. I have not seen you address the issue of

1) His work/educational history which tells a lot about his TRUE CHARACTER (something different from the surface personality he projects to you). This is his personal track record of what he DOES with his life that is not going to change. In most Muslim cultures guys are supposed to spend their single time making themselves financially stable and worthy for marriage. But if he (or any guy, for that matter... this is "Relationship 101" stuff here) takes 3 years and can't even pass a basic English course now, what makes you think he will suddenly find the ability to do it-- and take classes in English toward a degree, and get a higher-paying job and be a hands-on father and fix the car on the weekends, and do all the things that husbands/fathers do-- after marriage?!

2) His immigration status. I think it was Sleepless Mommy who made another good point about who will pay for the immigration lawyer fees. You don't necessarily need a lawyer if you have a clean record and all your ducks in a row (we never used one because dh's case was straightforward) but... it honestly doesn't sound to me like your DP is likely to have a strong/easy case. And in case you are unaware, when Liquesce mentioned the possibility of an "overstayed tourist visa" make no mistake that "overstaying" is not as benign as it sounds-- it is breaking the law and if that is the case, it means he is here illegally and WILL be deported before being allowed to re-APPLY with no guarantees of re-admittance. In my friend's case her DH thought that by marrying an American citizen he could get his deportation order delayed/overturned. He was dead wrong and it has been 2 years of going through the re-application process and he is still getting the runaround from ICE. That's why I said to never make assumptions. You need to get the exact TYPE of visa he says he's here on. I don't know if there's a way to check if he's telling the truth about it or not, but visa codes are usually Letter-Number like F1 or B1 or H1. If he was on an F1 or H1 student visa, for example, and dropped out of school or is not taking the required number of credits, then he is violating and almost certainly will be deported no matter what. He can't be on the technical worker visa because that's not what he's doing for work. Sooo... what is he doing then?

In this light, what worries me about his wishy-washiness on the religion/kids issue is not so much that he is wishy-washy on religion but that he seems to just want to tell you what you want to hear. Which could signal that he wants to jump into a marriage with somebody for immigration purposes. In all honesty, you have the right to flat-out ask (as I did to my dh when we were discussing marriage) "Are you a citizen?" and if not then "Why not?" Again, if he is offended by the question and you guys are discussing marriage, then he probably has something to hide.

3) I also have not heard anything about how well he can function in this country with Americans/American culture. Again, I stress, if most of his friends are of his culture and he does not work well with people who are Americans, and he can't pass an English class 3 times in a row, then how on earth can he be expected to successfully be in a multicultural relationship with an American?!?! Maybe you should search the archives of this group some more and see some of the conflicts that people have with their spouses even when there is a common religion/belief system/value system. Somebody who has made little to no attempt to integrate into society and learn how to respectfully navigate stressful situations in the new country's culture will NOT, IMO, be able to do so in a marriage.

And of course, I would not take HIS word on his relationship with his last girlfriend. Who knows what the real situation is there. Again, why is he chasing after American women when he doesn't have American guy friends? It would be so much easier to find an Afghan woman. But the ones who are here who are willing to marry a person of a low socio-economic background are also immigrants like him, see... and he probably can't get a bride from "back home" because he is probably not of an immigration status where he can bring anyone over himself. IME, the lower-class guys who are here and who are honest and who have good immigration standing and live mostly in an ethnic enclave marry women from their own cultural backgrounds. They may struggle to make ends meet for their family, but they do the best they can. They don't go chasing after American women. And when I have seen them married to American women, they are freeloaders. We PERSONALLY know people like this. So you really need to ask yourself these questions about him!!!

Frankly, you seem kind of naiive about this whole situation. See, in our relgious culture, the partners in marriage have their families or non-family "guardians" appointed by the community to ask these kinds of tough questions for a reason. Personality can change. Of course when you're dating he's going to treat you nicely and tell you what you want to hear. I have read a lot lately about how sad the dating scene is and that many men want you in bed with them from the first date and don't wnat to hear about marriage. If that's true, I can understand that a guy with a more traditional/conservative upbringing has a lot of appeal because he may not be interested in a sexual relationship outside of marriage (or at least, he shouldn't be!) and he is probably more open to marriage talk. But I remember hearing of a book (maybe it was by that Dr. Laura radio woman?) called "10 Stupid Things Women do to Mess up Their Lives" or something like that... if I wrote that book I would put "marrying low-achieving foreign men with questionable immigration status" as one of them.
post #29 of 40
Did a bit of searching and found this page that gives the name and code number of visas. Obviously doesn't begin to give you all the information you would need about each visa and its rules, but is a decent jumping-off point. You might want to ask your DP "what kind of visa are you on?" then see if his explanation and what is listed here match up.



http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/usc...0048f3d6a1RCRD

One note though is that this list doesn't seem to include special visas given to those who are brought here as refugees in a sense because they worked for US military in Afghanistan and Iraq and are put in danger. But if your dp has been here for 8 years, he might not be one of those. hth.
post #30 of 40
i am from asia. closer to the middle east.

a lot has been said. but this is what stood out for me.

the biggest red flag to me was him hanging out mainly with his buddies yet seeking gfs from outside. a one upmanship. hey watch i got a white gf.

the reason why i say my ethnic background is that i am single and yet i would not touch a man from my background who hangs out with mostly his ethnic people. even the sweetest nicest guy hangs on to parts of social norms that i have long rejected. when they say they are open i believe them. yes they are open now. but not after marriage.

immigrants who mostly hang out with their own kind (no matter where they are from, no matter what religion they are) are usually hanging on to their own traditional norms from back home too.

i live in a v. diverse area and have spoken to many, many immigrants from all over the world. we all speak the same language.

it isnt so bad here as it is say in great britain esp. with middle easterners and the indian subcontinent.

there are too many inconsistencies right now in your early dating scene. i wouldnt consider investing in what could end up in big trouble or at least a lot fo heartache.
post #31 of 40
OP, why are you wasting your time like this?

What is the appeal here? Even if you are not practicing your faith right now, you yourself admit that pretty much you consider yourself a Christian and you want your children to be Christian, period. If that's the case, fine, but don't toy around with non-Christian men when you know right from the start that you are setting EVERYONE (you, him, and all of your children) up for heartbreak and difficulty.

Have you had a lot of experience dating? Is your family pressuring you (unwittingly or not) to get married? Do you feel like you're running out of time to get married and have children? It's not like there aren't tons of single Christian men out there. (though admittedly, many of them make the same sort of boneheaded mistake of "missionary" or "we'll work it out after we have kids" dating.) If this man only hangs out with Afghan friends, in what context did you meet? Online? Work?

I get that it's scary to let go of this relationship. But sometimes you do need to let some things go. It's not that you're a horrible person or that he is--sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone we care about is to head problems off at the pass so that we don't make their lives a total hell when the children come along.

Which means that both you AND he would have to get real. And you'd also have to come to terms with the fact that talking about something as instinctual as religion prior to kids is often a very different ballgame than once the children ARE here, and the partner who "didn't care" is having every instinct rubbed in their face and watching their culture disappear in their children's lives.

I think you need to look really carefully as to why you are willing to violate your religion's rules (there is a prohibition against marrying unbelievers), why you are willing to risk your children's home stability and happiness. Surely there must be a big payoff that you're expecting. You need to look at that very closely and see if it's realistic, as well as worth the risk.
post #32 of 40
Did not read other answers. WAnted to answer "cold".

Quote:
Originally Posted by samy23 View Post
I spoke to afghan boyfriend last night on the phone and asked a couple things. His answers have me all confused again!
Bad sign. Why would you be confused? If he's trying to confuse (vs. just being vague) then he is trying to hide something.

Quote:
He said he was hoping I would want to convert to Islam in the future, but that it wouldn't bother him if I didn't.
Lie. There is a lie in there somewhere. Either he wants a Muslim wife (nothing wrong with that) or he doesn't. He probably does. If he does but says he doesn't, that's really bad.

Quote:
About having children, he said he would want them raised as muslim if we were both muslims ourselves, but since he knows I don't have any desire to convert now or in the future, he said as long as I take them to a christian church and they are raised with a religion so they grow up with good morals, then he doesn't mind that.
Again, best case scenario, he himself is naive. Why would he want / allow his children following a religion that is tantamount to blasphemy (Jesus as God being blasphemy (technically there is no blasphemy per se in Islam but this is the closest word I have for it in English) in Islam)?

A decent Muslim man would be honest about his expectations. Even my BIL told my now-SIL that if she was going to date him and get into a serious relationship, she needed to know that the kids would be raised in his tradition and she'd be asked to wear traditional (vs. modern) clothes. And they are both Muslims!

Quote:
Then he said when they are old enough they can choose if they want to follow my religion or his...and I pointed out what about when they are too young to choose, and I want to take them to my church, that might upset him? or if he wants to take him to the muslim place of worship, that might upset me...and his answer was it wouldn't matter to him.
Bravo to you for asking the tough questions. It's so important before bringing kids into it not to glaze over this stuff. Again, don't get me wrong, there's NOTHING wrong with raising a child Muslim, but you want to know whether you will beforehand.

Quote:
He even said if we were together a long time he would be willing to convert from muslim to christian! -Ofcourse I told him he shouldn't change religion because of his partner
.

This is bizarre. I'm having a hard time believing he really could mean this. He would leave Islam???

???

Believe it or not, that's not a good sign. I mean, imagine if a Christian or Buddhist guy were feeding this line to a Muslim girl... you'd be like, "Oh, honey, this guy is full of it or worse."

Quote:
So now I'm not really sure what to think about all that stuff. He also said his last girlfriend was Catholic, and it didn't cause any problems between them, so why should it with us. :
To me, it comes down to his relationship with his mom.

The way he treats his mom is the way he'll treat you, more or less. If he doesn't treat her with the absolute minimum of respect required in his culture (phone calls, remittances) then he's not going to treat you with respect.

Really.

It's not Islam, it's not Afghanistan, it's this guy. He is obviously telling you want he thinks you want to hear, either because he's smitten (but he's going too far), he wants to get you in bed, or he wants to get you in the immigration office.

How come we can see it when you can't see it so clearly?

Mainly because we know Central/South Asian guys and also because we've seen these relationships, like UmmZaynab said! They *do* follow a pattern.
post #33 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdnaMarie View Post
It's not Islam, it's not Afghanistan, it's this guy.
yup yup YUP!!!!!!
post #34 of 40
Thread Starter 
I haven't met his friends yet, but I have seen him out with them. I don't think he has any female friends, and since he doesn't go to the muslim place of worship maybe that's why he hasn't found a muslim or Afghan girlfriend. He also seems the shy quiet type. I did actually say maybe it would be better if he was with a Muslim woman instead, to which he replied "No" like he really didn't want that.

Do you think it could be that he really isn't bothered about being Muslim? That's what it's sounding like to me. For one, he said he isn't a practising muslim. -He prays and doesn't eat pork, that's all he said he does. Secondly, although he said he would prefer me to be Muslim, straight after that he said he really doesn't care what religion I am. Thirdly he said he would even consider converting to Christianity, anyone serious about their religion surely wouldn't say that! Oh and fourthly he doesn't mind what religion his future child/ren are brought up as, as long as they are brought up with a religion.

I did ask him about the whole visa subject, to which he replied he has citizenship and never has to leave. -I need to find out more about that. Could he have been granted citizenship or Asylum or whatever it's called, due to how dangerous it was in Afghanistan when he left there? That would make sense.

I also will ask him about his family who are back over there, if they are going to try to come here, what sort of contact he has with them, if he sends money, if he plans on going back to see them or what.

EdnaMarie unfortunately I can't see what his relationship is like with his mom as she still lives in Afghanistan. He's told me he misses his family and his mom was very protective of him, sounds like they had a close relationship.
post #35 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by samy23 View Post
For one, he said he isn't a practising muslim. -He prays and doesn't eat pork, that's all he said he does.
Praying is the basically the highest dediction in Islam that there is. If he prays, he IS in fact a practicing Muslim. I just can't believe that a man who prays doesn't want his family to be muslims too. It's contradictory to the religion (the father is the family's religious leader).

This guy is trying to pull a fast one on you. I'm sorry.
post #36 of 40
samy for someone who still prays i am sure he is going to have a hard time with seeing his wife from another religion, his children practise another religion. in that culture, religion is not just religion but a way of life. he probably does not realise it himself. and what he is telling you he really thinks he means it. but marriage changes everything.

another red flag is the closeness to his family. his mother even from a distance could have a pretty strong detrimental effect on the marriage. i grew up in that culture. his mom/family is much more stronger now just coz of the distance than ever. in my culture an individual never maries just an individual. its a marriage of families. he just cant take that part ouit of it. he may be supportive of you and try to be there for you. however if her mom disagrees he will be extremely torn and it will definitely impact the marriage. i have seen this far too often sadly enough.
post #37 of 40
It sounds like you are really smiitten with this guy, but realistically, I don't see how it can grow into a real relationship. It seems to me that he is just telling you what you want to hear. How long have you been dating him? It seems odd to me that you haven't met any of his friends. Also, as someone else stated if he prays then he is practicing. So for him to tell you that religion doesnt matter seems very decietful. I think that him telling you that he would convert to Christianity is a load of bull too. It sounds like he is just saying what you want to hear. Why would a practicing Muslim convert just for a girl? You have alreasy stated that you wouldn't even consider converting to Islam for him. I hate to say this, but he kind of sounds like one of those guys who comes to the states and sows his wild oats with American girls for a while but then has his family find a good girl from his country when he is ready to settle down.
post #38 of 40
You do sound pretty determined to find reasons why this guy is ok, the glaring, non-dissipating red flags notwithstanding. So really, best of luck to you ... I hope everything works out for the best. But, as a previous poster said, I hope too that if it doesn't, and if you start to feel like you got something other than what you expected, you do remember what was said here and that you don't become one of those women who feel like they have a tale to tell about Muslim men in general.
post #39 of 40
As a woman who witnessed my mother's 2nd marriage to a relatively new immigant Muslim man, I would say that most odds are against you. Her relationship ended catastrophically. She died broke, heartbroken and alone.
As a woman who has seen all of the red flags in love and jumped in anyway, I would say "Good Luck". We make our choices despite what others say anyway.
post #40 of 40
Quote:
Originally Posted by samy23 View Post
I don't think he has any female friends
See, I find that odd. Most men I know, including Afghan men, have female friends if they have traveled. The only ones who don't are very, very conservative.


Quote:
He also seems the shy quiet type. I did actually say maybe it would be better if he was with a Muslim woman instead, to which he replied "No" like he really didn't want that.
Did you ask why? I know my own husband would love a Muslim woman. He made a mistake and married me. (He doesn't say that. He says that he has faith I'll convert, though I told him from the beginning that it's NEVER going to happen... I thought that meant he accepted me... it meant he wasn't listening.)



Quote:
Do you think it could be that he really isn't bothered about being Muslim
Guys aren't bothered about much when they think there's a chance at getting laid.

Quote:
For one, he said he isn't a practising muslim. -He prays and doesn't eat pork, that's all he said he does.
Well, that's more than a lot of practicing Muslims I know! Most of them pray erratically if at all. And some "cultural Muslims" do eat pork. Frankly, I would believe someone was not practicing if s/he ate pork.

Quote:
Thirdly he said he would even consider converting to Christianity, anyone serious about their religion surely wouldn't say that!
Unless he thought it wasn't a sin to lie to someone who isn't a Muslim, which an uneducated, lazy-minded Muslim (or person of any religion) might think.


"Oh and fourthly he doesn't mind what religion his future child/ren are brought up as, as long as they are brought up with a religion."

Believe me: I am in a relationship that started with these words. It can change. Unless you are prepared to have them raised Muslim, don't get into it.

Quote:
I did ask him about the whole visa subject, to which he replied he has citizenship and never has to leave. -I need to find out more about that. Could he have been granted citizenship or Asylum or whatever it's called, due to how dangerous it was in Afghanistan when he left there? That would make sense.
Yes, he could have, or for any number of other reasons.

Quote:
EdnaMarie unfortunately I can't see what his relationship is like with his mom as she still lives in Afghanistan. He's told me he misses his family and his mom was very protective of him, sounds like they had a close relationship.
Here's part of his relationship: They are shooting freaking rockets in Kandahar and Herat, the American army is going house to house in some cities, and the tribesmen still drag girls out and stone them (yes, this happens WEEKLY in Afghanistan, not so much in the north but in the south and west it does all the time), and your friend has citizenship which means he can invite his parents and all his siblings over on green cards, but he's not doing it.

In other words, he could give them the gift of life itself and he's not?

And he's not sending money.

That is his relationship. That says a lot!!!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Multicultural Families
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Multicultural Families › I met a man from Afghanistan (Afghan man?)....can it realistically go anywhere?