Originally Posted by samy23
I spoke to afghan boyfriend last night on the phone and asked a couple things. His answers have me all confused again! He said he was hoping I would want to convert to Islam in the future, but that it wouldn't bother him if I didn't. When I told him I wouldn't, he said he doesn't care what religion I am, that he wants to be with me for who I am, not what religion I may be.
About having children, he said he would want them raised as muslim if we were both muslims ourselves, but since he knows I don't have any desire to convert now or in the future, he said as long as I take them to a christian church and they are raised with a religion so they grow up with good morals, then he doesn't mind that. Then he said when they are old enough they can choose if they want to follow my religion or his...and I pointed out what about when they are too young to choose, and I want to take them to my church, that might upset him? or if he wants to take him to the muslim place of worship, that might upset me...and his answer was it wouldn't matter to him.
He even said if we were together a long time he would be willing to convert from muslim to christian! -Ofcourse I told him he shouldn't change religion because of his partner.
So now I'm not really sure what to think about all that stuff. He also said his last girlfriend was Catholic, and it didn't cause any problems between them, so why should it with us.
I see a lot of contradictions in this. On the one hand he hoped you would convert and would want his kids raised Muslim "if you were both Muslims" and in the next sentence he says oh what the heck, maybe I'll convert to Christianity? It doesn't seem to me like this guy really knows what he wants or he may just be changing his story to tell you what you want to hear. I guess you should ask yourself if you want to be with somebody who thinks that it's okay to change religion like changing clothes or moving to a different city. What are good morals? Obviously this guy does not have good morals according to Islam because he's got girlfriends and I don't know what else. I won't pry into more about his personal behavior and your relationship with him (if you get my drift) but you should ask yourself, if he doesn't set limits for himself as a Muslim would he do so as a Christian? Does that make sense?
Maybe you would be better off at a church singles event and finding a Christian guy like you?
All the religion stuff aside, however, which I think has been thorughly discussed, at the risk of
I still don't see you seriously considering the more important points that have been raised regarding his ability to be a suitable, dependable partner. I have not seen you address the issue of
1) His work/educational history which tells a lot about his TRUE CHARACTER (something different from the surface personality he projects to you). This is his personal track record of what he DOES with his life that is not going to change. In most Muslim cultures guys are supposed to spend their single time making themselves financially stable and worthy for marriage. But if he (or any guy, for that matter... this is "Relationship 101" stuff here) takes 3 years and can't even pass a basic English course now, what makes you think he will suddenly find the ability to do it-- and take classes in English toward a degree, and get a higher-paying job and be a hands-on father and fix the car on the weekends, and do all the things that husbands/fathers do-- after marriage?!
2) His immigration status. I think it was Sleepless Mommy who made another good point about who will pay for the immigration lawyer fees. You don't necessarily need a lawyer if you have a clean record and all your ducks in a row (we never used one because dh's case was straightforward) but... it honestly doesn't sound to me like your DP is likely to have a strong/easy case. And in case you are unaware, when Liquesce mentioned the possibility of an "overstayed tourist visa" make no mistake that "overstaying" is not as benign as it sounds-- it is breaking the law and if that is the case, it means he is here illegally and WILL be deported before being allowed to re-APPLY with no guarantees of re-admittance. In my friend's case her DH thought that by marrying an American citizen he could get his deportation order delayed/overturned. He was dead wrong and it has been 2 years of going through the re-application process and he is still getting the runaround from ICE. That's why I said to never make assumptions. You need to get the exact TYPE of visa he says he's here on. I don't know if there's a way to check if he's telling the truth about it or not, but visa codes are usually Letter-Number like F1 or B1 or H1. If he was on an F1 or H1 student visa, for example, and dropped out of school or is not taking the required number of credits, then he is violating and almost certainly will be deported no matter what. He can't be on the technical worker visa because that's not what he's doing for work. Sooo... what is he doing then?
In this light, what worries me about his wishy-washiness on the religion/kids issue is not so much that he is wishy-washy on religion but that he seems to just want to tell you what you want to hear. Which could signal that he wants to jump into a marriage with somebody for immigration purposes. In all honesty, you have the right to flat-out ask (as I did to my dh when we were discussing marriage) "Are you a citizen?" and if not then "Why not?" Again, if he is offended by the question and you guys are discussing marriage, then he probably has something to hide.
3) I also have not heard anything about how well he can function in this country with Americans/American culture. Again, I stress, if most of his friends are of his culture and he does not work well with people who are Americans, and he can't pass an English class 3 times in a row, then how on earth can he be expected to successfully be in a multicultural relationship with an American?!?! Maybe you should search the archives of this group some more and see some of the conflicts that people have with their spouses even when there is a common religion/belief system/value system. Somebody who has made little to no attempt to integrate into society and learn how to respectfully navigate stressful situations in the new country's culture will NOT, IMO, be able to do so in a marriage.
And of course, I would not take HIS word on his relationship with his last girlfriend. Who knows what the real situation is there. Again, why is he chasing after American women when he doesn't have American guy friends? It would be so much easier to find an Afghan woman. But the ones who are here who are willing to marry a person of a low socio-economic background are also immigrants like him, see... and he probably can't get a bride from "back home" because he is probably not of an immigration status where he can bring anyone over himself. IME, the lower-class guys who are here and who are honest and who have good immigration standing and live mostly in an ethnic enclave marry women from their own cultural backgrounds. They may struggle to make ends meet for their family, but they do the best they can. They don't go chasing after American women. And when I have seen them married to American women, they are freeloaders. We PERSONALLY know people like this. So you really need to ask yourself these questions about him!!!
Frankly, you seem kind of naiive about this whole situation. See, in our relgious culture, the partners in marriage have their families or non-family "guardians" appointed by the community to ask these kinds of tough questions for a reason. Personality can change. Of course when you're dating he's going to treat you nicely and tell you what you want to hear. I have read a lot lately about how sad the dating scene is and that many men want you in bed with them from the first date and don't wnat to hear about marriage. If that's true, I can understand that a guy with a more traditional/conservative upbringing has a lot of appeal because he may not be interested in a sexual relationship outside of marriage (or at least, he shouldn't be!) and he is probably more open to marriage talk. But I remember hearing of a book (maybe it was by that Dr. Laura radio woman?) called "10 Stupid Things Women do to Mess up Their Lives" or something like that... if I wrote that book I would put "marrying low-achieving foreign men with questionable immigration status" as one of them.