Thinking about putting the kids in school...scared!

[freestyler]

We've been HSing since the beginning, and we have five kids ages five months through eleven years. The 11-yr-old is clamoring to go to school. And to tell you the truth, I'm feeling very burned out with having the kids around all the time. Their charter school (2 full days a week) starts in September, but it's waaaayy too long to wait.

There is a year-round school nearby that I hear is pretty nice. The three older kids (1st, 4th and 6th grades) could start on WEDNESDAY!! SOON! It would be the end of an era for us. I would grieve the end of HSing, but at this point, I have SO little to offer them at home, and we are all under-stimulated and BORED, and the kids bicker so much, that I think it almost (almost) might be a good change. With five kids, going anywhere is a circus and I'm sick of dragging them around and keeping them entertained all the time. And when they are not entertained, they bicker endlessly. The two younger ones (3 and 6) play together nicely, but our 9 YO DS needles the crap out of our 11-yr-old DD. She just sits in her room and reads all the time (and is bored I think) and DS goes around starting fights because he is bored too.

I need a certain number of hours a day just to prepare food and do all the housework (laundry, bills, etc.), just to stay on top of everything and make sure everyone is fed well. And I also need some time to myself. I don't WANT to spend every waking minute with the kids. Arrrggghh. We're all bored and there is not much to do here except go to the pool. Which we have been doing. Three times a DAY.

What do you think? I feel like a quitter for thinking about giving up HSing, but HSing is so darned lame at this point for us. It amounts to: Gads, how WILL we pass the time until swim practice this afternoon???

And their 2-day-a-week charter school, it's not too great. Socially or academically. My son is bored and the kids are not challenged in general. And since it is not a neighborhood school, the kids never see their friends outside of the charter school.

Please, reassure me that I will not ruin my kids by doing PS! I'm so scared of this big change. Scared of having them sitting at a desk all day with no recess. Scared of school yard bullies. Scared of the homework load. Scared of feeling like someone else owns and controls my kids (when they are learning just fine on their own and I tend towards unschooling anyway.) Scared of school shootings a little bit too (seriously. Please don't laugh.). Scared of just everything unfamiliar. I have even thought about just sending the older two and letting my little one (6 YO) stay home until around fourth grade. She LOVES to be with her little sister and baby brother and I really value their time together.

Or maybe I should just hold out for the charter? I dunno. I've changed my mind like 500 times, depending on how my kids are getting along that day, the weather, the time of day, how busy I am personally, etc.....Call me MIss Fickle right now.

[LynnS6]

Well, I'm not a home-schooler or even a wanna-be home-schooler, so I may not be the right person to allay your fears.

I'm very happy our ds is going to public school. It's a fairly traditional public school, and yes, I'd prefer something less traditional. But ds has thrived. And ds is a sensitive, introverted kid.

Why I like our public school:
1. It's a neighborhood school, so we see the kids from his class other places too. Socially, this has been a real blessing for ds.
2. Ds is exposed to a whole range of kids that our family simply doesn't interact with socially. It's not that we avoid them, but my professor circles don't include a lot of low-income, immigrant families. I think this has led to some real compassion and understanding for ds.
3. The principal is excellent. She has her priorities straight. Class-size is excellent. Discipline issues are nearly non-existent.
4. The experience has stretched ds in ways that I could never do. He was a kangaroo and did a kangaroo hop dance on stage in front of the whole school and all the parents last year. I can't get him to even go watch drama camp at church!
5. Other people are much better at teaching ds than I am. I'm a good teacher of adults. I suck at teaching my kids.

Things that could be better:
1. Academics could be more challenging for bright kids like ds (it's too early to tell for dd).
2. Resources are limited and so there isn't as much enrichment as I'd like.
3. The daily homework is pretty lame. BUT, it takes ds about 10 minutes tops.

But, truth be told, most of what kids get out of school they bring into it. Meaning if you have a child who has parents who reinforce learning at home, who expose children to a range of ideas and experiences, they'll do fine.

I suspect if you look at the statistics, more kids die each year of pneumonia than school shootings. Things like school shootings ARE scary, but part of the reason they catch our attention is that they're so unusual and so horrifying. Schools are also becoming better about prevention. Heck, ds' school does fire drills, lock down drills and earthquake drills. I think the possibility of an earthquake scares me much more than the possibility of a school intruder.

Bullying is also an issue in some schools, I won't deny that. You'd have to really keep an eye on your kids and see how they're doing. That's the down side to being in a group of kids. The up side can be that they can also get in with a great group of kids and do really well. You just don't know until you try.

So that's probably my bottom line: If your kids want to go, if you're willing to do it for a year to see how it goes, why not? You could keep your 6 yo home and home school her. She doesn't have the intense social needs that your 11 and 9 year olds have. That would also give her a chance to be the 'big' sister and play a different role while they are gone.

[kathymuggle]

I am a HSer, and here are my thoughts:

You want to send your kids to school, your kids want to go to school - send them. If it doesn't work out -withdraw them. This is something you are trying, not signing up for life. Give it a shot.

Good luck, mama!

Kathy

PS - just reread post. You could keep the 6 year old home if that is what you both want. Be flexible. You said you are an USer? I am (sort of) as well. There can be lots of free time - too much, maybe? If you do not want to send the kids to school, but something has to change - you could move towards a more structured HSing environement to combat the boredom. Just a thought.

[annethcz]

You will not ruin your children by sending them to school. I felt the same way as you're describing about a year and a half ago. Although I thought that theoretically HSing was best for my family, it just wasn't working out the way I thought it would. So enrolled my kids in a (public) charter school. Like you, once I made the decision I didn't want to wait. Instead of waiting until the next school year, my kids started school in February.

And it has been a great thing for my kids. While there are a few things that they don't like about school, for the most part they enjoy school tremendously. They love seeing their friends everyday (instead of once a week at HS co-op or waiting for playgroups). They love playing games and singing songs with their teachers. They enjoy the new books and ideas they've been exposed to. It's been an overall positive experience. After attending school from February through May the first year, I asked my kids if they wanted to go back to school or if they wanted to HS again. They all chose school. And they'll all be attending school again in September, their choice. If for some reason school wasn't working out, I consider HSing to be an option.

Please, reassure me that I will not ruin my kids by doing PS! I'm so scared of this big change.

My kids were a little tired the first week or two of school, but adapted quickly. We also had to establish new household schedules, but it wasn't a big deal.

Scared of having them sitting at a desk all day with no recess.

YMMV, but my kids do not sit at desks all day. They sit in circles, they stand and sing, they lounge on the floor and read books, they play on the playground and run around in PE class everyday, they play games (like tossing a koosh ball around) as a transitional activity. Of course it depends on the school and the teacher, but my kids are not sitting in chairs all day long.

Scared of school yard bullies.

I understand this concern, but school isn't the only place that bullies can be an issue. We occasionally had issues with kids not getting along and acting in exclusionary ways at HS co-ops and open gyms also. Most schools are so afraid of litigation that they actively try to keep bullies at bay.

Scared of the homework load.

This was a concern of mine also. For the most part, it hasn't been too bad. And I'm the bad parent who will sometimes sign off on homework that wasn't actually done. For example, my kids are supposed to turn in reading logs every month. My kids read all of the time and it's a PITA for me to remember to sign off when my kids are reaing a book. So I forge the logs (or don't turn them in at all). If I did have a problem with the amount of homework, I would definitely have a chat with the teacher about it.

Scared of feeling like someone else owns and controls my kids (when they are learning just fine on their own and I tend towards unschooling anyway.)

I can also relate to this one. I guess that I had to wait until my kids were actually in school before I realized that this wasn't that big of a concern. Yes, they do have to follow a more rigid schedule now than they did when they were HSing- it's just a part of the package when you attend school. But it hasn't been a problem at all. The teachers know that their job is to nurture and teach the students, not to parent them. And again, if there was anything amiss, I would definitely communicate with the teacher about the issue.

I will also say that volunteering in the classroom made a HUGE difference in how I felt about my kids attending school. I got to know the teachers, I got to see for myself that my kids were happy in school, and I got a good feel for the environment my kids were spending their day in. Knowing the teachers made such a difference to me- I knew their personalities, and got to be very friendly with them. This helped me to see that we were all working toward the same goal- to nurture my children to their highest potential. And when problems did crop up (behavior issues due to my DD being bored), I was able to speak to the teacher with confidence about solving the problem. And now, due to the fact that I've immersed myself into their school so much, I'll be working there part time this school year. It's so strange to me to go from a staunch HSing mom to a school employee in less than 2 years, but as long as we're all happy, it's all good.

[darcytrue]

I am in no way trying to sway your thoughts on this. I know that can't be done. You will do what is best for your children and your family. But I have BT/DT with my own children and put them in school for a very short time because I too needed a break. And I don't feel that sending our children to school will ruin them either, but it's not always the best thing, not for all children.

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

I am a HSer, and here are my thoughts:

You want to send your kids to school, your kids want to go to school - send them. If it doesn't work out -withdraw them. This is something you are trying, not signing up for life. Give it a shot.

ditto this.

IMO, sending them to school may not help the problem. My children had very bad attitudes when in school. They came home stressed and grouchy every day.

Originally Posted by annethcz

YMMV, but my kids do not sit at desks all day. They sit in circles, they stand and sing, they lounge on the floor and read books, they play on the playground and run around in PE class everyday, they play games (like tossing a koosh ball around) as a transitional activity. Of course it depends on the school and the teacher, but my kids are not sitting in chairs all day long.

In the younger grades they may get up and move around more than in the higher grades. But it's not that way all throughout school and not all teachers do things the same way. Some teachers are not as good or creative as others. I was in public school and remember having some very bad teachers some years and very good ones in other years. You can't pick and choose for your child.

Originally Posted by annethcz

I understand this concern, but school isn't the only place that bullies can be an issue. We occasionally had issues with kids not getting along and acting in exclusionary ways at HS co-ops and open gyms also. Most schools are so afraid of litigation that they actively try to keep bullies at bay.

In my experience (both with me as a child and my own children) bullies are much worse in school. Bullying doesn't just mean a child beats up on another child. It means many things and a lot of times it's verbal abuse or something as small as a child being made fun of and belittled.

When my kids were in a school I volunteered all the time and saw it happening in various classrooms, in the hallways, at recess, etc. Yes, it can also happen in a homeschool co-op or group. I saw a six year old boy mistreat another boy in our HS co-op last year 'but' he immediately had four of us moms on him correcting him and one going to find his mother so she immediately knew what was up as well. OTOH, I have had one of my children in higher elem grades that was bullied as well as a child in Kindergarten that was bullied all year long off and on by a bigger boy and he also bullied others in class. Nothing was ever done about him, no matter how many times my DD told the teacher or I talked to the teacher. Nothing. This was a private school and we were paying for our child's education. It happens in all grades in school and the sad part is there are no parents there to intervene and help their child and their child most likely will not confide in anyone for fear of the bully getting worse because they know they have to go back to school alone. When homeschooling, the parents are always around and kids are much more likely to talk to their parents more openly.

[annethcz]

Oh, it's absolutely true that most of the things the OP is concerned about will vary from school to school and teacher to teacher.

OP, I guess the one thing I didn't ask about is if you've talked with the school principal/director or any of the teachers? Before enrolling my kids in school we toured the school and saw the teachers in action, albeit briefly. My kids were even invited to play with a PE class when we walked through the gym. I also grilled the school director about all of the issues that were important to me. I literally had a handwritten, page long list of questions about the school. All of my questions were answered to my satisfaction before I decided to enroll my children.

But some things you won't know until your kids are actually attending school.

[ShineliketheSon]

no advice other than just Tough decisions!

[Linda on the move]

former homeschooler here ....

Public school has been wonderful for my DD who started last year at the age of 10. Her 12 year old sister will be joining her when school starts up here at the end of the month.

Our public school is wonderful. They kids do lots of different kinds of work -- sometimes in groups, sometimes projects with other grades, sometimes at the computer, sometimes hands on stuff, some traditional work. They really keep it mixed up. In 5th grade last year they have an hour for lunch and recess, plus at least one *special* class a day (PE twice a week, music twice a week, art once a week, and computer once a week). My DD enjoyed most (but not all) of her school work. She worked far harder at school than she ever had at home, and she learned a great deal. It wasn't perfect, but it was very good.

She also made a lot of friends who live around close. Really nice kids with nice parents. Yes, it's true. There are lovely children who attend public school!

I find having an outside schedule very helpful in getting things flowing around here. After being on duty 24/7 for nearly 13 years, I'm ready for the break. I feel a little twinge that I can no longer make homeschooling work, but I'm making my peace with the fact that it doesn't work for us any more but it's OK anyway. My kids are great.

My vote for you would be to send the two older ones and keep the 6 year old home (because it sounds like that's what you really want to do).

[freestyler]

I'm SO happy to hear from everyone and get your opinions and stories. I really value the input and thank you all so much. Keep the input coming!

[lauren]

ONe thing that struck me about your post is that your observations are made at a particular point in time, in the summer when everyone is bored. Have you noticed rhythms to the year with your kids...times when they are more motivated than they are now. They do sound bored right now, and it also sounds like you're taking responsibility for keeping them entertained. I just worry that you'd be making a somewhat impulsive decision based on everyone wanting to escape the current situation. Have you ever had a chance to visit the public schools? To discuss educational philosophy with someone there? I just worry that you're trying to escape something but not really knowing what you're going toward. If you understood their philosophy, their stance on bullying, etc, you might feel a lot better about the decision. Have you ever had a family meeting with your kids about it? Is there any chance the older ones would take charge a little more of the hsing experience if they knew what it was feeling like for you?

Just questions to think about, this early morning, before coffee.....

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by lauren

ONe thing that struck me about your post is that your observations are made at a particular point in time, in the summer when everyone is bored. Have you noticed rhythms to the year with your kids...times when they are more motivated than they are now.

Actually, most homeschoolers are pretty gun ho right now. Summer is a lot of fun, more time outside, more options for enrichments (camps and such), more kids around to play with. Many feel excited about the new school year (whether they follow the school year or not, it is a natural break in the rhythm of activities).

The crunch between Thanksgiving and Christmas causes many homeschoolers to feel that they are trying to do way more than they possibly can. Then winter duldrum of short day night hours and burn out mark Jan and Feb (and sometimes creep right into March).

They do sound bored right now, and it also sounds like you're taking responsibility for keeping them entertained.

When my kids got bored, they would fight. The solution was for me to find something for them to do.

I really feel like back in the day when I was looking at education options, I was sold on the idea that if I homeschooled, my kids would be creative and do delightful things to amuse themselves. At time they have, but the reality is they are still normal kids. The little one gets bored and pokes her sister.

If you understood their philosophy, their stance on bullying, etc, you might feel a lot better about the decision.

agreed. Our local school has a zero tolerance policy on bullying and certain words (including "fat" and "stupid") are treated just like swear words. Some mild teasing goes on about things like clothing. My DD got teased because she wore the same sweat shirt over her clothes everyday. It's her favorite and she felt it went with everything, and she decided that wearing what she wanted to was more important to here than the opinions of some of the kids in her class.

Is there any chance the older ones would take charge a little more of the hsing experience if they knew what it was feeling like for you?

asking an 11 who wants to go to school to be more in charge of homeschooling because mommy is overwhelmed is not, IMHO, appropriate. If the child wanted to stay home and they only way mommy could have them stay home is with them taking responsibility that would be VERY different. But this kid wants to try school.

[Heavenly]

I was you last summer. Even up until the day school started I was still questioning whether I should send them (to a small private Christian school). Now I am SO glad I did! I was just so burnt out homeschooling and I was not being the mom I wanted to be. It was so much better for all of us when they went to school. They love it and I love the break! Yes, there have been minor problems but overall it's been a great experience and all the stuff I thought was wrong with formal schooling has actually turned out not to be true. My kids are going into 2nd and 3rd grade this year and I couldn't be happy. And in 2010 my youngest will be ready for junior kindergarten! : I say go for it! If it's totally horrible you can pull them out.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by annethcz

But some things you won't know until your kids are actually attending school.

exactly.

But even the staff/teacher can't know what actually goes on between each child or when a group of kids are together away from any adults, so what is going on in front of the adults eyes isn't always what is really going on. It's just one of those things that you just have to do it if you feel it is best. That's what I did. We HS now but if I ever have to try a school again in the future I will most likely do it again. I will never say never.

[lauren]

Linda I can totally see your rebuttals to my points! I have never homeschooled so I'm just throwing out ideas, not things I've actually lived through! I'm sure if freestyler wanted support for continuing to hs, there would be plenty of it on that forum. I was just worried about making the choice without knowing more about what the ps environment is like.

[freestyler]

Linda and Lauren, you are both right in all your observations. (So is everyone else.) It IS a time when we are all bored right now. Lacking $$$ for camps, and now only one swim practice a day, and charter school (2 days a week) not starting until September, and no one around to play with (everyone in year-round school or camp here), and just general boredom.

I think we need to go to on more field trips, like we used to. Somehow, having the fifth baby made me REALLY a home-body, and I think that is partly, or largely, why it feels so boring these days. Gotta force myself to take them out more. I don't actually REALLY want them in school all day every day.

Right now the middle three (ages 3, 6, and 9) are biking with DH before he goes to work. Our 11-yr-old is sound asleep getting the rest she needs. The baby is sound asleep. It's almost 8 AM. I admit that I do like being able to have our mornings together, rather than rushing them out the door every day. But this morning I missed my walk, darn it!

Anyway, I'm mulling it all over. I guess if we're gonna keep HSing, we need a LOT more activity out of the house, and if possible a circle of HSing friends. I have not found a good park day here though, and that makes it hard. So often there are such crummy politics at park days, and I find it hard to click with HSing people that I might otherwise never in a million years hang out with. It gets lonely.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by freestyler

I have not found a good park day here though, and that makes it hard. So often there are such crummy politics at park days, and I find it hard to click with HSing people that I might otherwise never in a million years hang out with. It gets lonely.

The real reason my kids now attend school is other homeschoolers. Because of the issues with other homeschoolers and the homeschooling community in general, homeschooling became very, very isolating for my children. (We are not welcome in the only homeschooling group where we live because we are not the same religion as those in the group. We moved here 18 months ago for my DH's job and that was the beginning of the end of our homeschool time.)

I love that religion is not an open topic in public schools. That is the number one thing my kids and I love about public school -- the separation of church and state. The religion issue was always kind of annoying, but our move here brought the situation to a head. Looking back, I can't believe I put up with the nonsense in the homeschooling community for as long as I did.

I also found that with one in school last year and one homeschooling, public schoolers were far more OK with the homeschoolers than homeschoolers were with the idea that a child could thrive in public school. It's like they are afraid that if any child is actually doing OK in school, they may be running themselves into the ground for nothing.

School here isn't all day -- it's over at 3 and we have lovely afternoons and evenings and weekends. One of my biggest suprises last year was that I had just as much quality time with my DD after she started school as I did before. I was focused and fresh when I was with her.

It's amazing what being focused and fresh does for my relationship with adolescent.

[SimonMom]

Hi, I have a rising first grader. I planned on homeschooling him until a few months before he started K. We have enjoyed public school soo much more than I thought possible. With homeschooling I did not feel a sense of community, even though we joined groups and took classes. We had to drive everywhere on the chance their might be a few kids he could play with. I felt like I was constantly paying for classes for social outlet that my child needed. It just seemed so silly when he could go to public scool for free.

Out school is a neighborhood school, and now I feel a great sense of community. On the walk to school we meet up with so many of our neighbors, and they are very welcoming.

I actually like that at school there is one set of rules that all the kids are expected to follow, instead of twenty different sets of rules from all the different parents. My ds1 had a broken leg last and was on crutches when a homeschooled child pushed him over twice because my son was playing with his little sister and was jealous. The mom's response was not at all adequate in my opinion and I feel secure that if it had happened at school it would have been adequately addressed.

My child also does not sit all day or do worksheets all day. They have recess and gym and free time and can do their work standing or sitting or lying on the rug. They have specials like art every day and the teachers encourage movement. My son has enjoyed school so much and I do not regret my decision at all. I think you should try out public school and be positive about it and then take it from there.

[mammastar2]

We initially planned to homeschool, and did so for a year. Dd has now been in two schools, each one with something to offer, but definitely the second one has been a much better "fit" for us. I second/third/fourth the suggestion that you visit the school, if you haven't already, and get a feel for it.

Some of the things we like:

1. Neighborhood schools are a terrific way of helping kids (and parents) feel part of their community. I love that her buddies all live nearby and we can walk over for playdates or run into them at the park or grocery store. Our first school wasn't our neighborhood school, and we definitely felt more disconnnected.

2. Energetic administration! I had a hard time seeing at first how a principal can make or break a school, but it's true. They set the tone, encourage teachers to work as teams, and create an atmosphere that encourages everyone to contribute.

3. A good balance of academics and other activities. I always felt sorry for kids in school, thinking how sad it was that they spend all day cooped up while homeschooled kids can be at the museum or the library. However, dd is a natural homebody and it can be hard to get her out and moving when she's home-based. Through school, she's very enthusiastically had lots of great experiences: a dance festival, being in school performances, class parties, extra curricular sports, amazing field trips, etc etc.

4. Lots of time outside and active time. She has gym 3 times a week, and they work in extra physical activity in the classroom on the other days. That's in addition to recess three times a day and playing before and after school with her friends whenever she can, plus sports practice when she has an extra curricular going on.

5. She's become a lot more resilient. I'd say she's had a few run-ins with other kids that weren't pleasant, but overall she loves having friends and has also learned how to bounce back and deal with behavior that would have just had her crumple when she wasn't in school.

So, that's what's worked for us, for what it's worth...

[The Hidden Life]

I could have written the original post! My kids are headed to public school (in grades 6, 4 and 1) after two years' homeschooling. I thought for sure I would *never* go back to ps and might even hs all the way through high school, but this summer sure changed my mind! I need a break and yes, my kids are bored, even though they are doing well academically with a challenging curriculum. They miss their ps friends and I miss being part of the larger community. Our hs friends live very far away and scheduling playdates and such is very difficult with everyone's very full and different schedules. I feel terrible guilt for giving up on homeschooling but making the decision to public school was just exhilirating! I'm very excited about it and so are the kids. It's been a good two years but time for something different! Best of luck on your decision!

[UltimateSerj]

I have been on the fence all week about this also! i just came over here to ask a question about it actually! we have been home schooling for the last 1 1/2 years and its been ok. i love having MY children! but the old 2 are begging to go back, and i honestly am done with fighting with them all the time! Dh and i really just made the choice today to put them back into school, my children are 11 (6th grade) 8 (3rd grade) 6(1st grade) and i have a 2 year old. i am actually looking forward to it right now... but scared to death that it will be a huge mistake...