How would you react to someone physically punishing their child in public? [detailed, may be...

[nerdymom]

I was in the shoe aisle at the PX (military department store) and there was a family there, and the littlest girl was I'd say about 2 or 3. She started having a meltdown when her mom was forcing her to try on shoes. Since DS wasn't with me, I kept looking. If he had been there I would have left b/c he's very sensitive to other people's emotions. Things continued to escalate, but I didn't look over b/c I know it's a hard situation to be in, and I didn't want to make it worse for the mom.

The mom started out calm, but quickly lost control, started raising her voice, telling the little girl "I don't care just go show grandma" and "settle down NOW". Then the mom started hitting the girl on the leg and bottom. This really triggered some bad memories of my own and I felt very ill, but didn't know if I should say something or go. Then a passerby said "she's just a baby you don't have to hit her" and then the mom and passerby got into it. I withdrew quickly, afraid I was going to actually be sick right then and there.

I still haven't recovered from the incident, which was several hours ago. I'm torn, because while I don't handle conflict well, maybe if I had spoken up to the mom would have backed down. But I know that the chance was slim that anything I could say would change her behavior, and potentially shaming or angering the mother might only make it harder for the kids later.

How would you have acted in that situation? Would your reaction be different depending upon whether your DC were there or not?

[Dandelionkid]

Hmmm. Good question. As uncomfortable it is to admit, I would be more likely to say something if my kids were with me. I would have felt more ashamed to NOT say anything if they were watching a child get hit. I hope I would say something either way but honestly I am pretty weak in this area. I'm not looking forward to the first time I see this. I was in someone's home recently when the child was acting out and I heard a slap as the mother tried correcting him. It took me by surprise and made me feel a little sick to my stomach too. I live somewhere though, where physical punishment seems to be the norm. I have been at parties where all the mom's are discussing how they spank etc. I welcome the day Canada outlaws physical punishment. It's baffling to me that children have less rights...

[lerlerler]

I'd walk over and give her a chance to diffuse the situation... without judgement (as that could be dangerous to you or the child)

"Good sale on shoes, huh?"

She'll give you the "what the heck are you talking about" look and MAYBE that 10 seconds of quiet will help her regain her sanity.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by lerlerler

I'd walk over and give her a chance to diffuse the situation... without judgement (as that could be dangerous to you or the child)

"Good sale on shoes, huh?"

She'll give you the "what the heck are you talking about" look and MAYBE that 10 seconds of quiet will help her regain her sanity.

bravo!!! excellent strategy!!! must remember next time.

[Marylizah]

I live in a country where slapping, spanking, hitting your kids is totally normal and accepted.

And I frequently see children getting slapped or spanked at the park-- not to mention screamed at, humiliated, and verbally abused. It's AWFUL.

I definitely do not step in for slapping or spanking. I don't know exactly what I would do if I saw something escalate. I hope I would have the courage to speak up.

What I try to do is model gentleness with my own child. I don't raise my voice, (or my hand, obviously!) or speak rudely or dismissively to him. When he's having a hard time leaving the park, we try to come to a mutually agreeable solution. I feel like showing parents that it doesn't have to be a battle all the time is really the only tool I have to combat the violence I see.

I don't know what to tell you. I would definitely worry about the person who is out of control losing it with me. If I had kids there, I would worry about their safety.

I struggle with this issue every day.

[nerdymom]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

Hmmm. Good question. As uncomfortable it is to admit, I would be more likely to say something if my kids were with me. I would have felt more ashamed to NOT say anything if they were watching a child get hit. I hope I would say something either way but honestly I am pretty weak in this area. I'm not looking forward to the first time I see this. I was in someone's home recently when the child was acting out and I heard a slap as the mother tried correcting him. It took me by surprise and made me feel a little sick to my stomach too. I live somewhere though, where physical punishment seems to be the norm. I have been at parties where all the mom's are discussing how they spank etc. I welcome the day Canada outlaws physical punishment. It's baffling to me that children have less rights...

It is really sad how little protection children have. But it is also pretty common in this area. I too feel that I would want to set a good example for my children, that they should do the right thing no matter what. To me, that would mean acting in defense of the child in this situation. But in that situation I felt so powerless, I just turned and ran.

Originally Posted by lerlerler

I'd walk over and give her a chance to diffuse the situation... without judgement (as that could be dangerous to you or the child)

"Good sale on shoes, huh?"

She'll give you the "what the heck are you talking about" look and MAYBE that 10 seconds of quiet will help her regain her sanity.

Have you done this before? Is it effective? I agree, the mom needed a minute to clear her head, has this worked for you (or anyone else)?

Originally Posted by Marylizah

I live in a country where slapping, spanking, hitting your kids is totally normal and accepted.

And I frequently see children getting slapped or spanked at the park-- not to mention screamed at, humiliated, and verbally abused. It's AWFUL.

I definitely do not step in for slapping or spanking. I don't know exactly what I would do if I saw something escalate. I hope I would have the courage to speak up.

What I try to do is model gentleness with my own child. I don't raise my voice, (or my hand, obviously!) or speak rudely or dismissively to him. When he's having a hard time leaving the park, we try to come to a mutually agreeable solution. I feel like showing parents that it doesn't have to be a battle all the time is really the only tool I have to combat the violence I see.

I don't know what to tell you. I would definitely worry about the person who is out of control losing it with me. If I had kids there, I would worry about their safety.

I struggle with this issue every day.

Where do you live? That is awful, worse than it is here.

[childsplay]

warning, this may be upsetting : (

I guess it depends on the situation. I saw a lady once, she was dragging her little one through the slush and snow by his arm , his little jacket had come undone and his poor little belly was hanging out on that fridgid day, she was telling him to shut the F up, and just wait till he gets home....he's gonna really get it then etc...it was disgusting, people were stopped and staring at the spectacle. I was with a friend's elderly Mom who tried to beeline to our car without saying anything. I really didn't know what to do, and was afraid of setting this woman off any worse, until she stumbled on the ice, slid a bit, the child went down hard and she yanked him back up and slapped him across his head. He was screaming like nothing I'd ever heard before. I ran over and yelled at her to stop, her kid is hurt, and to let go of him. Another lady blocked the sidewalk so she couldn't get by, while someone else called 911.
The woman was livid, screaming and swearing at us, a few people drifted away but myself and about four or five others stood until the police got there and physically wouldn't let her past us.
When I pulled out of the parking lot a little while later she was in the back of the police car and an ambulance was there.
I wonder sometimes what happened to that little guy, and the Mom, hopefully she got some help.
It maybe wasn't the smartest thing to do, confront her I mean, but the poor little guy....
I didn't have a cell phone at the time but if I had I'd have just called 911 right away.
DH was at the beach with the kids the other day and someone was slapping their child around, next thing he knew (within minutes) two police cars came roaring into the parking lot.
Really, that's probably the best thing to do, I mean if someone is hitting their child in public, who knows what goes on at home?? If the police get involved maybe the parents can get some help dealing with their anger issues.


Sorry that got so long....

[nerdymom]

Oh wow. good for you, I'm glad you acted in that situation, and it sounds like you spurred others to step in too. Your case is more extreme than mine, and even in this state I would have called the police. But here spanking is not uncommon, and there are no laws to protect children from corporal punishment, though the law is hazy from what I understand CPS only really steps in if there is physical evidence on the child, aka bruising and such.

[KirstenMary]

I don't know. If the parent was spanking - in other words, not GD but not technically abuse - I would have said nothing. Different parents parent differently, and I am not going to enforce my ways on another mother.

[apple_juice]

Child'splay I am so glad you intervened. When my father was still drinking he horribly physically abused me for 8 or 10 city blocks and no one did anything. It took 3 years until he stopped drinking (and he never did anything that bad again) but if someone had stepped in the wake up call for him & my mother would have happened a lot sooner.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by lerlerler

I'd walk over and give her a chance to diffuse the situation... without judgement (as that could be dangerous to you or the child)

"Good sale on shoes, huh?"

She'll give you the "what the heck are you talking about" look and MAYBE that 10 seconds of quiet will help her regain her sanity.

I love this suggestion. While I've never treated my child this way, I did have an incident where something like this really helped. I was having a bad day, and was trying to get the grocery shopping done. I had to take DS with me to a store that is notorious for not having more than a few carts with both seats and belts intact, and of course I couldn't find one. I was so frazzled, I just started flinging cart after cart around, going down the row to find one I could use for DS. This young woman came over and asked if I needed help, and of course she got a tirade about how the store has no carts a mom can use. She was clearly surprised that I was so insane about a shopping cart, but helped me find one, asked if I was okay, and said she hoped my day got better. I was MORTIFIED. I cried my way through the first half of the store, but ultimately was so grateful that someone so calm and kind had been there to distract me a little bit. Okay, I'm crying just remembering that day, so I guess I'm STILL mortified, but that's not such a bad thing, and if someone's mistreating their kid, it's DEFINITELY not a bad thing!

[Mama2 '05'06]

Originally Posted by lerlerler

I'd walk over and give her a chance to diffuse the situation... without judgement (as that could be dangerous to you or the child)

"Good sale on shoes, huh?"

She'll give you the "what the heck are you talking about" look and MAYBE that 10 seconds of quiet will help her regain her sanity.

That'd be good. There was one day when I had to go to the store and everybody was fine and happy but shortly after we got there, ds1 began making a huge fuss. I was trying so hard to stay calm and just get the things we HAD to have and get out of the store but it was obviously wearing at me. Another mom who had a little about dd's age came up and just started chatting when I was about to loose it. It worked, gave me something else to think about it, let me know that I was not the only one who had days like that and she even offered to help me out by taking the kids on the merry-go-round while I checked out. Since then, I've been quicker to say something to other moms who look like they are ready to explode.

[happyhippy]

There was a time when i was right next to a mama while she was yelling at her son. She was yelling stuff like "Im going to slap you if you keep doing that." I was so sick. My first reaction was to judge her-but i stopped myself because it was keeping me seperate from her. Instead i smiled at her and asked her if she would like me to hold her son for a few minutes. (We were sitting next to each other and about to eat food, so it didnt seem like a rediculous offering) She looked so relieved and said yes. I held her son (who was so upset. It was very sad.) and helped him eat and tried to play with him and my kids to get his mind off the whole thing. I kept smiling at his mama and saw that she was trying. She was calming down. I said some things hoping she'd feel supported, not alone and not judged.

I was glad i took the risk, but it was the right circumstance. im not sure if id do it in the shoe store ya know?

I think its the right thing to try and help a child. I think its got to be in a way that is non violent, supportive and non judgemental or the parent will only hear criticism. Doing that on the spot when my own feelings about abuse come up is very hard.

[Fujiko]

Ugh, I had to witness something crazy yesterday, too. We were at the play area at the mall and this about 2 year old boy was playing. We happened to be sitting next to his parents. Long story short, he apparently bit his mom (I didn't actually see this part) and I looked over just in time to see her slap him across the face. Well, she only got him with her fingertips, but still. He cried and cried. My 2 yo dd and another little one wandered over to him while he was bawling and stared at him, like they were confused or unsure what to do. I'm sure my dd (who didn't see what lead to the crying) was wondering why his mommy wasn't helping/comforting him. I was shocked, but I didn't know what to do, so I did nothing. Then the dad was telling him, "Give mommy a kiss! Right now!" Geez, I wouldn't kiss someone who just slapped me.

[nerdymom]

Lot's of helpful advice about diffusing the situation, thanks. I think next time I will try to step in before it escalates to hitting.

There are so many sad stories here.

apple_juice, I am so sorry you went through that.