How to break "hit to get reaction" cycle?

[marshapn]

My DD is a month shy of turning 3. We have very little behavioral issues with her, in part because she is extremely verbal for her age.

However lately she has been hitting me a lot (way more than my DP--I think because she trusts me over and beyond everyone else). MY DP and I tell her it hurts me, makes me sad and then we ask her what it was that she wanted to say and/or express and could she try to use words instead of her hands?

She "gets" all this, but for some reason (not quite sure what--everything is pretty normal in our life except maybe for slight extra stress due to my crazy workload, although my time with her hasn't been reduced and it seems like hitting is even worse when I spend more time than normal with her!) she's still hitting. Feels like she wants the reaction/attention.

I'm trying to reduce my stress and give her more positive attention. But what else can I do to *directly* address the hitting? She has always, by the way, been a gentle (thankfully not super aggressive) hitter and seems to use physical language way faster than verbal language. It's just really annoying now, esp because seems so purposefully testing.

Suggestions welcome! Thanks!

-- Marsha, mom to Ruby (9-21-06)

[allgirls]

completely ignore it in a "I'm so bored" way. zero reaction. It's hard, it takes practice but you are likely calling this right, she's looking at your reaction and it's not a need for more time or stress etc. It's an impulse she gets and follows through on and the reward is attention. It's very powerful. Remove her hand, put her down, walk away, defend yourself but be bored. Less is more and I found this worked really well. It gets boring for them pretty quickly.

There are other times to teach that hitting hurts. She'll learn this through conversation about it when you see it on the playground or someone hurts her, right now, to get her to stop, the lesson isn't as important as getting her to stop hitting you.

Good luck.

Allgirls

[PikkuMyy]

I would second allgirls. In behaviorism we call this the extinction method, and it's used when responding to an inappropriate behavior reinforces it. So instead, you don't respond.

So with the hitting, I would put her down, move her away, get up, walk away, go to another room, etc. Then after a short break, I might address what was prompting the hitting without giving attention to it. Like, "DD, are you getting hungry?" Or "I'm starting to feel tired and grumpy. I'm going to rest a little bit. Are you tired too? Let's rest together."

[marshapn]

Thanks so much for the useful and encouraging advice!

-- Marsha

[Limabean1975]

I am so glad I stumbled into this thread - I think this might be what we need to do to address DS (3.5) hurting the baby (2 months).

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Limabean1975

I am so glad I stumbled into this thread - I think this might be what we need to do to address DS (3.5) hurting the baby (2 months).

Well, when using extinction, the behavior usually gets worse before it gets better. I don't think I would ignore a 3.5 year old hurting a 2 month old. Extinction isn't a good choice in this case.

[Limabean1975]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Well, when using extinction, the behavior usually gets worse before it gets better. I don't think I would ignore a 3.5 year old hurting a 2 month old. Extinction isn't a good choice in this case.

Well, I certainly don't mean ignore as in sit there and let it happen - but rather intervene/protect, but WITHOUT saying "no hitting! that's hurting the baby!" etc. - COuld that work? Or other suggestions?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Limabean1975

Well, I certainly don't mean ignore as in sit there and let it happen - but rather intervene/protect, but WITHOUT saying "no hitting! that's hurting the baby!" etc. - COuld that work? Or other suggestions?

Oh sure! Sorry Yes, I think interruption, redirection, showing him how to interact with the baby safely, giving him one-on-one time, protecting the baby so there aren't opportunities are all good things to do instead of saying, "No hitting!" I think its important to not associate negative interactions with the baby as much as possible (because that just leads to increased resentment of the baby).

[readytobedone]

i tried this this morning with my 27 month old and it worked well (we've been dealing with hitting/biting/pinching, the whole thing, for awhile now ).

i was getting stuff ready to take her to daycare. we had had breakfast and read a book already, so i'd tried to give her positive attention, like you said.

she ran up and smacked me on the butt really hard, laughing. i told her "that hurts mama. gentle hands with mama."

and then she did it again.

i got down on her level, told her "that hurts me and i can't let you do it. i'm going to walk away now"--then i walked out of the room. she whined for a minute, then came and found me and said "i love you, mama." and i gave her a great big hug and said "i love you, too."



i don't think there's anything wrong with withdrawing your attention (briefly, with the explanation that you need to protect/compose yourself) when they hit you. with DD, the more i talk to her about it, the more she does it.

[Limabean1975]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

Oh sure! Sorry Yes, I think interruption, redirection, showing him how to interact with the baby safely, giving him one-on-one time, protecting the baby so there aren't opportunities are all good things to do instead of saying, "No hitting!" I think its important to not associate negative interactions with the baby as much as possible (because that just leads to increased resentment of the baby).

Ahhh, good reminder to not have negative interactions associated with the baby...given that him hurting the baby sure upsets me, this is certainly a trap I've gotten into!