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How do you do it? Help me stop yelling at my kids.

post #1 of 38
Thread Starter 
I am not proud of this, but I am screaming at my kids and I'm not even sure why. It seems like this happens every now and then, I get in this place where I have zero patience and I snap at them, forgetting that they are kids and they are doing what kids do.
I need some more coping techniques to get me through the day. What do you do or what do you say to yourself in the moment, when they are driving you crazy, to get through it without, you know, causing them to need therapy later in life?
How do you increase your patience level? I mean, I exercise, I have time away from them, I have a great husband who helps a lot when he is not at work, but short of doing vodka shots, how do you get through the day?
post #2 of 38
I am glad I am not alone. Though I know, for me, it is depression without meds (yes, I know, I need to go, but money is a major issue). I am trying very hard not to yell, but sadly the way my husband talks to them, makes it hard to try to not have to yell (He was raised in an abusive environment, and so he never learned how to treat children...we are working on that!)

I m hoping that I can stop. I see what it is doing, and I don't want to live that way!!!


I hope you can find a way...maybe find a local moms group and get out once a week? I know when I even take a trip to the store sans kids, it is a little refreshing!
post #3 of 38
OH Mama. I have those days. Even though I never thought I'd say this-My son is going to be starting preschool next week. I also have a 13 month old, and living with bipolar is super hard. Please, get some help.. you deserve it. Maybe you could make an appt at the health department with a nurse. Maybe they have some options to help.. I know Walmart has generics for 4 bucks now! The generic Celexa is one of them- it seems to help a lot of people!
Do something for yourself each day.. even if it's sitting outside with a cup of coffee for ten minutes.
post #4 of 38
I am a SAHM to a 18 month old little boy with no one to support me other than my husband, so bear that in mind when reading my suggestion.

I read a book called Raising our children, raising ourselves and she presents some suggestions that really helped me deal with a toddler who won't get into his carseat or who won't do whatever it is that I need him to do at that moment.

It helped me to realise that my frustration was about me and my issues, not about my toddler. Yes, he triggered them in a HUGE way, but in order for me to behave like a responsible adult and not try and force my child I needed to take a step back.

I do not always manage, but when I feel like I am about to explode I am learning to take a deep breath and remind myself that this is not about my toddler being irritating/naughty/disobedient, but rather about me feeling like I am not in control and not getting what I need. If I can stay calm, the situation usually does not escalate and we move on fairly quickly.

Having said all of that, I do believe in boundaries and not negotiating everything with little children. It's just easier for me to do it when I am not angry, bitter, frustrated, annoyed, etc. Those are very real emotions and ignoring them only made me more explosive.

HTH
post #5 of 38
I also recommend Naomi Aldort's book. It really helped me with me, I read it about 3yrs ago. I had already signed on to gentle discipline but this side was difficult for me to get past. I am actually rereading the book atm as I have fallen into some old patterns again. It's been so liberating to know I can do it and know that the relationship with my kids is remaining intact even though the situation itself remains much the same. I find if I take the time to validate and listen to the kids instead of making the issue about *me* I can remove my emotions from the equation and deal with my kids without the harmful mind chatter that triggers me to yell. The book really helps you investigate what your own triggers are.
post #6 of 38
Ok. My DD is only 16 months and I haven't really yelled at her because she can't do anything that would upset me that much yet- but she has gotten on my nerves before. On this forum I kept reading about taking Red #40 out of kids' diets and giving them a high protein breakfast to prevent tantrums. I wondered if that would work on me (I totally have adult tantrums). So I did. Last week I had Red #40 after not having it for a while and boy did I tantrum!
I didn't think it would affect me so much- I figured I'm an adult and can handle myself- well, nope! I wonder if I take gluten out of my diet...
post #7 of 38
I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling and van feel myself going there with my 2 year old at times. I have taken it out of my resource options. It is simply not an option. I believe it is disrespectful, humiliating and shaming to be yelled at and I wouldn't speak to anyone like that, the last of which would be the one I love most in the world. I remember my reasons why I don't. If I feel my voice raising I lower it as much as I want to raise it until at times I am whispering. It does the trick and usually has a calming effect on my son.
I also say this prayer in my head if I need a moment
"Lord, give me a gentle spirit and the heart of a child...help me to walk at "his" pace and see the world through "his" eyes. Thank you for the gift of motherhood." This always does the trick. I am humbled and can see my little boy just being a little boy through new eyes. Even if your are not religious just redirecting your energy with these words will help.

Good luck mama!
post #8 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennpn View Post
I grew up in a home with a lot of yelling and van feel myself going there with my 2 year old at times. I have taken it out of my resource options. It is simply not an option. I believe it is disrespectful, humiliating and shaming to be yelled at and I wouldn't speak to anyone like that, the last of which would be the one I love most in the world. I remember my reasons why I don't. If I feel my voice raising I lower it as much as I want to raise it until at times I am whispering. It does the trick and usually has a calming effect on my son.
I also say this prayer in my head if I need a moment
"Lord, give me a gentle spirit and the heart of a child...help me to walk at "his" pace and see the world through "his" eyes. Thank you for the gift of motherhood." This always does the trick. I am humbled and can see my little boy just being a little boy through new eyes. Even if your are not religious just redirecting your energy with these words will help.

Good luck mama!
I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for this advice. Before the baby was born (twins and baby are about 1.5 years apart) I never yelled at them. I raised my voice once at my son, but that was it. I was super patient and almost always made an effort to view the world through their eyes. Then came along a baby with several food allergies, colic, middle ear fluid for 6 months that created moderate to severe hearing loss, lots of pain and hours a day of crying for almost a year of her life- I found myself doing everything OPPOSITE of my parenting tenets. Now that she is doing better, thank GOD!, I find myself making more of an effort to stop yelling at the twins. I despise yelling at them. I don't want it an option.

REading your response about not having it an option in parenting changed my perspective. If it's not there as a resource, then there is nothing to reach with regard to yelling, etc.. I very sadly have even hit their hands when I am up to my eyeballs in frustration. Again, things I would have NEVER thought I would do. I need to change things NOW. Thank you again for the post. You really provided some strength and direction to me.
post #9 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by jewelsJZ View Post
I am not proud of this, but I am screaming at my kids and I'm not even sure why. It seems like this happens every now and then, I get in this place where I have zero patience and I snap at them, forgetting that they are kids and they are doing what kids do.
I need some more coping techniques to get me through the day. What do you do or what do you say to yourself in the moment, when they are driving you crazy, to get through it without, you know, causing them to need therapy later in life?
How do you increase your patience level? I mean, I exercise, I have time away from them, I have a great husband who helps a lot when he is not at work, but short of doing vodka shots, how do you get through the day?
I find myself doing the same thing and it's only out of pure frustration - frustration built up after repeatedly asking my son to STOP doing something and him not listening. Are deep breaths and time outs for yourself a good way to handle such situations? It's an ongoing battle. During bathtime, out in public, you name it - it's like he's testing my patience. I've even caught myself talking to myself during a bathtime one night when I thought I was going to lose it. He saw me doing this, got sad and asked what was wrong. He doesn't need to be doing this!! I felt awful, calmed down and explained that mommy was just a little upset when you didn't listen to me....
post #10 of 38
Thread Starter 
Thanks mommas. Going to go to the library and pick up the Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves book tonight! And thanks for the little prayer, jennpn, i am not a religious person, but this is something i will use.
keep the suggestions coming, moms, this is so, so helpful.
post #11 of 38
I am so glad I could be of help to you! I was caring for three one year old when my newborn son who also had colic and extensive allergies came along. He was up every hour until he was 9 months old during the night and I was beyond exhausted. Only other moms know how meaningless that word really is...it was so much more then that. My nerves were raw and I didn't know if I was coming or going. All I knew is that I had 4 tiny people that needed me very much to be nuturing, calm, loving and patient towards them. This was asking a tremendous amount considering I could barely manage in those days to put my pants on the right way. That is when I re evaliated my goals as a parent and caregiver and my reasoning behind the convictions I had around them. Taking things like physical punishment, shaming, humiliation and yelling completly out of the resource vault helped so much. Even when I felt like screaming along with them I did not becuase that was not an option. I could not go there. I had to find something else. A tantrumming frustrated toddler can be, as I found, more easily calmed with a gentle touch, a warm embrace and a soft word then screaming over top of them...ironic still is that you have lost control by doing this and are trying to get your toddler to succeed at pulling in self control themselves that you as the adult could not.

I read that little prayer on someone's blog who got it from someone else. I am happy to pass it on. Those words empower me, calm me and humble me. I AM so grateful for the gift of motherhood and for these snotty, loud, messy days of childhood that will be gone so quickly. I don't want to have to try to remember them over the yelling.

Good luck with your struggle Momma! You can get back to that place you are looking for!
post #12 of 38
I've found for me the times I've gotten really angry it's helped to say loudly (or even yell): I'm so angry right now! I'm going to go on the porch and calm down!

It makes a huge impression on my son and although occasionally it has been yelling, it hasn't been yelling at him.
post #13 of 38
I am a yeller and i am trying to change this. What is working for me right now is when I yell or feel like yelling I take the kids outside for a walk or something. For some reason that seems to break the cycle and gives me a breather. I find for me the yelling stems from frustration, my parents were spankers and when I find myself in a situation where I don't know what to do but spank I yell.
post #14 of 38
often when I lose my patience with my kids it's because I need some quiet time to myself. Sometimes I tell my girls, "Mommy needs a little quiet time." and then think up something else they can be doing while I just sit and take a breather. They are very understanding! Sometimes they'll play quietly, sometimes they'll amuse themselves together (jumping on the bed in the next room, for example!), but even if it makes noise, I'm at least able to sit a minute, close my eyes, and re-focus my energy. And put a smile on my face, even if I'm not feeling it!
post #15 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I've found for me the times I've gotten really angry it's helped to say loudly (or even yell): I'm so angry right now! I'm going to go on the porch and calm down!

It makes a huge impression on my son and although occasionally it has been yelling, it hasn't been yelling at him.

Yep. This. I find that admitting to my emotions is difficult, yet so empowering. We need to model to our children what is and is not appropriate. It isn't appropriate to take out your frustrations on people who are younger and smaller than you are by yelling at them. It is appropriate to remove yourself from the situation until you can calm down.
post #16 of 38
I take a time out when I feel like I'm losing my patience. It works wonders!
post #17 of 38
My trigger is almost always noise. Is there a specific trigger for you? Once I figured that out I could tailor my pro-active strategies much better. Luckily, my kids are old enough that they don't need constant supervision, so when things start getting noisy I can say "Please play outside" or "I am going to go work on the computer" and get things calmed down really quickly. When they were little I almost always decided that was when it was time to go to the park.
post #18 of 38
I'm no help, b/c I was just about to start trying the vodka shots (jk!!) but I wanted to say THANK YOU for starting this thread, and to everyone who has replied with helpful suggestions so far. I'm in the same boat as the OP, and REALLY need to find a way to recognize when my frustration levels are getting too high. Poor DS is so scared when I yell, and at the same time is compelled to repeat the very same actions that prompted the yelling to begin with. Vicious cycle... (And yes, the car seat is one of the hot buttons now! So glad someone mentioned it.)

I'm off to get the book mentioned, too.... Please keep the suggestions coming!
post #19 of 38
I'm in the middle of Scream Free Parenting by Hal something or other and I'm loving it.

He pretty much says that screaming = immaturity. A child should not have the power to push an adult to that point, and it only brings about negative reactions and behavior. We cannot change our children, only ourselves.
post #20 of 38
Thread Starter 
The Naomi Aldort book worked for me today! I got it at the library last night and started reading it this morning. My kids were still sleeping and I had the rare treat of sitting w/ coffee and being able to read the first part of the book. Used it the instant my oldest woke up. He started his grumpy morning screeching thing that he does every day and instead of telling him to be quiet so as not to wake his sibs and him continuing to screech and then me threatening to send him back to his room, I just did the validating thing from the book and he stopped right away.
We had a MUCH MUCH MUCH better day today, and only because I behaved differently.
Evan and Anna's Mom, yes, NOISE, that is a huge trigger for me. My oldest makes constant noises, very loud, loves to do this to get a reaction out of the baby. The baby loves it which only reinforces it. It drives me bonkers and the later in the day that it gets, the less tolerance I have for it.
Dukey, me too. My mom was a spanker and I don't want to hit my kids so I yell instead, but this is not really any better.
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