My grandma has been fighting cancer for the last four years. It began in her colon, then metastesized to her kidney, liver and finally her lungs. She moved into my parents home when I was in 1st grade. She cared for us after school and all summer; even when we were "too old" to need a babysitter, she we alsways willing and happy to drive us anywhere we wanted to go, spend nay time together we wanted, etc. My dh, dd1 and myself moved back just before she was initially diagnosed, and we stayed for 3.5 years...during those years, I often stayed home with her so she wouldn't have to be in a nursing home. She loved having dd1, and eventually dds 2 & 3 around; she said it made her happy to get up in the morning, even when she was feelign badly. We've been gone now for 9 months, and next week I am traveling alone (1800 miles) with my three girls to see her for what will probably be the last time. When we moved out, she was in reasonable health...still going and doing, traveling even to pursue geneolgy leads (her life-long project with her sister).
I am heartbroken to know that I am going to see this beautiful, caring, intelligent and proud woman confined to her bed, in pain, and incoherent from her meds.
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to deal with my own emotions, and I really don't know how to help my 6.5yo and 3.5yo process this. They absolutely adore their great-grandma, especially my 3.5yo...they were best friends while we lived there, always cuddling and reading or watching tv together. I'm afriad that the intensity of my sadness will scare them. I'm afriad it will scare me, honestly. I'm not sure how to manage it during time spent with my grandma...she is the type of person who would be mortified to have anyone display emotion because of something she "did" - she hates to be a "burden." I know what she wants is for us to come visit and act like it is just any regular get together, and not the last time we will see each other. I know intellectually, of course, that our leaving had nothing to do with her rapid decline, but I'm struggling against waves of guilt that we should have stayed just a while longer.
I just don't know what I'm doing here
I am heartbroken to know that I am going to see this beautiful, caring, intelligent and proud woman confined to her bed, in pain, and incoherent from her meds.
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to deal with my own emotions, and I really don't know how to help my 6.5yo and 3.5yo process this. They absolutely adore their great-grandma, especially my 3.5yo...they were best friends while we lived there, always cuddling and reading or watching tv together. I'm afriad that the intensity of my sadness will scare them. I'm afriad it will scare me, honestly. I'm not sure how to manage it during time spent with my grandma...she is the type of person who would be mortified to have anyone display emotion because of something she "did" - she hates to be a "burden." I know what she wants is for us to come visit and act like it is just any regular get together, and not the last time we will see each other. I know intellectually, of course, that our leaving had nothing to do with her rapid decline, but I'm struggling against waves of guilt that we should have stayed just a while longer.
I just don't know what I'm doing here
