How to make DH understand PPD and the seriousness of it

[fawnanddoe]

This kind of goes along with my other thread. I am pretty convinced I have PPD. I tell DH time and again how serious it is and telling me that I need to learn how to deal is only going to make things worse. He just doesn't understand that I am not trying to act the way that I am, but I can't just make it stop and I can't control it.

How can I make him understand? How can I make him realize how he should be handling this?

[artgoddess]

I've been lucky enough never to have experienced PPD. So take this advice for what it is. Just get yourself help. Call your HCP, and get a referral to see a therapist with experience in PPD, get meds if you need them, and don't concern yourself with making your DH understand.

[shellnurse]

It's quite possible you have PPD-see a doctor and get evaluated! (I read your other thread and so..)it's also possible that you are three weeks PP, dealing with sleep deprivation, a fussy baby and a partner who is not supportive.

I don't know any moms who were not overwhelmed with newborn care and home-making. I also know very few who were expected to do both in the first three weeks without any help. You are reacting normally to the stress and joy of becoming a new parent.

You know what is not normal? A partner who plays video games while the baby cries and who dismisses your pleas for help.

My advice is be very clear about what you need from your guy. It's ok to say in a non-blaming way "please try to soothe the baby while I take a shower" etc. maybe a weekend day out so that he can feed the baby and wash dishes and fold laundry and all the other things moms are expected to do would show him about 15% of what you really do all day.

[JennTheMomma]

You could try to find articles written about PPD to show DH. That's what I did, so he understood it was serious and not just mood swings. Seeing me breakdown opened his eyes aswell.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

Dh never got it it took my mother telling him I needed help for him to even realize something was up. Didnt help he had people telling him I just had the babyblues or a hormone thing :

[K-Mom3]

I would first do something about treating your ppd. My dh was surprised at how different I was when I started taking meds. It helped convince him (a little) that I really had an illness.

In response to your other post as well, I think your dh needs an education about what is normal for a family with a new baby. He obviously had different expectations about this than you did. You can't really blame him for having these expectations, you just need to talk about it. Even for a mother with no ppd, I think it is totally normal to expect dad to do all the dishes and laundry and give mom breaks from baby care. Often people outside the household help by bringing meals or offering other help. It is not normal for a mom to do all this on her own. Any way you can convince dh (in a calm, non-confrontational way) that things are very different with a baby and going to work every day is no longer enough to pull his own weight in the family?

I once wrote a letter to dh about ppd, about my messed up thought processes, about being overwhemed, about my needs not being met, about how miserable I felt. It was a good way for me to vent and also a good way to give dh information without being interrupted and without getting angry at him before I was done (that shuts off good communication pretty quickly, I've found). Then we talked about it when the baby was asleep and at a time when we were both calm. I think validation is key here. You need validation, dh needs validation. This is a constant struggle. My marriage relationship changed forever when my first baby was born. Not that it is bad, it is often really good. But so many things are different. I think it is harder to see things from the other's point of view. There's a good book called "Becoming Parents" by Pam Jordan that is all about how to keep your marriage strong through the major changes and stresses of having a baby. If you have a chance to read (I like to read while nursing) I thought it was helpful for me and good for discussion topics with dh.

Good luck, you're not alone. Hang in there!

[tracymom1]

I am lucky - DH is pretty understanding, but it has just hit me really hard. I had PPD last time around and was miserable for over a year. This time I am going to treat it - I can't live like this anymore. I have an appointment on Wednesday with an OB I once knew who I trust.

I think the only way for him to understand what you are going through is to go to therapy with you and try to get him to read about PPD. IMO, there is just no way men can understand the physiological process of hormonal fluctuations during pregnancy and following childbirth and the only way for them to begin to grasp the concept is through education. Maybe you can find a documentary or video on the internet about PPD that he could watch - something like that might hold his attention a bit better than reading...

[LynnS6]

There are some resources for dad:

Baby Blues Connection: information for dads


This has stories/information for dads too:
Postpartum Dads
Postpartum Dads Project

But, since you sound like you do have PPD, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE see your health care provider. Once you are diagnosed by a doctor, he may or may not come around, but YOU can be on the road to recovery.

You could also try an analogy:
PPD is like having high cholesterol. Not only does it have the possibility of being life threatening, sometimes there is only so much you can do. You can try diet, exercise and supplements. And for some people, that's enough. But for others, your body chemistry/brain chemistry is just plain out of whack. You got the perfect storm of genetic predisposition and stressful circumstances that lead to disease. The same combo might not for someone else. But if you've tried your best and your cholesterol still is too high, you're going to need meds. Ditto for PPD. You STILL need to keep up the diet, exercise and counseling but in reality, that's not enough for some of us.

[darcytrue]

I agree with other posters. I had severe PPD after the birth of our second child. My DH did not understand. He thought I could just make it go away. He thought I made it worse myself because I had such a hard time dealing with our baby. I couldn't make it go away and I could do nothing to make myself better. I never sought help because I felt so bad for feeling that way in the first place. Plus, my life was much busier with child #2 as I had a business to run, DH was self-employed, we homeschooled our oldest child and we just had way too much going on. With my first child I had nothing much going on and had a few hours of the baby blues with that child post partum. So I definitely think the stress in our lives contributes to the chances of ppd happening.

This time around I will know better. I'm going to be prepared to go to the doctor as soon as anything seems "off" once I'm post partum. I won't go through what I did the last time. It lasted way too long and I had to hide it a lot of the time just so DH wouldn't know I was dealing with it.

It was really hard for me. I wish DH would have supported me more. I have talked to him more about it this time around and he seems to understand more this time but I guess we will see once the baby arrives and see if I have issues again.

[Marsupialmom]

I think unless you have PPD you can't understand.

I knew about it but didn't get it until the 3rd child---then I understood.


((((((((HUGS)))))))