My sweet baby boy is now a four-year old surging with testosterone. Help!

[quelindo]

My son just turned four (yesterday) and over the past few months he's become more and more aggressive. He'll say, "If you don't do what I want I'll HIT you!" and then sometimes he does. I'll tell him that hitting is not acceptable, that it hurts me, that it's not okay -- but it's almost like he gets all wound up and can't stop himself. Or he'll pull my hair gently and then start pulling harder until I have to pry his hand off it or he'd be ripping it out of my head.

A friend of mine has a son who is a year older than mine, and she swears that boys have a surge of testosterone when they turn four. All I know is that my sweet, gentle baby boy has started being physically aggressive, and I'm at a loss of how to deal with it.

I'm a big Unconditional Parenting fan. We don't do time-outs (we do the occasional "time-in") or punishments. I like to defuse situations a la Playful Parenting (which I admit I haven't read, but I like the concept) but I'm not sure if turning my son's hurting me into a big fun game is the right thing to do.

FWIW I'm the main target for his aggression, but maybe only because I'm with him the majority of the time. He does get this way with his dad and with his half-sister. Also, he will grab the cat and not let go -- not hard enough to hurt the cat, but he won't listen to me when I ask him to let go (because the cat wants to run away) and I have to try to pry his hands off her. Today he did the same thing to the feet of a baby that was in a carrier -- I was mortified.

Help me figure this out. Please!

[earthmama369]

DS just turned 3 and he's been experimenting with this approach, too, and has definitely been more...energetic...lately. Lots of impulse control issues, pushing physical boundaries, taking risks, losing control, etc. There's definitely some processing and development going on there. (Read: Boy, this better be a phase.)

I don't have all the answers, but I'm finding that being very concrete with him right now is working, and being more physical with him, sooner, when he starts to get wound up. So where normally I would let dd (4) and him (3) work out a lot of their issues, right now I know that's likely to get her tackled and pummeled, so I jump in after the first exchange or two and model some negotiation skills for him. While I'm talking, I put him on my lap or rub his back and physically remind him that I'm right there and kind of remind him where his body is. I may also preemptively remind them both that we're using our words and not our hands to work out whatever issue they're having. (Or feet, or head, or elbows, or teeth....)

I've also started giving consequences that may or may not be logical. It's not our normal parenting style, and you may not want to do this, but it's working for us right now and in extremis, hey, I'll take it. Dessert seems to be the magic word, all of a sudden. So if ds comes out of his room two hours after bedtime, for the umpteenth time, and we've already tried hugs, cuddles, reminders of why sleep is good, potty checks, etc., etc., etc., I may say that if he doesn't go back to bed, he won't be getting any dessert tomorrow, because an overtired child does not need any sugar in his system. It's not strictly logical, but it works like magic. (I know, I know. Flog me with a wet noodle and here's my AP card.)

His leash is definitely shorter right now. Where normally he'll stay with me when walking up the sidewalk, right now it's even odds if he'll dart out across a driveway with no warning, so for now, he's holding my hand all. the. time. I'm trying to give him a lot of run around super active play time, but I'm also very cognizant of where there might be danger if he doesn't act with common sense, I'm assuming he won't use common sense, and taking the required precautions. He's taken the surprising action enough times now that I'm just not taking any chances.

I'd say it's testosterone, but my dd has gone through a couple very similar phases where her common sense and impulse control just went out the window. It seems to happen for 2-3 weeks every 6 months or so. And then suddenly they're doing things and understanding things in a new way that they weren't a few weeks ago. I really think it's developmental. It certainly presents differently at different ages, though!

[mom2grrls]

Is he sleeping well? I think it's a normal phase he's going through but my son definitely was worse when tired. Make sure he's getting some food in too, even if it's just snacking rather than 3 meals.

[Limabean1975]

Following this thread because my 3.5 year old is RIGHT THERE. Pummeling me, Dad, and 2 month old baby sister. Aaaaaagh!