3 y.o hurting the baby to make me mad

[Enudely]

Since ds was born (5 months), dd has discovered that she can make mommy VERY angry! I am a "punished by rewards" mom and I believe in talking stuff out, playful parenting, and natural (not fabricated at all) consequences. However, when dd (age 3) hurts her little brother, I fly into a rage.
Today, she actually hit him in the head with a screw driver!
I grabbed her arm, dragged her across the house, shoved her in her room and yelled "You stay in here!" and closed the door. She had a little grin on her face (Look how much power I have over mommy!!!).
There was another episode where she was on the couch and actually started kicking her feet right at his head, her heels slamming into her his temple! dh swatted her!! I couldn't believe it!! We are very gentle parents, but this brings it out of us.

I just feel like this is such a bid deal that just talking it over afterwards and saying "this is not o.k", is really not enough.

I know this is probably normal 3 yo stuff, but I just don't know what to do. Saying "you seem angry, you seem like you need my attention... etc... just doesn't seem like a strong enough reaction. It's just SO not o.k for her to hurt him.!

She is such a sweetie most of the time and is always kissing him, singing to him, and telling him that she loves him.
wwyd??

[hippiemommaof4]

Originally Posted by Enudely

Since ds was born (5 months), dd has discovered that she can make mommy VERY angry! I am a "punished by rewards" mom and I believe in talking stuff out, playful parenting, and natural (not fabricated at all) consequences. However, when dd (age 3) hurts her little brother, I fly into a rage.
Today, she actually hit him in the head with a screw driver!
I grabbed her arm, dragged her across the house, shoved her in her room and yelled "You stay in here!" and closed the door. She had a little grin on her face (Look how much power I have over mommy!!!).
There was another episode where she was on the couch and actually started kicking her feet right at his head, her heels slamming into her his temple! dh swatted her!! I couldn't believe it!! We are very gentle parents, but this brings it out of us.

I just feel like this is such a bid deal that just talking it over afterwards and saying "this is not o.k", is really not enough.

I know this is probably normal 3 yo stuff, but I just don't know what to do. Saying "you seem angry, you seem like you need my attention... etc... just doesn't seem like a strong enough reaction. It's just SO not o.k for her to hurt him.!

She is such a sweetie most of the time and is always kissing him, singing to him, and telling him that she loves him.
wwyd??

I think seperating her from him and you is a good idea in the insance that she is hurting him on purpose and that you are getting so angry. If the safe correct spot that you choose for her happens to be in her room then thats okay . I think its more of the angry reaction from you that she feeds off of probably like she sees that she can get attention from you that way because any is better than none. I wouldn't give a positive reaction to that kind of violence though and lets be reasonable you cant carry a full blow conversation with most 3 yr olds about this stuff. So I would say to her calmly and firmly "hitting is not ok and when you are calm and gentle to the baby you can come back and play with him, but I cant have you hurting him." Make eye contact the whole ordeal do this every single time but keep your cool. I know that is SOOOOO hard I mean like beyond words and I say that from major experience lol but that is how I would do it and do do it to my almost 4 yr old who is always messing with my just barely turned 5 month old! good luck I feel for ya and can totally relate.

[bfw0729]

I have twin 2.5 almost 3 year olds (in three months). My twins are pretty good with the baby (12 months) but sometimes for attention they try to hurt her. Not often, but it happens.

The most recent time, my son was kind of pushing her around, she was stuck sitting in a corner and he was pushing and knocking on her. I saw this from across the room and freaked out! I ran picked him up and firmly moved him down the hall. I actually started crying pretty hard b/c I couldn't believe how he was treating his sweet baby sister. As I was crying and yelling, I told him..."your baby sister TRUSTS YOU, LOVES YOU, and thinks you will PROTECT HER. Instead you hurt her!!!! That is not showing love and protection! You need to keep her safe and show gentle touching, etc..." These were the words I used with pretty hard crying mixed together. Again, I was shocked by the way he was treating her. Usually he is so good to her. This was about 4 weeks ago and he hasn't touched her since. I think he genuinely felt bad. He also was surprised to see me crying.

I know what you mean about the rage. It's something that is absolutely NOT okay and when you see your little baby hurt by their trusting and loving sibling, you're in shock and want to protect that baby now!

[Enudely]

I've tried all that (minus the crying). She just doesn't get the empathy thing yet I think....

[griffin2004]

If she's hurting the baby to get your attention, don't give it to her at that time. Maybe try picking baby up, snuggles, singing, rocking, tickles and giggling, and just ignore your dd for a while. Don't let her participate, move if she tries to sit with you/baby, don't interact with her. She'll probably escalate the negative behavior for several minutes, but when it stops, then you can include her in the lovefest.

Then when she is back in her sweet and loving mode toward baby, really pile on the love and attention.