Second thoughts about DD at birth

[aiyasmama]

I don't think I've ever been super comfortable about our decision to have DD (2.5 y/o) at my upcoming HBAC, but we decided on this as the plan and now I'm having more doubts.

I'm a little concerned about DD feeling anxious (she is very empathic with me), acting needy or clingy, throwing a temper tantrum, or just generally being distracting while I'm trying to labor. When she's awake the house doesn't tend to be quiet. After talking this over a bunch with DH we decided that she would stay home with my MIL taking care of her, and if at any point it wasn't working for me I would use the code word "space" and he would help them leave quickly. MIL understands that she will need to take DD out if I ask or if she's having a disruptive melt-down, but she has never had to deal with DD being in huge feelings, etc. and doesn't tend to set limits with her (but they do have a very close relationship).

My new doubts have more to do with feeling like there will just be too many people here and it will disrupt the birthing energy. I will have DH, my midwife and her assistant, and a doula all supporting me (I'm so lucky and excited)! I think having DD and MIL also at home might push us over the edge to chaos and distraction. I've been reading Spiritual Midwifery and all of the stuff about choosing who to include in the birthing makes sense to me. I'm worried that I will feel watched and inhibited, esp. in front of my MIL.

During my first labor, my birth center MW was having me do nipple stimulation on myself to increase the strength of my (already painful) contractions and meanwhile two strangers (trainees probably?) were just standing in the doorway watching. It felt humiliating. I know it will feel really different with my MIL (I have a good relationship with her) but I think I'm particularly sensitive to this kind of thing (one big reason I'm choosing a homebirth).

On the other hand, I worry that I would regret not having DD here, especially if everything goes well and if she wanted to be here. She knows she has the option to stay or to go (we've talked about it a lot and she's seen videos). I don't want her to feel kicked out of her own house or miss the potential bonding experience with her sister. DH especially wants her to be here.

[Ssmmbb78]

i am having the same dilemma!! i would be very interested to hear what others think, or what has worked or not worked for others who had a 2.5 year old around (or not around) during a home birth. part of me likes the idea of having my daughter stay until/unless she or i decide things aren't working, but i feel like her departure might be less traumatic for her if it happened before i am in really intense labor, so that i will still be "myself" and can say goodbye more calmly, etc. i'd love for her to be close if she and i were both okay with it, but i have a feeling that one or both of us will get distracted/upset ... and we are going to be living in a very small apartment, so there won't be many places for her and her caregiver (also likely my mother in law) to go, other than out of the apartment entirely.

am looking forward to hearing others' thoughts. i imagine there are other threads about this topic too? i will have to hunt for them...

[americanjuly]

i had my HBAC in April and my dd had just turned two in Feb. My plan was to keep her home as long as I could, and if she got to be too distracting, my mom was going to come and pick her up and take her to her house because our house is small, and we had two midwives and my chiro/doula there in addition to me and DH. I am extremely close to DD and really wanted her to be there for the birth of her sibling, and also felt like she would be a help to me during labor - my ideal situation was that i would go into labor at night while she slept, and when she woke up, there would be a baby wishful thinking...

what ended up happening was I went into labor at midnight, she slept all the way through my labor until about 6 am, then she came and sat in the living room with my chiro (whom she was familiar with) and watched us labor in and out of the pool for about an hour - labor started getting more intense, and hubby made the decision to call my mom. My mom came, and gather a few things for dd, and around 7:30 they left. My second DD was born at 8:45 am.

I really wish that she had stayed through the whole thing - I don't think she was scared or anything - we had watched a couple of videos and talked about it - and I know DH made what he thought was the best call, but next time I will try and have both my girls there through the whole thing.

(my mom brought dd back around 11 or 12 and she met the baby along with my mom and 3 sisters, which was one of the reasons i'd wished she had stayed through the whole thing, but then my mom did take her back with her for the afternoon so we could sleep - that is the only thing i personally would reccommend, is getting a couple hours shortly after the birth to sleep and not worry about your older child).

Good luck ladies!! my homebirth was the best experience i've ever had! I can't wait to do it again!

[angelachristin]

Well, my situation is a little bit different because I don't really have another option for my DS, who will be 34 months old at the time of my upcoming homebirth. The only family we have nearby is MIL, whom DS loves, but I...do NOT, to put it mildly, and there is no way I would or could have her here during my birth. She actually isn't even to know when I am in labor, because she is an old-school former nurse who would flip out at the thought of homebirth, so she doesn't even know we are homebirthing. Part of the reason, though by no means all, that I chose homebirth at all is so that I can have my DS with me and not have to worry about him being with her, etc. I was thinking of getting a doula so that DH can be more available for DS if he needs to, but I'm 33 weeks now and finances are tighter than ever with my DH still unemployed, so that isn't looking so much like an option anymore. I am just going to go with the flow and I'm sure it will all work out in the end! My DH isn't the best at being a labor support anyway, so if he has to be with DS much of the time and only comes in as the baby is being born (if he has to take DS away if either he or I is having a problem with it), that is fine.

[tireesix]

We had no option but to have children around for the home births as no one else is around to look after them.

For DD2 (homebirth number 1) I went into labour early morning, DD1 was 18 months at the time and she was there from start (5 am) to finish (6ish pm). I had worried about her being anxious etc but she was absolutely fine and loved helping out with stuff for mummy and stroking my head.

For DD3 (homebirth number 2), I went into labour at 10ish pm I think it was, gave birth about 3:30am. Everyone was asleep but DD1 (aged 4 1/2) woke up when the MW came around a little while later. She was FASCINATED by the whole repair of my tear etc, I wasn't entirely comfortable with her watching but she really enjoyed it all, so there we go! DD2 didn't wake up until about an hour after the birth, shes just real laid back anyway (she was nearly 3 at the time).

Children do really well but I guess some of it is how you birth. I simply cannot be noisy, it goes against every part of me, so i may grunt a little, say the odd swear word, but other than that, it is a quiet, calm affair. I think, had I been very noisy etc, it might have been a different matter.

Really, its down to what you feel comfortable with.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I might get flamed for saying this, but I think 2.5 is too young for a HB. At that age they really can't understand that mom's moaning/crying/suffering (as it appears) but everythings ok. I think it's just too much for them.

My DD will almost be 5 when I (hopefully) have this HBAC, and I've planned on my mother to take her to her house while the action is going on, but then bring her back asap. She sounds a lot like your lo. I just don't want to cause her undue stress.

[eaustin]

I also struggled with this decision, and as I have not been through it yet, I am anxious to see how it goes! My MIL would be the logical choice, but I would not feel comfortable with her around during labor, so we decided to go with a doula soley in charge of looking after my 34 mo old. We have a couple lined up that are both in the process of being certified and therefore not charging fees yet. I think I will be most comfortable with people used to birth, and that are used to being on call. I am due any day now and hoping it all goes smoothly-ideally in the middle of the night while the big sister sleeps!

[lindsayjean]

I worried about the same thing with my 2.5 yr old. So we planned for my mom to pick her up. Turns out I went into labor at 11:30pm and had DS at 1:54am... so she slept through the whole thing. My midwife said she sees that a lot with moms of toddlers... like their body waits until their toddler goes to sleep. I do think that DD would have been kind of distracting for me with all her questions, but hope to have her at my next birth when she's older.

[FrolicingMama]

My midwife said that in her experience children over 2 do quite well at births, but I think you have to also go by what you know about your own child and what you want for yourself. I would think that there are some younger children that would do well at a birth and probably some older ones who would not. I'm sure personality and how much your prepare them play a large role. In the end, you know yourself and your child and I think you should do what feels right for your family. I agree with the previous poster though and would suggest trying to at least have older children there as soon as possible after the birth as that is such an important bonding time.

My daughter is 2.5 and we plan to have her here for the birth. My mom will be here to care for her and to take her out of the room if things become too intense. I am not quiet, but I am preparing her for that. We have been watching a dvd that shows several births that are quite different. in one of them the baby is posterior and the mom cries a lot. The first time we watched it, this was upsetting to my daughter but we talked about how having the baby come out can hurt a lot, but that the mommy is ok and just needs people to be nice to her and rub her back and shoulders. Then she can see the part after the birth in the video when the mom is alright and we talk about that. I've also talked about some of the noises I might make and explain to her that pushing out the baby is hard work and I even make some sounds for her. I also keep telling her that she can be there for the whole birth if she wants to, but that she does not have to stay and that Grandma will take her somewhere else if it gets too scary or she just wants to leave and then she can come back after the baby is out.

I feel very good about our plans to have her present for the birth, but my daughter is good at communicating her feelings and is pretty assertive, so I am confident she will speak up if it gets to be too much. She also LOVES watching the video and is very excited about the birth.

[Pookietooth]

I haven't decided exactly, but ds has said he'd rather not see it -- he's worried he would be freaked out by blood, which he doesn't like to see. Problem is, the only person who can take care of him is my friend who has a daugher a few months younger than him, and I couldn't see all three of them being here for the birth. So it looks like he will be going with her. He has separation anxiety, so it will be interesting.

[MandyB]

I think that whether to have your daughter at the birth is a very personal decision, but can tell you my own experiences. My children are all 2 1/2 years apart (give or take a month or two each way) and have all been at the birth of their siblings. I don't regret one bit having them be there, and they weren't traumatized in any way. They really felt like they were a part of this family experience and my son who is almost 7, still remembers being at the birth of both of his sisters. My daughter, who is 4 1/2 right now, doesn't remember being at her little sister's birth, but LOVES to watch the DVD of it now that we're preparing for another baby! My 25 month old also loves watching the DVD of her own birth!

With my 1st homebirth, we chose to birth at my parents house. My aunt had asked to be there for the birth, my mom was invited to be there, dh of course, and my son and my neice (who's like a daughter to me - I was raising her at the time and she was 4). I pretty much labored with just my midwives and my husband in the bedroom and everyone else was allowed to enter right when the baby was coming out. It was an 8 hour labor throughout the night and I could NOT have handled everyone in there while I was laboring. From about 6am - 8:30am when the house "woke up" I was completely annoyed and distracted by the loud TV on in the living room and hearing everyone discussing what was going on in the room I was in! I was still glad my son was there for the moment that his sister came out though, I just wished I hadn't had all the "other" people! It was a very special moment to share with him as our family grew!

With my second homebirth, I had told everyone that I only wanted the midwives and dh there, and my mom was going take the kids to the park or something until the baby was ready to come out. Well, my birth was SO fast (only about an hour long from beginning to end) that thank goodness my children were asleep! It was around midnight. My dh called my mom because I decided I wanted her there afterall. Everyone arrived about 15 minutes before the baby and my mom went and woke up my kids just before I pushed out their little sister. They were both there to see her be born, but not until that last second. That moment after she made her arrival, and sharing it with my other two children is just SO special! I cannot explain it, but answering all of their "baby" questions and letting them look at the baby and kiss him/her, and the looks on their faces is just so sweet and endearing!

SO, I think if I were you I would have your MIL watch your DD throughout the labor (even better if they can go for a walk or somewhere in the house where you don't have to hear them) and then bring her in at the last minute. During that final "push", I was so engrossed in the actual pushing, that I couldn't even be distracted by people entering at that point.

Good luck with your decision!

[batsoup]

Originally Posted by FrolicingMama

We have been watching a dvd that shows several births that are quite different. in one of them the baby is posterior and the mom cries a lot. The first time we watched it, this was upsetting to my daughter but we talked about how having the baby come out can hurt a lot, but that the mommy is ok and just needs people to be nice to her and rub her back and shoulders. Then she can see the part after the birth in the video when the mom is alright and we talk about that. I've also talked about some of the noises I might make and explain to her that pushing out the baby is hard work and I even make some sounds for her.

Could you share the video you've been watching? I'm looking for good ones to watch with my just-3yo to prepare for our homebirth. He'll be there, and it's been really helpful to read this thread for all the variations in plans

[clemrose]

We plan on having our 2.5 yr old dd at the birth of her sibling (in the next five weeks or so).

My daughter is very empathetic, something that does give me some concern over how she'll react to me laboring/birthing. But I've been preparing her and planning for her care.

We've looked at the pictures of her HB (as a slideshow on the computer) and discussed them. Now she frequently double checks with me, "Baby's gonna come out a the 'gina?"

She's seen the video of her birth once, with the volume turned really low (lots of grunting, no yelling or screaming really). We'll watch it several more times w/ the volume turned up.

We will have a crowd in for the birth...midwife & two student midwives, my mom, sister, mil, and two cousins. My sister is my dd's care person during the birth. I completely trust my sister's instinct with my dd and know she'll do as I would want her to do. I had thought about mil being the one, but didn't realized she might be overly concerned and have my dd leave even if that isn't necessary. My mom & dad live close by so my dad can come get dd if need be.

Thought I would also add that I was at my first birth (HB of one of my cousins) when I was 22 months. I actually have a single picture of my aunt pushing in my head, but I wasn't traumatized. My brother was 2.5 when my sister was born and he spent the whole pushing phase in his crib, jumping up and down, and literally asking "What's going on over there?" when his view of my mom on the bed was blocked by people.

[mama k nj]

My vote would be trust your instincts. You know your child better than anyone and if you think it would be stressful for her or for you to have her there, having her with a trusted caregiver sounds like a great plan to me.

My son is 3yo and I am planning on my mom coming down to watch him. The plan is for me to be in the kitchen in the main part of the house. So it's not like she can just take him in another room if things got noisy or whatever.
So I'm hoping he will just sleep through the whole thing and my mom will stay in his room w/ him in case he wakes up. If it's during the day, she will most likely come and pick him up and take him out or back to her house. I would like him to come back right after the birth though.

I know that it would be very distracting for ME to have him around. He is very curious and can get very demanding at times. My doula is a good friend of mine who he loves. He's close to his daddy too. So I guess my fear would be that he want all their attention and they are there to support me. So that would obviously cause him to be upset when they can't go off and play with him. IDK, just didn't seem fair to either him or me. At 3yo, I think he is too young to fully understand what is going on and I don't want to scare or upset him either.

[mcgee]

We are totally undecided on this. Our DD will be 3.5 when I'm due, and she's very mature for her age. She's also very verbal, so I kind of dread her going to preschool and telling all of her classmates "I saw my baby brother explode from my mommy's vagina." Because that's exactly the sort of thing she'd say.

The indecision is frustrating though because I feel like if she's going to be there, I should be doing more to explain birth and prepare her for it. But I'm just not sure if her presence is a good idea in terms of maintaining a calm and relaxed environment for the birth (we are doing Hypnobabies). I wish I could guarantee that my mom will arrive before the birth, because if I could, I'd trust my mom to watch her and keep her close by in case we wanted her in the room.