I'm back again. 
After another series of things my dd did, I decided that her circle of friends are not people she needs to be around. I know taking away friends is a last resort, however... these kids are NO WHERE near her age. They are older teenagers in the neighborhood. For a long time this past year she was on eyesight restriction and it worked to keep her out of trouble. Eventually I let her leave my direct sight, and immediately she went back to join their crowd.
The majority of the kids are 16 and older. She just turned 11. From talking to her, she believes she is far more mature than 11. (I don't think she is) She IS physically larger, and as tall as I am. So to outsiders she looks older than 11 and I think years of hearing this has inflated her sense of self and maturity.
She has very few friends that are in her age range, and only seems to "hang out" with them when her other circle of friends is not around.
These other friends, I'll call them the "homies" cause thats what she calls them. They are basically a misfit group of kids of a few age ranges, a couple of the boys are 13 and 14, and the rest of the girls are no younger than 16. A few are even legal adults. They smoke cigs, weed, drink, and according to my daughter are even taking pills. Of course, my daughter thinks none of those are "drugs" because her friends don't "do drugs."
Hanging out consists of sitting on a porch and hanging out. I do not allow her on the porch because the owner of said porch has verbally assaulted both me and my 6 year old in the past. Still, I have caught her on the porch and once in the past few weeks she was even inside their house. (A HUGE NO) She snuck out the back slider when they told her that her mother was here. ... when asked why, she told me that they were just playing video games in there. But no, no responsible parent was there at all. (which is the main reason I have issues with this group of "kids" There are never responsible adults. Only the type of adults that give them beer and tell raunchy jokes. You know what I mean?)
Anyway, to make a long story short... the other night she went to stay the night at her "friends" house. I previously called the mother every single time to check. (its only two doors down from here in the development) This friend is older, but I allowed sleepovers before because this girl in particular.. though she is friends with the others, isn't into drugs or drinking. I had a long talk with her parents and they felt confident she was mature and that it would be ok for my daughter to spend the night. So anyway, she went to her house and later I called my daughter and spoke to her and she said she was there.. I asked if she could spend the night she said yes. I had no reason not to believe her. I should have called the mother again to check. Its the first time I didn't double check up on her, and I had a gut feeling and didn't follow through on it.
It turns out that her "friend" told her to lie and say she was going to her house for the night, and they all.. the entire group of homies went and spent the night in a tent in the woods behind the development. .... it wasn't just the girls. It was the boys too.
In the moment I found out (through checking up on her text messages) .. I felt like a failure. I am IN HER STUFF all the time. I am checking and double checking constantly. I run myself ragged trying to make sure I know what, who and where she is and all of that 100% of the time. And I wasn't feeling good one night and completely dropped the ball.
I think back to my own childhood and I didn't try that stunt until I was 13..and certainly not on the heels of what she did only the day before!
Anyway, I decided that this circle of friends has to stop. They aren't her friends. They don't care about her at all. (grounded to the house for 3 days so far, no one has written her an email or called or texted her phone at all.) They just don't care about her, and why should they? What does a newly turned 11 year old have to offer them accept put them on a pedestal?
She is beyond upset. It seems she cycles through OMG MAMA NO! please don't! They mean everything to me! and actually being social with us, and laughing and playing. Something she rarely does anymore. So I'm very confused with her behavior.
I am putting her into as many activities as I can this fall. I want to fill up her available time, and I want her to make friends in her own age group. I wouldn't have such a problem with this whole thing if these trouble maker people were her age. It would somehow be easier for me to sort through. But these kids aren't! And yet, she still sees them as peers?
She doesn't communicate with me talking. She only writes me letters. I used to do the same thing as a child, so I write her back. We talk that way. I woke up to a 5 page letter in front of my door this morning. It was calmly written, where she tried again to explain how important her friends were to her, and that I was crushing her whole world.
"You have things that are important to you right? Your plants, and your things grammy gave you, and your pictures. What if I ripped them all up in front of you and destroyed them? You'd be upset. You'd be hurt. Thats what you're doing to me."
and then her letter went on to say that she held a butter knife to her throat last night while I was sleeping, and thought about jumping out the window. That she tried to give herself a bloody nose the day before on purpose. And failing that she decided to scratch her legs with the butter knife just so she could see the blood, and it made her feel a little better.
The rest of the letter was filled with a lot of emotional stuff. She said she knew I wouldn't change my mind about her friends, but that she wanted to tell me all this stuff anyway. That she wondered why she didn't just jump out the window, etc.
I'm no stranger to para-suicidal thoughts. I am an ex- cutter myself. (before kids) Except I didn't tell people, or use it the way it seems she is.
My first inclination is to ignore it, and I know thats not right. Even if she IS hoping I'll change my mind about her friends.. she still shouldn't be seeking it out in this manner correct?
Getting her in therapy would be easy enough. I have my own appointment today, I'll just schedule an intake for her when I go in.
I just need some reassurance here.
Am I doing the right thing?
I would normally never try to take away her friends. But these friends are so much older than her, and they are not good influences, AND she isn't mature enough to stay out of bad situations. In the same letter she describes her trying to cut herself, she goes on to say that she hangs out with older kids because it makes her feel older, and because she believes she is more mature than kids her age. I don't mind her hanging with a few years older... but am I going against some parental rule here? SHOULD I be allowing her to have her own friends regardless of age and behavior? Should an 11 year old be allowed to hang out with 16-19 year olds when they've proven not to be a good influence?
Please tell me I'm not crazy for thinking that I'm well within my job as a parent to say enough is enough. (and even that I was stupid to allow it in the first place.. I know.)
Normal 11 year olds do not respond this way correct? Is there a difference between para-suicidal talk and behavior when you directly tell someone as a result of a consequence (like she did) or is that always just manipulation?
Please write back and be gentle with me. I'm pregnant and hormonal.
After another series of things my dd did, I decided that her circle of friends are not people she needs to be around. I know taking away friends is a last resort, however... these kids are NO WHERE near her age. They are older teenagers in the neighborhood. For a long time this past year she was on eyesight restriction and it worked to keep her out of trouble. Eventually I let her leave my direct sight, and immediately she went back to join their crowd.
The majority of the kids are 16 and older. She just turned 11. From talking to her, she believes she is far more mature than 11. (I don't think she is) She IS physically larger, and as tall as I am. So to outsiders she looks older than 11 and I think years of hearing this has inflated her sense of self and maturity.
She has very few friends that are in her age range, and only seems to "hang out" with them when her other circle of friends is not around.
These other friends, I'll call them the "homies" cause thats what she calls them. They are basically a misfit group of kids of a few age ranges, a couple of the boys are 13 and 14, and the rest of the girls are no younger than 16. A few are even legal adults. They smoke cigs, weed, drink, and according to my daughter are even taking pills. Of course, my daughter thinks none of those are "drugs" because her friends don't "do drugs."
Hanging out consists of sitting on a porch and hanging out. I do not allow her on the porch because the owner of said porch has verbally assaulted both me and my 6 year old in the past. Still, I have caught her on the porch and once in the past few weeks she was even inside their house. (A HUGE NO) She snuck out the back slider when they told her that her mother was here. ... when asked why, she told me that they were just playing video games in there. But no, no responsible parent was there at all. (which is the main reason I have issues with this group of "kids" There are never responsible adults. Only the type of adults that give them beer and tell raunchy jokes. You know what I mean?)
Anyway, to make a long story short... the other night she went to stay the night at her "friends" house. I previously called the mother every single time to check. (its only two doors down from here in the development) This friend is older, but I allowed sleepovers before because this girl in particular.. though she is friends with the others, isn't into drugs or drinking. I had a long talk with her parents and they felt confident she was mature and that it would be ok for my daughter to spend the night. So anyway, she went to her house and later I called my daughter and spoke to her and she said she was there.. I asked if she could spend the night she said yes. I had no reason not to believe her. I should have called the mother again to check. Its the first time I didn't double check up on her, and I had a gut feeling and didn't follow through on it.
It turns out that her "friend" told her to lie and say she was going to her house for the night, and they all.. the entire group of homies went and spent the night in a tent in the woods behind the development. .... it wasn't just the girls. It was the boys too.
In the moment I found out (through checking up on her text messages) .. I felt like a failure. I am IN HER STUFF all the time. I am checking and double checking constantly. I run myself ragged trying to make sure I know what, who and where she is and all of that 100% of the time. And I wasn't feeling good one night and completely dropped the ball.
I think back to my own childhood and I didn't try that stunt until I was 13..and certainly not on the heels of what she did only the day before!
Anyway, I decided that this circle of friends has to stop. They aren't her friends. They don't care about her at all. (grounded to the house for 3 days so far, no one has written her an email or called or texted her phone at all.) They just don't care about her, and why should they? What does a newly turned 11 year old have to offer them accept put them on a pedestal?
She is beyond upset. It seems she cycles through OMG MAMA NO! please don't! They mean everything to me! and actually being social with us, and laughing and playing. Something she rarely does anymore. So I'm very confused with her behavior.
I am putting her into as many activities as I can this fall. I want to fill up her available time, and I want her to make friends in her own age group. I wouldn't have such a problem with this whole thing if these trouble maker people were her age. It would somehow be easier for me to sort through. But these kids aren't! And yet, she still sees them as peers?
She doesn't communicate with me talking. She only writes me letters. I used to do the same thing as a child, so I write her back. We talk that way. I woke up to a 5 page letter in front of my door this morning. It was calmly written, where she tried again to explain how important her friends were to her, and that I was crushing her whole world.
"You have things that are important to you right? Your plants, and your things grammy gave you, and your pictures. What if I ripped them all up in front of you and destroyed them? You'd be upset. You'd be hurt. Thats what you're doing to me."
and then her letter went on to say that she held a butter knife to her throat last night while I was sleeping, and thought about jumping out the window. That she tried to give herself a bloody nose the day before on purpose. And failing that she decided to scratch her legs with the butter knife just so she could see the blood, and it made her feel a little better.
The rest of the letter was filled with a lot of emotional stuff. She said she knew I wouldn't change my mind about her friends, but that she wanted to tell me all this stuff anyway. That she wondered why she didn't just jump out the window, etc.
I'm no stranger to para-suicidal thoughts. I am an ex- cutter myself. (before kids) Except I didn't tell people, or use it the way it seems she is.
My first inclination is to ignore it, and I know thats not right. Even if she IS hoping I'll change my mind about her friends.. she still shouldn't be seeking it out in this manner correct?
Getting her in therapy would be easy enough. I have my own appointment today, I'll just schedule an intake for her when I go in.
I just need some reassurance here.
Am I doing the right thing?
I would normally never try to take away her friends. But these friends are so much older than her, and they are not good influences, AND she isn't mature enough to stay out of bad situations. In the same letter she describes her trying to cut herself, she goes on to say that she hangs out with older kids because it makes her feel older, and because she believes she is more mature than kids her age. I don't mind her hanging with a few years older... but am I going against some parental rule here? SHOULD I be allowing her to have her own friends regardless of age and behavior? Should an 11 year old be allowed to hang out with 16-19 year olds when they've proven not to be a good influence?
Please tell me I'm not crazy for thinking that I'm well within my job as a parent to say enough is enough. (and even that I was stupid to allow it in the first place.. I know.)
Normal 11 year olds do not respond this way correct? Is there a difference between para-suicidal talk and behavior when you directly tell someone as a result of a consequence (like she did) or is that always just manipulation?
Please write back and be gentle with me. I'm pregnant and hormonal.
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