My wife's suffering, my fear

[Sahd]

Hi folks, I was hoping to be able to share some of my situation with mothers who have suffered from PPD. I'm pretty confused right now...

My wife and I had our first child this February and we both recognized that she was probably a candidate for PPD. During pregnancy she was riddled with feelings of inadequacy and really stressed over whether our child would love her. So here we are five and half months into parenthood and it pains me to say it but its been pretty miserable.

After much deliberation prior to the birth we both decided that I would stay at home with the baby as my wife's salary is higher than what mine was and we were both pretty excited about this decision. Not sure if that's even relevant to the situation or not. So almost immediately after birth my wife became very protective of our baby (a good and natural thing I'm thinking) but she was especially fearful of my mom having much contact with our newborn daughter. There were a number of mother in law issues during pregnancy where my mom would say something that offended my wife.

Anyway, to keep this relatively short, we now are dealing with some pretty significant issues. My wife is sad almost all the time and constantly worries that someone is going to steal her baby. She dreams regularly that my mom is trying to steal our daughter and now she says that I am in the dreams as well, helping my mother to take the child. For many weeks now I could always tell the nights she would have the dreams because she wouldn't talk to me at all in the mornings before work and most of the day ahead. She has spent many nights crying.

All of that is sort of the foundation for what I'm really here for. I've suspected PPD for a long while now and my wife and generally are very open communicators, so we've discussed it. The biggest problems are her fears of inadequacy as a mother and, what has now grown into, a near constant loathing of my mother. We (my wife and I) started counseling, together, last Saturday and will be continuing.

But here is what I'm specifically here for. I now feel that my wife no longer loves me. Most days she will not make eye contact with me and any conversation we have is very, I don't know, vague and very distant for her. She's VERY easily agitated by most anything I do or say now, to the point that I'm constantly analyzing every action or word that I'm about to do or say out of fear of how they'll be taken. I don't get the feeling that she hates me, but its like she just tolerates my presence. She acts very similarly to the way you'd act when in a situation (like a party or at work) where you're sort of forced to be around someone that you don't really care one way or the other about. You don't ignore them or anything, you just do the bare minimum that social etiquette mandates. Does that make sense? Well that's how she acts towards me.

So what I'm wondering is, could this be a symptom of PPD? I'm praying that it is, but I'm fearful that her feelings for me have just changed altogether. Some days I feel like she's going to come home from work and drop the bomb on me, that she's leaving me. Then somedays it feels like she's trying to shut me out to the point that I'll leave, so that she won't have to do it herself. And divorce is the FURTHEST thing from my mind, I still love my wife very much and am so sad for her. But she has said numerous times about counceling, "I'm just afraid we aren't going to make it through this." Which of course was always very shocking to me because I never realized that we were really having a problem. Us not making it through this wasn't even a possible outcome in my view of the horizon, not when she first started making the comments anyway. Now, I don't know. It just feels like she's maybe done with us and is just going through the motions until it becomes a formal decision. I don't even understand how this happened...

Well, that was way too long. Hopefully someone made it through it all and can give me some insight. Could all of this just be PPD making her feel this way towards me? If you have any experience with it, I'd be gracious for hearing your opinion of my situation. Thanks for getting to the end....

[Juvysen]

I had sort of a mild ppd after my last child and would get super agitated at my DH (even though he's awesome and helpful and really picked up most of my slack). Post partum hormones are not easy to deal with, and new parenthood isn't a picnic either.

I clearly remember thinking "I wonder what would happen if I moved in with my mom and left Dh for a while"... but I knew that was ridiculous since he hadn't done anything wrong.

I guess I don't have any advice, just wanted to offer hugs.

[Sahd]

Thank you for sharing that Juvysen, that gives me a little hope. I've done a lot of reading about PPD and what husbands can do to help but our situation is a little unorthodox. Since I'm a the stay at home dad, all house chores are already mine and much of the baby duties are mine. I'm always trying to find other things I can do to help relieve her stress and I'm always trying to be there for her to talk to. But I think that irritates her. We've talked and talked and talked so much that now, I think she just wants me to go away and leave her alone.

Its very difficult. Thank you so much again though for sharing that. I'm hoping to discover through the counseling that the depression (if it is indeed PPD, she gets to do her evaluation next Monday) is causing a lot of this. There are other issues at play as well, that would have made the initial post even longer, but the depression seems to have brought every single bump and hurtle of the relationship back to the forefront...and magnified them it seems.

[Juvysen]

That was my experience. It let up when my son was maybe 10 months or so? And i got back to feeling lovey with my husband (and really, stopped being so unreasonable, which is how I feel I was being).

Hope she gets toward feeling better.

I think sometimes vitamins and minerals can help with PPD. I'm strongly considering doing (this is going to sound weird) the thing where you dry the placenta and put it in pills so you can take it without feeling like you're eating it because it's supposed to help ward off PPD.

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by Sahd

But here is what I'm specifically here for. I now feel that my wife no longer loves me. Most days she will not make eye contact with me and any conversation we have is very, I don't know, vague and very distant for her. She's VERY easily agitated by most anything I do or say now, to the point that I'm constantly analyzing every action or word that I'm about to do or say out of fear of how they'll be taken. I don't get the feeling that she hates me, but its like she just tolerates my presence. She acts very similarly to the way you'd act when in a situation (like a party or at work) where you're sort of forced to be around someone that you don't really care one way or the other about. You don't ignore them or anything, you just do the bare minimum that social etiquette mandates. Does that make sense? Well that's how she acts towards me.
....

Originally Posted by Sahd

Since I'm a the stay at home dad, all house chores are already mine and much of the baby duties are mine. I'm always trying to find other things I can do to help relieve her stress and I'm always trying to be there for her to talk to. But I think that irritates her. We've talked and talked and talked so much that now, I think she just wants me to go away and leave her alone.

First and good for you for helping your wife! Also the councleing is awesome, you should find good help through that. I am suffering some PPD and anxiety with my second child (alot of it is grief for me), I'm sure I had it with my first though I didn't get any help it just slowly went away as babe got bigger, we moved and I wans't as lonely. Also my sister suffered MAJOR PPD, meaning suicide attempts, hospitalization etc for 2 years! So I'm no where near an expert but have been around it

My DH is constantly asking me if I still love him cause I no longer show affection towards him. For me, I just have none left to give. I've been touched all day by a 4yo and 3mo I just don't have the desire. I do get angry at him for all his freedom too. But I still LOVE him deeply and I know this will pass.

IMO do you think your wife is resenting that you get to stay home? Do you think now that the baby is here that she didn't get enough time to really bond with the baby that this may be why she feels inadequate as a mom and that maybe your mom will try to take over because she can't be there for her baby? I know I would have plummeted if I had to leave my baby. I am a very protective mama and didn't let anyone hold my first child for more than a min especially MIL. We have issues also, and they became more apparnt when we had children. I get anxiety when DH talks about MIL even if it's a postive thing...I"ll be working on this in therapy I'm a bit better with LO but not much, and really I'm okay with that...I"ve always felt everyone else had their babies this is mine to care for so just let me do it! This is the job I was created for. I only ever wanted to be a SAHM and wife. Has yor wife changed her mind, does she want to be home? Maybe she is missing that mother child bond and by you doing everything that typically a mom does she is feeling like less of a woman/mom, she is missing the connection? Do you care for babe when she's home or does she? Does your mom come over while your wife is at work?

Sorry I'm all ove rthe place with this, it's hard to type with kids around! I'm not even sure this helped you but here it is. I'm so glad you are being proactive and helping her...alot of DHs don't understand and therefor dont' support I'm grateful to have an understanding one even if he still doesn't get that my emotions have nothing to do with him.


ETA could she be grieving the pregnant women she used to be? I am. Did she enjoy her pregnancy and the connection that she had her baby all to herself?

[Sahd]

Hey SltS, thank you so much for the response and you tossed out some really good stuff that I'll comment on. You were all over the place but in a good way, I was nodding along at every direction shift!

I'm terrified that resentment may be an issue. This is really tough though because we knew when we were making the decision to do it that resentment was something to be careful of and watch out for. We talked at great length about it and she has constantly assured me that it is not happening. I personally still have my doubts though because with the emotions she's feeling (inadequacy, daughter will love others more than her, difficulties leaving daughter for work each day, etc.) I just don't see how she can't resent me for that. She still says she's not though, even during very recent discussions. She always says she's just glad that we're not having to use a daycare and that I can be home with our daughter. So I don't know, I feel like I've pressed and poked and prodded this topic with her till I just can't do it any more. At some point I have to trust that she's being honest with me.

But yeah, its killing her having to leave our daughter every day. She hates it. I always walk out with her in the mornings to see her off and she always holds our daughter so tightly and tells her repeatedly, "It'll just be 4 short hours honey and mommy will be right back home with you." She comes home at lunchtime to nurse her. So yeah, going back to work is very tough on her.

When she gets home though, I try to be as hands off with our daughter as possible. I don't really mind that much, as I usually can stand to have a break by then anyway you know. But I try my best to let her just have her way with DD and not interfere because I know she's enjoying the few hours she's getting with her each day. She totally slips into mothering mode for the evening and I stand back.

As far as my mom is concerned, yes there were some hurt feelings during pregnancy (for both parties, my mom and my wife have cried repeatedly at hurt feelings from the other....its very stressful for me). My mom is works at an elementary school and so gets summers off and yeah, she was really looking forward to visiting some this summer. We live about an hour from each of our families. However, my wife was very reticent about letting this happen. I didn't really get it early on that it was THIS big of a problem or I'd have stopped it earlier. Mom has visited twice this summer, but I've since stopped it because it is really really bother my wife. She's terrified of my mom and worried that she's always whispering to our daughter what a bad mom my wife is. My wife admits that its illogical, but she has the overwhelming fear that my mom is going to physically steal our child from her.

This fear has really made parenthood a completely different thing than what we were expecting. Its very painful for my parents as well because its really kept them from having the opportunity to spend time with their grandchild. They're really hurting over this. Its almost like EVERYONE is dying a slow death because of this thing that is eating away at us from the inside. Even my relationship with my parents and my grandmother have suffered greatly from this problem.

Yes, I think my wife is grieving over having to move beyond pregnancy. Even when she was pregnant she would say that she wished she could just keep our daughter in her and not have to bring her out into the world. She would get sad about the fact that soon, she wouldn't have our child all to herself. Those are the red flags that we noticed early on and talked to the doctor about during pregnancy.

I just feel terrible for everyone. My wife says I'm the fixer of our families, that I always have to patch and mend relationships and stuff and I think I do that too much maybe. But its extremely stressful watching everyone be so hurt by this (except for her family, not meaning to sound snarky about this because I really do love my inlaws and have a great relationship with them....but they have remained unscathed from this whole affair and are very close to our daughter). My physical health is actually beginning to suffer because of the stress this is creating. Its not fair to my wife that she has to feel this way and that parenthood is so sad for her. Same for me. And its not fair to my parents to be excluded in the ways they have been.

Whew, sorry again for the length, its just nice to be able to share and hear others thoughts. As I said to begin with though, I'm really hoping to just find out that my wife may still actually love me and that the depression and stress are causing our distance rather than a genuine change of feelings for me. Now that we've started with the counselor it feels like it takes so long till we can get to our next session, so its nice to talk in between.

[netgyks]

Is your wife ok with letting your parents see a picture each week via email of your daughter? That might help them out. Maybe your mother could write a letter of support and encouragement to your wife?

I feel bad for all of you! How stressful this has been, I hope time and counseling will resolve the issue. Maybe by her first or second birthday you will all be together and healed and celebrating as a whole family unit again. Hang in there dad, you're doing so much for everyone. Be sure to get plenty of healthy food and outdoor time to help keep your strength up. I think you really are the glue in your family.

[tappinerp]

I know that this is a hard time for both you and your dw.

And I can also say that I relate to a lot of what your dw is going through.

We also chose to have dh be the stay-at-home parent/part-time student and I work full time. After ds was born, I was hit hard with PPD. I was fortunate to be able to take advantage of FMLA and so I had 3 full months at home with ds before I had to go back to work- but those first 3 months I was such a wreck (didn't get help for PPD until 2.5 months after his birth) so I don't really remember much of that time period. I am still very sad about that.

Honestly, I was glad to go back to work. I felt like I was a terrible mother who wasn't bonding with my child (even though we were cosleeping, nursing on demand, not CIO, etc...). I felt like EVERYONE could do a better job at raising my son than i could- DH, my mom, my sister, my best friend, any and everyone who came over to help. And I WAS relieved that my son would be cared for primarily by dh and on days when he had class by my mom. And I really like/liked my job. But it was still so incredibly hard. And having PPD made it harder.

I think that as a woman, you are raised with the expectation that you will be the SAHP. You will immediately bond with your child, you will be glowing with excitement and love, and that you will instinctively know how to mother. And while those mamma instincts DEFINITELY are there (I was an incredibly protective mamma bear... no doubt about that, and I did LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ds) the PPD makes it hard to think/feel clearly and rationally. I suspenct that rationally, logically, your wife IS glad to be back at work- she knows that it is a safe environment for your LO while she is gone, she is relieved that it is YOU caring for the babe and not someone else... she isn't lying when she says that. (not that you implied she was, I am just affirming that I would believe her). At the same time, she is dealing with a lot. She is trying to cope with the societal pressure that SHE should be the one at home, regardless of the logical reasons that she is working. As a little girl, she probably played "house" and she never dreamed she would be working- she was the caretaker of her baby dolls. And now that it is real life, it isn't happening that way. Again- logical or not, your wife is feeling very, very torn. It takes time to be okay with being a working mom (not for all, but for many) simply because it ISN'T the norm. And again, her PPD is clouding the issue even further.

I am like your dw- in that the moment I walk through the door, I 100% take over all mommy/parenting duties. DS is attached to me the second I walk in the door and styas with me until he is sound asleep. I don't go to many social activities if I can't bring DS with me- so no "girls night out" or other things tlike that (even though I probably need it- but I can't bare the thought of leaving ds for one more second).

I do find myself (even still after 3 years) not so much resenting my dh, but I am jealous of the time he gets with our ds. I don't get to go to the zoo, park, museum, pool, etc. And it sucks. But it is what is best for our family, and NOW I can see that. And it is okay.

I do still feel like my mom judges me pretty harshly for not being the SAHP. Realistically, I think she understands our situation, but she absolutely wishes it was different (she has always been a SAHP/SAHW). I know that you mom is a teacher- but your wife is probably just being overly sensitive to the fact that right now your mom is able to be with your child when SHE can't be. It isn't so much that she doesn't want your mom to be in your kid's life. It is probably just that she is jealous of that time and worries about what your mom thinks about her parenting skills and may not agree with eveything your mom says/does in the way that she grandparents and wants to have some control.

I KNOW that I am talking in circles. It is definitely my pregnant brain that is making it hard for me to type what I am thinking. And it seems that anytime I talk about that time in my life, everything starts to get jumbled.

I am glad that you are going for councelling and that your wife is getting evaluated. Hopefully in the next couple months things will look much, much, better. I am fairly confident that your wife still loves you She is just going through a really bad spot. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, just continue to be supportive and make sure she gets the help that she needs (medication, vitamins, therapy, whatever). In time, you will start to get your wife back I don't think I was fully "back to normal" until after DS was 2 years old- and now we are starting this whole thing over again- we must be nuts!

hang in there,

[Sahd]

Thank you netgyks. We do send pictures out regularly, but its still hard on my folks not getting to see her too much. I don't know about the letter business, both my mom and wife take everything, I mean everything, the other one does the wrong way. I'm forever hearing from each of them what the other one said to them in an email that hurt their feelings. So, letters probably aren't the thing right now. Don't get me wrong, they still write emails but it usually goes poorly.

Hey tappinerp, yeah you guys must be crazy!! My wife and I always talked about having two but we've both agreed that we can't do it like this. There's no way I could have another if I knew it would go like this one has. Hopefully though we can work through this stuff and still realize that dream though.

I think she does feel a lot of guilt for going back to work. Ironically, it was my mom that gave us a hard time for our decision to have me stay at home. My wife and mom had some pretty emotional debates over that I think and mom really hurt my wife's feelings.

Her feelings towards my mom though run deeper than just fear of judgement I'm pretty sure. She does feel that mom has unfairly judged her back when we were pregnant still and maybe that started part of this machine into action. But now, my wife just can't stand the idea of my mom being around dd. She doesn't forbid them from seeing her or anything like that, she'd never do that, but all the tension and hard feelings have taken their toll. We've had to lay down behavioral guidelines for my mom, which are a little unfair in my mind but I roll with it since the situation is so extreme. For example, not too long, we were visiting and my mom walked outside with dd to show her all the flowers around the house and down the driveway. I didn't think anything of it but my wife really freaked out.

At that time, I didn't realize she had the phobia of my mom stealing dd so now I realize where she was coming from. But what seemed like an innocent thing really crushed my wife. And throughout it all I've always tried to explain, to both parties, what the other meant by certain actions or comments. And don't get me wrong, my mom has said a few rude things. Most of those were out of hurt feelings, but still, uncalled for. But when I try to explain my wife thinks I'm taking my mom's side, so I've just had to stop doing that. Its a tough situation for me. I mean, in the end, I'll always side with my wife, no question...if it comes down to that. I've tried to do as much patch work as I can up until that happens though.

But yeah, I'm really hoping the next few months prove fruitful and we can begin to heal. I really miss my wife!!

[ShineliketheSon]

Originally Posted by Sahd

Hey SltS, thank you so much for the response and you tossed out some really good stuff that I'll comment on. You were all over the place but in a good way, I was nodding along at every direction shift!

I'm terrified that resentment may be an issue. This is really tough though because we knew when we were making the decision to do it that resentment was something to be careful of and watch out for. We talked at great length about it and she has constantly assured me that it is not happening. I personally still have my doubts though because with the emotions she's feeling (inadequacy, daughter will love others more than her, difficulties leaving daughter for work each day, etc.) I just don't see how she can't resent me for that. She still says she's not though, even during very recent discussions. She always says she's just glad that we're not having to use a daycare and that I can be home with our daughter. So I don't know, I feel like I've pressed and poked and prodded this topic with her till I just can't do it any more. At some point I have to trust that she's being honest with me.

Whew, sorry again for the length, its just nice to be able to share and hear others thoughts. As I said to begin with though, I'm really hoping to just find out that my wife may still actually love me and that the depression and stress are causing our distance rather than a genuine change of feelings for me. Now that we've started with the counselor it feels like it takes so long till we can get to our next session, so its nice to talk in between.

She may not even think it's resentment...not acutally aimed at you but just the fact that she can't or isn't home with the baby. It might be subconciously???

I'm glad that you feel your getting stuff out here! I know how long it is between appts...had to cancel mine this week for lack of sitter

Originally Posted by Sahd

For example, not too long, we were visiting and my mom walked outside with dd to show her all the flowers around the house and down the driveway. I didn't think anything of it but my wife really freaked out.

At that time, I didn't realize she had the phobia of my mom stealing dd so now I realize where she was coming from. But what seemed like an innocent thing really crushed my wife.

But yeah, I'm really hoping the next few months prove fruitful and we can begin to heal. I really miss my wife!!

Well I feel the same way with MIL though I don't fear she'll take my babes...I'm the mom and I just don't feel comfortable with her going any second away from me with my babies, even if it appears harmless it strikes anxiety in me. So I generally take my baby back. Now that my DD1 is 4 I'm fine with MIL taking her outside or in another room to play (though I do check on them often)...so she'll get her time to be grandma just not when they are babies, IMO.

ETA I don't want to down play the seriousness of PPD here...mine is mild, my sisters was MAJOR. So if your wife truley has anxiety over MIL stealing the baby then it is really good she's being tested.

[shellnurse]

So sorry! I do think you are on the right path with counseling and a workup for her. My Dh is also a stay at home dad and was not super helpful when I was at home, at first.

I do remember feeling so overwhelmed with a new baby and full time work, that I thought often about asking if he wanted to separate until I felt like I could handle his needs and mine and the baby's. It's such a scary time, to start a new family and be expected to feel wonderful and thrive at work and at home. I was dead inside for a long time in the beginning in order to tune out my own needs and my DH's so I could focus on survival.

I hope things turn out well soon.

[unimatrix0]

Not to sound harsh, but I think you need to stop trying to be the peacemaker. Your parents are the grandparents; not the parents. Your first loyalty is to your wife. Work on making the three of you strong. Don't worry so much about your mother. She'll have plenty of time to bond with the baby after things get better with your wife and daughter (your first priority). It sounds like your wife resents you because she doesn't feel like you're backing her 100%.

After having dd1, we didn't have anyone over for months because we just wanted to spend time together bonding. Everyone else survived, and are now bonding strongly with both of our kids.

I also can't imagine having to leave and dh staying home. I think I would have completely lost my mind. Becoming a mother is the most intense thing many women will experience and it's difficult to deal with sometimes. We're constantly riddled with guilt and fear and we are soooo sensitive during this time.

I hope that you can reconnect with your partner and move forward together.

[Sahd]

Shellnurse, thank you for sharing that. Sometimes I'm afraid that's what my wife is leading up to and I feel pretty hopeless. Thanks for the support though.

Unimatrix0, you're exactly right, and I've as of late thrown off the mantle of peacemaker. As hard is it is to sit by and watch my loved ones hurt each other repeatedly over misunderstandings, I just can't keep on top of it all. Its extremely stressful, its taking a toll on me physically, and as you say....it appears that my wife has interpreted my actions as not being behind her. Although my priority has and always will be the three of us. But this is something that I had already come to the conclusion of before coming here.

As I've said, my real reason for coming here was to hear from other women who have suffered from this and figure out whether its even a possibility that my wife's apparent "falling out of love" with me could be attributed to the depression and stress. I just needed to know it was a possibility, otherwise I don't have much to hope for.

Enough folks have shared their feelings that I see that it could indeed be possible. So that gives me hope. Thanks for the sharing of your collective thoughts on what its like or would be like to have a stay at home dad. I realize that it must be very tough on my wife leaving for work while I stay at home. Its hard to reconcile the in depth discussions and conclusions we had about it prior to the baby getting here with the possibility of resentment now. I mean, I knew it was still a possibility even though we so specifically addressed it beforehand...its just very hard for me to see it if its taking place since we did so confidently and deliberately move into this parenting strategy with full disclosure. But I know its got to be hard on her and I see it every day even through the reassurances she gives me. Hopefully this will be something we can work over together in counseling as well.

Thanks to all who have come forward and shared, its really been a big help and offered me a little hope. Thankfully, we have counseling tomorrow so we're looking forward to that. I hope I can come back here in the not too distant future and share good news with everyone. Until then, take care everyone and thanks so much again...

[Marylizah]

Hi Sahd,

Your post makes me so sad. Two things really stood out for me, as far as your wife's condition goes-- you say she's terrified your mother will steal your baby, and you say that when your mother holds the baby, your wife thinks she's whispering into the baby's ear about what a bad mama she is.

I think your wife has a very serious issue here. This is such an illogical thing to fear, it sounds paranoid and delusional to me (in the true sense of the word paranoid, not just rhetorical). Your wife needs counseling, like, yesterday. And possibly medication.

As for the not being in love, or loving, with you, I can tell you from personal experience that not feeling very loving towards my DH was pretty typical for me the first year after our DS was born. In your case, I'm sure her PPD is contributing, along with feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, plus the stress of maintaining her professional life.

If you can convince your wife to get real, serious treatment I am sure your marriage will recover. Mine did.

Encourge-- no-- DEMAND that she make an appointment with her doctor or midwife immediately for a referral to someone specializing in PPD. Help her find a therapist. She needs help. By herself. Then she can work on the two of you.

As for your poor parents, I think you need to tell them as lovingly as possible that you are both going through a really hard time right now, so no visits or calls, but you will be back in touch as soon as things are better. What a miserable situation for everyone.

[Sahd]

Hey Marylizah, yes, the situation is very dire.

Luckily my wife is cognizant of the fact that her paranoia (yes, the clinical version) is irrational. She has said on numerous occasions that she knows the fears are illogical, but that she can't stop from having them. The dreams are still ever present and she can't stop thinking those terrifying thoughts when my mother is holding the child. The counselor even asked her if my mom had ever done anything to lend legitimacy to her fears, and my wife told her no. So she is self aware in that regard.

As far as treatment goes, I'm assuming that we are on the course. As I mentioned earlier she is scheduled Monday for an evaluation to determine if she is indeed suffering from PPD. She's already told the counselor that she'd agree to medication if that was the determination and recommendation. So I think, I hope, we have the proper bearing now.

And yes, my parents are in the loop now. It was VERY difficult early on because my wife didn't want me sharing with anyone that we were having these difficulties, so I was constantly having to come up with excuses to give my mom for why she couldn't visit. Just prior to going to counseling though my wife said I could be more open with them, so they know we're dealing with some tough stuff right now. Dad is very understanding and he's actually seen my daughter less than anyone, which really makes me sad. He's had so little time in her 6 months. Mom is making an attempt at understanding, she just doesn't get why my wife hates her so much. Lots of tears there. But yeah, everyone's in on it and trying to be supportive. We'll do what we have to.

It really does make me feel very good to hear that so many of you had such difficult feelings towards your husbands during this time period. Well, not that I'm glad that you went through it, but you catch my meaning I'm sure. Thanks Marylizah...

[Marylizah]

Sorry, Sahd, I didn't see the part about the screening on Monday for PPD. I'm so glad she's open to treatment and is still able to recognize that her fears are irrational. It sounds like you are definitely heading in the right direction.

Keep us posted. I hope that the next six months are a HUGE improvement for your family (your parents included!) on the last six months.

[unimatrix0]

Sorry, sahd. I wrote my last post late at night, so I didn't write down everything I wanted to say
I do think that your wife needs help. I had severe ppd and I also had paranoid fears about my mother-in-law. Do you think her fear stems from the fact that you are the main caregiver to your baby? If something happened between the two of you, she might be afraid that you would get custody and thus your mom would see her more than she did.

My dh and I also had problems when dd1 was born. I actually don't know anyone who didn't have problems in their marriage for at least the first year after having kids. But dh and I are stronger than ever, so don't lose all hope!

I went on zoloft, and I really do think it saved my life. Is this something she would consider? I really hope that things start getting better for your family soon.

[K-Mom3]

I STRONGLY agree, don't lose hope for your marriage. If you can successfully treat the depression, I bet your wife will be able to work on her relationship with you. I feel so bad for you and your wife. I really appreciate hearing your thoughts. I know my husband has had a really hard time through all this but he's never expressed so specifically what he's feeling. I bet it is similar to what you are going through. A PPD Dad's group therapy session would be great!

I also wonder, have you looked into PP OCD or PP Psychosis? The repeated negative thoughts and the paranoia make me think that those 2 things should be considered.

[NYMama27]

Sorry you are going through this. My husband could have written your post word for word (down to the delusional-yet-self-aware thoughts) four years ago. I will tell you that we recognized way too late that I was suffering from severe post-partum anxiety. It probably started in my pregnancy too but it being our first child we were completely unaware of the signs. I applaud you for seeking counseling for your wife. Therapy, even all these years later, has been the biggest source of help for me so far. And I also want you to know that my relationship with my MIL, though not perfect, has improved significantly (I even let my daughter stay overnight sometimes). As for my husband and I, we are expecting our second baby and both feel that our marriage has never been stronger.

One thing that helped repair all this tremendously -- and I have a feeling you do not want or can not afford this option -- was my husband finding a full-time job which allowed me to SAH with my DD. It was like an instant repair to our relationship. I know you say that you agreed to your situation prior to having the baby, but I can assure you that before I had my child I had no idea how strong my desire to be with her at every moment would be. Since becoming a SAHM I have never been so poor....or so incredibly happy/fulfilled.

I think that as long as you have patience, and understand that your wife's feelings are beyond her control (however irrational), you will both get through this. Best of luck to you both.

[kimiij]

Originally Posted by NYMama27

One thing that helped repair all this tremendously -- and I have a feeling you do not want or can not afford this option -- was my husband finding a full-time job which allowed me to SAH with my DD. It was like an instant repair to our relationship. I know you say that you agreed to your situation prior to having the baby, but I can assure you that before I had my child I had no idea how strong my desire to be with her at every moment would be. Since becoming a SAHM I have never been so poor....or so incredibly happy/fulfilled.

I just want to second this suggestion. Hang in there. to both you and your wife.