My wife's suffering, my fear - Page 2

[cinnamongrrl]

What exactly has your mother done/said to make your wife dislike her and fear her? It sounds like your wife is suffering from PPD, but I'm guessing that she has some legitimate reasons to be angry at your mother or else your mother would not be the focus of her anger.
If I were you, I would go back to work even if it means a financial sacrifice, and let my wife focus on getting well and being with the baby. A new mom with PPD who is the sole provider--that really doesn't sound like a good situation to me. Your wife may say that she doesn't mind you being the at home parent, but her mental health seems to say otherwise.

[Sahd]

Hi all, not a lot of time to make a post right now but I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support, it truly has been a blessing and a source of hope. I did want to add a quick bit though since several folks have mentioned my stay at home dad status being a potential problem source.

My wife and I are both college degreed, she in business and I in the environmental field. At the time of the discussions I was between jobs but had finished up a lengthy interview process and was essentially made the offer. We turned it down however with our decision for me to stay home. The problem is, my field is not an extremely high paying field and as a result my wifes earning potential was very nearly double what mine would have been with the new position. Seemed like a no brainer at the time as we definitely wanted a stay at home parent.

So, I'm not even sure if we could get by on my salary alone. I have begun to job search again though but I haven't told my wife yet. I figured I'd see what I could come up with before I broached the subject. Believe me though, I lay awake at night now regretting my choice of career paths and the position it has put us in. I would love to be able to be the sole supporter and all, I just am uncertain as to whether that's going to be a possibility. I do have a lot of remorse and regret though over this issue.

[Pookietooth]

It does sound like PPD to me. I had it, and I was a SAHM (despite my salary having been nearly twice my dh's -- probably the loss of income was one of the contributing factors for me). She should seek treatment. I definitely was quite irritable towards my husband. Have you read up on some of the alternative treatments? In case she doesn't think meds are right for her?

[JennTheMomma]

Getting counseling is a great step.

I had really bad PPD with my son, and I felt "out of love" with my DH. I pushed him away because I didnt' feel like having any affection and struggled for a long time with that. I am a SAHM and as soon as my DH would come home from work, I'd go to bed until he was ready for bed and then I'd go out and be with my son. So glad all that is over with. I hope she can get the help she needs,and good luck to you both!

[MommyMichele]

I don't know much about PPD but I definitely experienced huge hormonal changes that affected my thoughts and feelings every time I got pregnant and had a baby. My husband missed me more and more over the years. Thankfully he was as understanding as he could be, and didn't push me. Now, after 8 years since the birth of our first child, our youngest is 2.5 and I'm feeling like I've passed through to the other side of a sort of cloud and I can think bigger now, not just focused on a baby all the time. And, I've fallen in love with my husband again. It's amazing. I never doubted we'd be fine, but it still amazes me how it happened.

Also, I don't believe there is any way that a couple can understand what life is going to be like after having children. I read up on it and we talked and talked about it before our first child, but parenting still hit us hard with surprises and stress. Most of all, I want to say, that many times I have thought about how grateful I am that I was staying at home with my babies. I hardly left my first baby with my husband for the first year; the idea of leaving my baby to go out to work is incomprehensible to me. I think it's in our maternal wiring the need to be with our babies.

It sounds like you are on the right track. Best wishes.

[cinnamongrrl]

But what exactly happened between your wife and your mother? Because it sounds like your wife has PPD, but it also sounds like she may be so angry with you over something your mother did that she is pulling away from you and plans to end the marriage. The fact that she is already the sole financial provider and that she can out-earn you can only make that possibility clearer to her. I'm sorry for being so direct, but whatever issues there are with your mother, you need to confront them.
As far as your job field, can you go back to school for a year or two so you can get in a better field and be the main provider for your family?

[NYMama27]

cinnamongrrl: I don't know this family but I don't think anything specific had to happen b/tw the MIL and the mother in order for the mother to be experiencing these thoughts. In my particular situation, my MIL held the baby when she came to visit me in the hospital and that was what triggered it. There was no history that set off alarms in my head. These were just irrational thoughts that I had (and it went on for several years). I also worried while pregnant that someone was going to try to kill me for my fetus. Why would I think that? I have no idea where those thoughts came from and I knew they were completely irrational but that didn't make it any less real. Some of us are just wired to react this way to hormonal changes I suppose. I really do applaud the OP for recognizing all this and taking steps to make it better. My DH was so confused and scared the poor guy had no idea what to do with me.

[LynnS6]

I will confess to having just skimmed the preceding replies, so if I'm repeating suggestions here, I'm sorry.

It REALLY sounds to me like your wife has PPD. Not only PPD, but PPD/Anxiety and/or PPD/OCD. Her fears about your mother might well be 'instrusive thoughts' -- that is thoughts that she knows are irrational, but can't stop. These thoughts, plus her agitation seem to me to indicate that there's anxiety going on here. Anxiety is not often associated with PPD, but it is a symptom. A very common symptom.

If she thinks her thoughts about your mother ARE rational (and there's truly nothing your mother has done to warrant this). I would be very very worried because it's possible (though unlikely) that she's got PPP - post partum psychosis.

Please, please help your doctor be evaluated by someone who specializes in PPD. Most general counselors do not, and they don't get the symptoms, or they freak out about the wrong things. Counseling may be all she needs, but many many moms also need meds.

Finally, I wouldn't make any changes in employment status until she's been evaluated. If it is PPD, staying home isn't going to cure that. It could be that staying home IS the best thing for her. But until you know she's healthy, don't make that choice.

Here are some general links for PPD:
Postpartum Support International - there's a map on here where you can click to get local information and info about people who work in the area close to you.

A good list of symptoms and the 'varieties' of PPD:
Baby Blues Connection

Here are some links specifically for dads:
Baby Blues Connection: information for dads


This has stories/information for dads too:
Postpartum Dads
Postpartum Dads Project

[cinnamongrrl]

I agree that the OP's wife sounds irrational about her MIL, but the OP also said there his mother was rude to his wife during her pregnancy (before the PPD) and also criticized her choice to be the sole breadwinner, so I'm thinking maybe she has unresolved feelings about her MIL that are being magnified by the PPD and causing her to focus on her. That's why it might help her during therapy to get to the bottom of what is making her upset. My own MIL was often rude and unhelpful during my first pregnancy and during my dd's first year. It was hard enough for me to deal with her--and I didn't have PPD.
OP said his mother is "making an attempt at being understanding" of her DILs PPD (which doesn't sound really supportive), and that his wife says he is not standing behind her when it comes to dealing with his mother. That is why I think that, in addition to PPD, they are also dealing with MIL problems.
I think OP has to focus on his wife and baby and stop listening to his mother cry and complain about the situation. He said he is becoming physically affected by the stress. Wife, husband, and baby might need to cocoon themselves in their own little safe, quiet world for some months in order to affirm their bonds as a new family. During this time, as his wife gets help, he might also explore other job options that work better for his family.
OP, you sound like a loving husband and father who is overwhelmed. Remember to take care of yourself so you can take care of your new family.

[Sahd]

Don’t you hate it when you go to send your reply that you’ve worked on for 10 minutes and it just…disappears? Aargh, now for the rewrite. If something comes across as unclear or I miss something altogether just assume that the original reply was much better.

First, thank you for everyone that contributed in my absence. Your sharing of your own feelings towards your husbands during your early motherhood/PPD are really good for me to hear and each one gives me hope that my wife and I will make it beyond this obstacle. So thank you all who have shared in that capacity. As I said earlier, that’s really what this whole post was intended for from the beginning.

As far as alternatives to medication, we haven’t really performed any research in that direction. There’s going to be a lot of things for us to be considering as we go forward with the PPD evaluation and we’ll cover all of that in due time. Right now we’re just waiting to get the assessment to determine whether she even has PPD or not. And yes LynnS6 (thank you for the links), that assessment will be performed by an actual doctor who works in the field of depression disorders, not the counselor. The counselor is the one who has actually referred us to a doctor who is qualified to make that determination. The counselor is there to help us work through the rest of this convoluted ball of yarn that has accumulated.

The MIL situation is something that I don’t really need to discuss here as its at the forefront of our counseling targets. We’ve both known for a while now that there was a problem to be dealt with and all of that is underway. Cinnamongrrl, a lot of your assumptions are correct but its all stuff that my wife and I have already covered and are dealing with. At the forefront of my concern at this point is determining why what should have simply been off-colored remarks that made my wife mad and/or prompted discussion have turned into illogical debilitating fears. None the less, I’ve made my mom aware of what is going on and the fact that there is a ton of anxiety towards her right now. She’s in the loop and work has commenced in this area by all parties.

As far as me working towards a career path switch, that’s just something that I’ll be spending a lot of thought, prayer, and research on at this point. My wife and I have never been paycheck chasers and the Big Salary has never been a primary goal for either of us really. So going out and attempting a shift in what I consider to be pretty fundamental philosophical ideologies purely for the sake of financial gain will be difficult. But like I said, I’m sure we have much to consider now in light of our current situation and the career dilemma will be heavy in my thoughts. ( I haven’t even had the time or freedom to discuss or work through my feelings about being a stay at home dad.) Regardless, I’ll not being doing any career related changes until we know more fully what we’re dealing with here.

Thanks again everyone, I’m really glad I came here. You’ve all been very kind and supportive and that means a great deal to me…

[Katwoman]

I wanted to post my experience in hopes that it's some how useful to you.

I had sever PPD/OCD. My midwife initially was concerned I was actually psychotic. (Although that word is fairly extreme sounding.) I had never experienced OCD before. My closet was whispering to me: I was a bad mother, my clothes were out of order, no one liked me. EVERY! time I went into that damn closet my life would get worse than it already was. During this time I didn't not love my DH. I just was so consumed with concern about taking care of this new life, trying to function so no one would think I was crazy and take my baby away and trying to make that closet happy so it would stop whispering mean things to me that I really didn't have time to factor in my DH. That sounds really mean. I don't mean it as harsh as it sounds. Like I said, it wasn't that I didn't love him, it was literally that I had no energy to have emotions at all. Well, at least happy emotions. I had plenty of negative ones and it was taking me all I had to keep the negative ones "in line", I didn't have time for happy ones.

Not that I thought like that at all. I'm just telling you how it was.

I finally got help when I realized that it was taking me 45 mins to get dressed every day because the closet had to be in a certain order before I could get dressed. If it wasn't in that order, I had to get it in that order before anything else could happen. (Have you ever tried to determine how wide the straps were on a tank top so they could be in width order? shudder!)

My Dear hubby was there through the whole thing - of course. I feel bad for him because he tried so hard to be understanding, but seriously I was fairly unreachable. To make matters worse, while I knew there was a problem I was convinced all new parents have trouble.

I admire you guys for getting help. It was the best thing I ever did. Shifting hormones SUCK!

I just wanted you to know that just because a person doesn't necessarily seem attached to you, doesn't mean she isn't. (That sentence structure is awful! But it really says what I mean.) I would have been crushed if my DH had left during that time. But in all honesty I wasn't paying much mind because of everything else going on.

As hard as it is now, I'd like to you know this too shall pass!

(Also, I did not have this kind of trouble with my second child. So please don't be nervous about having another child just because of this experience. Each pg is different.)

[Violet2]

Sounds like you guys are on track to finding a solution. You're being a great partner and once your DW gets through this rough spot, she'll see that too.

Hang in there.

V

[NotAPerfectMama]

Hi there,

I can offer you my personal anecdote. When I was in the depths of PPD I really was afraid of my ILs stealing my baby. I would panic sometimes, pack up all the things my daughter and I would need and would try to "drive west and start a new life" Now that I have been in therapy, been taking antidepressents and have worked through things I can see much more clearly. Has your wife seen a doctor as well? If she's willing, it could be quite helpful to see a psychiatrist (maybe one other mothers can recommend) to see if it is possible she needs something to get through the depression (if that's what it is). As much as therapy helped me, I would not have made it through without medication. I probably wouldn't be alive. Back to your original question, yes, I thought I HATED my husband at the time. Things are slowly getting better. I would support your wife in whatever way you can so that she can get the medicial/and or therapy help she needs.

[lovemybubus]

Wow, I read all the OP's posts and most of the responses but I had a thought I wanted to share:
I think that a lot of paranoid ideas are based on a small fraction of reality. So even though it is most likely not MIL's intention to steal the baby from your wife she did something to make your wife not trust her. I agree to with pp's who said that your wife is feeling sadness/anxiety about not being with dd.

I am so so sorry to hear that you and your family are being torn this way. I can't imagine how you must feel. What was supposed to be the happiest time of your life is now filled with sadness. I think though that there will be a lot of happiness in the future. Me and my dh have had some serious issues and truly (as corny as it may sound) have come out stronger because of it. I see this for you and your wife in the future after some time to heal.

I think it would be totally appropriate for you to tell MIL, "Right now my family is broken, I love you but I need to put the pieces back together, and we need space from you at this time."

As a mother of 3 myself, I would respect and honor my son's wishes. I may be sad but would appreciate his devotion to his family and if your wife sees that MIL can step away, show respect (and love) then maybe she can let down some of those walls to communicate what is truly the issue at the core.

Much love your way, you and yours will be in my thoughts.

[aran]

I didn't read all the posts, but I just got to the part where your mother took your DD outside to see the flowers, etc. and it set off your DW... it brought up a sense of possessiveness with DD. That struck a chord with me.

I want to chime in to say I felt the same way as your DW after my DS1 was born. But in my case, before and during the pregnancy I had a good relationship with my MIL. I was enthusiastic before the birth to let DS1 have close attachments to my ILs. However, after the birth, I felt a huge surge of possessiveness... it was unbelievable, and manifested itself as rage. It probably was PPD, but I only recognized it as anger.

I could go on and on about the innocuous things my ILs did that offended me (and still sometimes do). For example, MIL likes to refer to my kids as "my grandchildren" instead of by their names or as "your <meaning my or DH's> children." This sets me off every time. I get thinking about the miserable pregnancy I endured, the sacrifices I make for my DSs, the hereditary bond I have with them, and I think - "Back off, lady. They are not primarily 'your' anything!"

BUT, DH and I have a great relationship and this has not been a point of contention with us because he has rarely/never tried to be a peacemaker between me and his family. Instead, he supported me 100% and put me on a pinnacle as the most important person in DS's life. If I said I wanted him to take a break from his mom for a few weeks (who, incidentally, is also a school teacher and is home for the summer), or to keep the visits limited to our house only when I was present, he did that without any visible discontent. He would make sure to include me in some way, in everything he did with my DSs - by emailing me pics by phone throughout the day, phone calls. He made sure I was confident that he saw me as #1. That helped me TREMENDOUSLY to be more confident.

I also had to make some changes - I switched to working from home so I could be close to DS1. Even though I wasn't with him all the time, I could hear him throughout the day and visit with him whenever I wanted, to feel closer to him. I felt less... uneasy... that way.

Fast forward to when DS2 was born... DH didn't allow my ILs to visit for about a week after the birth. They were *mad!* But - it was so helpful in allowing me to get my footing and confidence with DS2 before my MIL held him. It may be illogical, but that time allowed me to be so much more gracious when MIL visited.

My DH's support in setting up some ground rules and giving some space between my ILs and us without any apparent angst on his part (though there probably was some) made me feel more the one "in charge" and allowed me, over time, to let my ILs spend more and more time with my DSs, with few or no feelings of mistrust.

So, that's JME, in case it's helpful.

Off to read the rest of the thread now...

ETA: I see you received notes with the same kind of message I gave above. I want to add that I would have been angry if my DH told the details of our concerns (e.g., sounds like you told you mother that DW was feeling upset with her - please say you didn't tell her DW was imagining whisperings?) to my ILs. It is none of their business! My DH always personallly takes responsibility for distancing us from his parents, when *either* of us is the one who wants some distance. He never gives them details of why, either. I do the same for my DH and my family. That has helped me to feel sooooo confident in letting my ILs in as a bigger influence on my kids' lives now... I know DH has my back! He has given me unconditional love and he gets that back... and his family gets more attention from us... win win win. Again - just our experience.