whining vs. expressing feelings combined with need to control

[AKfamily]

We are struggling with how to respond to some challenging behaviors from DS1, 3 yrs.
He is a generally very pleasant and fun child. He sometimes 'whines'...or is it expressing frustration? The biggest challenges are when he wants something to be a certain way (especially something to happen in a certain order) and is directing DH or I to do x then y then z exactly like this. He will completely lose it if the routine is not followed or if we don't rewind to exactly the right point and then go forward the way he believes it must be done.

There are two aspects of the behavior that are challenging 1)the directing other people (I want to support his being able to control his body but not expecting to control others' bodies) and 2)the tone of voice.
Regarding #2, when is it asking for pleasant communication and when is it asking him to suppress his feelings?
This morning, in the midst of a situation and in response to my asking him to speak nicely, he said that he was speaking nicely that he was not speaking nasty. (insert heart breaking symbol here - thankfully it was not a situation where I was starting to lose it but rather we were in a good space so I could respond well) Sometimes I can definitely tell that feelings are involved and the tone is completely necessary and sometimes I can tell that he's gotten himself into a whiny-type loop of expression and if I ask he'll get himself out of it easily. I don't want to teach him to get what he wants by whining but I also don't want to teach him to get what he wants by suppressing his feelings or going more into his head than his heart. Any ideas?
Regarding #1 also any ideas? Sometimes I feel confident that it's 3 yr old need to control expressing itself in a safe way, sometimes I think we're reinforcing inappropriately controlling behavior...

[Seie]

How about trying to let him do that stuff by himself? Then he can control the order etc. I know he will probably get things wrong and that would set him off - at least that happens to my kids. But then you could show sympathy like - oh its so annoying when there is too much ketchup - or whatever. Eventually he may ask for help and still get angry if you dont do it "right" - well then offer it back for him to do it himself.
When my kids have these kind of tantrums I try to remain calm allow my kid to live through it and move on. I let them act it out as long as they dont trash stuff, direct their anger at me, persons or objects in their presence (objects during dinner usually being plates, forks, knives etc) I dont ignore - ignoring is not a good solution. I try to show empathy - saying stuff like "I see its difficult to pour sauce" or "I see you are really angry right now".

You cant stop the tantrums or the dissapointment when stuff dont go his way. You can listen and show empathy but he has to live through these feelings and over time learn that the best way for him to avoid that situation is by doing stuff himself, or by "letting it go" These things are BIG for a kid. As adults we are able to recognize that ketchup in the wrong place isn't the end of the world. A 3 year old doesnt feel that way.

I have three kids who all have quite a temper so situations like the above are pretty common around here. However being a single mom of three there is no way I can sit around and arrange stuff like you describe. If they want something a certain way they can do it themselfes or ask for my help. I will be happy to help and will also listen to reasonable requests. Buf if I do as they ask and its still not good enough I just stop helping and ask them to do it themselfes. If food within their reach is in danger of ending on the floor I will move it out of reach till they calm down a bit.
Sometimes they will be angry and cry for a while, I then try to be understanding without making a big deal about it. I dont want to signal that pouring too much sauce or getting the ketchup in the wrong place is the end of the world.

This approach seems to have helped a lot for us. At least we dont have as many food related tantrums anymore...

[AKfamily]

I'm going to continue to watch and notice triggers but it seems to be stuff that starts off as something he wants done, not something he would normally do for himself...but I'll keep an eye out for situations that I could move into his natural realm of control.

[Slaydensmom]

My 3 yr. old son displays this behavior too. He will get really whiney and mad/frustrated about stuff sometimes. I don't really have any advice for you as I am still working with this myself, but I do notice that it gets worse when he is tired or hungry. I am glad to have read your post as I was wondering if my "director" was the only one-but obviously not and is probably just an age appropriate issue.