What kind of help do I need?

[Jess's Mom]

I have been having "break downs" every few days. Today, I am doing ok, but Monday and Thur. we both bad. I have had many thoughts that I would be better off dead and my children would be better off without me. I have not taken any action and do not feel that I will. I went to a psychologist on Thur. and he told me that he thinks we need to work on "liking myself" and to try to figure out what happened in the past to give me such a bad view of myself. He asked me to name something I am good at, and I couldn't. I feel like I suck at everything I do. And I have the most thankless job in the world, I am a SAHM, so, I don't get much help in that department. He also suggested trying to find rewards for positive behavior for my children. My kids behavior does trigger my thoughts, but I have always felt the way I feel. Anytime I am in a tough situation that I do not see an end to I have always felt I would be better off dead. It just seems to be the only way out of the situations I get in. I guess I just don't know if talking to someone is all I need. I feel that my brain is just wired wrong or something, I don't enjoy life as a whole and don't remeber enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy parts of life, but I have no desire to live a long life. Do I need a diffrent kind of doc? Would I bennifit from meds? I just don't if where I started is where I should have started. If anyone has felt like this and has some suggestions, please let me know.

[crazycandigirl]

I suffer from major clinical depression, which manifests itself very much like how you are describing your thoughts. Without medical treatment (including medication therapy), I get worse and worse over time. It starts out small and builds in intensity over 12-18 months or so. It may build longer than that, but I haven't made it further than that without having a breakdown.

I just wanted to offer support to you and let you know that you are not alone. Also know that you do not have to live like this. I was amazed at how much of a difference the right combination of talk therapy and medications changed things. Life can be brighter and the never-ending guilt can go away.

Seeking help is the hardest part for me personally, so you are heading in the right direction. I would defiantly look into getting both talk and medication therapy. I personally need both to begin healing. I hope that you get the help that you need and start to feel better very soon.

[ScarletBegonias]

i replied to your other thread mama.

you know what has been helping me?

b12 and going outside.

i highly advise against meds. i have been on many throughout my life, and they always made me feel worse about myself. not that they didn't "help", but i hated taking them. they made my hormone problems worse too. i felt worse about myself that i had to take meds to be "normal".

now at 27 years old i finally am doing what i should have done 15 years ago: EXERCISE. i am addicted. i feel sooooo much worse if i don't exercise everyday.

in fact, i haven't for 2 days, and the last 2 days, my suicidal thoughts are back.

it is sooooo hard to exercise with little kids around, but i find a way. i do a little when the baby naps, push them in the double stroller outside, get them to bellydance/dance/stretch with me. it is a challenge everyday!

i also keep wine around. sometimes i won't drink any wine for a week, and some days i'll have 2-3 glasses. on very rare, freak out, break down days, i will take a xanax. usually the wine does it though.

sometimes just hanging out with another mom and our kids all play together helps me. i try all different things. we are super poor, so i have to be creative. and i only have 2 kids. i don't know what i'd do with 4 mama. some of my suggestions may not even be realistic for you.

i hope i was helpful and just know that you are not alone. i know EXACTLY how you feel. it sucks and no one, especially a mama, should feel this way. it is the worst feeling in the world.

[ScarletBegonias]

also, some meds have the side effect of making depression better, but suicidal thoughts worse. i had this exp on several meds. i would rather be depressed than thinking about killing myself MORE, yk?