Procrastination/Listening/Consequences

[festivefeet]

Hi there. I have an almost 4 year old daughter.

We are in a time where she likes to procrastinate when she knows she should be doing something, like brushing her teeth, going to bed etc.

If it is time to go to bed, she will stop along the way to her bedroom to find a million things to try to do instead of going to bed. We do not lack routine around here at all. She knows what to expect. When she is supposed to be in bed and continues to play and completely disregard me, what should I do? I have tried leaving the bedroom after telling her that she may either choose to come to bed for a story or she may choose to go to bed without one....of course she will continue to dedodle and ignore me, until I get up from the bed, then she springs up and says, I want a story! It's so frustrating. She is strong willed as well, which does not help.

Any suggestions?
Jessica

[Minarai]

The best thing I can suggest is to trail her as she does these things and redirect her (your choice of method) when she strays.
If you have other children, I don't know what to say.

[denimtiger]

Do you read her the story after she's ignored you and then requests it? That is perfectly normal behavior on her part, and will continue as long as there is no consequence to her actions.

If you're frustrated (which it sounds like you are), you can set a boundary with her. She will very much try to test any boundary you set for awhile. Just like tiny children don't have any idea what an object is really like until they have handled it and tasted it, they have no idea what a boundary is until they bump up against every edge of it and test it to see how much weight it holds, and (usually) if tears dissolve it or not.

You can do exactly what you're doing, and gently tell her "I will be reading a story to any little girl who is in her bed by the time (... I get up the stairs, this timer goes off, I finish singing "Twinkle, Twinkle", the radio finishes this song, whatever method works for you...)". It only continues to work, though, if she doesn't get a story if she is not in her bed by that time. If she doesn't get the story, she will probably cry and have a hard time with it. But if this is a boundary that you need to have in place for your own sanity, you'll have to be able to be kind and firm for a couple of times while she learns that you're serious. Kiss, hug, I love you. I know you're upset, sweetie. We'll try again for a story tomorrow night. (Or, I'll read you two stories in the morning if you get dressed and brush your teeth by yourself).

[festivefeet]

Good email from creator of FIAR

OOPS! posted to this post instead of another.

[festivefeet]

Thank you for your advice.

I think I tend to try to work through issues instead of giving consequences, to avoid the half an hour crying and throwing of tantrums. However, I am pretty sure I am hurting myself and her in the long run.

[violet]

We also had a good routine that was getting off track with distractions and dawdling. So we set a time limit. At 4-4.5 my kids were learning to tell time. They couldn't do it on their own, but they had the concept of time passing and knew if the big hand pointed up it meant something.

So we began starting the bedtime routine at the appropriate time to get to bed by 8pm -- then when things started to get off track we would remind DD " we have X number of minutes to finish A,B, and C and get under the covers so we can read our stories...." She'd scoot along until she became distracted or fussy again... repeat. There were many, many nights that she was not in bed by 8 and missed the story. I hated that, but she clued in. Even now, at 7.5, she's coaching her brothers to get it together so they can each have a story. But by having it an arbitrary 3rd party -- the clock -- that determines the success or failure instead of me threatening "get moving or no story" over and over -- it's better all around.

[EnviroBecca]

We are having a LOT of trouble with this, too! I'll be watching the thread to see what else people suggest. The one thing that has worked reliably for us is this one:

gently tell her "I will be reading a story to any little girl who is in her bed by the time (... I get up the stairs, this timer goes off, I finish singing "Twinkle, Twinkle", the radio finishes this song, whatever method works for you...)". It only continues to work, though, if she doesn't get a story if she is not in her bed by that time.

It seems to be important that we stop hanging over EnviroKid trying to make him do stuff; instead, one parent says, "I am going to lie on the bed. I'll be ready to start a story for 5 more minutes, but if you take longer than that I'll fall asleep." and the other parent (who often is present--I think we need to stop coming to see what all the screaming is about ) says, "I'm going to go do the laundry." and we both walk away and leave him to make his own choice. He usually chooses the story. But if he chooses to help put the laundry in the machine, well, that's fine, but he is not going to get a story.

A playful version of this has worked, too: "The story train is leaving Bedtime Station in 10 minutes! All passengers must have pajamas on and teeth brushed before boarding!"

That thing of ignoring me until I actually get up is very, very irritating! : We have a lot of this once EnviroKid is in bed; he wants to flail his legs around so that he keeps kicking me, or he wants to put his head on my pillow and push it toward my head--I have a major problem with muscular tension in my neck, and a big flinch can give me a week of headaches, so that is not acceptable! I feel like my biggest challenge in that situation is controlling MY behavior so that I don't yell or get physically rough. What works best for me is to state clearly ONE TIME what is bothering me and that I will leave if it doesn't stop, to get up at the next infraction, when he says he wants me to stay to stand at a small distance and remind him very firmly of what needs to happen so that I can stay, and then to give him a second chance. If I give too many warnings and give a second chance WITHOUT starting to follow through on the consequence, he doesn't listen and I get so angry that it's almost impossible for me to be gentle or fair.