what can i do with her

[candiecotton]

A is 114, this summer shes just been so.......... i dont even know where to start
shes been stealing money , going out with her friends when ive told her shes to stay in she hasnt done ay chores . she will tell her dad that i said she could do something then tell me he told her he said she could ( i work till 6:30 every day dh is home with them )
she has been having bowel movements in buckets in her room . about 2 weeks ago she did a bm in a bucket & threw it behind the computer desk it took us 2 hours to get the feces off the wall. .
this week she was grounded & decided to steal $10 & go to a park on the other side of the city because her friend was banned from the pool in the park about 5 minutes away.
i grounded her for a week for that so beng mad at me for that she decided to steal the bbq lighter from the car ( we keep it in there its supposedly safer) & she set her dads t shirt on fire on my bed!

aside from tyong her to her bed till shes 18 is there any thing else i can do ... she is in councelling now as it is .. im at the end of my rope with her. dh is not her bio father & she doesnt know him . yesterday i was ready to find him & then drop her off & say here i had her for 14 years now its your turn .. but he lllikes to touch little girls. & i would never do ha to her . so any help would be appreciated. she already has everything taken frm her & shes not going to get any specal school supplies... shes #2 in 4 children

[layne]

Wow. That's a lot of anger. Do you know where her anger is coming from? Is the therapy helping at all? It sounds like maybe you two should go together and talk about this or if it is not helping, find more or better counselling?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[Nature]

Therapy is needed ASAP. Something is going on with her and it needs to be addressed.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I would say the counceling she is in now is not helping and you need to go looking for someone new.

What you describe about some of the behaivor is not normal teen stuff. Something has went on or is going on in her life that is not being addressed.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Um, the BM in buckets is definetly creative and required much thinking and planning. I agree that whatever therepy she is in might not be working and something/somone else needs to be consulted.

You mentioned her Bio father liked to touch little girls. Is it possible she was abused before he was not in the picture anymore?

[EFmom]

I'm so sorry. Between the BM and the starting a fire, I think she needs much more intensive intervention than her therapist is providing. I would start looking around for a different therapist.

[candiecotton]

weve waited 6 months to get her in to see the counselor. we cant afford to pay for one so we have to take what the province has given us . she is going frday & there will be a letter from me asking what to do for her & if theres anything we can do to have her tested to see if she has anything wrong.. she has not seen her bio since she was 1 & he was never alone with her... im just sick of it i went in this morning & there was a bowl on her floor filled. not what i wanted to walk into this morning ...
shes been grounded for 2 weeks for the fire thing & i do let her go swimming if its too hot & yesterday she pulled the " mom aid i could do it" on her dad so i told hubby when ever she says that it sually means i didnt tell her so before i go to work i will give him his orders not to believe her.
shes grounded from the phone & when we go to get her school supplies shes not getting anything fancy shes getting all plain school supplies... aside from beating her sensless im at a loss.... & no i dont beat her although i feels lke it ..

[MeepyCat]

Is Friday her first appointment with the counselor?

The counselor needs all this information - the fire starting, the stuff with the feces, the part where you are at the end of your rope. Write it down if you like, but don't just write it down and hand it over, because heaven knows when the counselor will get around to reading it if you do that. TELL this person what's been going on. Call ahead today and let the receptionist know that you have some very specific and serious concerns about your daughter that you want to tell the counselor before he sees her. Mention that she's lit fire to things in your house. This is an emergency.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by layne

Wow. That's a lot of anger. Do you know where her anger is coming from? Is the therapy helping at all? It sounds like maybe you two should go together and talk about this or if it is not helping, find more or better counselling?
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I agree. There's obviously something deeper going on other than typical teenage behavior. She sounds uncontrollable.

Is she getting enough attention? Do you do things with her like play games or talk and connect with her one-on-one very often? Maybe she's reaching out for more attention from you. Is something possibly going on at school or with a friend or a boy? I'd likely be looking in to sending her off to a boot camp or facility for juveniles. It sounds like she needs someone else correcting her and teaching her how to behave properly. She's too old to behave in such a manner and once she's a little older and does something to the wrong person, it may have severe consequences.

Your DD needs strict boundaries and consequences. It doesn't sound like it's gonna happen in the home. If it were my child that had done those things that you've described - she would do nothing the rest of the summer except chores and hang out at home with her famliy and learn to respect them. There's no way she would be rewarded with going swimming or anywhere else for that matter. She'd learn the true meaning of consequences for her actions.

[stik]

It's all very well to say that a child needs parents to set boundaries - that can help a lot with kids who are angry and defiant, and all kids need them - but fire lighting, encopresis, and fecal smearing in a 14yo are symptoms of problems that need a lot more than just adult correction and guidance. In the context the OP described, those sound like symptoms of untreated mental illness.

To the OP, please, please, please do everything you can to rally resources to help your child. Talk to the counselors at her school, if you school. Talk to her regular HCP if she has one (get one if she doesn't). Talk to your dd's counselor. Describe the problem for them. Make sure they know about the fire she lit and about the buckets of feces as well as about her defiance. Next time she lights a fire, call emergency services or take her to an ER to be evaluated right away.

All that said, it also sounds like it would be helpful for you and your partner to agree that she can only get permission for out-of-the-house activities from one person. It doesn't have to be the same person all the time, but you need to stop letting her play the "Mom said/Dad said" game. And if you can't actually keep her from going out of the house, you need to pick different consequences for her oppositional behavior. Make sure that you aren't issuing consequences you can't enforce.

[Labbemama]

Couldn't read your post and not say something.
I think it sounds pretty serious. I'm glad you have that appt. friday. were you able to Keep it?

I hope it's helpful. Read up on "encropesis" and it's counterpart "enueresis" the fancy word for having bm's in places other than where you are supposed to past the age that one is expected to use a toilet. It is is usually out of opposition. sometimes common in kids who have been sexually abused. But it's usually considered somewhat a "regression" kind of behavior. Hopefully the counselor can give you some help in dealing with that as that can cause a lot of social rejection, from peers and caregivers. I don't think it's usually planned although i have worked with kids who did save bodily fluids and hang on to them for flinging on ppl they were angry with but that was in residential. we had a protocol to follow with them...sigh. hang in there mama it would be very frustrating to deal with that plus everything else.

[StoriesInTheSoil]

s: mama, I stumbled across your post and felt the need to respond. I agree with the previous poster that stated that THIS IS AN EMERGENCY. Her behavior seems to be escalating and she is screaming for some serious help. If I were in this situation, I'd take her for a psychiatric evaluation at the nearest hospital as soon as possible. There is something huge in her life and she needs help right now.