Need Some Encouragement, Or Advice

[momma_unlimited]

For about a year now, I have been trying to practice GD. In the past 2 months, I have been trying to be non-punitive as I feel like time outs and punishments and rewards are not instilling the kind of values that will benefit anyone.

Well, I have a 2 and 4 yr old and am 6 months pregnant... and making the change has been very hard. I address things, but talking to them about it and offering them appropriate activities only lasts a few minutes before they are right back at behaviour that is not ok (poking holes in window screens, pulling on window treatments, throwing the rocking chair on the floor and jumping on it, opening the oven door (it has no lock mechanism), changing washing machine dials WHILE the machine is going, playing with the faucets (our well is shallow so we need to conserve water, although I let them help with dishes and take long baths). So, in trying to do basic household tasks I become so frustrated since this pregnancy has reduced me to a very non-energetic lethargic state, I feel like by 1 pm I just sit and watch them and try to move from room to room or outside everytime they begin to destroy things in one room. And I just watch the clock and pray for bedtime (for half the day!!) and dread making dinner because I have to run fromm kitchen to where they are to break up disputes and keep the house intact (and no, we have no breakables around- its just that they destroy furniture! and its not even *nice* furniture- but we need SOME!).

Anyways, to complicate this, my husband is stressed out at work and, while its unrealistic, he wants his home to be a haven to relax. He is fed up with the kids behaviour, tells me as soon as our next kid is weaned he's sending ME to work because I am not good at parenting, our kids behaviour is worse than when we spanked, and he's sick of it. And he's sick of me not being happy and wants me to "figure out what I want in life and DO it". But I am doing what I want to do; I wouldn't be happy if I was working and away from them- I just can't shake the lethargy/pre-partum depression? hormone funk of this pregnancy. And he gets so mad at the kids since they no longer respond to our instructions/aren't afraid of us, and he's so unhappy with me- I just wish I could run away.

So I think my kids are bored, and the other part is its hard for me to implement all the new skills I've learned to parent differently (focus on what *to* do, empathy for tantrums, redirection, etc)- and I don't know how to continue so things are more harmonious around here... it's so hard when you feel like you are doing the right thing, but all of a sudden your husband doesn't enjoy his family anymore!!

[jennpn]

Ah I just wrote SUCH a long reply and then deleted it accidently!!!

Okay here is round 2-

If you were previously spaking and self admitedly they were scared of you, you need to build back their trust and respect. It sounds like they are testing you now.

What works with my 2 year old is praise praise praise. I call him on his good behavious ALL the time. "Ben you are being SO patient while mommy gets dinner together, that makes me so proud of you. When I am finished how about we got play outside?" He beams and continues to wait. Sometimes to up it a little more I will reward him with something tangable. I don't think it is bribery to give an unexpected gift or surprise as incentive for a job well done. I think that is life and human nature. We like to get rewards we can touch as proof of our hard work. I little car or sticker does the trick with ds with an explanation of why I felt compelled to reward him with it. "You know mommy has been noticing how well you are sharing lately and that makes me really happy to see you being such a good friend" or whatever. You can bet he is as good as gold the next day. He likes us to be proud of him.

Perhaps your children are fullfilling the self fullfilling prophesy of a lot of discipline/correction but not enough praise. "We get yelled at a lot, so we are naughty. We are naughty so this is how we act".

When beginning a new activity or going someplace new maybe you can remind them what the expectations are and what the consequences are for not complying. Yo ucan havre a discussion about this and see what their input in, like what a fair consequence would be. You can make sure this is something you can follow through with before you agree to it. They WILL test you I'm sure but eventually they will get it and look forward to being rewarded and praised if they do well.

Are you getting out enough? I know you are tired (I am 4.5 months pregnant...trust me I know the feeling or wanting to roll from couch to couch) but I find a real pick me up is to get out. Meet a friend at the park, find a playgroup close to you, sign up for a community center children and parent group, go for a walk etc. Get the kids and yourself out of the house a few mornings a week.

Do you have a routine? We follow a pretty close routine everyday- up and breakfast, outside play for 30 minutes, an outing to the library, playgroup, meet up with friend, do errands (usually ending in park as "reward") etc. We come home and have lunch and then some quiet time with books and then a nap/rest time for 2 hours. We will go for a walk when he wakes up and eat his snack and then I will prepare dinner while he can colour or occasionally watch a movie. daddy comes home for dinner and then we do something as a family in the evening. This routine works really well for ds. When his day is somewhat predictable (its not ridgid) he seems to find the flow of it easier to handle and knows by the now the expectations and consequences. We try to use natural consequences like ending an activity or leaving a location (we will leave a playgroup or outing immediatly if he is not behaving. This is inconvenient for me and often I don't want to but I have only had to do this twice and he knows I am serious now).

Good luck to you! You have a full plate but it can be done, I have wittnessed it in my own son who is respectful, kind, obediant and patient and has NEVER been hit or yelled at. GP isn't silly, it really can work! Keep at it mamma!

[jennpn]

|"I have been trying to be non-punitive as I feel like time outs and punishments and rewards are not instilling the kind of values that will benefit anyone."

I did not read this the first time around. I think instilling in my son a strong sense of self worth, confidence, integrity and sense of right and wrong are priority. In doing this however becuase he is so small I create his bounderies so he can learn the positive consequences of following them and the negative ones for not. There has to be a ying and a yang. At two and four years old your children are not likely to do the right thing all the time just for the sake of doing the right thing. Is this your end objective? Yes, and you will see their stregth of character and integrity developing over time. This is the time when they are learning though. How are you TEACHING this? I would think a natural consequence for distroying a peice of your home would be a moment out of the activity that caused it followed by a conversation on respect and self control. He could help you repair it or do a special chore to earn money to help repair it (the four year old...). Some would call this a time out (or in or whatever) the point is a consequence is given for a behaviour that is not acceptable. Rewards definetly instil these values as you can are really creating an environment of life at learning level. When we do things in life we recieve the consequences or rewards of them. As parents we can recreate these in softer ways for our children. If your son runs out into the street you need to give a consequnce softer then life would (with a car...) if your son acts especially well at a familt outing you can offer a reward for this in terms of praise or a special something out of the ordinary. Adults expect this and respond to it (raises', bonus', prizes, incentive programs...) why wouldn't our children? I wouldn't call these things bribes or punishments....I would simply call them consequences.

I hope I don't sound preachy it is only that we have found a way to make gd REALLY work for us and I want to share what has made it successful. Once we instilled in our two year old the foundation of our pride and unconditional support in him, he doesn't NEED to be rewarded every single time he brushes his teeth or puts his shoes on becuase I asked him to, the reward for those small and expected things just comes down to a mutual respect that has been created. In this sense we can see how this approach is working over time and he doesn't rely on rewards in whatever form to do the right thing, but it certanily got the ball rolling.

two other points that stood out made me wonder what their diet is like? Are your kids eating a high refined sugar and processed diet? This can really effect behaviour AND do your kids have enough organized activities? If they are being left to entertain themselves without direction their behaviour is showing maybe they need more direction and time/play management skills. Perhaps getting out the blocks and the cars for them and saying "this is block and car time" will help, get down and show them how to build ramps and roads with the blocks, etc ...then tell them it is craft time and make some cards for daddy. Do the same with puzzles and with snack, they can help you put something together and make a fort to eat it in. this all helps them feel valued. Their oppinions count and they are worth your time. (some kids really can entertain themselves for hours and others need a little more guidence and suppervision, especially extroverted children. I know you are tired, but I find when I keep busy I forget how tired I am...if that makes any sense. If you are frustrated/stressed that isn't helping things.

As for your husband maybe I will leave that advice for someone else...I think I have worn out my oppinions!!!

[JL83]

It sounds like your kids have alot of energy. Is it realistic for them to spend most of the day outside?

[swd12422]

Gosh, I could have written your post, minus one kid and a pregnancy! I only have one, and I do pray for bedtime, starting when he wakes from his nap!

I've just been getting grumpier and grumpier, and yelling more and more, and you know what? He has been getting more and more difficult, and DH is saying similar things to me that yours is to you! And then I have to convince him that the only thing I've ever wanted to be is a mom.

So I'm short on advice, and long on hugs and empathy. What has been working for us the past week or so has been more exercise/activity for DS, and LOTS of praise and attention from me. I've noticed that he's really only "bad" (shorthand for systematically getting into EVERYTHING he's not supposed to, one by one with no rest in between, and no, I don't say that to him) when he's either hungry or wants my undivided attention. I know with two it's much harder to give it, but maybe at least your 4-year-old will understand if you say, "I need x many minutes to do this. I'll give you that many minutes when I'm done." and then take a break and just PLAY with them.

And send them outside to run around as much as humanly possible.... The other night I got only a couple hours' sleep and was too exhausted to do anything. But I had 6 hours til naptime, so I kept DS running around the house while I figured out what to do ("Go get me the telephone" "Go find your water cup") and then brought him to a mall and let him run crazy for an hour. Wore him out, brought him home, had lunch and went down for a nap (both of us). That was the only way I was able to survive the stretch between nap and dinner, when DH gets home.

If you can't take them out someplace, can they run in your yard, or have a playdate with someone else? I know I'd take pity on a pg mom of two!

[momma_unlimited]

JennPN- About the praise and recognition for good behaviour, I guess I feel more comfortable "acknowledging" their actions and encouraging them, but I'm apprehensive about other forms of praise because my 4 yr old tends to remember and expect/ask for the same praise or reward the next time he does the behaviour (for instance, if one time we say what a beautiful prayer he prayed at dinner time, every time after that he will ask "Was that a beautiful prayer?" and it's way worse for actual toys; he will ask for a toy every time he does x behaviour if doing x behaviour was rewarded with a toy one time). I see a lot of my personality in him, and I was a total approval junkie at the expense of my own individuality.

As far as getting out enough and routine- no, we don't get out often, and we are new to the area without many friends (nearest LLL is 45 min away!). I am trying to branch out but progress is slow... and routine, we are trying. I am so not a routine person! But I have purchased a waldorf pre-k curriculum and it is very routine-oriented, so I am trying to implement it slowly this month. I know they willl do better with routine, you are right. And... yes, I do let them to play on their own a lot; it may be a problem.

Their diet is good- sometimes we have ice cream, but other than that we don't really have sugar and white flour is very limited (the occasional hamburger bun...)

Thanks for sharing what has worked for you; I myself wonder if perhaps being completely non-punitive in the sense of no real "consequences" being given is realistic for them at this age. Maybe they need more structure... maybe it is bewildering for them to go from an authoritarian style to such a laid back one.


JL83- it is realistic for them to spend a lot of time outside, and the little one would, but my older one is a homebody... I literally have to LOCK the doors to keep him outside as he will spend a little while outside and then run back in to do a puzzle or look at books or draw, and then the little one follows, older one can't concentrate with little one present, and they start to get into more destructive activities... we have 20 acres, a barn with chickies, a swingset with a climbing tower and slide, and a sandbox and kiddie pool... why oh why does he want to hang out inside so much? My husband says I should just lock the doors and sit outside with snacks, water, etc until they learn to have fun outside. Maybe he's right? I mean, I could bring some books outside too and he could read outside...

swd12422- Thanks for the hugs! Places like malls scare me because my 2 yr old hates restraints and wants to RUN AWAY and laugh about it in public, and at 6 months pregnant I don't like chasing! I am thinking of getting a LEASH! But playgrounds and the beach may be more realistic.

[orquidea]

How about getting some support for you? Like a mother's helper or a babysitter? This should also be helpful to you when the new baby arrives.
Having dh on board with your discipline approach would also be a good boost for you I bet. Is he willing to read anything or maybe attend a parenting class on gd?
Your property sounds really nice. A nature walk could be a fun way to entice your little ones outside.

[mom2grrls]

Make up some new fun activities to do outside-blowing bubbles, I spy, a scavenger hunt, etc. As for the behaviors in the house, make changes so some of the things won't happen to begin with. Perhaps take your window treatments down for a while or takethe long pieces and put them up over the curtain rod. It doesn't look pretty but keeeps little hands away. Can you gate off the washing machine or just make it so they can't reach the dials? Same thing for the faucets-close the bathroom door. I would just do the basics when it comes to housework and then focus more on playing with the kids

[momma_unlimited]

Thanks all for the suggestions. I've hashed this out a little and I've decided I think it goes beyond circumstances described here; I think I have pre-natal depression... all of a sudden I have not been myself, and have not been up to the normal challenges life presents. I think if I can deal with that I will be able to deal with family life and implement some of the suggestions (more routine, more involved activities with kiddos)... thanks for listening, suggesting, and caring!