It seems like dh doesn't like the new baby

[Koalamom]

I am so sad about this. Dh refuses to hold the baby, He will if I put the baby in his arms, but he quickly remembers that he has to do something else, and puts the baby down as soon as possible. He has only changed a diaper once or a change of clothes. He refuses to sleep in the same bed as us. We have a king size bed and we co sleep with dd too. Room isn't an issue. I was so stressed today and had to beg him to change a messy diaper, and he said no and left the room. Almost every night when he gets home from work, he complains that he is hungry and I don't have dinner ready yet. Then he fixes himself something, while I am just taking care of the baby and 2 yr dd. He said the other night that he doesn't see what the big deal is by not having dinner ready. Oh I could go on and on. I am so emotional about this. I would rather have the baby and dd to take care of instead of him hanging around, and me expecting him to pitch in. I keep telling myself that it is just pregnancy hormones, but I really think that dd has a problem with the baby being around.

[Pernillep]

I am so sorry.He definitely should be helping out and not expecting things to be back to normal so soon.
Was he like this when your DD was born?
I know DH didn't know what to do with DS when he was just born and assumed i knew what I was doing. It was hard and took a long time to negotiate a good division where he felt comfortable and wasn't constantly coming to me.

[sky_and_lavender]

I'm sorry! How difficult for you. It kind of sounds like he must be in denial!

If you can, maybe you can sit down and explain that a new baby requires a lot of attention and that the baby needs his attention, too, because it's his baby as much as yours. Remind him you just gave birth and need help with chores like cooking while you adjust and help your baby and toddler adjust.

[2boyzmama]

Men can--and often do--go through their own versions of PPD, so it's possible that's some of what the problem is for your husband. You can try to bring it up yourself, or you can call your OB/MW or you husband's PCP and ask for their advice.

[Abraisme]

I also wonder.. Did he act like this when your 2 year old was born? Was he excited about the pregnancy before the baby? He co-slept before the new baby was born, but not now?..

It seems from my experience that many men don't feel connected to newborns. I've known several men that didn't have much to do with their children until they were more interactive..

Also, the advice that he might be depressed seems logical to me. It seems like good advice to get that checked out with your care provider.

Good luck!

[Flower of Bliss]

Ok, so you're less than 2 weeks postpartum, home alone all day with your newborn and your 2 year old, and your DH comes home and wants to know where his dinner is??? I can't imagine how you're holding it together at all.

Assuming that your DH is generally a positive at least somewhat involved husband and father, something is very very very wrong with this picture. I would try to speak with your DH about it, and I second the concern that maybe he's depressed...

If your DH is not generally helpful and involved in parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc, you guys need to discuss a new balance of household duties at least for the next few weeks.

Do you have any friends or family that could be helping you some during the day and/or bringing you meals?

[Mamatoabunch]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

Ok, so you're less than 2 weeks postpartum, home alone all day with your newborn and your 2 year old, and your DH comes home and wants to know where his dinner is??? I can't imagine how you're holding it together at all.

Yes, is he like this in other areas or before. Oh goodness, I would just be crying all day, you poor thing.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama

Men can--and often do--go through their own versions of PPD, so it's possible that's some of what the problem is for your husband. You can try to bring it up yourself, or you can call your OB/MW or you husband's PCP and ask for their advice.

I agree.

I had PPD after the birth of my second child but not my first child. I think it was because things were a bit tougher with two children and all the additional stressors on me. It was very tough for my DH as well. My DH has since acknowledged it as well and says this time around he hopes to do better. So it could be that your DH has something similar to PPD and just longs for things to go back to normal. I remember feeling that way.

[Coconut Chronicles]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

Ok, so you're less than 2 weeks postpartum, home alone all day with your newborn and your 2 year old, and your DH comes home and wants to know where his dinner is??? I can't imagine how you're holding it together at all.

:

[GenomicsGirl]

I'm so sorry your dh is being such a jerk I don't think I could handle it. I've been there, I've had a 2-year old and a newborn, I know exactly how hard it is, I know how overwhelming it can be just to make it through the day with everyone clean and fed, let alone having unrealistic demands from dh. I have no advice, but I do have a virtual hug for you. Hug.

[mama*pisces]

Originally Posted by Flower of Bliss

Ok, so you're less than 2 weeks postpartum, home alone all day with your newborn and your 2 year old, and your DH comes home and wants to know where his dinner is??? I can't imagine how you're holding it together at all.

This.

Oh mama...you've got to sit down and talk to him about this, and tell him that you need his help without having to ask every time. It is possible that he is going through his own version of PPD, so maybe seeing a counselor would be a good idea... I know this is really hard on you, and I hope he comes around soon.

[Michigan Mama]

I don't know what to say. No great words of wisdom.

I'll pray that you're able to talk through things and move forward together to make sure your family (including you!!) gets everything it needs.

[Lacrymosa]

Wow. I can't believe that. Does he get how incredibly hard and time consuming a newborn is?! Especially after being pregnant for 9 months and all the hormones.

You poor thing I'm sorry

[LilWin]

That must be incredibly hard and frustrating. Be sure to take good care of yourself right now and not forget how important that is, you're still healing!
Personally, I would be very angry and not be able to hold that in when it comes to complaints about diner and such. But he might have hurt or sadness that are a cause for his behavior. Did your DH have any time off from work after the baby was born or did he have to go back straight away? He might feel like he didn't get any chance to bond with the new baby (yet) and feel really sad about it. Or perhaps he wants to hold/change/care for baby but seeing how small and fragile a newborn is frightens him (you forget so quickly when your older child is already a toddler). Perhaps there hasn't been time for a serious talk with you about all the feelings flying through the house, the birth, the new situation with two kids instead of one. There can be lots of things going on in his head, and I would definitely talk to him about what he's feeling, coming from a place of love, of wanting to know what's going on with him. Adjusting from one to two kids was one of the hardest parts of parenting for me (up till now, talk to me in another month, lol) and I know it was the same for DH. I'm extremely fortunate that my DH is able to take two or three weeks off from work when baby arrives because it's easier for me, but I also know it helps him, bonding with the baby and getting to know him/her but also to grow into a family together from the start. I know you're only two weeks pp and still fragile and recovering, but I think leaving the house to go to work every day in such an emotional time when you really want to be together must be really hard too. I hope you can work it out together.

[Jilian]

I'm sorry mama. Maybe you need to have a sit down talk with him and explain how hard and hurtful his behavior is. I feel so sad for you, it must be really difficult to deal with on top of pp recovery and all of the hormones that go along with it. Was he like this with your first child? I've heard of some dads taking a while to adjust and going through their own depression (my XH went through a little PPD for the first week or so after DS1 was born) but he needs to help out. Sending lots of hugs to you

[brooklynbabymama]

oh mama, i'm so sorry! how about a pp doula? your man sounds like he's drowning in responsibility and accepting his new family structure, sounds like he needs some impartial common sense and you need some weight lifted off your shoulders.

the new baby is just a bundle of needs right now which is hard for lots of new parents to accept...and we're all new parents when there's a newborn in the picture, especially when contrasted with a functioning, responsive toddler. this will pass and babe and dad will develop their own bond down the road. you just need some resources right now to establish the new routine.

[Koalamom]

Thanks for all the responses ladies.
Dh didn't act this way when my dd was born. He was great. Strange how he is only wanting to be around her now. He takes her out driving when he gets home from work, and plays with her alot. I guess I should be grateful about that, but I don't need another kid around. Like how I say dinner time, and dd cries for ice cream, and dh says, well she will get ice cream even if mom says no.

I really wonder if dh is depressed. We have gone through many times through out our relationship of him being distant, and me being a soppy mess. I wonder how many more times I can go through this. I guess I have to just put up with it until I am more healed from the birth to take any action.

I asked him today if he would change the babies diaper, and he said no. I asked him if he had a problem with the baby because he never wants to change diapers or hold the baby, and he got mad and didn't answer and stormed out the door. Were my questions to harsh? It had to be said- no beating around the bush.

Yesterday when I got off with someone who had just had their baby, I wanted to tell him about it, and he left the room while in mid sentence. When he can back some time later, I told him that he was quite rude and I wanted to share good news with him and he said "I really don't care."

I just can't take this. How long should I give him to snap out of it?

I wish I had some support around, but I don't and my family isn't supportive either.

Oh save me someone! how do I put up with this better?

[Mamabeakley]

You are not crazy - his behavior is irrational and unacceptable.

However, you can't change his behavior, especially not right now.

You have a right to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself, your baby, and your daughter - in that order - for today, and one day at a time.

Keep asking here and other places for emotional support, because it sounds like he's not able to give you any right now. We're here, we know what you are experiencing as a new mama of 2 and we're safe to talk to.

If and when you have the emotional energy to try to communicate with him, do it, but if you don't - let go and let god or the universe or whatever you believe in deal with him, because he is not a child and he's not your responsibility.

Sometimes in times like that I have had to put my feelings away on a shelf in a closet in my mind - they would still be there later for me to deal with when I was in a better place logistically to do so - but right then they would have been incapacitating. This is kind of not a great idea in some ways, but there have been times in my life when that was what it took to survive.

It can also help to be grateful for whatever is going right, however small. I think I'd be grateful that he was willing to be with DD.

And thinking about that, I wonder what birth order he is in his family? I know I have had some strong feelings after my 2nd and this 3rd child's birth having to do with really old feelings from my own experience of being the oldest when my siblings were born, etc.

You are strong, and it's okay to feel however you feel.

Big hugs, mama.

[thepoet]

he sounds like my exhusband.

note how I said EX.



Sorry mama, don't know what to tell you. *hugs*

[BoringTales]

I'd not like that kind of treatment at all. My goodness. Can you just sit him down and ask him point blank what his problem is? Don't let him blow you off or walk away. Tell him that x, y, & z is unacceptable and that he owes you an explanation.