new here - ttc and no luck

[missme]

***I posted this on the TTC forum but am re-posting it here. good suggestion!

Hi all,

I'm new here. I'm a single lesbian, 33, have tried 6 cycles of iui with frozen donor sperm, with no sucess. I never imagined I would have trouble getting pregnant, and I'm becoming really scared that I might have to really struggle to become a mother. My doctor usually does 6 insems before sending patients for laparoscopy or further investigations, so I guess that's my next step. I hope I don't have to do IVF, but I will if I must. I would love to adopt, but it's financially extremely daunting.

If I have to wait for further "treatment", I want to ttc with fresh donor sperm (hopefully arranged through a friend of a friend) in the meantime. I'm scared to trust someone though...both in terms of health and of later involvement with a child. I prefer to have full responsibility for a child, but I want to do what is best for the child...and maybe that means donor involvement?

Has anyone used a known donor? Or semi-known donor? How did you find a donor? How did you arrange it? What did you discuss? How is it working out?

Thanks.

[sunwillshine]

Originally Posted by missme

Has anyone used a known donor? Or semi-known donor? How did you find a donor? How did you arrange it? What did you discuss? How is it working out?

Hi missme! This is definitely a good place to post.

DP and I are using a known donor/fresh sperm. We are in our second cycle of trying. Last cycle we were able to become pregnant, but it didn't stick (this is very common).

I've read/heard that it tends to take a bit longer with frozen sperm, and that it's ALL about the timing. With fresh sperm, there is a bit more leeway on the timing.

We've not had any problems w/ our donor & we trust him completely. He is in a monogomous relationship, and we had him tested for HIV and other STIs two times, six months apart, before we started trying. We also executed a known donor contract, outlining the terms of our agreement to use his sperm and stating the intention of all parties that he will not have any parental involvement with a child conceived. This document does not waive his rights as a parent, but serves a evidence of intent should something happen along the way.

I am the one trying to become pregnant; DP will become the legal parent by having the donor terminate his parental rights and she will adopt any resulting child.

In your case, you would have to have the KD to a voluntary termination of parental rights (if that's what you both wanted) in order for you to be viewed as the only legal parent of the child.

Any other questions, bring 'em on! I'm very open to discussion about this, as I had very similar questions when we were making our decisions regarding TTC. And there are definitely other women on this board who have loads of experience and can chime in (I suggest searching the archives for "known donor" as well).

Good luck!

[citygirl144]

Thanks for this post- we are also looking for a known donor. Lyndzies, is your donor someone you already knew? Are you going to have any involvement with the donor (not parental, but sort of as a special friend or "uncle")? We are having a hard time finding someone who is willing to do such a big favor for us but at the same time doesn't think he will feel like the baby is his "own." In a way its hard to see what's in it for them- which sounds like a really crass way to put it, b/c I am sure there are a lot of guys out there who would want to help start a family from the goodness of their hearts, but it is a lot to ask of someone, i think. on the other hand, if they want to do it because they want to have a special relationship with a kid, that is fine too but it starts to make me a little nervous about where the the boundaries are.

[sunwillshine]

Citygirl - to answer your question, yes, our donor was someone we already knew. He's a pretty good friend of ours.

He doesn't want (and we don't want) any recognition beyond what we'd give any of our other close friends. That said, our kid will probably call most of my and DP's close friends "aunt or uncle so-and so," because that's how we were also brought up. Mr and Ms seems too formal, but first name basis lacks the kid/adult respect factor.

As far as what he gets out of it (this may also sounds crass)... he told me he figures that he's not doing anything that he wouldn't be doing anyhow, and this way it's not going to waste. But in all seriousness, he also has said that DP and I are "poster children" for lesbians (this is according to him... I think it's just because he grew up not knowing any queer folks and as he got to know DP and I better, he realize "hey, they're like any other stable couple!"... lol) and he wants to be a part of us being able to have a family just like any other couple should be able to have a family.

He's pretty much giving us the most amazing gift ever.

[missme]

Thanks Lyndzies!

From what I can tell, the 'legal advice' you've given me applies here in Canada too, although I don't have a partner...but creating a document to show intent seems to be the best way...did you go to a lawyer?

Also, have you talked about it with your families? I'm very close to my family and they're supportive of using anonymous donor sperm, but I think they'll be really uncomfortable with a real live man who lives in our city. Not that I base my decision on that, but I refuse to gloss over truth. I've thought about not telling them it's a known donor until/if I'm good and pregnant. Need-to-know basis!

My biggest problem is that I don't know how to find a donor. i don't know many men, and the friends who promised to help me are kind of wimping out... which I understand...it's pretty intense, especially for non-queers. I'm thinking of posting a notice at the health food store, maybe the yoga studio...is that crazy?

[sunwillshine]

creating a document to show intent seems to be the best way...did you go to a lawyer?

Yep. We drafted the document ourselves to fit with our specific situation, and then went to have a consultation with the lawyer who will be helping us with the termination of parental rights/adoption. In advance of the meeting, we sent it to him for his review/feedback, and he provided a lot of suggestions for things that we might want to edit/cut out/add in to make it as durable as possible if it were to be used as evidence in court, should a dispute arise. Again, he made it very clear that it was not in any way a legally binding contract, but that it was a good thing for us to write down our intentions and sign off on them. At the very least, it forces you to think about all the possible issues that arise and talk about those issues and come to an understanding with your donor. I'd be happy to share my document with you, if you want to PM me an email address! I know how hard it can be to find good resources for this process; I'm happy to help in any way I can!

Also, have you talked about it with your families? I'm very close to my family and they're supportive of using anonymous donor sperm, but I think they'll be really uncomfortable with a real live man who lives in our city. Not that I base my decision on that, but I refuse to gloss over truth. I've thought about not telling them it's a known donor until/if I'm good and pregnant. Need-to-know basis!

Both of our families know that we are using a known donor. DPs family does not know the donor's identity, however, and my mother does only because I slipped! (she's cool with it, though). For the most part, we've decided that we aren't really going to be telling many people the identity of our donor, unless DP and KD decide they're comfortable with it. Ultimately, I've left that decision up to DP because I am sensitive to the fact that she, as the non-bio mom, is going to have to deal with some unique emotions regarding our child, and already has a bit of discomfort with people asking questions like "who's the father" and it could be even harder for her if people stated that the kid "looks so much like his/her dad!" I.e., it's going to be hard enough to get people to use our preferred terminology (donor vs. dad) and having people know the donor's identity will likely make it even more difficult.

I think that you really have to go with what you're most comfortable with in terms of "telling." It's really no one's business but yours and the donor's if you choose to use a KD. You could make the justification the the donor may be known to you, but is anonymous as far as everyone else is concerned. Keep in mind, though, that you can't control other people's actions. Regardless of what he may promise, you can't force him to not talk about what he's doing for you if he so chooses.

My biggest problem is that I don't know how to find a donor. i don't know many men, and the friends who promised to help me are kind of wimping out... which I understand...it's pretty intense, especially for non-queers. I'm thinking of posting a notice at the health food store, maybe the yoga studio...is that crazy?

Again, I think that there aren't any "rules!" Whatever works best for you. I have to say that for us, using a friend that we trust was important, because of the risk of STIs. Even though you can have someone tested, there is a period of time when STIs have not caused the body to produce enough antibodies to show up on a test. AND, even if you test your donor twice, 6 months apart... and he shows up clean... you (again) have absolutely NO control over his behavior. You can agree that he'll be monogamous and/or use safer sex practices with his partner(s) while you're trying to become pregnant, but there is no guarantee he won't "slip" or just do what he wants to do behind your back. I know that sounds totally paranoid, but when it comes to your and your potential baby's health, you just have to make sure you've thought about these things. For me, I weighed the risks and benefits of having a KD, and the later definitely outweighed the former. But this isn't necessarily the case for everyone (obviously!).

[missme]

Thanks Lydzies for all the info! I don't have time to write much now, but I will pm you later.
xo

[simcon]

I would definitely recommend searching the archives, as there have been many known donor threads here in the past (which I and others have posted on, and I can only do a short post right now!)

There is no clear road map or textbook, and we definitely are creating the relationship as we go--however, we also wanted to have dp as a second legal parent, so that required our donor to terminate his parental rights. Also, our donor is a very close friend, and we were most comfortable with that.

We have 2 children with the same donor (6 years and 8 months--we also had a m/c in the middle), and have had no real problem insisting on "donor" terminology to everyone around and having them respect that, and use it as well. We also are open with everyone about who the donor is (and we don't mind speculating about whether particular physical traits of the kids came from me or the donor--that said, my dp is extremely comfortable and secure in her role, and there are sturdy, well-developed boundaries all around with our donor.)

One of my favorite stories that our donor told us was how a mutual acquaintance had heard about our pregnancy, and was speculating to him in a gossipy way about who the donor could have been, and he got tell him "I was!", totally startling the guy. Heh. But I digress.

Our donor and his (female) partner have special "uncle" and "aunt" roles in our kids' lives, and though we live on opposite sides of the country, we have an informal agreement in place to see each other at least once a year. We did do a statement of intent, not vetted by a lawyer but modified from a sample we found somewhere--this really just gave us a focus with which to talk the details out.

Although I know situations with known donors where things have gone horribly wrong, more of the situations I know are like ours. I think it is likely to be more challenging without a partner and without someone you know as a potential person, so I would encourage lots and lots of conversation working things out once you find someone who is open to considering the possibility.

Good luck!

eta: sorry, that wasn't that short, actually!

[dykemom]

Hi

Good luck!

Sprinkling baby dust from Canada as well!