Fantasizing about just leaving

[dexlor]

I don't know if I have PPD. My therapist doesn't think so. But I am depressed. I loved the first year with my now 16 month old daughter. So blissful. She was so peaceful. Now she screams when I want to put a shirt on or mostly when I have no idea what's wrong. When she does I think" this is exactly why I didn't want to be a parent for years". She is teething. She is unable to verbalize what she is feeling. I get it. We teach her sign. We distract, redirect. But when she screams and or slaps herself. I think I can just leave. Start over in Europe. Of course, I'd have to give up on all of my friends and family because who would want to be near me if I did that? I'm 41. Both of my parents passed a few years ago. I just started back to work p/t. I struggled with depression in the past. I know all my triggers. I have a great husband, friends and I more than anything love my little girl. I love being with her but when she screams I want nothing to do with her. I shut down. I could care less. I know I just have these stupid little fantasies that I would never act out on but I hate that I have them. I just want to know what to so when she screams. I've tried so many things others have suggested. But I can't stop what I feel. I've tried letting her know what I'm about to do...change diaper, shirt, leave, eat...whatever. It's almost as if the warning makes it worse. I don't want to go through this the rest of my life. Oh god. I am in so much pain, this is absurd. It is irrational. Help.

[shells_n_cheese]

I am so sorry you are suffering this way. PPD or not, it needs to be treated. It's definitely depression. You sound very overwhelmed. Your little girl is probably picking up on this. If you feel this therapist isnt helping--get another one ASAP.

I hope things get better for you soon.

[Ruthla]

It won't be like this forever. Your 16mo baby won't be 16mo forever- she'll grow and change and learn how to talk, and the challenges of raising her will change along with them. It really IS OK if you don't particularly like this age or stage. Toddlers are adorable, but they're also a heck of a lot of work!

I'm not sure what the "cutoff" is for PPD; at some point it's considered "clinical depression" rather than "postpartum depression." Still, both kinds of depression are basically treated in the same way, with the same kinds of medications.

[lisasaurus]

i agree, the label (PPD or garden variety depression) is useless at this point. You just need some relief, and its a great sign that you're reaching out for help. Don't stop with this forum, keep talking about it, keep finding the resources you to need to heal.

This is a little off topic, but its frustrating when people talk about PPD like its this thing that lasts this specific amount of time and is over. Like an event. Depression is not an event. It hides out, lies dormant, you have to remember its there to manage it. you know?