Ugh! Mom vs. Midwife: WWYD?

[MyLittleWarrior]

It's been no secret that my parents arn't on board with my having a home birth. But then they haven't agreed with a single decision I've made since I was 16. My dad is a physician and my mom is a physical therapist and they are both deeply rooted in the medical mindset. They don't live anywhere near us though, and aside from expressing disapproval of my decision and concern for my and the baby's safety, it mostly doesn't come up. Well, it turns out that my mom will be visiting her parents (who live in the same city as I do) at the time of my next MW appointment, and she want's to come along. Taken off guard by the request, I kind of already said OK. My mom swears up and down that she has no intention of being rude or confrontational, but she has some questions about how my midwife would handle certain emergencies and is hoping for some reassurance that we are in capable hands.

It's not that I think things will go badly, but the more I think about it the less I want her to come to an appt wit me. I live in a state where midwifery is not licensed, and I worry that my mom finding out about that will cause even more problems. I resent the fact that she feels a need to insert herself into the most private and personal decisions in my life. And I have some medical issues that my mom does not know about and are frankly none of her business but are relevant to my maternity care and I worry about them coming up at this appointment. Mostly, I look forward to the time I get to spend with my midwife at these appointments, and ever since I told my mom she could come I've been dreading this next one.

I've been thinking about something along these lines: "Mom, I understand your concern for my safety and appreciate you wanting to learn more about homebirth, but the more I think about it the less comfortable I am with your interrogating my midwife. If you have some specific concerns or questions you would like answered, I would be happy to ask them of my midwife and let you know how she would handle those situations. But I will be going to my appointment by myself."

Am I being petty? It's not like she's asking to be there for the birth. I'm 27 years old, and I'm tired of my parents thinking they still have any say in my personal decisions.

[Youngfrankenstein]

I think what you wrote is good. You hired the mw but your mom can't give her the third degree just because. Maybe you could call your mw ahead of time and ask her opinion.

[ShwarmaQueen]

Yah, I would say something along the same lines.

My mom is very skeptical of my plans as well...

[JJ'sMom]

What you wrote is great.

Have her write down her questions so you will not forget them.

If she pushes, let her know that a visit to the MW is a medical appointment and you do not feel comfortable having her there. (If she still pushes, you could ask her about attending her next pap. even though you are not quite in the same situation.)

[lindsayjean]

I agree that you should have her write down her questions and YOU be the one to ask. I don't think it's probably a good idea for her to come along. I mean, you are an ADULT, your mom doesn't really have that right... then it seems like she is in control. I had the exact same issue with my mom (although she did NOT want to meet the midwife at ALL), who is a L&D nurse. I found out after I had the baby even that she was talking all over the place about my unlicensed midwife (and totally freaked out my inlaws). I just had a "don't talk to me about it unless you are positive" rule

Sounds like you need some solid boundaries with them, don't let them rule your choices!

[MandyB]

I had the same issues with my parents when I decided to have my first homebirth. Instead of doing what you have mentioned, I went against what I WANTED to do and let my mom come to an appointment with me. It was the best thing I could have done! My midwives put my mom (who is extremely mainstream medical) at ease and she was much more supportive of my homebirth after that visit. My dad, on the other hand still had all of his little opinions and comments to make all the way up until the day my daughter was born. Now that I'm working on my third homebirth, my dad is actually supportive of homebirth too.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by MandyB

I had the same issues with my parents when I decided to have my first homebirth. Instead of doing what you have mentioned, I went against what I WANTED to do and let my mom come to an appointment with me. It was the best thing I could have done! My midwives put my mom (who is extremely mainstream medical) at ease and she was much more supportive of my homebirth after that visit. My dad, on the other hand still had all of his little opinions and comments to make all the way up until the day my daughter was born. Now that I'm working on my third homebirth, my dad is actually supportive of homebirth too.

That's interesting, but I'd run it by my midwife and get her take on how comfortable she was with it first before considering it.

And I'd make it clear to the MW that I was interested in her SINCERE position on it; she should not feel pressured to go along with it to make me or my mother happy.

Some MWs could pull it off and some would fold under pressure

[peainthepod]

No, you are not being petty by expecting your mother to respect your adult autonomy and need for medical privacy. I suspect you are made to feel petty for it, though. Your body, your birth, your choice.

What you wrote is more than reasonable. Be strong, mama! Protect yourself however you need to and don't let anyone make you feel bad for doing so.

[averlee]

I personally would not let someone (anyone) come along to a midwife OR doctor appointment, who was just coming to ask a bunch of test questions and determine if my care was adequate. If she is unsatisfied, then what? Are you going to change your decision to accomodate her? I say, if she wants to come along to offer her support, meet the midwives, and feel more involved in your pregnancy, that's wonderful, if you're comfortable with that I see no problem. But allow her to quiz your midwife? Does she realize this will take up valuable time at your appointment? Or that it is offensive- she proves that she thinks you are uncapable of asking good questions yourself?

[weliveintheforest]

Definitely go with your gut, and do not bring your Mom to the appointment with you if you don't want to. You don't even need to explain yourself, just say you need privacy.

[railyuh]

Well if your mom does wind up coming I would definitely let your midwife know ahead of time so she knows what to expect.

But personally, I'd be inclined to tell her no and offer to take a list of questions and ask the midwife yourself.

[billikengirl]

Some midwives encourage visits with family members. In a state that doesn't recognize non nurse midwives/homebirth/etc, I'd definitely ask the midwife BEFORE showing up at an appt with someone who might cause trouble.

I agree with PP that if you don't want your mom there, then she shouldn't be there. Go with your gut and what helps you be at peace during your pregnancy. I think what you've planned to say to your mom is perfect.

[MamaTaraX]

I'd ask the midwife what she thinks. It's absolutely amazing when naysaying family members meet midwives much of the time. They see that these are competent caring women, and in states where they are illegal, they see that they are willing to put their necks on the line to support a woman's right to birth where she pleases and have the best, safest experience possible. Definintely ask ahead of time though since said midwife is practicing at her own risk and occasionally well-meaning naysayers can cause trouble.

I'm all about trusting your gut though and if your gut says to not let her come, don't. However, do give your mom a little credit. I couldn't fault a mom for worrying about the safety and care of her daughter, evenif she did come off as overbearing and awful when doing so. As a mother, it's not too hard to imagine wanting the best for your children and if that means grilling their care provider so that you feel better about it, well, that might just be a way of showing that you care (even if your child doesn't think so!).

I'm sure you'll figure out what is best for you and your family. Whether your mom comes or not, you should seek out your midwife's opinion on the matter. She might have a different perspective that gives you something to think about. Best wishes!

[Kidzaplenty]

Ok, I would probably want to tell my mom no, but I am weak when it comes to saying that to her. So, I would likely cave and just change my appointment to a time when she was no longer around.

[MyLittleWarrior]

Thanks for all of the replies. I think I have decided to disinvite her to my appointment. As tempting as it would be to just reschedule, my parents obviously have boundary issues when it comes to my personal life and my family and I really feel I need to clearly establish some firm boundaries. My appointment isn't until early September. Do I call Mom now and let her know (it won't change her travel plans, she is coming specifically to help her mom and dad after my grandpas knee surgery) or wait until she gets here and tell her then?

[peainthepod]

It's up to you, mama, but personally I would let her know in advance. There's no need to have her arrive thinking that she's going to go with you. Might as well give her a chance to accept your decision before she gets there. Be strong!

[birthgreeter]

you have received some great advice, so I will just respond as a midwife...

first- if you do bring someone else, friend or family member- esp since you are in a less than friendly state, I as a midwife would want to know. one reason, I would have some info available (rather than at the appointment be looking in files for it) that might help her to understand reasons for home birth, etc.

Second, I would want to know-for all the reasons already said in prev posts.

It is important to go with your gut feeling to have her there or not. For me in my practice, I have met moms- (also who worked in the medical field) and after meeting with me, a CPM, was more assured and at peace for their child's birth -of their grand child. (I am in a un-friendly state for CPM's and other DEM's)

Remember (as already pointed out in above posts) if your midwife has another appointment after yours, you will have a certain amount of time, and do you want to give up your precious time with your midwife -to your moms questions?

Now, for your final question-you know your mom. If you let her know now, will it create a problem -over phone calls etc, that may bother you and cause un needed stress on you for the next few weeks?

If so, then just tell her when she gets her. Or reschedule (as someone said,)I would reschedule for the week before-(so she does not try to stay longer if you change it to a few days after she is scheduled to leave) your midwife will understand!

blessings!

[ShwarmaQueen]

Originally Posted by peainthepod

It's up to you, mama, but personally I would let her know in advance. There's no need to have her arrive thinking that she's going to go with you. Might as well give her a chance to accept your decision before she gets there. Be strong!

:

[deymm]

I wouldn't be so direct and accusatory with her. Just tell her you'd rather she not come with you. No explanation necessary.

perhaps your midwife would be willing to chat with her via phone.

And if you decide to change the appointment, just say the appointment needed to be changed, but not that you did it. I have twice had my MW's office call me to change my appointment because she was at a birth. Your midwife just might get called to a birth that day (wink, wink)

[zoebird]

you are absolutely doing the right thing.

if your mother needs assurances, she can get on the internet and go to the library and look up information on the safety of homebirth and how midwives (in general) handle certain situations.

seriously, there is no need to put yourself or your midwife in this (horrid) position. just tell your mom that, on second thought, you do not want her at the appt. and then leave it go. no explainations, no excuses.