I hate my daughter's hair - WWYD? Poll - Page 4

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by darcytrue

my DD does have short hair and she still squirms and gets nervous when I comb her hair. I'm as gentle as gentle can be but my DD is still very much a drama queen. I keep her hair short simply because there's less there to comb through but if I don't use 2-3 types of hair products when washing her hair and combing it out then she will complain the whole time. It's just the type of hair she has and she is very tenderheaded to begin with. She's never really liked being "messed" with, even as a baby. Although now at the age of 7 at least she doesn't scream bloody murder when I comb her hair and she just complains or calmly says ouch or 'oh no,' something like that. So it's much better now that she's older. And she loves putting hair pins in her hair now so that helps a bunch. I find that partly combed hair looks really good pinned back compared to partly combed left hanging down. But that's my DD I'm talking about. I can't speak for any other girls.

Is your daughter a Leo, too?

[dachshundqueen]

Rusk cream detangler. Awful hair to great. I mean, big huge mats, to she will now sit for 5 minutes to have it combed and braided. Regular trims too.

Liz

[beanma]

I think your dd is old enough to take care of her hair herself. I'm not sure if she's the '01 child or the '04 child, but I have an '01 and an '03 (almost '04) and they've been brushing their own hair for quite some time. They don't do it perfectly, but they work at it and they know if they leave tangles in there then Mama will have to get them out. I usually bribe them with a TV show. I let them go to the store and pick out a brush they like. My dd2 loves a soft boar bristle brush. I favor a firm wooden bristle brush, but whatever works.

I think your dd's bob was cute, but I try to avoid telling my kids how to wear their hair or clothing (as long as it's not indecent). Does this mean my kids have long scraggely hair and mismatched clothes? Yes, sometimes, but sometimes they have beautiful silken locks and party dresses. It's their hair; they get to decide.

P.S. I've never actually had to cut out a tangle. If you keep working at it you don't have to. I do explain that if you leave them in they'll turn into dreadlocks and then the only way to get rid of them is to cut them out, but my dd2 has never had her hair cut (she's 5.5 with hair down to her butt) and we often don't get around to brushing it every day. We were just at the beach (salt water, sand) for 4 days and didn't brush AT ALL while we were down there. I made them take a shower and shampoo and condition when we came back and dd2 brushed her hair. What she couldn't get out I got out. No cutting necessary. We like Giovanni products, too, but will use most anything from the HFS.

Wanted to add that both my girls have hair just like your dd's, but longer. It's very fine and tangles easily for sure.

[newbymom05]

Originally Posted by Carley;14221547[B

Anyone have any advice on how to cut a crazy 3yo's hair?[/B]

We go to a Cool Cuts that's inside a Toys R Us. So a haircut includes sitting in a car, watching some junk kids tv (they have a big selection of videos), and maybe a toy afterward. Oh, and they give out a sucker when they're finished. My DS hated haircuts until we found this place, now he loves to go. They have a big selection of girly products, I've noticed--maybe that could be a bribe too. My brother bought some gel that smells like cookies. (Gag!!) But whatever works!

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Cascadian

1) I found a hair detangler comb at the drugstore - never saw one like it before (new?) - http://www.goody.com/Products/Collec...ling_Comb.aspx

The comb in your photo link looks very much like the one I use on my hair and my daughters' hair, only mine is a light blue and the handle is a bit thicker.

Originally Posted by Cascadian

4) Soft boar's hair brush - brush underneath as well as the top. This makes the hair less stringy.

I brush up the nape of the neck, too, under the hair after I've removed the tangles on top. I do it without thinking, though, so I didn't think to mention it.

Originally Posted by octobermom

My DD does not have curly hair actually she has thick straight hair not washing makes it look and feel horrible. We have to wash at least 2 times a week or her hair gets super itchy oily and matted where she pulls out chunks. we have to be careful about over conditioning as well. Not all hair types work the same

It's true, hair is different. My oldest has very thick, full, straight hair (it was once curly but the curls disappeared when I trimmed her hair after much persuasion from my mother : and I totally regret ever having trimmed her hair).

Her hair is gloriously thick and shiny. I still only wash it once per week, otherwise the ends get frizzy and dry.

My youngest has very thin, fine, spirally curls and her hair has always been short. She also started with quite a bit less, though. It is just now getting long enough to reach the tops of her shoulders and those spirals are spiraling downward instead of poofy like a poodle.

I also only wash her hair once per week otherwise her hair gets extremely dry and hard to comb or brush at all. If I don't condition her hair every single day, it is a thick mat of tangles up on the back of her head.

Originally Posted by dachshundqueen

Rusk cream detangler. Awful hair to great. I mean, big huge mats, to she will now sit for 5 minutes to have it combed and braided. Regular trims too.

Liz

Is Rusk a brand name? What store sells this? Is it a natural product? I've heard there is a type of oil that can be used in the hair. I think that was coconut oil. I've been told it is sold at wal-mart around here and looks solid in a jar, and is not liquid until warmed in your hands. I have yet to go to wal-mart to look for it.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Carley

No MDC Moms are making them feel bad about their bodies!

And coersion? That is TOTALLY harsh!

OP

Talking someone into doing something they don't want to do is coercion. Often times small children will agree to things they don't want to do to make their parent happy then hate themselves/the way they were made to look afterwards.

[Carley]

We all have different ideas of parenting - I really believe that having a conversation with a child and shaping a child's choices - especially as far as personal hygeine is concerned, and especially in the manner the OP suggested - is far from coercion.

co⋅erce  /koʊˈɜrs/

–verb (used with object), -erced, -erc⋅ing. 1. to compel by force, intimidation, or authority, esp. without regard for individual desire or volition: They coerced him into signing the document.
2. to bring about through the use of force or other forms of compulsion; exact: to coerce obedience.
3. to dominate or control, esp. by exploiting fear, anxiety, etc.: The state is based on successfully coercing the individual.

co·erce (kō-ûrs')
tr.v. co·erced, co·erc·ing, co·erc·es
1.To force to act or think in a certain way by use of pressure, threats, or intimidation; compel.
2.To dominate, restrain, or control forcibly: coerced the strikers into compliance. See Synonyms at force.
3.To bring about by force or threat: efforts to coerce agreement.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/coerce

Originally Posted by newbymom05

We go to a Cool Cuts that's inside a Toys R Us. So a haircut includes sitting in a car, watching some junk kids tv (they have a big selection of videos), and maybe a toy afterward. Oh, and they give out a sucker when they're finished. My DS hated haircuts until we found this place, now he loves to go. They have a big selection of girly products, I've noticed--maybe that could be a bribe too. My brother bought some gel that smells like cookies. (Gag!!) But whatever works!

NO WAY!!! That is AWESOME!!!!

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Carley

We all have different ideas of parenting - I really believe that having a conversation with a child and shaping a child's choices - especially as far as personal hygeine is concerned, and especially in the manner the OP suggested - is far from coercion.

co⋅erce  /koʊˈɜrs/

–verb (used with object), -erced, -erc⋅ing. 1. to compel by force, intimidation, or authority, esp. without regard for individual desire or volition: They coerced him into signing the document.
2. to bring about through the use of force or other forms of compulsion; exact: to coerce obedience.
3. to dominate or control, esp. by exploiting fear, anxiety, etc.: The state is based on successfully coercing the individual.

co·erce (kō-ûrs')
tr.v. co·erced, co·erc·ing, co·erc·es
1.To force to act or think in a certain way by use of pressure, threats, or intimidation; compel.
2.To dominate, restrain, or control forcibly: coerced the strikers into compliance. See Synonyms at force.
3.To bring about by force or threat: efforts to coerce agreement.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/coerce

And isn't the parent the "authority" when it comes to their child? So to you this may be a "conversation" to the child it is your parent telling you they hate your hair and you need to cut it in order to make their life easier. The present it as a choice but the child doesn't really FEEL there is a choice and goes along with what the "authority" wants her to do. In the end the child feels like crap about herself but doesn't voice this to the "authority" or parent so the parent goes along thinking that they gave their child a "choice" while they child feels forced into looking "ugly" in her eyes.

Artgoddess isn't the only one with hair/mommy issues and these issues shape how we deal with situation pertaining to our own children. These issues give us insight into how the child probably feels even though you as a parent can't see/doesn't believe this to be true. What makes YOU SURE that your child doesn't end up feeling this way in the end? She will NEVER tell you.

[Carley]

Allright - clearly haircare is a really hot topic. I was just putting it out there.

Anyway, I'm totally sad because our ToysRUs does not have a Cool Cuts

[*Erin*]

oh, she's a cutie and i'd coerce/talk her into cutting it. i know that's not going to be the most popular answer, but i'd rather my dd have easy maintenence, short hair than long hair that she can't/won't groom

[newbymom05]

Please. We all coerce our children to some degree, especially our small children. For example, if it were up to my 4 y/o, he would choose to do things like eat chocolate all day, sit in the front seat with me (if not drive the car) and watch tv until he went into a vegetative state. I, the parent, must make these choices for him. And a lot of times those decisions are based on my convenience and stress levels. If a small child's hair is causing the parent stress, I think it's totally reasonable to take steps to limit that stress.

Now an 8 y/o, yes, IMO s/he should have more say and control. But an under-5? I don't see a haircut that will make everyone's daily routine a more pleasant thing as some horrible autonomy-destroying act, but that's just me.

[melis79]

My DD was pretty bald until she was about 4 and then in the year between her 4th and 5th birthday her hair all came in and ended up being about as long as midback. Because she didnt have hair for so long her scalp is really sensitive and she hates having her hair combed or brushed. We always use a detangler after her shower to get the tangles out but still she would pitch a fit everytime it was time to brush or "do" her hair.

After she turned 5 it got worse and she would just scream and cry and fight me when it was time to brush her ratty hair. Finally we sat down and had a little girl time and a heart to heart. I told her that part of being a girl is having your hair brushed and looking nice and not ratty and dirty. I told her that we either need to a)brush and do something with her hair everyday (ponytail or braids to keep it out of her face and not tangled) or b) go and and cut her hair short so it would be easier to brush and keep untangled.

She thought about it and decided to cut it. We went the next day and cut it in a short bob. It was sooo cute. I have let her grow it since then as she has gotten better at letting me brush and put in pigtails without much fuss. She knows if she starts to get unreasonable at hair brushing time then we will cut it again.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

Now an 8 y/o, yes, IMO s/he should have more say and control. But an under-5? I don't see a haircut that will make everyone's daily routine a more pleasant thing as some horrible autonomy-destroying act, but that's just me.

Or the child could resent you for the rest of her life for forcing her to be "ugly" to make your life easier.

[Valval]

My mom had to cut my beautiful golden hair off when I was in first grade because of head lice. I wasn't happy about it at first, but I got over it.

I think with a 5 year old I would be more worried about mean little girl issues than about mommy made me cut my hair issues. If the OPs daughter is headed into Kindergarten, well, kids, especially 5 year old Hannah Montana, High School Musical watching, just regular old kids, can be horribly cruel.

This can also be such a power struggle thing. I have combed many a little girl's hair when they wouldn't let their mommies do it, just because I wasn't their mom.

[Carley]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

Please. We all coerce our children to some degree, especially our small children. For example, if it were up to my 4 y/o, he would choose to do things like eat chocolate all day, sit in the front seat with me (if not drive the car) and watch tv until he went into a vegetative state. I, the parent, must make these choices for him. And a lot of times those decisions are based on my convenience and stress levels. If a small child's hair is causing the parent stress, I think it's totally reasonable to take steps to limit that stress.

...I don't see a haircut that will make everyone's daily routine a more pleasant thing as some horrible autonomy-destroying act, but that's just me.

nope, it's not just you! It's me too! I can't wait to coerce my daughter this weekend! It's going to be awesome!


I think we're all pretty darn lucky that we live in a country so void of ills that we're allowed to be traumatized by how our mothers made us wear our hair when we were young.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by Carley

I think we're all pretty darn lucky that we live in a country so void of ills that we're allowed to be traumatized by how our mothers made us wear our hair when we were young.

The hair is usually just the beginning of a pattern that breads low self esteem and body image. I think your comment really trivializes these problems that are brought on by parents who care more about their idea of how you should look than how they make you feel while forcing you to get there.

[yarngoddess]

Hair Products...

I have long hair. I've had long hair since 2nd grade. My girls have long hair too. They also have hair very similar to your DD's hair. I know this isn't NFL kind of products....but Soap&Glory Hair Conditioner (avalible at Target or target.com) I have tried every product avalible. Honestly I've tried everything Nothing works for me- except THIS. Soap & Glory- you only need a tiny little bit...

I hope you find a solution for your DD- because for some of us...hair is very important and if my mom (and she did) wanted me to cut my hair I would have been heart broken

[LynnS6]

OP here: I'm not going to touch the body image debate with a ten foot pole!

Truth be told I don't WANT to cut my daughter's hair (not when I'm well rested, well fed and feeling rational). I wasn't any of those when I posted! (And I've only chased her around the house with a scissors once!) I was really just having a mommy hissy fit.

FWIW, dd's got fine, but THICK hair. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but there's a ton of hair. That's part of the problem. There are layers and layers of it. (I know, it's the same kind of hair I have and ds has.) It's also a bit wavy, though when it's long, you don't see that as much. When shoulder length or shorter, it doesn't tangle nearly as easily. It must be something about where her hair starts to curl.

She likes it longer. It has nothing to do with 'body image', I don't think. She's got friends with long and short hair, so it's not like there's a norm in her life. she likes to play with her hair, she likes how she looks with it long. I don't want to give her a complex.

Thanks for the solutions. I'm seeing an upward trend here. I got some of the Fructis stuff suggested in an early post, and put it on last night on her dry hair. We braided it, and it was MUCH better this AM. I could get the tangles out (yes, I do start from the bottom and work my way up).

I was doing a few things wrong that I can remedy

• Washing her hair: I was rinsing her with bath water - we can stop that. I try not to pile her hair on her head to shampoo it, but SHE does that!
• I'll try a few of the conditioners mentioned over the next few months and see how they do (we're already using the detangler by the gallon)
• Braiding her hair before bed - she's let me do that the last 2 nights. She wanted a pony tail this AM, but I suspect tomorrow she'll want to wear it long. I'm OK with either.
• I've ordered an 'ouchless' comb online.
• I'll trim the ends this weekend (though honestly, they look OK). We've talked about trimming it about 1/2", and she's not thrilled but OK with it. I would NEVER cut more than that under the guise of a 'trim'. Ds needs a haircut anyway, so I'll do both of them at the same time.
• We've talked repeatedly about her options: Let me get the tangles out daily or cut it to a length where it doesn't tangle so easily.

She's my '04 kid and not able to care for it on her own. Her arms just aren't long enough. I don't mind helping her, but I do mind being screamed at. She's got an incredibly low pain threshold. So things that are minor irritations to others really HURT her.

So, I'll keep my fingers crossed and see how it goes.

[Kirsten]

I think you really need to think about WHY you want it cut. If it is because you think it looks better another way, I'd leave her hair long. It is HER hair.

BUT if it is a drama/stress for you and/or other family members who have to listen to her scream while getting her hair brushed, then I vote cut it.

It falls under the rule "feel free to do anything that doesn't cause a problem for someone else".

If she wants long hair, she has to wear it often in braids or ponytails to reduce the tangling. She has to sit reasonably still and quiet to have it brushed at least once per day - by you if she isn't able to take care of it herself yet. If she can't/won't do this, then I'd have it cut to shoulder length.

[madskye]

My DD, 4, has really long curly hair. Sometimes it looks great, sometimes it gets stringy. I had long hair when I was little and lots of unhappy memories of getting it brushed--so I'm always offering to take her for haircut but she likes it long.

One thing that helped was using the right shampoo--I was still using baby shampoo on her and it was making it look stringy. Now we still use some kind of Johnson & Johnson shampoo, but it's not baby shampoo and seems to make a difference. Also, I started putting leave in conditioner on the ends and brushing it thru when she gets out of the tub.

Another thing that helped was going to the store and buying her a bunch of hair things--clips, nice ponytail holders, a few bows for fancy occasions and a lot of head bands.