DH blaming AP for DS's behavior :(

[quelindo]

I've posted about this a few times recently, but my (up until now) sweet son has started hitting and acting out. He just turned four, so I know this is not uncommon, but still, we're kind of at a loss of how to handle it.

Anyway, I was telling DH that DS hit me a few times today, that I actually locked myself in the bathroom to cry at one point, and that the way I've been dealing with it is to stand up and walk out of the room for a while.

I was pretty proud of myself for staying calm and just removing myself from the situation (DS and I were coloring together, so I stopped doing something he wanted me to do and left him alone for a bit).

But DH said, "Isn't that the opposite of attachment parenting? How is that different than locking him in his room?" Then he proceeded to say he has his doubts about AP, because "I thought it was supposed to ensure he wouldn't be like this."

Sigh. I know DH was just venting, but since *I'm* the person who leads the way on things like this (DH has three adult kids from his first marriage and they parented very traditionally) I kind of felt like he was attacking me. I even said, "Maybe if you feel that way *you* should read a few books on attachment parenting."

Help me sort through my thoughts. I still feel like this is AP. I tried holding our son when he gets in a cycle of hitting me, and it just makes him more aggressive and I don't like the feeling of overpowering him (not to mention that he's really, really strong).

[jillmamma]

You absolutely did the right thing. DD is almost 4 and experimenting with hitting/kicking/etc. too when frustrated about something that she can't control. I do use timeouts, so if she does that to me or her brother, into timeout she goes. Afterwards, I always give her a hug and we talk about how much better it is to be nice to each other. After something like that, they need a couple of minutes to cool off and think about what they did. My 6.5 year old is outgrowing that phase, so I think it is something they try around age 4. Think of it this way too, AP has allowed him to grow so attached and comfortable with you knowing mom loves him no matter what, that he can totally let go with his emotions around you.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

First of all, *no* parenting/discipline method will "ensure" that a child behaves all the time. That's a completely unrealistic goal to begin with. I would virtually guarantee that a clear picture of his grown children would reveal episodes like this as well.

Second, it is different to withdraw yourself from a 4 month old or a 4 year old. Your child knows that you are there and that you will come back. AP, and GD, change as children get older and more capable. What would not be "AP" for an infant certainly can be for a preschool-aged child.

And your withdrawing is a perfectly reasonable consequence of being hit. After all, what would you want him to do if a classmate hit him? Hit back? Stand there and take it? No, you would probably want him to move away and protect himself. Which is exactly what you modeled. Neither gentle discipline nor AP require that you take abuse from a child. Neither demand that you not meet your own needs in the name of parenting. Neither require that you shield your child from non-harmful consequences of their actions. You took care of yourself, you modeled appropriate behavior, you created a logical consequence that would not harm your child. All in all, a good response.

[mamazee]

AP and GD aren't really ways to stop behaviors from happening - particularly behaviors at so young an age. It's about how you choose to respond to behaviors and teach better behavior. But some kids do have trouble with aggression at that age. You can spank, or shame, or something like that, and try to get better behavior through force. Or you can gently remind them of appropriate behavior and gently steer them into better behavior.

When my dd was younger and would hit me, I would sometimes have to leave simply because being hit caused an very strong emotional response in me that was not really caused by her and that was unfair to put on her. Her hitting me was not the catalyst for my extreme anger, so I removed myself to calm down a bit before dealing with her. I really think that in my situation that was the best way to deal with it.

So, anyway, as for the hitting, personally I'd probably try to look beyond the behavior at what might be causing it. Problems with a friend? Some issue at home causing anxiety? Fear about starting school? Recent move? Pregnancy or new baby? Etc. Then I'd deal with the issue causing the behavior rather than focusing on the behavior.

[Shiloh]

Anyway, I was telling DH that DS hit me a few times today, that I actually locked myself in the bathroom to cry at one point, and that the way I've been dealing with it is to stand up and walk out of the room for a while.

I half agree with your dh, showing your child that if they hit you you will leave seems like a reward in itself. It might teach the child when you are bad I don't want to be around you, my love is conditional. So if the child wants you to leave, wants your yellow crayon what is going to stop them fro hitting you? Also why not cry infront of the child, hitting hurts! Also did you tell then child something when you left, such as this isn't a nice way to play I will come back in a bit?

[violet]

When I start to question my own methods and whether UP is "enough" I remember Alphie Cohn when he compared traditional parenting method failures and UP parenting failures. If you talk to a traditional/authoritarian model parent who is facing struggles they will say they need to "try harder, be more strict, more consistent" basically adhere to their model with more vigor. But when a UP parent faces struggles people in general and the parent themself may begin to question the model and look for solutions elsewhere instead of within the model itself. Funny. And since I already know which model I believe in, I know what I need to do. Keep on keeping on.

And remember that there is a learning curve. You can be doing the exactly right thing, over and over and over, and it can still take months to see results because we are dealing with kids, not machines. Or, mostly, we do the right things most of the time mixed in with some overdoing it and some underdoing it and we doubt ourselves a lot and it still takes months because they are KIDS, and parenting is a messy business. Keep on keeping on

[quelindo]

Originally Posted by Shiloh

I half agree with your dh, showing your child that if they hit you you will leave seems like a reward in itself. It might teach the child when you are bad I don't want to be around you, my love is conditional. So if the child wants you to leave, wants your yellow crayon what is going to stop them fro hitting you? Also why not cry infront of the child, hitting hurts! Also did you tell then child something when you left, such as this isn't a nice way to play I will come back in a bit?

Well, I'm not sure he WANTED me to leave. He just didn't like the way I was coloring the picture. And yes, I did say, "I don't like being hit. I'm going upstairs for a while."

And I cried by myself because I needed some alone time -- I wasn't crying because it hurt to be hit so much as I was wondering where my sweet little toddler went.

[Shiloh]

he may not have wanted you to leave right then and there..
but if its now a learned behavior with a logical outcome...
he may start to do it to get rid of you.

[JL83]

Originally Posted by New Mama

Well, I'm not sure he WANTED me to leave. He just didn't like the way I was coloring the picture. And yes, I did say, "I don't like being hit. I'm going upstairs for a while."

And I cried by myself because I needed some alone time -- I wasn't crying because it hurt to be hit so much as I was wondering where my sweet little toddler went.

I remove my DD when she isn't behaving in a way that's appropriate in our house's common space. She has her room where she is allowed to do mostly whatever she wants. That's her space.

Most of the rest of the house is our space. And one of our few house rules is that in order to stay in the common space you need to behave. If you can't do that, then you need a break. Sometimes one of the adults needs a break. Sometimes it's the child.

What I don't understand is why he has the right to dictate how you color your/common picture. If he wants a picture colored a certain way, then shouldn't he get his own and leave you alone?