"please send me to a different school...."

[sunbaby]

would you absolutely honor this request? or is it just a common grass is greener type thing? some background:

dd is going into third grade. she is eight and a half.

i have many times been uneasy with the waldorf school she is at, particularly regarding social interactions she reports, and it just sounds like there isnt the level of help i would like her to recieve in academics or with social challenges.

i am so on the fence. i hate change, and feel reluctant to leave my little comfy school community......and i never directly adressed it with her because she's so social and i thought she'd be grieved to leave her friends. however, the other day she apparently told her friends mom that she would like to switch schools, but knew i would never let her. so basically, for a long time she's wanted a change, but been afraid to tell me, and for a long time i've wanted a change, but been afraid to tell her.

i asked her about it tonight and she couldnt say enough about how much she wanted to switch schools. i was floored. nothing she said about her current school was too much like OMG i have to get her out now, but overall, i just totally had misjudged her position on the thing. she is a rather adventurous however, and i couldnt really tell if maybe the idea of a new adventure wasnt giving her an overly rosy view of what a school change implies. do you think she would for sure want to stick with her school if it was truly right for her, or could her happy adventurous personality be pushing for exciting change that might not necesarily be just what she needs?

thanks for your thoughts.

[MusicianDad]

To be honest it sounds to me like that is not the right school for her. Both of you are not entirely happy with it. I personally would honour the request and let her change schools.

[nextcommercial]

If my OWN child had said this, I probably would have looked into sending her to a different school. She was not the type to cry wolf unless there was really a wolf.

Sadly though, it would have most likely been impossible for me to send her to a different school without moving. I have a daycare, and I couldn't transport her to a school. She HAD to walk to school, so a different school wouldn't have been an option. But, I would have certainly tried to find some way to do it if she'd REALLLLLY wanted me to.

[Z1Z2]

If my DD was that interested, I would certainly look into the other possible schools. I don't believe that any one school can be right for all kids; it may be that your DD's current school is an OK place for some kids, just not for her.

Good luck in your decision!

[Oriole]

I would listen.

[Hey Mama!]

If it were my dd I would look deeply into why she wanted to switch, then explain that if she did switch it would be for the whole school year, no backing out if she found she didn't like the new school after all. Then, I'd probably switch her.

[laohaire]

I would listen. Every kid and situation is different, but I have to say I would be absolutely struck by her ability to organize and vocalize her position on the subject.

I went to a middle school where I was aboslutely miserable. I mean, really, I was miserable. I look back on those days as the worst in my life. Going every day was torture.

Every summer my parents would ask me if I wanted to enroll for the next year (it was a private school) and every year I said yes. I didn't know what else to say. My parents asked not because they knew for sure I was miserable (though they probably suspected - my mom had to pick me up from school several times because I was crying and sick from it) but just because they respected my opinion on it. But through 8th grade I couldn't conceive of an alternative or express any position on the subject. So I went until I graduated out of there. Everyone complains about high school but it was a heavenly sanctuary for me

Anyway, that's only my experience and I'm not at all saying your DD has even a similar experience, I doubt it. But the point is really that even though I was miserable I couldn't say otherwise even as a 7th grader, and your 3rd grader is offering some apparently well-reasoned ideas on the subject. I think I'd take that seriously. JMHO.

[Marcella_Moxley]

I would listen, and I would do it. We live in an area where we are fortunate enough to have 4 elementary schools within a 6 mile radius of our house. They are all the same district, and it's a simple matter of driving east instead of west to take the kids to another school. There would also be the matter of a filling out a variance form, but our district isn't strict about it. - Be careful many school districts are overcrowded and demand a "real" reason why you want out of your school and into another. Ours doesn't care, as long as we know they won't bus kids if you variance out.

We also have the choice of several private/religious schools, a charter school and more elementary schools about 10 miles away in another district. All would be possibilities. Of course if you live in a tiny town on 2000 people , then your decision might not be as easy.

I see from my kids attending the same school since Pre-K that the popular girls in K are the popular ones in 8th grade. The brains, the gifted kids in K are the ones receiving academic awards at 8th grade graduation, and the bullies and the meanies remain rude and nasty to other kids their entire school career. These kids do not change, and the social dynamics of staying in a school is a constant. Every year kids ( and parents) Hope for a fresh new start, hoping things will change, kids will change, and hoping that by putting mean girl in a different class than your child it will make a difference. It doesn't.

Some schools and some teachers are just better at managing social drama. Sorry to stereotype, but many male teachers not only don't do anything about it, they don't even notice. Our school has a child psychologist that comes in a discusses bullying and social issues with our kids- many schools don't. Some schools are just better at managing a good social environment. Others can't do it.

If your child wants to change schools because she is tired of the social drama, sick of the lack of something offered at her school ( academically or emotionally) or just sick of looking at the same blue walls, why not move her. She might be the type that thrives on change.

[Dar]

Moved from Preteens and Teens to Learning at School....

[Linda on the move]

it doesn't sound like either of you are happy with the school and that you have other options, so they only thing holding you back is fear.

I'd also work on building your relationship with her. She didn't tell you what was going on because she didn't think you would do anything. Right now it's just about school, but this is not a relationship dynamic that you want to continue into the teen years. Not only is fear ruling where she goes to school, fear rules what you tell each other.

[kathymuggle]

I would let her switch.

It can be very hard for kids to ask for change. I think the situatuion is probably fairly serious if she brought it up. Kids do not ask to change schools lightly.

Kathy

[sunbaby]

linda on the move, i am totally already on track with you. this dynamic deserves real attention. i want her to feel like she can tell me what she needs, even if she thinks i might not like hearing it. this is a generations old family dynamic i am afraid.

thanks all for the feedback. actually, upon reflection, some of my fear is of the longer drive. it would add a lot of driving to my life, the different school is further from home, brothers preschool, and my work. there may be some good carpool oportunity, though.

regarding the interdistric tranfer issue, she would be switching from one charter school outside of our district to an arts magnet program so thats already established as no problem.

thanks everyone. i am terrified. she is elated.

[Heavenly]

I would absolutely put her in a different school. YOU don't want to change her school because YOU don't like change. Get the theme in that sentence? Our children are in school hours a week and they need to be in a place where they are happy. Give your daughter what she wants - a chance at a happy school experience.

[Lisa85]

I'd honor her request, if she had valid reasons for changing. I was miserable in school and wish I could have changed. PP was right. The bullies will always be the bullies, the overachievers will always overachieve, etc. The dynamic is likely not to change just because they're in 4th grade now instead of 3rd, kwim?

[*Erin*]

well, not being snarky, but you just said YOU don't like change, YOU want to stay in with the same group of people...SHE is the one who actually is ATTENDING the school, and it sounds like it's a very poor fit for her. i'd switch her. sooner, rather than later, too, if she is talking about it like she is. good luck, mama!
edited to add
just saw your update, op! your dd is lucky to have you as her mama

[sunbaby]

oh linda, one difference though from your interpretation to mine, i am thinking she didnt want to talk to me because she was afraid to upset me, but you are thinking it was just because she figured it wouldnt make any difference...i think it would be useful for me to check with her on her motives...

heavenly, did you mean to sound harsh? i am feeling a little tender by the way that was worded, with caps and all. the whole reason i am bringing this up here is to sort my fears from her reality. (not to mention some practical considerations of my own being affected by a school switch.) and i absolutely agree with you, she deserves to be happy at school.

sheesh, i hated school, and a change in 6th grade was the best thing ever for me. AND i am very connected in our current school community, these moms have really stepped in and had my back on more than one occasion. honestly, i need friends like these, and its just not as easy when your kids are at different schools. and i honestly believe that my wellbeing affects hers, so my relationships are affecting her kwim? but the school, ew. i am just so not ok with some things.....so i have to trust that i am gonna make new friends to go for cofee with after drop off, new friends to hug when they are sad, new friends to talk me down when i freak...

it is very validating to hear so many people say honor her request, this isnt something an 8 year old is likely to articulate, and it prolly means something when she does....

[rabrog]

Sunbaby, do a search for a threads with Waldorf in the title of the thread. There's one about "surviving Waldorf" or "life after" or something like that. I'm wondering if you might find some validation in your concerns on that thread.

I think Waldorf is a great idea and can be wonderful for some children but I also think in the elementary years it becomes more child specific and it sounds like your DD has outgrown it and needs something else.

Good for you for listening to your daughter!

Jenn

[philomom]

Waldorf is not for every child. I'd let her go see the rest of the world.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by sunbaby

sheesh, i hated school, and a change in 6th grade was the best thing ever for me. AND i am very connected in our current school community, these moms have really stepped in and had my back on more than one occasion. honestly, i need friends like these, and its just not as easy when your kids are at different schools. and i honestly believe that my wellbeing affects hers, so my relationships are affecting her kwim? but the school, ew. i am just so not ok with some things.....so i have to trust that i am gonna make new friends to go for cofee with after drop off, new friends to hug when they are sad, new friends to talk me down when i freak...

Thing is... this isn't about you. She shouldn't have to be unhappy so that you can keep the same circle of friends. It should be the other way around, if anything.

[WC_hapamama]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Thing is... this isn't about you. She shouldn't have to be unhappy so that you can keep the same circle of friends. It should be the other way around, if anything.

Agreed.