"please send me to a different school...." - Page 2

[sunbaby]

ok, i totally think there is a big ol' misunderstanding happening. i a NOT not not saying i am keeping her at a school where she is unhappy so i can be happy. i am simply sharing the fact that this is a huge difficult change for me. and i think its ok to admit that.

and anyway, i am letting her change, but she wasnt even UNhappy where she was, in fact most everyone who meets her finds her happy confident and outgoing, i think she is just recognizing the fact that maybe she could be even MORE happy somewhere else. obviously, i support her in this and admire her bravery. and i i dont think its wrong or mixed up of me to say the change will be a challenge for me.

i will be separated from friends. and i will have much longer drive, and driving happens to increase some chronic pain i already have. i still hold to my position that what is going on for the mother effects the child, and at some point, there are things that create too much hardship for the family or the parents, that no matter how much it might otherwise benefit the child, it actually ends up negatively impacting her, becuase the family is a UNIT. in our current situation, this new school may work out and i am totally willing to give it a try.

i appreciate the posts that answered my original question, of would you honor this request. its kinda a yes no or maybe answer. and there were a couple offreing ideas for support, and a couple of insightful posts on what this situation may warn me about in terms of challenging dynamics between dd and myself.

i guess i shared some stuff about me hoping for hugs- as in "gee, this is hard for me, but i am going to give it a shot for my kid". personal criticisms (poster after poster pointing out that even though i am scared this is not about me. well, it does effect me though, so it kind of is) arent so helpful at his point, as my friends from the old school are a little hurt and cross about dd leaving, and my two other close friends are in way more traumatic situations right now, and honestly, they need emotional support, but dont currently have any to give.

i can not believe that each of the folks who pointed out what they percieve as wrong in my thinking have never ever been faced with a decision for their child that was made more challenging by the fact that it was going to profoundly effect THEM and their lives, and that they never ever wished to share it and have a friend who understood and didnt critisize.

i am not trying to make enemies here, but i feel a little bowled over by goupthink or internet detachment, or i dont know what, but hey there's a person on this end. and yes, i know my dd's a person too. and i know where she goes to school effects her whole life. thats why i am talking/thinking about this in the first place.

[carmel23]

Sunbaby,
I hear you. It is difficult to leave a school/community for an unknown. Maybe this hasn't all hit your DD yet because she isn't in the new school, and is imagining it all being a rose garden.

You as an adult have a little further vision--for better or worse-- and are considering all the ramifications and feeling the growing pains already. It is tough.

I had to switch my child from a school with a great community to homeschool, since it was not meeting his needs at all. I did lose a lot of friends, because we just didn't see each other, have the same thing to share. I'm being totally honest about my experience, as it sounds like you are.

And you are allowed to mourn that... It isn't a one-dimensional thing as you've pointed out. It might be helpful to explain this to your daughter--not give her a bad time, but just let me know that you will miss the people, but not the school. Perhaps this way she will understand your difficulty, and you can go forward together. If she knows it isn't so easy for you when she is at the new school for a few weeks and everything isn't as want she expected, she will know she can talk to you about it because you aren't *expecting* it to be perfect. It is never a panacea, right?

s again... my oldest son is starting a new school again in the fall, one which I hope really meets his needs, or at least allows him to breath a bit.

And I love the school--but like you, will hate the drive.

[kathymuggle]

I did not say it earlier but I very much believe that the fact that you will have to do extra driving every day is relevant. Personally, I would drive a child of mine about 20-30 minutes (one way) - after that whether or not the child would attend that school would be up for consideration.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by sunbaby

oh linda, one difference though from your interpretation to mine, i am thinking she didnt want to talk to me because she was afraid to upset me, but you are thinking it was just because she figured it wouldnt make any difference...i think it would be useful for me to check with her on her motives...

either way, there was something significant going on for her and she didn't talk to you about it. That's just not good, whatever her exact reason for not talking to you.

The balance between making a safe space for our children to tell us what is going on with them while being honest about how things affect us is difficult. When they were babies, it was all about them. In our society, it is often just about the parents. Finding a way to truly make sure that every one's needs are met and all the members of the family can communicate openly is difficult and we don't have a lot of models for it.

Originally Posted by sunbaby

i am simply sharing the fact that this is a huge difficult change for me. and i think its ok to admit that.

It is OK to admit that. I think that the way you have worded some things made them come across a little differently than you may have really intended.

i will be separated from friends. and i will have much longer drive, and driving happens to increase some chronic pain i already have. i still hold to my position that what is going on for the mother effects the child, and at some point, there are things that create too much hardship for the family or the parents, that no matter how much it might otherwise benefit the child, it actually ends up negatively impacting her, becuase the family is a UNIT. in our current situation, this new school may work out and i am totally willing to give it a try.

look for the positives for your family unit and be open to this ending up being wonderful all around. The more open you are to this being wonderful, the more likely you are to notice the wonderful things -- not just for your DD, but for you.

i can not believe that each of the folks who pointed out what they percieve as wrong in my thinking have never ever been faced with a decision for their child that was made more challenging by the fact that it was going to profoundly effect THEM and their lives,

I went through something similar a few years ago and a wonderful mom looked me in the eyes and said:

We only have a few short years to do these things for a children. Only a few short years. And then they are gone.

It really stuck with me.

You could pivot to being thankful. You have the option of another school. You have the time to drive her back and forth. The two of you managed to communicate with each other even though it was scary for both of you. You and your DD are now having a more honest and open relationship. This could end up being a turning point in your relationship with your DD. This new school could end up being a turning point in her life. You have a lot to be grateful for.

And if you are REALLY friends with someone, you can still meet them for coffee even though your child is at another school. If it was more just a convience than a friendship, then realizing that is very painful.

[zoebird]

i agree with the PPs who assert that it would be best to have her change schools. not every school is right for everyone, you know?

[Mamax3]

I am going through this situation right now too. I am with the camp that says listen to your child. The rest will work out.

Look at it this way, you will get a chance to make new parent friends and maybe even find someone living close enough that you could work out a carpool.

Good luck.

[beanma]

sunbaby, it sounds like the arts magnet could be a good fit. If the friendships you have both formed at the waldorf school are really important to you, you can work at them to keep them alive. I would be honest with your Waldorf friends and let them know that you really hate to leave the community, but this switch is what seems best for your dd and you need to honor that and invite your friends to continue to be part of your life. My dds go to a small private school so I know something of that kind of community, however, our closer friends are not within the community. I am friendly and enjoy the company of all the school friends, but the friend I can really count on is my homeschooling friend and that's the friend that my dds love to play with, too.

It may be that the drive will work out with some carpooling, etc. Good luck in making this move!