2yo public tantrum...did I do this right?

[InMediasRes]

So we went out to find DS (28mo) a new bike today since one of the complex kids pilfered his . When we got to the store, we found some fun stickers and put them in the cart, then started to head back toward the bikes. As soon as we passed the aisle with all the matchbox cars, DS starts whining that he wants a new car. In the past, we've occasionally gotten him a matchbox car at the grocery when we're done, but lately EVERYONE is buying him one for EVERY occasion. I keep telling my mom, DH, and my dad to stop buying him things when they take him out, but they keep saying, "but he was so good in the store" . I think our matchbox cars are starting to reproduce at home, and I would just rather they bought him something other than cars if they MUST buy him something. Seriously, he would love a piece of fruit at the grocery, but no one thinks of that!

All this is just to say that I'm used to fighting about this with him when we go to stores, but we have NEVER had the blow up we had today about it. Today was the back arching, ear piercing screaming that sounds like I'm killing him. I calmly told him that I knew he was mad that mom said "no" about the car, but we came to get a bike not a car, and that if he could not calm down, we would have to leave the store to get calm. I know there's no way he could calm down while we were in the store where the cars were, so we wheeled back to the front. I grabbed the stickers to put them back, and the tantrum started anew. I hurried out to the car so I could put the baby (previously in the sling) in her car seat and handle DS's tantrum, all the while trying to validate/calm him.

The baby is having separation anxiety and was also tired, but she was okay for a few minutes. DS was starting to calm down when she started screaming. I just stood next to the door of the car, holding and rocking DS and trying to smile and make silly faces at DD to cheer her up. DS was not totally calm, but I decided we needed to get home so I could get her to sleep and him in a safe place where we could start over. When I tried to put him in the car seat, he started screaming bloody murder again. At this point, I had had enough and had to get home (a 5-10 minute drive at most) to take care of DD. He calmed on the way home and was talking about reading books and "taking a break". All of this took about 20 min.

We got home and the baby nursed to sleep and DS and I read books for a long time. I was pretty flustered about the whole thing and couldn't believe I actually kept my cool through it. Did I do this right? I've used the same tools for calming him at home, but like I said, this is the first really big blow up we've had when other people are watching, and I left feeling like I had given up on both kids.

It's been a rough time lately. We're moving, DH is starting a new job, and for now we're living with my parents who are overly-indulgent with some of our no-nos (TV, junk food, buying him everything he wants) and also have an amazingly clean and huge house that they don't want to babyproof (because it would mean moving a billion glass knick knacks every time we come over) so he is hearing "no" a lot more these days (mostly from my neat-freak mother). Needless to say, the situation is stressful for everyone.

I guess all the side info was unnecessary, but I'm venting a little. Thanks for reading.

[Limabean1975]

It really, really, REALLY sounds to me like you handled it GREAT.

[ssh]

It sounds like you did really great. Having a snack or a cup with cold water seems to help us with getting in the carseat issues. Public tantrums are so exhausting. There aren't the same calming resources that you have at home.

[amnda527]

It sounds like it went well! My question is how did you handle your screaming toddler while wearing the baby? I have a 25 month old and a almost 3 month old. I have not ventured out in public alone just the three of us yet, because I am afraid I won't be able to physically wrangle my toddler while wearing my baby. I can't imagine having ds in the baby wrap I have, and chasing after dd, bending down to pick her up from the floor with her kicking and screaming. How does this work?

[Honey693]

Originally Posted by Limabean1975

It really, really, REALLY sounds to me like you handled it GREAT.

This. Go you!

[jewelsJZ]

Sounds like you handled it great!

[NicoleCS]

I think you did great...way to go Mama

[sapphire_chan]

Sounds good to me.

Um, for the future, is there a route to the bikes that *doesn't* pass the toy car aisle? Like maybe a roundabout way that goes through something relatively boring like laundry detergent?

If not, any chance he'd be willing to be blindfolded? (I jest)

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Sounds good to me.

Um, for the future, is there a route to the bikes that *doesn't* pass the toy car aisle? Like maybe a roundabout way that goes through something relatively boring like laundry detergent?

If not, any chance he'd be willing to be blindfolded? (I jest)

Too funny. I actually realized that that was my own fault this time around! Next time I will be going a different way.

amnda527 - He was in the cart, so I just stood away from him so he wouldn't kick the baby, but I've had to deal with him when he was running free too. It's those times that I usually just kneel down and try to deal with the tantrum there because I can't really haul him anywhere. I practiced just going for walks first when DD was born, and it really took some creative thinking to talk him into going places with me. And yes, I have picked him up while the baby is in the sling (I'm sure this can't be safe, because I feel terribly unbalanced when I do it) but I only do it when there's no other option. I don't know if I could even do it now because he is 37 lbs and the baby is 18.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I really appreciate the support.

[lnitti]

Originally Posted by amnda527

It sounds like it went well! My question is how did you handle your screaming toddler while wearing the baby? I have a 25 month old and a almost 3 month old. I have not ventured out in public alone just the three of us yet, because I am afraid I won't be able to physically wrangle my toddler while wearing my baby. I can't imagine having ds in the baby wrap I have, and chasing after dd, bending down to pick her up from the floor with her kicking and screaming. How does this work?

I've had to do this many, many times. dd1 was 3 1/2 when dd2 was born, There were many times that I have picked up the 3 or 4 year old while there was a baby in the sling. Things like she threw a temper tantrum because she didn't want to leave somewhere or something, so it's not as though she was willing to walk. I'd carry her horizontally on my hip (all 40 pounds or mid to upper 30's when she was still 3) with her feet out to the back (baby was in carrier in the front) so she couldn't kick the baby.

Even at 5 years old and almost 2, I often have to carry her that way while the 2 year old is straddling my hip on the other side - sometimes while also carrying a duffle bag on the same side that weighs almost as much as one of my kids. The 2 year old is almost 30 pounds, and the 5 year old is just over 40. Now, I've also had times where I had to carry the 5 year old out and let the 2 year old walk.

[_betsy_]

It sounds like you did great. Keeping a calm head is the HARDEST thing to do in the middle of a toddler's tantrum, I've found.

There is a lot going on right now, and it sounds like maybe you need to set some more concrete boundaries with your parents. I'd take it upon myself to babyproof the main areas of the house where your son is playing. I'd expect more tantrums in the future, since there's so much going on and it's hard for him to process.

I'd probably take him back to the store soon, with a reminder of what happened last time - a tantrum means we have to leave the store and he doesn't get anything. I'd also avoid the Matchbox cars aisle like the plague!

[Quinalla]

I think you did great too, but I would definitely avoid the aisle with the cars next time if possible!

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by _betsy_

I'd probably take him back to the store soon, with a reminder of what happened last time - a tantrum means we have to leave the store and he doesn't get anything. I'd also avoid the Matchbox cars aisle like the plague!

We went back today and he TOLD me he was going to throw a tantrum when we got out of the car. I said, "Ok, let's hear it." He did some fake screaming and then said "All done. Get a bike?"

Much more successful this time around. He even asked abut the cars without a meltdown. Who knows what happened last time.

[nathansmum]

I think you did great. What I found useful too when I figured out things that would make our outings difficult was to "prep" DS in the car on the way to the mall or wherever. So I'd run through what we were doing and how it would best work so we all worked together. Of course, first time something happens you don't expect it, 2nd time you realise that there is a pattern and then that's when I used to have the discussion about it. Even just trying to get things done if we were running a bunch of errands - I'd list out what we were going to do, then ask ds what he'd like to do (play in the playground or look in the movie theatre or whatever was of interest) and then figure out the order that it would happen - his thing first or my stuff first. Made outings a lot easier.

If the car issue does come up again you could actually say that if he wants to just check them out and look at them that is cool, but make it clear there is no expectation that you will be buying one - that way you are honouring his need to "window shop" but also having it run smoother. If he's not willing to just look at them, ask if he'd prefer to miss that aisle out (at some point he's going to realise that you're avoiding the aisle so may not work to always just avoid and easier to actively engage him in the decision making).

[_betsy_]

I've found it helpful to remember that acropnym HALT - Hungry? Angry? lonely? Tired/Thirsty? It reminds me that being angry or lonely (or felling like she's not been heard) is just as strong an inducer of tantrums as being hungry or tired.