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50/50 custody fight, please help! - Page 2

post #21 of 25
I started splitting 50/50 with my ex when my son was around ten months. I know lots of women wouldn't do it at that age but my son adjusted beautifully. I was so pissed about it and watching closely for behavioral changes, sleep issues, ect, so I could tell my ex "no more," but there just weren't. He did great, still does great and he and his dad have an awesome relationship. My ex had to learn very quickly how to adapt to parenting and did a fantastic job. I don't agree with everything he does (and vice versa) but we communicate and try to stay on the same page and respect the fact that the other is a very, very capable parent. I see my son everyday and I'm fairly sure my son gets more time with dad than even some married couples. We also spend time together as a family. My ex is an excellent father but I didn't see that until I took a step back and let him be. My point is not that 50/50 is right or wrong for you, but...ease up on the dad a little bit. Give him some space to be a parent. Let him learn, just the way you did. If he wants that time with his son, give it to him. Let him have a few weekends and see how your son adjusts. A fantaaaastic super crunchy pediatrician in my town gave me some great advice once. I asked her, in tears, if my son waspob too young for a sleepover. She told me to let the baby dictate the schedule. Watch him. See how he adapts.

Trust me, I know the fear and frustration. Your son DOES have another parent and I know you've been doing the driving, but if he wants more time, he had a right to it.
post #22 of 25
Mommyjude, who do you think you are to be saying things like that? This is over 4 years old to begin with. Another thing is every man that produces sperm to create a child is not "earning" the right to be a father. Being a father is helping raise that child and being there for them. Which she said he decided he didn't want to do. I see NOTHING wrong with how the OP reacted or how she treated him. She's being much more nice than I am in almost this exact situation. Except in my case the "father" has done NOTHING for my son. I raise him, I pay for his needs, I kiss his boo boos. Do you see my point here? Just because a man helps create doeant mean that he has "rights" to screw up a system that worked for the child. After being a child In a situation like this, also, I know how much it can mentally affect a child. They constantly wonder why their "Daddy" doesn't thing they're important or why they say they will do something and blow them off. So in all reality YOU should be ashamed of how you bashed a fantastic mother who has her son's best interests at heart, when the "father" so obviously doesn't.

On a side note, there's nothing wrong with the REAL father figure in the son's life being called "Daddy". Its what he's "earned" from being there and taking care of the child.
post #23 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoabirdie View Post

My ex had to learn very quickly how to adapt to parenting and did a fantastic job. I don't agree with everything he does (and vice versa) but we communicate and try to stay on the same page and respect the fact that the other is a very, very capable parent. I see my son everyday and I'm fairly sure my son gets more time with dad than even some married couples. We also spend time together as a family. My ex is an excellent father but I didn't see that until I took a step back and let him be.

 

That's wonderful. A lot of men, particularly men who disappear and then decide they want back in, aren't so capable as parents. And unfortunately there's no artificial test kid for them to learn on. When that happens, the one who gets hurt - badly, sometimes permanently - is the kid. Collateral damage: the single mother who's already got everything precariously balanced and now has to help her child recover from damage inflicted by a father who is, as it turns out, just playing at parenting, or who's flat-out irresponsible with the child. More collateral damage: the child who now has a bad father and a mother who's even more stressed and overloaded because she has to run interference, protecting the child from the father as far as she can.

Usually we know when a guy is responsible and solid and when he's not. Don't assume that a mom who's trying to protect the child from the father is just protecting turf and a sense of ownership or ego or some such. A lot of guys just. are. not. good. fathers.

post #24 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by mama41 View Post

That's wonderful. A lot of men, particularly men who disappear and then decide they want back in, aren't so capable as parents. And unfortunately there's no artificial test kid for them to learn on. When that happens, the one who gets hurt - badly, sometimes permanently - is the kid. Collateral damage: the single mother who's already got everything precariously balanced and now has to help her child recover from damage inflicted by a father who is, as it turns out, just playing at parenting, or who's flat-out irresponsible with the child. More collateral damage: the child who now has a bad father and a mother who's even more stressed and overloaded because she has to run interference, protecting the child from the father as far as she can.

Usually we know when a guy is responsible and solid and when he's not. Don't assume that a mom who's trying to protect the child from the father is just protecting turf and a sense of ownership or ego or some such. A lot of guys just. are. not. good. fathers.

I totally agree with you and that's a great point. My eldest didnt meet her father until she was five, so I have definitely been on that side of the coin. In fact, I moved away to protect her until her dad became a better dad who could be trusted. I certainly won't argue that usually we know when a dad is or isn't solid.

I didn't feel like that was the issue with OP. I kind of felt more like she was scared of a 50/50 split with a dad who already was parenting his son and wanted more. Of course I don't know the whole story, I can only go by what was posted. I totally related to being terrified of splitting 50/50, especially since my ex had only taken my son for a few hours at a time. My situation was very similar to the OPs, and that's what I was relating to. And, like I said, I feel like I recieved good advice from the pedi who told me to really pay attention to the child and let him dictate the schedule. So that's where I was coming from. If she is truly fearful that her son would be in harms way or seriously neglected in dads hands, of course I can understand that. It seemed in this case, mom was fearful of being away from her son/not being able to homewchool/not being able to travel.
post #25 of 25

MommyJude, your post has been removed. Personal attacks are not permitted. Please post in a respectful manner to voice any disagreeing opinion you may hold about a topic and make it a discussion of the topic, not the individual.

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