Could use some support.. forced vaccinations

[keljo05]

When our son was born I had done a lot to inform my husband of the risks with vaccines. Our son was given 3 hepatitis shots but then we stopped and my husband was adamant that our son would never be vaccinated again.

Our son is now 2.5 and I've had a horrible evening of my husband calling me from his job about DS's non-vaccines.

DH's sister has 2 daughters. a 5 year old and an 8 month old. a month ago we were at IL's house and the 8 month old was running a fever and not feeling well. Turns out she had double pink eye along with ear infections. I was concerned as DS had a slight runny nose that week, but was otherwise fine and I thought no more on it. My IL's or SIL watch our son on Wednesdays as my husband prefers anything free. Apparently the 8month old came down with pink eye again and both girls have 104 degree fevers. THEY ARE ALL BLAMING DS! He's not been sick AT ALL. My IL"s house has cat and dog pee all over the living room carpet no matter how often its shampoo'd. SIL has a cat and a dog, 5 year old is involved in all number of activities, SIL is a nurse, BIL works in a/c and heating in the city.. so exposure to all kins of germs... but its MY son who was at their house for maybe an hour or so on FRIDAY that is causing them to be so sick. I've been told he can't go near them until they figure out 'whats going on'.

DH has informed me that he will take DS for vaccines if I won't, and if DS has to go thru this I will control what I can about it all. I'm so upset on so many levels right now.

Upset that they are all blaming a healthy child
Upset that they are blaming him when that one house is disgusting with pee and poo from animals
Upset that once again my husband takes their side when they utter one word of protest.

I've been crying off and on for the last hour or so and have no one else to turn to at the moment that understands why I'm so upset. My boss will be a comfort but I can't reach her till after 8 or 9 and she'll help me brainstorm how to keep his immune system strong... but I just needed to spill this out somewhere where my feelings would be understood.

[xmasbaby7]

You certainly have my cyber hand squeeze for what sounds like a monstrous situation. I am so sorry.

Not to be an arm-chair therapist, but it does sound like a lot more is going on than the vaccines here, and it would be a shame for you all to make such important decisions for your son when tension is so high.

Your DH sounds like he is just trying to placate his sis/brother as his knee jerk reaction. Get him on your side by trying to explore how that phone call with his sister made him feel. Make the victim here him, not you.

Easier said than done BUT if you could calmly say to him, "I appreciate that it was really upsetting having your sister criticize us like that, but let's wait and make our vaccine decision by ourselves from a place of informed consent after this blows over."

[keljo05]

oh you're absolutely right. There are numerous issues going on and this is just one of many. This marriage is most likely not going to last much longer. I've been screamed at for 2 days over a different situation where I'm being told my judgement in keeping our son safe was incorrect. Long story that no one save DH understands. Everyone else says I did the right thing. Plus DH will always side with his family over me. he lies to me, betrays me, accuses me, makes paranoid statements... its a heck of a marriage. No matter what I say at this point his mind is made up. His family says jump and he says how high and you are all so correct. his parents are also apparently up in arms over everthing as well now. Funny.. this could be the reason I never discussed this with them.. gee I wonder why.

thanks for the hand squeeze, nice to know people out there understand.

[chaoticzenmom]

Does he not realize how crazy this is? Can you offer to have him tell everyone that your son is vaccinated, but not actually vaccinate? It's sad that he's that impressionable, but whatever you have to do.

I'd really consider marraige counseling if my husband was that easily swayed by outside influences on our private life decisions. I'm angry for you.

Ask him how pink eye could be prevented by vaccines and how he can possibly give it to the other child without even having it? And if she's vaccinated and it works so well against anything and everything, why is your neice always sick and your child healthy? The only think I can think of is prevnar, possibly preventing certain kinds of pink eye...not sure. But surely, his neice has had prevnar if they're that pro-vaccine. Also, read up on serotype replacement and prevnar.

Sway him back your way and then offer to lie to his family on the subject.

The proof is staring at you in the face about how much better your son's immune system is.

So, yeah, sympathise with him, but don't agree to vaccinate before attending marriage counseling. If he's serious about vaxing, he'll should be willing to go to marraige counseling for it, no?

[keljo05]

Can you offer to have him tell everyone that your son is vaccinated, but not actually vaccinate?

Thats what I said but he's already apparently told them that we don't vaccinate. Which does not surprise me as he tells them any and everything about our lives as is.

I'd really consider marraige counseling if my husband was that easily swayed by outside influences on our private life decisions.

I've asked for counseling more times then I can count. He refuses for one reason.... he doesn't want to pay the copay.

Ask him how pink eye could be prevented by vaccines and how he can possibly give it to the other child without even having it? And if she's vaccinated and it works so well against anything and everything, why is your neice always sick and your child healthy?

exactly!

I will be printing and taking a rather large stack of papers to my IL's house tomorrow as I've based my decision on research rather then propaganda!

[xmasbaby7]

I didn't want to read too much into your first post, but I was thinking it sounded like your husband was really emotionally volatile and irrational.

Choosing not to vaccinate, for me, is such an issue that I would really think through whatever I had to do to keep my DH from "acting up". If you feel like you have made a decision to divorce at some point, you may want to gently lie that you are going to start the schedule and begin it soon to placate him and his family, and hopefully they will drop it.

My SIL divorced a jerky, controlling guy who was adamant AGAINST vaxes and would not let her vaccinate. After their very contentious divorce, she ran to get her 3 kids vaccinated once she had custody to do so as a F&*$ YOU to her ex. Not the brightest move, IMO, but a perfect example how the vaccine issue in marriages exposes its weaknesses around issues of control.

Again, so sorry for your situation.

[chaoticzenmom]

I'm thinking that it'll be a mistake to try to prove your point to the inlaws. Don't invite them where they don't belong...even if your husband has already done that.

[SunshineJ]

You know, I wouldn't even argue this one. I'd simply tell them that I was more than willing to give DS the vaccination for pink eye to avoid this situation in the future, as soon as they found a dr willing to administer it. I'd especially be nice and accomodating about it - simply because pink eye is a cold that manifests in the eye and there is no vaccine that can prevent it! I'd also take ds to the dr immediately and have them basically certify that he could not have passed this to the other child since he doesn't have it. What a bunch of silliness! (Ok, not what I was really thinking, but you get the idea.) I'd also fight tooth and nail on this one and lie, leave or whatever I needed to to protect my child. This sounds like it can only get more unpleasant. I'm sorry! ((Hugs!))

[yarngoddess]

I'm so sorry you are in this kind of a marriage, have these kinds of IL's, and are being asked to put your child in danger over what the IL's think is "appropriate" and "right"

Now- I'm all for defending your decision, BUT your DH isn't backing your position. He's not going to be there to defend you and support you- and therefore you will be "wrong" no matter what. I hope you know that you are "walking into the lion's den" so to speak
I wish there was an aswer here- but I'm not sure there is. I do want to say that his screaming AT you is abusive, and I wouldn't tollerate that. I would make the appt with the counselor and tell him you expect him there. If he's not you will have proof that he's made no attempt at saving your marriage.
I would also call your doctor and tell them that you and your hubby are having marital problems and that you are AGAINST DS being vaccinated- and you want them to know where you stand on the fact.

[ema-adama]

Oh mama,

Lots of good advice here already. I just could not read and not give you a hug.

[Scattershoot]

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

I'm thinking that it'll be a mistake to try to prove your point to the inlaws. Don't invite them where they don't belong...even if your husband has already done that.

I 2nd this. If they reacted the way they did to their own children getting sick, then this is a no win situation trying to convince them of anything. The nurse already knows your child is deadly poison regardless of your child's health. Seriously, people who are this far gone are a waste of time when it comes to rational discussion.

[Marnica]

I've asked for counseling more times then I can count. He refuses for one reason.... he doesn't want to pay the copay.

Right there. says it all. Your husband is putting a 15 dollar copay above his own marriage. Sounds like you have some huge choices to make and I do not envy you. I'm so sorry and am sending :

I would protect my child no matter what. The whole vaccine/divorce thing scares me too

[Evergreen]

I see two things in your post that really stand out. First of all, your ILs seem to be the paranoid ones. If your SIL is a nurse I would really hope she would know what causes pink-eye. It's just an eye infection- can be bacterial, viral, whatever but as a previous poster said there is no pink-eye vaccine. I would write them a letter expressing the fact that you feel badly their children are sick but your ds can not be blamed for this nor can his vaccine status as 1) your son does not have pink-eye or a fever and 2) ther is no vaccine that could have prevented it anyway. Perhaps you can find out if they are uncomfortable being around an unvaccinated child. If so that is their problem and it is incumbent upon them to avoid you or keep their children away not the other way around. Because I am a bitch when it comes to the inlaws I might even throw in a snippy comment along the lines of, "I have decided that until your children are well I do not feel comfortable with DS being around them. He has been so healthy I'd hate for him to catch whatever the girls have. I hope you understand." but I wouldn't wish my horrible relationship with my inlaws upon anyone.

Secondly, your dh must have a lot of trouble standing up to his family. Your later posts let one know that there is more to the situation but if you are feeling brutalized by them he is also probably getting the brunt of it and that can be a frustrating situation. You can't make a monumental descision like this on the basis of a silly family feud. Right now the two of you as parents need to present a united front even if the concensus is only, " DS will remain unvaccinated until dh has continued his research and convinced dw that XXX and X vaccines are safe and effective. Until then ds's vax status is off limits to anyone else but our imediate family."

I hope this all works out. I think the situation has manifested itself to show a bigger issue than the chasm between your vaccine views and your husband's. This goes beyone vaccines as you know and it is evident it is time to overhaul your relationship whether that be working to save it (dh must be on board) or rethinking it all together.

[sasshell]

If your nurse IL feels so strongly that vaccines work so well (though there isn't a vaccine for pink eye) and her children are fully vaccinated, they should obviously be impervious to anything your unvaccinated son might have, right?

This isn't a subject you should approach with logic. I'm not sure there is any way to get through to these people. I would do what I could to stay away from them. Good luck.

[shanniesue2]

I fail to see how pink-eye and vaccines have anything to do with each other???

Other than that, it does sound like you're in a tough position with your husband. So sending hugs for strength and encouragement your way.

[newmum35]

Is it a possibility to patch things up with DH (or at least pretend to for a while) and then move far, far away from the inlaws!! He needs to cut those apron strings! Sheesh!

[Ophelia]

I'm sorry Unfortunately, I can understand where you are coming from. I WAS forced/bullied/harrassed into giving DS most vaccines through 12 months. Guess what, it's one of the main reasons we have a lot of issues now (although it seems we fight over just about every health related issue) and we were in counseling for 2+ years, and still would be if our therapist hadn't moved out of state!

It is an awful, awful place to be in and I know you worry about things happening if you are not there

((((HUGS))))

I think the only thing that really helped DH see that DS was not going to die if he didn't get every single shot was the Dr. Jay Gordon Vaccination video. See if you can get your DH to watch it.

[angie7]

I think you have bigger issues in your relationship if your husband jumps on his families irrational bandwagon and is willing to jeopordize his relationship with you and the health of his child. Over my dead body will anyone "force" me to vax my child. Take your son and get out of there. You are his mother, he is a baby that can not defend himself, it's up to you to protect him from harm. His father is doing him harm.

[euro]

Originally Posted by keljo05

I've asked for counseling more times then I can count. He refuses for one reason.... he doesn't want to pay the copay.

There are some churches that offer free marital counseling. You may want to try that so you and your husband can have an honest talk with a mediator. Once he calms down, you can bring up the subject of being together as a team in what is best for your son health-wise. Your situation should make him be on your side instead of with people outside your marriage.

I also agree with previous posters about not bringing your son to their place if / when they're sick and talking to your husband about vaccinations when he calms down.

[Minarai]

Unfortunately, this is the manifestation of the oldest scare tactic in the book the vaccine industry has pulled on the masses. And your DH has fallen for it hook, line and sinker.
And sadly, the law is on his side. Even if you do decide to get a divorce, a judge will undoubtedly give custody of your DS to your ex. People, especially those in high-up positions, look down upon us vaccine-opposed folks as "crazy" and "irresponsible."
for you.