teen's substance abuse

[phoebesmom]

Is there anyone out there who has struggled with a teenager's substance abuse problem and can offer advice or hope for us? It has been difficult for me to find people to talk with who have had or are having similar problems.

[sohj]

I haven't recently struggled with this, but when I was a teen I knew several people with substance abuse problems. (I was one of those wierdos who had several "druggy" friends without being a "druggy". I put that word in quotes because lots of people got labeled in high school based on what clothes they wore and what music they listened to. Many, but not all, of them were substance abusers.) One friend, who is still alive, never got over it. She is still a friend, but I have some serious boundaries laid out with her.

I know several people who HAVE come out of drug addiction and are happy and healthy. I am not entirely sure that the drug addiction of a teen and of an adult are all that different. The mental "line" that separates the two varies a lot from person to person.

Several people I know think that NA (Narcotics Anonomous) was the best thing for them. There are meetings all over.

The main thing I know from my experience is that those around the addict have to be strong and the person with the problem has to want to stop in order for the addiction to really stop. Extreme interventions (kidnapping, etc.) never work for good unless the addict wants to stop already.

Hth.



edited to add: Feel free to pm me if you don't want to post stuff. I spend time in VT and wouldn't mind chatting if you like.

edited again on Tuesday to add: I hope my tone here isn't too superficial. I don't know quite what details you would want to know about and don't know how much to put in this post. I know you are probably going through a very difficult time and you are worrying a great deal. Please drop me a line.

[phoebesmom]

Thanks so much for writing. I appreciate any info people can offer. I guess I mostly want to not feel like I'm the only one going through this.
One thing is, I don't know exactly what my son is doing. I do know that he is doing something ( or several things) that are very unhealthy, that he has missed out on important opportunities for growth during a critical period, and that he is not in any way fulfilling the great potential he has.
It is sad and scary for the rest of his family.

[sohj]

Nuts and bolts

What are the symptoms?

[phoebesmom]

Hi sohj -- I feel that this is not really the way I want to talk about this and/or not what I am looking for. What I was hoping was that people who were having similiar experiences would be willing to share and offer support. I'm guessing that because only one person has responded that there are not many others using this forum who are in the same boat or it's just not something most people want to discuss. Please don't feel offended, but I think that describing symptoms in a forum such as this is not going to be helpful for me.
By the way, what is it you are working on for the subway? How many kids do you have and what are their ages?

[calgal007]

phoebesmom: Been there, done that. My 22 year old was into drugs as a teen. Got the (failed) rehab attempt to prove it.

It's a very big topic to cover. I have to go pick up ds #2 from school right now, but if you're interested in hearing from a mom who's been there, I'll post back later. -- Calgal

[phoebesmom]

Hi Calgal: It is a very big topic. I would like very much to hear from you -- and what some of your experiences have been.
Thanks,
Phoebesmom

[sohj]

phoebesmom: I completely understand. Your reply makes things clearer. Although I have been intimately involved in the results of two friends' substance abuse problems, it cannot compare the the heart-wrenching position of being the parent. When I found your thread, I was a little surprised that there had been no replies and posted, even though my experience wasn't strictly relevant, partly to keep your thread from slipping farther down the forum. It is an important question. I was hoping that people would be jumping all over me for my perceptions and help you out.

I think calgal007 will be far more help than I. As my son is not even yet two, this exact topic is only a distant and hypothetical fear for me.

In answer to your other question: I'm figuring out how "blocky" the rock along the tunnel alignment is. I use the measurements that the geologists on the team get of the fault lines (not earthquake-causing ones, just between rock types) and natural joints in the rock to try and determine how likely it is that a rock mass could be destabilized during construction. This is a safety issue and will also be one of the pieces of information that the bidding contractors will look at when deciding what kind of tunnel boring machine to use. I'm also doing some other miscellaneous things as something comes up in my area(s) of expertise.

[mamawanabe]

I'm probably not what you are looking for either, but thought I'd pop in to share my h.s. substance abuse experiences.

Maybe drugs were harder to get in the 80s (excpet alcohol), but of the people I know who messed around with drugs and alchohol, no one really got into trouble addiction-wise until after h.s. (where several people I know, including my best friend, did stunt their lives). We drank A LOT and did lots of dangerous things that make me cringe now, but it was mostly social and on weekends. I don't feel it interferred with my growth or potential.

Some parents (my boyfriends') and put thier kids in rehab or sent them to expensive rehab ranches in Montana. That didn't seem to work so well (my boyfriend used hard durgs for the first time in rehab). I agree that the person has to be committed to stopping the use. "Tough love" was also tried on my boyfreind, and he still hasn't forgiven his mom for it.

So in terms of hope for your child, know that 90% of my friends came through it fine, and the ones who didn't got in real trouble addiction-wise after high school.

I know it must be heart-wenching to watch. I am so sorry.

[phoebesmom]

I appreciate everyone's thoughts. I thought I'd mention a few things -- when my son was little I never dreamed this would be happening -- he was such a darling little boy. There are a few things I think I've learned from what I've been through, things I would have liked to do differently. One is to start talking about drugs sooner. I just assumed this would never be a problem, so I never approached the subject with him -- I think I was a little afraid to talk about it. Also, I would be more careful about knowing where my son is and who he is with at all times. I "trusted" him a little too much at too early an age.
I don't want to be too hard on myself, though. Some people are more disposed to these problems than others. I have another son a bit younger who is very much against drug use. I'm sure this has a bit to do with seeing the problems his brother has had. Also, I really think I was doing the best I could at the time. It is so easy to blame parents for these things.

[Ruth]

I have been looking for a thread on this GREAT board to refer my sister to. She is having trouble with her almost 16-year-old and I think (but I don't know) that he may be starting to substance abuse. I love him so, I truly hope he isn't heading that direction.

I'll send this to my sister and maybe she will join the discussion. My baby is just 5, but I am preparing for her teenage years NOW. One great book that I read is from Mothering's own editor, Peggy. It is called Teens, A Fresh Approach, or something like that.

[lunette]

reply to phoebesmom

phoebesmom,

I am going thru this. I think. I mean, I don't know. I don't know alot of things. My son, like yours, was a great little boy. I never expected this. Actually, only 6 months ago, I never dreamed this would happen. He is 16. I really don't know what exactly he is into. I don't know if I am just overreacting. 6 months is a long time to be without my baby. Because that is how it feels---like they aren't really there anymore.

[jamminmommy]

mamas, I have experience with this also with my 17yo.

this is a tough situation. I thought if I just AP'd and hs-ed and ate enough organic foods that we would be spared any teenaged excitement. wrong.

there are lots of ways to handle substance abuse but it depends on the circumstances. I am not an expert but over the last two years I have sure learned a lot.

the options range from group therapy to private therapy to NA/AA to a stay at a treatment center, either inpatient or outpatient. Any of the options can work depending on the motivation of the teen. Parents must play a huge role in treatment and pretty much dedicate themselves to getting the kid sober. Family counseling is always recommended as a support. It is an important part of the recovery process. Insurance helps to meet some of the costs and there are also programs funded by gov't agencies that are low cost or free, and can be a great help.

in our case we ended up having to do a long term residential treatment center, but we had a pretty extreme situation.

[phoebesmom]

Hello Lunette,
I know just what you mean about your child not really being there -- not being the same wonderful person you know. That sounds very familiar.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to when I first felt that way and do things differently, although I don't know if anything I could have done would have meant a different outcome.
A few ideas I have for you: look at the book on teens by Peggy (recommended above) and another book called 'Teens in Turmoil' by Carol Maxym and Leslie York. I bought this book a few years ago but didn't feel I could follow it at the time. It seemed a little extreme to me, but it worked wonders for a mom I know whose daughter was having some pretty serious problems.
I too felt that maybe I would have been overreacting, but this may be one of the tricks denial plays on us.
Another idea: tell your son that because you love him and notice he is not himself that you need to keep much closer tabs on him. Let him know you need to know exactly where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing. Don't be afraid to say No sometimes.
I hope some of this helps -- Take care of yourself.
Phoebesmom

[Ruth]

jamminmommy,

Love your signature. I am going to copy it.

[calgal007]

Phoebe'sMom: Sorry it took so long for me to post back here. My ds began smoking pot in grade seven. He has been a daily pot smoker since then. He doesn't drink all that much, but his pot use impedes his life in a lot of ways that he doesn't want to see.

That's what's so frustrating. He doesn't want to see that his pot use leaves him unmotivated, forgetful, impulsive, and other troubling, immature character traits.

I read somewhere that whatever amount of time a person spends being high, that their emotional development is nonexistant. Since ds has spent at least 4 hours a day stoned, he's pretty immature.

I hate that he doesn't want to see the job opportunities that are not open to him, the money he's wasted on weed, the stupid impulsive actions he's taken, his entire slacker attitude.

If I had it to do over again, I would have been in his face from the minute I found out he was smoking pot. Instead, I figured it was a phase, that lots of us did the same in high school and didn't become habitual pot smokers, etc.

[lilyka]

Sorry mamas, I don't have anything to offer, I just read in this forum to get a jump start on the teen years.

I just wanted to give all of the mamas struggeling with this a and let you know I will be praying for your kids.

[lunette]

We definately can use prayers--thank you!

phoebesmom, thanks for alerting me of being in denial. You know, I always felt I was "in his face" too much. I felt bad about it but I am glad I was, imagine how much worse it would be if I wasn't. This has been 6 months of horrible sleepless nights. It is way better this month than last but I still feel like I can't let my guard down. But I am confused about whether I am being too pushy. He will say stuff to me like "Don't say I am on drugs, I don't appreciate being accused of being on drugs" like if I am just making it all up. Sometimes makes me feel like maybe I am, when I know I am not. Really hard to deal with this. How do I tell him he has to go with me everytime I leave the house and not stay home alone because I don't trust what he will do and say it without hurting his feelings. It seems that right when he is doing good, I feel like I ruin it for him when I remind him of why I can't trust him. Kind of like putting salt on a healing wound. But If I don't tell him then I come back and he's gone or he has all his friends over at the house smoking or whatever. FRUSTRATING!!!! How do I deal with this!!

anyway, my lunch time is over. Thanks for listening.

[BrooklynDoula]

I was pretty crazy in high school and someone should have been more in my face, truthfully. Although I only got high (about 10 times a day, though) and did some other more mild drugs, several close friends got into coke, crystal meth, and heroin - all of which ae serious bad news. But, I had a lot of information about these drugs and knew that I would get in over my head. So, my advice - talk to your kids about drugs, buy them books, and educate them. Don't freak out about small things, although let them know that you know what they are up to, and try to get them talking to you. It is serious because we did some crazy, dangerous things that could have gotten us killed (driving on the freeway on acid, going to the hood to get drugs with some scary guys, walking around at night alone in the woods tripping, etc.) I must have an angel or something!

Try not to hate them for it or get too mad, it will drive them away - instead, try to get them talking and don't react - then they will talk more. AND if you did drugs ever - TELL THEM ABOUT IT, share with them, let thm know your experiences!

Good luck.

(PS. I agree that treatment centers are often just a good source of drugs and new friends to do thm with - they are a last resort for a child who is already so strung out that it can't get much worse.)

[calgal007]

Although I only got high (about 10 times a day, though)

Megandavidson: Did we go to high school together???:LOL :LOL

Sorry. I'm not having a laugh at the expense of anyone here, it's just that the reason I dismissed my own teen's drug use was because I did get high all the time during high school and college, but I "grew up" and managed to get past the giggly stupid high stuff. I kept thinking ds would as well.