Why hope things would be different with another baby?

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:53am

[justthinkn]

"What would having a full supply mean for me --- would it somehow magically fix the past? Would it repair all the damage that has been done? How is it remotely justifiable to give another child this precious-only-a-mother-can-give-gift that my first was completely denied?"

You sound so sad and angry and hurt, and I totally get that No, it would not fix the past at all. I think the past is something you just have to come to terms with - process, grieve through... You and your first missed something precious, and it sounds like you're still grieving that.

I guess I would ask, though, how NOT nursing the next one could fix anything, either. I think what would be the same, what would be equal and fair to each child, is that you could say to each, I did the best I could to nurse you, with the information and support I had. You're not responsible for the outcome beyond that, mama.

It's very hard to think about trying to nurse again when you're still grieving a nursing relationship that didn't work out the way you expected. Peace as you process...

[artgoddess]

I'm sorry you had so much difficulty with nursing. And I agree with the previous poster, nursing a second or third child successfully will not magically "fix" the past. Each parent child relationship is unique as each person is unique. For many women it feels great to have a second attempt work out with a better outcome.

I did not have a natural childbirth with my first. I did my best, I couldn't hack the pain, I got an epidural. I know that I lasted as long as I possibly could have and I feel okay with that. But for my second labor I made sure to hire a doula and I made sure to have a HCP who was a comforting and supportive presence. I stacked the deck with what I had learned didn't work for me the first time around and I had a natural childbirth the second time around. I would not have known what was important to my personal success (I hate that word success, because it implies failure as an option and that is not the case here) with having a natural birth.

[mama k nj]

Originally Posted by artgoddess

Each parent child relationship is unique as each person is unique.

So true! And honestly so many moms wean from the breast to the bottle before a year old. So it's not uncommon at all for someone to be nursing a newborn while bottlefeeding a toddler at the same time. I'd venture to say that's a pretty common senario in our culture.

I agree that it sounds like you are still feeling a lot of guilt over how things went last time. And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say "give yourself a break" I assume that you did the very best you could at the time. And the fact that you care so much about it means tells me that you really just want the very best for all of your children. Trying again has very little to do with what you "denied" your first, but rather how do you want to parent your next child with a little more knowledge and experience under you belt. I know that I will be a very different parent all around for baby 2. It just is.

I know that many moms find it to be healing for THEM to have a better experience with breastfeeding or childbirth or whatever they feel they "failed at" the first time. They can have a better idea of what to expect and how to be proactive about preventing potential problems. When we know better we do better, right?

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:59am

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I guess this is what I don't understand. How is it healing? What is healing about it? I just don't understand --- because it doesn't change anything that's happened, it doesn't fix or erase the past. It doesn't do anything for the relationship and lost moments with the older child. I mean, to me it just really looks like another way to shine a light on failures, not a way to heal.

Maybe I'm just being too literal, but I hope breastfeeding will go better next time not because it will somehow be healing but because it's the best way to feed a baby and why wouldn't I try to do the best for my kid – even if I wasn't in a position, for whatever reason, to give her brother 100% BM despite my best efforts.
The issue here, I think, is self blame. You tried your best to breastfeed your first baby. Despite your best efforts, it didn't work out. Not breastfeeding your second will do nothing to help your first child while depriving your new baby of something you clearly think is pretty special.
We all do the best we can at the time.
It's not your fault this happened to you.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way If this is a major preoccupation and source of sadness for you all the time – and not just when you feel moved to post a thread – I'd consider whether seeking some help might be a good idea.
Midwives are often good sources of referrals for natural living friendly therapists.
Good luck, mama.

[noeonend]

Originally Posted by GoestoShow

I guess this is what I don't understand. How is it healing? What is healing about it? I just don't understand --- because it doesn't change anything that's happened, it doesn't fix or erase the past. It doesn't do anything for the relationship and lost moments with the older child. I mean, to me it just really looks like another way to shine a light on failures, not a way to heal.

I'll be honest, there is no way to fix the past. With my first, I had an epidural, vacuum, pit birth and major nursing issues. It is a regret that I live with every day, and will live with the rest of my life. I feel like I need to get K a shirt that says something like "I was the lousy hospital birth that made my mom learn enough to have my sister at home...." It's a fact of life. Our firstborns are the ones we learn on and make the big mistakes with. With our culture, the grand majority of us don't have the background that we need to make birth and nursing what we want it to be the first time around, and unfortunately many of us will end up with regrets. The thing that has been redeeming for me has been to not just be ok with it and to learn from it. After my experience with Kyla, I spent a year researching what had happened and had a fantastic homebirth and start to nursing with Erin. I want to do the best I can for my little ones, and I did that both times around with what I knew. The guilt is still there, but it is healing for me to know that I am doing better b/c I know better and it is slowly changing from guilt to a sadness of what she missed. The battle I have gone through just to feed my little ones has also changed who I am, and has helped me help other moms that don't have the support I have found. That's how it has been healing to me.

I will admit though, after E was born, I had a large oversupply for the first couple months, and put most of what I pumped in K's sippys. We call it special milk, and it makes my heart sing when she tells me how good it is. It kind of makes me feel like I am making up my mistakes to her in some small way. Hugs mama, if you need someone to talk to about it, please feel free to pm me.

[marge234]

Originally Posted by Megan73

Not breastfeeding your second will do nothing to help your first child while depriving your new baby of something you clearly think is pretty special. We all do the best we can at the time.
It's not your fault this happened to you.
If this is a major preoccupation and source of sadness for you all the time – and not just when you feel moved to post a thread – I'd consider whether seeking some help might be a good idea.
Midwives are often good sources of referrals for natural living friendly therapists.
Good luck, mama.

Megan73 says it better than I could. I think you sound depressed and might benefit from some help. Please take care of yourself.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/7/10 at 6:59am