I can't do this anymore.

[Jess's Mom]

I had a good morning yesterday and then the evening went to hell and this morning just started crazy. Now, here I am in tears again wondering if it is worth it for me to try to fight off the thoughts that are in my head about not wanting to be here anymore. My kids are pushing me so freking hard, it doesn't matter what it is, they will not do what I ask or they will just do what they know they are not suppose to do. It is like my 5yr old likes to see me cry and that means I have raised a monster and it is my fault. I had to make her that way. I shouldn't have had kids, I should not be here. I don't think I can do this anymore. I can't take it.

[Samm]

Hugs momma

You have a lot on your plate and those thoughts are so not true. Try to remember what it felt like to be in a good place yesterday morning.

It is worth it to fight off those feelings . . . you are worth it and so are those kids of yours.

Here are a couple of hotline numbers to help yourself get the help you need to get through this.

800-999-9999

800-784-2433 - even provides referrals to local resources

Samm

[CrunchyChristianMama]

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much mama. Are these feelings new? If not, have you gotten help for them in the past?

We are in the same state, I'm in the KC area. If you need someone to chat with please PM me.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

Originally Posted by Jess's Mom

Now, here I am in tears again wondering if it is worth it for me to try to fight off the thoughts that are in my head about not wanting to be here anymore.

If you are thinking of seriously ending your life, you need to go to the ER or have someone take you.

[Jess's Mom]

I tried one of the hotlines and I couldn't understand the person that I got on the line. I called my husband to try to calm me down and he tells me the same thing he does all the time, kids are kids they have moments and it will be fine. That is why I didn't want to call him in the first place. I have started to calm down now, the crying seems to have stoped for the moment. I am starting to feel a little numb. I have thoughts, but know I coudn't act on them because I wouldn't ever want my kids to have to deal with the fact that I chose to take my own life. I can't leave them with that.

[mom0810]

Sweetie, you definitely need to call a hotline or go see a therapist. Any time you are thinking thoughts like you are... it is a sign that you should seek help very very soon. Your hubby is belittling your feelings, either because he doesn't understand how serious they are, or he doesn't understand how bad you are feeling and of course he does not understand from the POV of a mom, since he is not doing your job.

I think talking to someone would really help. All moms have points of exhaustion, but it's not okay and not normal to feel like you don't want to be here, or that it's not all worth it. That is a sign of something deeper.

Hope you find some help and I am hoping only the best for you.

[Samm]

Oh momma, I'm sorry to hear you had difficulty with the hotline . . . that really stinks when you make the effort and then it doesn't work out.

And husbands sometimes - grrrr - mine has difficulty being empathetic when he's at work. And speaking as someone who has had some pretty dark moments, it's really hard for someone who hasn't to truly understand at those times. To them it does just feel like, "well kids will be kids, take a deep breathe, carry on."

And as much as you wish that was true, with those thoughts in your head, it's very difficult. That's where a professional can be extremely helpful.

Glad to hear you are feeling calmer now. I hope that continues. Also remember there's always the other hotline and also the chance that you'll get someone else on the first line, ok.

Again, hugs, hang in there . . . this will get better.

Samm

[Jannah6]

NAK Tiffany s I know how terribly overwhelming it all can be. I agree that you should get dome help. Do you get any time for yourself? Where you can go out alone or have your DH take the children out? Trust me, it helps.

[Jess's Mom]

I do get out a little each week, but it just never seems to be enough. It seems to be such a temp. fix, but it does help for a little bit. It is just such a horrible circle, I feel like crap about stuff and so I cry and get angry with the way the kids are acting, then I hate myself for the kind of person I am being. I want to talk to people to try to make myself feel better, but I get tired of tell the same people the same thing that they can't do anything about and they don't need to hear over and over again. I just very much hate myself and feel I can't do anything and I just don't know how to get over that. I have started councling and meds, all will take a while to work, I just don't know what to do while waiting, it they even do work.

[Jannah6]

What I found most helpful for me is to have a complete day(I do have to have my EBF baby with me) . I feel soooo rejuvenated after a day without all of the madness. Ask your husband to take the children or you go for a WHOLE day, and you just BREATHE.
In the meantime, before the meds start to work, you talk to us. Is there a person IRL that you can talk to? If I remember correctly a mama here said that she might be close to you. If you have to talk and talk and talk some more, and then cry and cry and cry some more, then you do that. Do what you need to do that will help you on the road to recovery.
Are you able to talk to the older DC and ask them for a little bit of help sometimes? Can they take the 5 and 2 yr olds to the park or the library? My 5 yr old has been really really acting up lately. I had a talk with her yesterday and told her that she doesn't have to misbehave in order to get attention. So we had our little talk, she gave some input and I noticed a big difference in her behavior. Talk to your 5 yr old and see what happens, you never know.